Off topic but feeling sad Wedding cancelled

sandown12

you have to respect his position.
I don't want to get married EVER , and will never ever marry my partner , the father of my children. WE've been together for 15 years and there is no way I'll marry him .

No as he's says he wants to marry he never ever said he didn't .....
If that was the case it would of ended
He backs out last minute thus is what my post was about

MonicaT1972

From someone that's been married 18 years...in all honesty it's just a piece of paper. If you are happy in life in general and get along great do you REALLY need the piece of paper.

If I could go back I wouldn't have bothered, the wedding was a big headache and caused nothing but problems even after it was over!

MonicaT1972

I was married 16 years with my ex 10 married but his drinking became awful I left.

To me it's commitment it shows me he truly loves me , he's has a lot of relationships before me most got to 3 months then he'd end them then there was a 4 year one which was open then an 18 month one for sex his admissions

I wanted to go to registry office were in uk and have 2 witnesses he banged in about a church etc

He says he always wanted to be married but I've had every excuse he can give not too
Too busy. Money . Work. Time.
Then he seemed all keen to go ahead vicar meet us church booked and you know something isn't right with someone they avoid the issue , our problems are he said I neglect him meaning we don't have sex 15 times a week anymore
With 3 children a new business his mum has cancer I am seeing that as another excuse.

Tmi sorry but that's the latest reason

Hes rejected me....... Saying this again and lots knew our wedding date has left me really upset.

I'd like to stay with him but I'm so upset angry that if he's telling me he always wanted to get married but then changed his mind again it's not me who's the one

His parents have been married 57 years his brothers been married 19 years

A piece of paper does not show love...actions do. If you honestly think a piece of paper will show you that he loves you I think you many need to take a look at yourself and go for some councilling on your own.

stubbysticks

If you took the time to reply with such 'good' advice ? Wouldn't it be best to read the op?

Hi I've been with my guy 9 years July coming we have a daughter & a business together
We were meant to be getting Married at Christmas this year church booked
But he wasn't really interested in any of it
He's never been married he's 45 I'm 42 we've been engaged 4 times as he wouldn't marry me numourous reasons but this time he said we will be married.
I started to arrange things asked his help he just kept saying I'll do it next week then that turned into 5 weeks if saying the same
So last night he said there's too many problems so us getting married now isn't ok

So I cancelled the church car registry office notice and reception venue
He was like Why? I said he said he didn't want to marry yet, he said it was my fault keep talking about it?

Now I feel empty 9 years and he I see has a commitment problem
I know I'll probably get trolls shout at me but has anyone else gone through this I love him
So we will stay together but marriage means a lot to me

To leave I'd have to split the family up be homeless and jobless

Uh yeah...I read the op but I made the mistake of looking for a question mark somewhere. My bad. I like how you put 'good' in quotes when referencing my post...that will save me some precious keystrokes. Throughout this thread you've described ridiculous things this guy does that shouldn't occur in a healthy relationship period, never mind a marriage, then when someone comments that he's a douche you defend him.

All I'm saying is that it doesn't matter if he's a douche. You seem pretty set on staying with him, so stay with him. Go forth & prosper. But if you think it's fair to stay with him & expect him to be someone he's clearly not, then he's not the douche.

Kenzietea2

My husband and I legally hitched this morning. We filled out the application online (well I did) the night before, walked in, waited in line, paid the 89$ fee and married in their little chapel. It took a half hour. It was cheap, easy, and you can even pay ten bucks for a picture.
He doesn't actually want to get married. If you really need and want a marriage to feel committed to someone, then you chose the wrong man.

sandown12

If you took the time to reply with such 'good' advice ? Wouldn't it be best to read the op?

Hi I've been with my guy 9 years July coming we have a daughter & a business together
We were meant to be getting Married at Christmas this year church booked
But he wasn't really interested in any of it
He's never been married he's 45 I'm 42 we've been engaged 4 times as he wouldn't marry me numourous reasons but this time he said we will be married.
I started to arrange things asked his help he just kept saying I'll do it next week then that turned into 5 weeks if saying the same
So last night he said there's too many problems so us getting married now isn't ok

So I cancelled the church car registry office notice and reception venue
He was like Why? I said he said he didn't want to marry yet, he said it was my fault keep talking about it?

