Is it ok for a woman..........

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  • bandmhash
    bandmhash Posts: 2 Member
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    I have been there and done that and it can be dangerous to your marriage. If these conversations take away from the conversations that should be had with you then what she is doing is creating an emotional relationship that really should be taking place with you. I am on my second marriage and I actively run from guys who want to talk more then the average coworker. Bad practice. Is he married and is he keeping the depth of the relationship from his wife? Red flag.
  • brneydgrlie
    brneydgrlie Posts: 464 Member
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    No, it's not really OK in general. Having said that, do you know the guy? Have you and your wife socialized with him together? What kind of vibes do you get when they are together? Is he gay, or do they treat each other like brother/sister?

    Regardless of what she "lets" you do/not do with your friends, her acceptance of your activities is not the issue. What she needs to understand is that by blowing off the intensity of your feelings, she is being extremely disrespectful of you.
  • DrewMaxwell
    DrewMaxwell Posts: 269 Member
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    Speaking from direct experience, if you two are married, she needs to curtail/cease this close friendship with another man or you need to start shopping for a good divorce attorney.
  • DiannaMoorer
    DiannaMoorer Posts: 783 Member
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    SHe has told me to meet him and has invited him to her oldest sons grad party. next weekend I am not sure how to react to him. there will be like 70 people there I think. Hmmmmm

    Definitely go and meet him. Scope him out but don't act jealous. Let the dude know in a very subtle way that she is hands off. Also maybe give your wife more attention and tell her all kinds of wonderful mushy stuff. Go do more fun stuff with her. Take her out on a date. Do the dishes. Etc, etc,etc.
  • foodfight247
    foodfight247 Posts: 767 Member
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    Geez, this thread went long....

    Just to add from my previous post......Regardless of what happened in my situation, I absolutely am fine with a partner having friends of the opposite sex. Yes, I'd be initially wary in a new relationship until I'd covered ground and decided it was ok.

    Just cos you're married doesn't mean you can't still be friends or indeed make new friends of the opposite sex, just so long as you're open about those friendships with your spouse. You can't just drop friends because your other half isn't happy.

    Yes, I'm still saying that when all the crap went off with my situation, however, they'd known each other before I'd met him. It was her that was manipulating situations to include him in a fantasy couple dreamworld which he fell for and still is purely because she's given him a guilt trip. Hence another reason why he is now an ex. Gone on for too many years.

    Trust Trust Trust & lots of Honesty / Open Talks with your other half are the key here where friendships with the opposite sex are concerned..
  • SueGremlin
    SueGremlin Posts: 1,066 Member
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    I smell beta
    Ew. That is juvenile, sexist, stupid and about 40 other offensive things.
  • chellebubblz
    chellebubblz Posts: 84 Member
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    I skipped through a lot of the posts. But my general rule of thumb is, if it makes your partner uncomfortable, you shouldn't do it period. I can't believe she has 3 hours worth of stuff to talk to this guy about, I don't have 3 hours worth to talk to anyone about at once lol including my fiance.... My fiance has a lot of female friends and he knew I was uncomfortable with it but never would ask him to stop talking to any of his friends, that's unfair of me to do. But out of respect for me, he eased up and doesn't talk to any of them very much. And I think that's what respect and love in a relationship is about. Noticing when something is hurting the person you love and not wanting them to feel that way.

    But aside from the whole respect thing, which you wife obviously has NONE OF btw.. It does feel very off. My first instinct would be to say it's not that innocent, sorry.
  • bethb03
    bethb03 Posts: 96
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    Wait wait wait...she's been friends with him for 14 years? Knock it off dude...if she hasn't boned him yet she's not going to now.

    And about your "gal friends"....how many of them have you known for 14 years? I'll tell you right now I would never stop talking to someone I've known that long just because my wife said so. I have female friends I've known for that long. There's also no question about my intention with them. The only person I want anything beyond friendship with is my wife and she knows it.

    FUDGE this ^..this is just an excuse for her to continue to talk to him..dude don't listen to this.... yeah she's know him for 14 years but knowing of him or actual in her life knowing him day to day are two different things...if anything she is emotionally cheating on you and it's up to you to decide if you can live with that...not fulfilling her emotionally that is.

    Are you serious? If you had a good friend for 14 years and your husband wanted you to stop talking to that person you'd be fine with that? I call bullsh!t.


    I don't think he's said anything about asking her to never talk to him again, I think he's concerned with the amount of time she's spending on the phone with him. I agree with the majority of people that have responded, it isn't a good thing and the OP needs to sit down with his wife and talk to her about it.
  • CCJ13
    CCJ13 Posts: 165 Member
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    I have been married for almost 14 years. It is not ok. I do have male friends. I don't talk to them for 3 hours. I was catching up with one on facebook one night. My husband was right beside me & asked what I was laughing about. So I let him read the messages. If she is hiding texts & leaving the room when she talks to him, then you two need to have a serious conversation.
  • IMYarnCraz33
    IMYarnCraz33 Posts: 1,016 Member
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    It definitely sounds OFF to me.
    She's married, and has a husband to talk to.
    She should NOT be talking to another man
    for hours at a time or spending time with him that long
    UNLESS he's a counselor--even a counselling session
    wouldn't last but an hour.
  • marz42
    marz42 Posts: 223 Member
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    I dont know what she means when she says whatever, She states I let you go to the VFW club because you like it, I let you leave every other weekend to play D and D with the guys and she says since she is being supportive of those things I should nt have a problem with who she talks to on the phone because she is a home body and that it should be ok whomever she talks to on the phone.

