Who initiates in your house??

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  • Momoftwins1987
    Momoftwins1987 Posts: 22 Member
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    Usually hubby.
  • Vespyr
    Vespyr Posts: 111 Member
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    Wow this thread makes me feel terrible! I'm totally the rejector, felt horribly guilty about it, but I can see now it makes him feel that much worse. I guess I never understood or thought hard enough about it. The meds I was on really didn't help things either. Sorry OP I have nothing much to offer except that it's usually better when I initiate /shrug

    Time to fix my relationship >.< No wonder he stopped trying :'(
  • RunnerBlonde808
    RunnerBlonde808 Posts: 257 Member
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    oh....black dagger.....yum....love that series....
  • wolfehound22
    wolfehound22 Posts: 887
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    Me for sure, probably 90% of the time if not more. Me and my wife have had plenty of talks on the matter, I still always try, and still get shot down quite a lot. She really goes through phases, some weeks I won't get turned down at all, others I'll get turned down everytime, so it does get hard. I can see where he is coming from though, because I've told my wife many times that since she never initiates, I feel unwanted or not desired, she doesn't understand why I would feel that way, but then again she has me drooling over her all the time. We've been together 7 years, and it still happens 2-3 times a week, sometiems more or less, so I can't complain to much, but I would love for her to initiate more.

    That being said, I would never leave her, as there would need to be a lot of other issues to, my guess is he may be saying that to get to you, and maybe make you initiate more. Not saying its a smart move, but when it comes to sex, guys will say a lot of things.
  • JanetLM73
    JanetLM73 Posts: 1,277 Member
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    Oh my I would be happy for 3+ times a week. It's more like every other week in my house, we've been together forever and it truly does suck. And it's me that always wants it.

    And I'm reading fifty shades and it's not helping!!
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    50 shades of grey!!!! READ IT!!!

    A couple other options - Something Blue, Something Borrowed(short story collections), the Sleeping Beauty trilogy, the Black Dagger Brotherhood (vampires) and lots more!

    Don't read the Sleeping Beauty trilogy and then do 30 Day Shred, though...because when you're doing the high knees, you'll be thinking about a certain scene from the book and it'll ruin your concentration :laugh:
  • morganhccstudent724
    morganhccstudent724 Posts: 1,261 Member
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    I didn't read through the 9 pages of responses:


    It would REALLY bother me if I always had to initiate sex. Actually...It did...





    And I left. After 10 years.
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    I've noticed many of the women who think its ridiculous that someone would leave over that...are also the women saying they never initiate.

    Food for thought....or fu**ing.

    It would be like a woman saying "My husband never tells me I'm beautiful, so I feel ugly and our marriage is falling apart...I want out!" and the men being like "Dafuq you talkin' bout woman???". I guess it's hard to see things from the other perspective.
  • simone4uandme
    simone4uandme Posts: 13
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    NOT A GOOD REASON TO STAY!!!
  • chrystee
    chrystee Posts: 295 Member
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    Wow this thread makes me feel terrible! I'm totally the rejector, felt horribly guilty about it, but I can see now it makes him feel that much worse. I guess I never understood or thought hard enough about it. The meds I was on really didn't help things either. Sorry OP I have nothing much to offer except that it's usually better when I initiate /shrug

    Time to fix my relationship >.< No wonder he stopped trying :'(

    I know, I feel bad too. :(
  • jdhosier
    jdhosier Posts: 315 Member
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    If a person wants something bad enough, they will find a way. The only thing standing between anyone and their goal is the bulls#it story they keep telling themselves as to why they can't achieve it.
    You are my hero (or heroine). Well said!
  • lukeout007
    lukeout007 Posts: 1,247 Member
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    I've noticed many of the women who think its ridiculous that someone would leave over that...are also the women saying they never initiate.

    Food for thought....or fu**ing.

    It would be like a woman saying "My husband never tells me I'm beautiful, so I feel ugly and our marriage is falling apart...I want out!" and the men being like "Dafuq you talkin' bout woman???". I guess it's hard to see things from the other perspective.

    You win just for this quote...

    "Dafuq you talkin' bout woman???"

    Lmao.
  • AmyM713
    AmyM713 Posts: 594 Member
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    My husband, I am exactly like you, once in a great while I will but unless he initiates I don't really need it, and I never turn him down.
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    I've noticed many of the women who think its ridiculous that someone would leave over that...are also the women saying they never initiate.

    Food for thought....or fu**ing.

    It would be like a woman saying "My husband never tells me I'm beautiful, so I feel ugly and our marriage is falling apart...I want out!" and the men being like "Dafuq you talkin' bout woman???". I guess it's hard to see things from the other perspective.

    You win just for this quote...

    "Dafuq you talkin' bout woman???"

    Lmao.

    <takes a bow>

    Thank you, thank you...please hold your applause until the end of the show :laugh:
  • EpiGaiaRepens
    EpiGaiaRepens Posts: 824 Member
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    um. i think he is over reacting. but i also think his feelings are legit. I'd just say, try to make an effort to initiate a bit more. Or at least let him feel like he is wanted/needed in other ways.
  • mandemonious
    mandemonious Posts: 217 Member
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    I say, "Pants," and point to the floor and it's on. Truth.

    LOL. While that is true, we actually e both initiate. Someone else posted that they always wanna go in the middle of the day. That's me. He always tries to initiate at night and that is very hit or miss with me.