Now I feel empty 9 years and he I see has a commitment problem
I know I'll probably get trolls shout at me but has anyone else gone through this I love him
So we will stay together but marriage means a lot to me

To leave I'd have to split the family up be homeless and jobless

Uh yeah...I read the op but I made the mistake of looking for a question mark somewhere. My bad. I like how you put 'good' in quotes when referencing my post...that will save me some precious keystrokes. Throughout this thread you've described ridiculous things this guy does that shouldn't occur in a healthy relationship period, never mind a marriage, then when someone comments that he's a douche you defend him.

All I'm saying is that it doesn't matter if he's a douche. You seem pretty set on staying with him, so stay with him. Go forth & prosper. But if you think it's fair to stay with him & expect him to be someone he's clearly not, then he's not the douche.

Finished ?

sandown12

My husband and I legally hitched this morning. We filled out the application online (well I did) the night before, walked in, waited in line, paid the 89$ fee and married in their little chapel. It took a half hour. It was cheap, easy, and you can even pay ten bucks for a picture.
He doesn't actually want to get married. If you really need and want a marriage to feel committed to someone, then you chose the wrong man.

And you have meet & spoken to him ?
Why did you had to marry in haste?Have you been together long?

You see thus was a post asking for people who had experienced the same ..........

Justacoffeenut

Maybe he doesn't want the big church wedding and all the stuff that goes with it. What's wrong with a simple wedding at one of your favorite places. Ask him if that is what he wants. If so just pick a place and do it. I know some who have the big wedding and all. And I know some who get married at a park and with a handful of friends and go out to a resturant after. The 1st group isn't any happier or have any more problems then the last group.

If you both have never been married I can see you maybe wanting a big wedding and to make a big deal out of it. Maybe that just isn't what he wants. Find a place you both can be happy. Even if it is just you getting the marrage license.

I mean nothing attacking about any of the above. So please don't feel attacked.

thefreebiemom

My husband and I legally hitched this morning. We filled out the application online (well I did) the night before, walked in, waited in line, paid the 89$ fee and married in their little chapel. It took a half hour. It was cheap, easy, and you can even pay ten bucks for a picture.
He doesn't actually want to get married. If you really need and want a marriage to feel committed to someone, then you chose the wrong man.

And you have meet & spoken to him ?
Why did you had to marry in haste?Have you been together long?

You see thus was a post asking for people who had experienced the same ..........

Fine you want similar experiences? But you also stated you don't want opinions from people younger then you so I guess that counts me out.

I'm 29, my boyfriend will be 30 tomorrow. We have been together for 12 years. Yep that's 12, 3 more years then your situation. We have 2 children, yep that's 1 more child then you have. Does my being younger still matter now?

At the beginning he wasn't against getting married (when I was going into the military) when that fell through he wasn't into it anymore. Over the years I have heard just about every excuse there is in the world of why he doesn't want to get married. My weight (I weighed 115 when we met now I'm 242 after 2 kids and 10 years), I argued too much and was too B***y, for a while it was mutual because we were both in school and our financial aid worked better not being married, once he said he felt like he would be trapped and more likely to cheat if we were married, he has said I have no drive, he has said that marriage itself doesn't matter so why bother, he has said things are fine the way they are and there is no point in getting a piece of paper, he has said that he has seen guys he works with go through horrible divorces where the mean horrible ex-wives take everything that they own and get spousal and child support to boot and then ask for more, etc etc. We are high school sweet hearts. Met junior year been together ever since. Never had any major problems or difficulties.

Our relationship has lasted longer then most of our friends that have gotten married and divorced. I used to want to get married for the idea of getting married. I have wanted to get married because if we have been together this long then why not, what would it hurt? Then I just wanted to get married because it didn't feel right having kids and not being married. Now the only emotional thing that hurts because we are not married is because I let him give the children his last name, so being in a highly populated religious Mormon state (Utah) I get a lot of looks from school officials and parents of kids classmates when they realize I have a different last name, but ultimately that doesn't really matter either. The only reason getting married is important to me now is for legal reasons. We live a whole country almost away from our families. If something happens to one of us then we have no say over what happens to the other. I have been a stay at home mom since our youngest was born so the kids and I would be up the creek without a paddle if he ever on a whim decided to leave us, which I doubt he will do. Besides that the biggest problem is health insurance. He gets it, our kids are on it. His company even lets domestic partners get health insurance IF they are same sex couples. So gay people get health insurance but the non-gay couple that has been together 12 years and has 2 kids, too bad. He works for an airline and they even give me free flights like him and the children get but no health insurance.