    It's sounds a bit manipulative or defensive to me honestly...the "I let you.." x, y, z. Regardless of how you two decide to settle it, she needs to really listen to your feelings and discomfort. There is nothing weird about some regularly scheduled time with the guys or having some separate hobbies, I see that as a natural thing not a big privilege.. Her talking to the same guy for hours every day though is definitely red flag territory (imho). It may actually be totally innocent now, but that much closeness with another guy can get to be a slippery slope.

    Edited to add:
    Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, it's when you start talking to them for hours that regularly that it goes into red flag territory for me. It makes me wonder if there are things she wants to talk about that for some reason she feels she can't talk about with you, or feels not "understood" at home.

    Also..I see nothing at all wrong with adults playing D&D especially if it's just every other weekend. Heck I'd actually prefer a guy who plays D&D to one who plays online for hours or watches football for hours, especially if he plays board games too, then maybe we could do it together sometimes. My last bf and I did that often just the two of us or at board game things, and it was really pretty fun and rather bondy. No big difference from a eucre party really, except a big variety of games.
  • Irishmoonwitch
    Irishmoonwitch Posts: 97
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    Sounds a bit wrong to me. I would only talk to a guy on the phone for that long when we were in different states and we were dating or heading in that direction. Texts I can understand I text my male friends all the time. He texts female friends I'm sure. But neither me nor my boyfriend would agree with what your wife is doing.

    And go you for playing D&D. Me and my boyfriend are both gamers. That makes life a bit easier.

    But anyways I would meet this guy and see how she acts around him. But honestly I do not think what she is doing is right. Not even with a friend of 14 years. No one has that much to talk about, to talk that much that often. I don't even talk to my family that much and they are spread all over the world right now. (Military got to love it)
  • lilmzzgreeneyez
    lilmzzgreeneyez Posts: 133 Member
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    i havent read each and every post on this thread but i have a serious question. have you ever cheated on her before or given her reason to not trust you? i honestly think that 3 hours is excessive for someone to talk ont he phone with ANYONE, I used to do that when i was like 14 but now i dont spend more than 40 minutes on the phone a day. but i do text all day. also i have a male friend who i have been BEST friends with for almost 9 years now. i have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I did not give up being friends with him when i met my bf and even though he didnt like it this guy (my best friend) lives in another state, we have hung out in person in the past but hes far enough away it hasnt happened often. we are only friends and my bf understands this. I told him in the beginning that i was fine with him having female friends but NONE of them were just his friends they were all ex gfs and i was uncomfortable with that especially after crap they started pulling (the exgfs calling me and starting drama). i told him since i couldnt trust him he cant stay in touch with them if he wanted to work it out with me. i am still friends with my male friend and he has no real female friends. its not becasue i am controlling him but he cant keep an opposite sex relationship as just friends, hes too flirty unintentionally. i am not. i just wanted to give you some insight into what it could be like really. so i dont know if its the same in your relationship but dont jump the gun to assuming shes cheating or doing anything wrong. meet the guy definitely get to know him, maybe you will see hes just a great friend and nothing more. and like someone else said make sure you are being a good husband and spending time with her so she doesnt feel neglected and seeks attention elsewhere (if thats is what may be happening)
  • Sharon009
    Sharon009 Posts: 327 Member
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    I skipped through a lot of the posts. But my general rule of thumb is, if it makes your partner uncomfortable, you shouldn't do it period. I can't believe she has 3 hours worth of stuff to talk to this guy about, I don't have 3 hours worth to talk to anyone about at once lol including my fiance.... My fiance has a lot of female friends and he knew I was uncomfortable with it but never would ask him to stop talking to any of his friends, that's unfair of me to do. But out of respect for me, he eased up and doesn't talk to any of them very much. And I think that's what respect and love in a relationship is about. Noticing when something is hurting the person you love and not wanting them to feel that way.

    But aside from the whole respect thing, which you wife obviously has NONE OF btw.. It does feel very off. My first instinct would be to say it's not that innocent, sorry.

    Agree!
  • bulbadoof
    bulbadoof Posts: 1,058 Member
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    If you can't trust her and openly communicate with her about it, something is wrong even if the relationship between the two of them is completely platonic.
  • MissSookie70
    MissSookie70 Posts: 13
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    This is the reason I'm now single. My husband thought it was ok to talk to another woman for long periods of time. tisk, tisk.
  • donjoe1024
    donjoe1024 Posts: 30
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    Thanks for all the words and comments this thread has been awesome you guys are so supportive and I appreciate it tons thanks for being understanding and giving both sides of the post a look thank you so much greatly appreciate it all of you:smile:
  • Geniepear
    Geniepear Posts: 3
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    No! Something is REALLy off about that.
  • Missmissy0003
    Missmissy0003 Posts: 250 Member
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    How much often are you away with your friends playing dungeon and dragons? If its been a lot, maybe this is how she's filling that void. You may both have areas to work on. If you have told her you dont like all this communicating with the guy and she doesnt seem to lessen it (A LOT), maybe you could think about going to marriage counseling?
  • Cliffslosinit
    Cliffslosinit Posts: 5,044 Member
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    Maybe she is just role playing like you do.
    "She pretends to be interested in you"
    "You pretend like she is"

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