    Bottom line: Threatening to end a relationship is no way to negotiate it. Could be that you have some deep resentments over the years he was addicted that influences your lack of libido. If you were willing to stick through that special type of hell, then he should get over himself. That is, of course IMHO. :wink:
  • losermomof3
    losermomof3 Posts: 386 Member
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    50 shades of grey!!!! READ IT!!!

    A couple other options - Something Blue, Something Borrowed(short story collections), the Sleeping Beauty trilogy, the Black Dagger Brotherhood (vampires) and lots more!

    Havent heard of those..are they just as "bad"????
  • lukeout007
    lukeout007 Posts: 1,247 Member
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    I've noticed many of the women who think its ridiculous that someone would leave over that...are also the women saying they never initiate.

    Food for thought....or fu**ing.

    It would be like a woman saying "My husband never tells me I'm beautiful, so I feel ugly and our marriage is falling apart...I want out!" and the men being like "Dafuq you talkin' bout woman???". I guess it's hard to see things from the other perspective.

    You win just for this quote...

    "Dafuq you talkin' bout woman???"

    Lmao.

    <takes a bow>

    Thank you, thank you...please hold your applause until the end of the show :laugh:

    Sorry after the show I'm going to be too busy railing my wife.
  • spacecase76
    spacecase76 Posts: 673 Member
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    For those of you saying "he's seriously going to leave you?! That's petty!"

    How is feeling undesirable petty? I've struggled with this in my marriage for awhile now. My wife's libido has gone way down the tubes over the last 2 or 3 years...half the time I get turned down or she acts like it's a chore and the other half I have to initiate. She never does. The sex we have is fantastic but getting started is a big hurdle and it has regularly made me feel unwanted, undesired, and self conscious. If that's petty then so be it but I can't blame the guy. Especially if you are aware of the issue.

    I'll be realistic...I probably won't leave my wife over it. While it frustrates me like I said it's pretty amazing once we get going. But I can't discredit someone else feeling that way. If they feel bad enough about it to consider leaving then it's obviously important and needs to be addressed.

    I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

    He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

    If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

    So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

    and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

    The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.

    I couldn't disagree with this more.

    What does housework have to do with sex?

    If you need help with things around the house, ask, compromise.

    Don't use sex as punishment for not doing his chores. They are complete and separate issues.
  • angryguy77
    angryguy77 Posts: 836 Member
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    I'll tell you my side of it.. I feel like I do EVERYTHING at home. My husband eats peanuts, and leaves the peanut dust and shells all over the counter.. I come home and the island counter is a huge mess.. the dogs get into a mess, and I have to clean it.. I get my son ready for bed, bath, story, bed.. I mostly make dinner..

    He has a hard time sleeping, so he comes home, sits at his computer and goes to bed early.. so by the time I have "ME" time, its 9pm, and I'm trying to eat my dinner and get to bed by 10ish.. that precious hour is all the time I have to myself.. so a lot of the time, I feel like having my hour. LOL. The rest of the day is stress; work, working out, cleaning up, making dinner, etc..

    If he did more of the house stuff, I'd feel like doing it more often, but it feels like another point on my checklist that I have to get done each day.. but I try to make an effort..

    So you guys need to look at that.. Is your wife busting her *kitten* with the house, bills, work??

    and do the girls who wear panties and heels when their hubby comes home have children?? I couldn't do that, I have a young son..

    The one thing I will say for my husband, who I love very much, is that he picks up our son, and enables me to make sure I get my work out every day.. he didn't used to do that.. and he's seen that if I can work out, I am more in the mood.. especially since losing some weight. I have more stamina, and I feel better about myself.

    Well, it sounds like you have all your excuses wrapped up with a nice little bow, doesn't it? Complaining is not likely to get help around the house. Take some of your "you" time and make it "us" time. Or, god forbid, go to bed a little later every now and then.

    And yes, I have a 6 year old daughter. I just make sure that I am prepared for the nights where she goes to sleepovers, or will not be home due to gymnastics until later. Plus, the heels and panties thing was not the ONLY thing mentioned, and I bet your kid has a bedtime, right? After he goes down, YOU go down.

    Perhaps he would be a bit more social toward you and helpful around the house if he felt like there was a reason to give a half a s#it! You would be AMAZED at how much more cooperative a man who doesn't feel cast aside so that you can live YOUR life.

    Put a bowl on the counter for the peanuts and ask him to use that. Get rid of the dogs if they negatively affect your relationship with your husband. Yes, I love my dogs, but if it was that much of a drain for me to take care of them that I pick them over intimacy, someone else will love them too.

    If a person wants something bad enough, they will find a way. The only thing standing between anyone and their goal is the bulls#it story they keep telling themselves as to why they can't achieve it.

    There is a lot of truth to what she said. Why should he do those things if you are not giving anything in return?

    I know.. but when you do try harder, and nothing changes.. then?
    But I will put forth more effort! It is definitely difficult for me.. I know why, and I try to move past it.
    So much more mental for women.

    And I get that. Let him know that you'll make more of an effort and ask him to help you a bit more. Trust me, from someone who's lived this for 10 years, resentment can make you do some pretty dumb things.

    I used to be so much more romantic to my wife, cards, letters, jewelry, flowers, you name it, i did it. but I don't do it much anymore because it's not reciprocated. I know that you shouldn't have ulterior motives when you do something nice for your spouse, but when resentment sets in, it makes it much more difficult to do.

    I wish you well and hope it works out.

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