A couple of years ago he the company had difficulties so to get a full time job before his old company completely shut down he moved to Utah for full time. It was almost a year before we had enough money to get the kids and I out here. I moved 2400 miles away from my family so that we could be together and he could be with the kids, but he still won't get married. He is good to the kids, he is good to me.

Here are some differences with our situations though. My boyfriend isn't controlling. I can do whatever I want, workout when I want or go wherever I want. When I was staying at home with the kids he would make snide remarks about how he made all the money and it was his but he never told me I couldn't buy anything that was needed or wanted (I don't buy anything that is not needed anyways, I am very frugal)

I am not naive though. I watch my back and prepare for the worst. We are happy and get along great but you never know when or if that will change, it happens to people who are married too. I do know from research that if he left me and the kids that I will get child support, and since I stay at home mostly (I deliver pizza a few nights a week) I can even get spousal support, even though we aren't married. Apparently, the sexist state of Utah appreciates its mothers that stay at home where they belong and don't work. I also know that since we aren't married I can legally take the kids back to Florida where my family is at and he can't do anything about it because we aren't married. Funny how marriage would be protection for him too, isn't it?

The point of me telling you my story, which I didn't really want to because of your negativity towards other peoples opinions so far is because you said no one has the same experience as you, and I do bottom line. The point is the main difference between my situation and yours is that he knows I won't leave for someone else as long as the kids are young because I have step father issues and would never subject my children to even the slimmest possibility of an abusive step father. Because of this knowledge he doesn't have to say he will get married and then change his mind when it gets close. You on the other hand have left before and threatened to leave if he doesn't marry you which in his mind makes it necessary to agree to marriage and then back out when he gets the opportunity to.

You said that he remarked annoyance at the wedding plans that you kept telling to him and asking him about. You then said you cancelled the plans because of that and he asked you why. If you had left the plans be and just stopped asking him about his opinions on each part of the wedding would he still be going through with it? Is your moodiness and whim to cancel all the plans at something he said in an argument one time your fault? And then he said it was your fault that he got mad and you cancelled the plans in the first place! It kind of is your fault. You took one disagreement or sign of annoyance from him and got mad and cancelled all the plans. Maybe he thinks YOU don't really want to go through with it, if he really is all for marriage like you say. If he isn't really all for marriage and is just saying he is then he is just doing it because he knows that's what will keep you around longer. I am just saying it is a possibility. Because you said that he is insecure and sensitive. So if in the heat of the moment he said something and then you went and cancelled everything because of something he said then it is kind of your fault for pushing it to that. Did he actually tell you cancel everything I don't want to get married?

livinginwoods

You. Deserve. Happiness. Do. Not. Settle. For. Less.

Contrarian

A marriage is a partnership, in which you live together and, in some cases, raise a family. You're already doing that.

I still don't understand why you want to have a ceremony to prove it.

Having said that, if you want this and he won't give it to you, and that is more important than what you have, you should leave.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Crochetluvr

I have a similar situation, but I am resigned to it. I have been with my partner for 9 years and we wont be getting married. I would LIKE to be married but its just not going to happen. Right now, I am a financial liability...if anything major happened to me, he would be wiped out. I cant do that to him and I wouldnt expect it. But we ARE committed to each other. We will live together and love each other for the rest of our lives. We arent rich by any means but we have a place to live, and money to pay the bills. And I get to buy some yarn and crochet. And I found a nice place here with lots of people in the same boat, weightwise.

All I can do is wish you well.

chrishgt4

Seriously - Marriage isn't great, particularly for a guy - see the below which is blunt but true.

http://makeshiftalpha.com/2012/05/15/reasons-not-to-get-married/


Oh, and you've posted this up here for people to offer their opinions on. Don't get uptight when people tell you what they think.

If you think they are wrong, then offer them the reason for you thinking that in a respectful manner, without the childish comments such as -

He doesn't actually want to get married. If you really need and want a marriage to feel committed to someone, then you chose the wrong man.

And you have meet & spoken to him ?

because for the record, from the information we have, I have to say I share her opinion, and a lot of people on here seem to also.

aphrogirl2002

I hate to sound insensitive but life is short. Look for someone with similar goals and desires. Unfortunately marriage is not something that is valued by everyone. You've committed almost a DECADE of your life to this man. I agree that you should not pressure anyone but on the other hand you have been more than patience. Your story strikes a chord with me because I dated someone for 5 years who was not ready to commit. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I ever did, but it was the right decision.

sandown12

Seriously - Marriage isn't great, particularly for a guy - see the below which is blunt but true.

http://makeshiftalpha.com/2012/05/15/reasons-not-to-get-married/


Oh, and you've posted this up here for people to offer their opinions on. Don't get uptight when people tell you what they think.

If you think they are wrong, then offer them the reason for you thinking that in a respectful manner, without the childish comments such as -

He doesn't actually want to get married. If you really need and want a marriage to feel committed to someone, then you chose the wrong man.

And you have meet & spoken to him ?

because for the record, from the information we have, I have to say I share her opinion, and a lot of people on here seem to also.

This is why so many nice people hate the forums as people feel they have the right to call you names?
It was not a childish comment it was a reply asking her had she meet & spoken to him?

chrishgt4

Seriously - Marriage isn't great, particularly for a guy - see the below which is blunt but true.

http://makeshiftalpha.com/2012/05/15/reasons-not-to-get-married/


Oh, and you've posted this up here for people to offer their opinions on. Don't get uptight when people tell you what they think.

If you think they are wrong, then offer them the reason for you thinking that in a respectful manner, without the childish comments such as -

He doesn't actually want to get married. If you really need and want a marriage to feel committed to someone, then you chose the wrong man.

And you have meet & spoken to him ?

because for the record, from the information we have, I have to say I share her opinion, and a lot of people on here seem to also.

This is why so many nice people hate the forums as people feel they have the right to call you names?
It was not a childish comment it was a reply asking her had she meet & spoken to him?

I don't see where I called you names?

I provided you with some information I felt relevant and then respectfully gave an opinion followed by the evidence I was basing the opinion on.

If you ask for advice, you have to be ready for people to give it, even if it goes against what you want to believe. This is an open forum for debate and discussion so if you didn't want people to post their opinion then you came to the wrong spot I'm afraid.

Bry8432

Let me first start by saying I understand how you feel. You've given your heart to this guy for 9 years and in your mind the least he could do is marry you. But you see he is hesitant and that you two have been engaged 4 times. So it looks like he has no plan of actually walking down the aisle or getting papers. In fact it seems he may keep proposing engagement to "shut you up".

Also if you started a business with this man and it is successful. There is no way you will be jobless or homeless because half of that business is yours.

If I were you, and considered leaving. I would put all my ducks in a row. Meaning opening an account by myself and saving money. Once I have enough money, I would ask him one more time, " Marry me or I'm gone" and when he doesn't follow through I'd leave.

Life is entirely too short to waste it on someone who wont commit.

As my mother always said " A man will do what he wants to do and nothing else"

stubbysticks

If you ask for advice, you have to be ready for people to give it, even if it goes against what you want to believe. This is an open forum for debate and discussion so if you didn't want people to post their opinion then you came to the wrong spot I'm afraid.

Oh chris, you must have thought this was a thread where the op really wanted advice. You're adorable. We could all probably stand to be more supportive of martyrdom & codependency.

sandown12

If you ask for advice, you have to be ready for people to give it, even if it goes against what you want to believe. This is an open forum for debate and discussion so if you didn't want people to post their opinion then you came to the wrong spot I'm afraid.

Oh chris, you must have thought this was a thread where the op really wanted advice. You're adorable. We could all probably stand to be more supportive of martyrdom & codependency.

I didn't need advice off people who haven't experienced this
Only those who have experienced this can give real advice
Adorable Chris? I looked at his plenty of 'advice' of many many posts and it was his opinion not advice
big difference
I expect you'll need to have another say ......

chrishgt4

If you ask for advice, you have to be ready for people to give it, even if it goes against what you want to believe. This is an open forum for debate and discussion so if you didn't want people to post their opinion then you came to the wrong spot I'm afraid.

Oh chris, you must have thought this was a thread where the op really wanted advice. You're adorable. We could all probably stand to be more supportive of martyrdom & codependency.

I didn't need advice off people who haven't experienced this
Only those who have experienced this can give real advice
Adorable Chris? I looked at his plenty of 'advice' of many many posts and it was his opinion not advice
big difference
I expect you'll need to have another say ......

Ok first, this is a public forum - you can't control who posts and offers advice. Also bear in mind that those who are offering advice don't owe you anything, they are doing it to be nice (in the most part) to try and help. If you don't agree, then that's cool but don't throw it back in their face, that's just rude..

Secondly, how do you know what I have and have not experienced?

I've been extremely polite with you and tried to offer advice but seriously, screw you. You are rude and obnoxious and this isn't the first post you've made where you've been like this.

Oh, and for the record - people do give ADVICE based on their OPINION.