Relationship advice

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  • warmachinejt
    warmachinejt Posts: 2,167 Member
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    what's so important about getting married? You're already living with him. If anything things will go downhill after getting married. Just be happy.
  • dreamingchild
    dreamingchild Posts: 208 Member
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    I will give you my one rule with ultimatums, be prepared to accept "or else" , if you are not then do not give the ultimatum.

    Yep...100% agree. I gave an ultimate one time in which I was dead serious.... Unless you are ready to walk away from the relationship, and i mean think about it, don't give the ultimatum.
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,843 Member
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    what's so important about getting married? You're already living with him. If anything things will go downhill after getting married. Just be happy.

    Obviously you've never been married or you've been in a bad relationship because this is so far off base it's laughable. I've been with my husband for 16 years, married for 6 of them and the only thing that's changed is things getting better and better every year we're together.

    Believe it or not there are actually people out there who want to get married for reasons of their own. If you don't want to then that's your prerogative.

    To the OP: I agree with the people who have said not to give an ultimatum unless you are absolutely sure you can and want to go through with it. Not for nothing but if your BF says he won't marry you until you're "nicer" perhaps you need to take a look inside and figure out why you're not so nice. There's a reason why he would say something like that.
  • snoopytwins
    snoopytwins Posts: 1,759 Member
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    Yeah, he would like a child...he's more carefree then m e, guess I'm more of a planner...
    What does this mean?
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    Oh my!! I will never, never ask for advice on here again. I should know better, just wanted unbiased thoughts, boy did I get them! Calvert, you have the best responses, and see both sides, thanks for taking the time to give advice. @ snoopy, it means he's more carefree, he would a child at some point, but not a special time frame. I appreciate opinions, but ya know what they say about those...
  • angrodriguez92
    angrodriguez92 Posts: 193 Member
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    I'm sorry that you don't like the responses you have gotten. Please, don't judge the whole website because of it. I genuinely thought about the situation and answered the best I could, I imagine others did also. Some people, might just be pointlessly inconsiderate or something, try to pay attention to more positive comments. I really do wish you happiness.
  • lilmisfit
    lilmisfit Posts: 860 Member
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    Sorry that you were not happy with the responses. I agree that this is probably not the best venue to ask about relationship advice. That being said, I didn't read all of the responses, but one thing in your original post stuck out to me as a red flag - your BF says he won't marry you until you "are nicer" --- I'm sorry, but what kind of person says that to another person that they are supposed to be in love with? If I were you, I would think twice about marrying him. You also *admit* that you nag and complain, etc, and I suspect that this is because this is what he tells you. This sounds like very controlling/abusive behavior and if I were you I would think long and hard about whether you want to be involved in this kind of relationship, especially since you have a child. You should be proud of who you are and you should be loved because of who you are, not what someone else thinks you should be.

    I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do.
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    Its hard for any of us to judge your relationship, but my opinion is that maybe you two need to work on communication. I would advise not to give him an ultimatum, its scary and very off putting. I dont believe you will get the response you want. Talking with him calmly about you feelings and truly trying to improve your attitude will help as well. Relationships, I believe, are a comprimise. It is team work, a shared effort.

    Also, maybe some careful reflection on how YOU feel and WHY you wish to be married might help. Is it your boyfriend that you want to marry, or the concept of being married?
  • MoveTheMountain
    MoveTheMountain Posts: 764
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    Lol, ummm I guess because I'm extremely OCD with cleaning and tend to complain a lot. I'm trying to not complain so much, or nag, but I can't always be ms sunshine. And yeah I heard that saying plenty...however, after a divorce, ya tend to want to live together first, then marry....

    This is why he doesnt want to marry you.

    I don't think any of us know why he doesn't want to marry you - he may not want to marry anyone, may not want it right now, who knows. But the fact is, you should move on. From this guy's perspective, yes, you are spinning your wheels. You won't change him, and you shouldn't try. You both just want different things, and right now it's only working for one of you. Do what's best for you, and change your situation so you're ready for the right guy when he comes along.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    lol maybe it's just me, but I believe with your last post.. we really did get to the root of the problem.
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    lol maybe it's just me, but I believe with your last post.. we really did get to the root of the problem.

    Yeah I'm sure ya did,, please enlighten me sweet cheeks. And to that other girl that responded, I don't judge this site based on some people's opinions, it's all good. Everyone is entitled to one, like I said I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to hear, the good the bad and the ugly! and I'm not unhappy with the responses, for the most part, I agree with the majority of the responses.
  • xxthoroughbred
    xxthoroughbred Posts: 346 Member
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    I have been with the same guy for almost four years, and living together for one. I am ready to get married and have a child ( I'm divorced with a five yr old)...he knows how I feel, but says he doesnt want a time clock, and until I'm nicer there's no way hes rushing down the aisle. I understand but I don't want to be spinning my wheels forever. And I hardly think four years is rushing..when is it time for an ultimatum, or is that a bad idea?? Thoughts, appreciated :)

    He gave you an ultimatum.

    I'd dump him.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    lol maybe it's just me, but I believe with your last post.. we really did get to the root of the problem.

    Yeah I'm sure ya did,, please enlighten me sweet cheeks. And to that other girl that responded, I don't judge this site based on some people's opinions, it's all good. Everyone is entitled to one, like I said I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to hear, the good the bad and the ugly! and I'm not unhappy with the responses, for the most part, I agree with the majority of the responses.

    ok. good. It just seemed to me that you asked for opinions and perhaps were a bit combative, upset when you didn't see what you wanted. And I know when you act that way in a relationship often it can aid the demise.
    4 years is a very long time, and there is a child involved. I truly hope the two of you can work through it.
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    If he doesn't want to marry you, it's not because he feels rushed (4 years ... hello!), and it's not because you aren't nice enough (what, you're nice enough to live with but not nice enough to marry? Get serious.).

    Assuming he actually believes in the institution of marriage, his hesitation is because he doesn't believe you're "the one." Men are not afraid of commitment; they're afraid of committing to the wrong person. He's probably fine with keeping you around because you're functioning as his wife without binding him to the legal and financial responsibility of being your husband. He can leave at any time with no complications and no repercussions. And he's putting you off by telling you he feels rushed or that you need to be nicer. The fact that you're still hanging around is way nicer than I would be to a guy who said that to me after 4 years.

    This is what I been thinking about...the afraid of committing to the wrong person thing...
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    lol maybe it's just me, but I believe with your last post.. we really did get to the root of the problem.

    Yeah I'm sure ya did,, please enlighten me sweet cheeks. And to that other girl that responded, I don't judge this site based on some people's opinions, it's all good. Everyone is entitled to one, like I said I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to hear, the good the bad and the ugly! and I'm not unhappy with the responses, for the most part, I agree with the majority of the responses.

    ok. good. It just seemed to me that you asked for opinions and perhaps were a bit combative, upset when you didn't see what you wanted. And I know when you act that way in a relationship often it can aid the demise.
    4 years is a very long time, and there is a child involved. I truly hope the two of you can work through it.

    Yes, agreed, one good thing is my son is not his, so if we break up, it would be sad,but I wouldn't have to worry about having to see him etc. but my son has grown attached so that sucks,,. I appreciate the comments, never was being combative, seems some responses were though.
  • txlissa62
    txlissa62 Posts: 128
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    Have you considered couples counseling? Not therapy, as in one or both of you having mental issues that need to be fixed. I'm talking counseling together, to learn how to live together, compromise, communicate, etc.

    The key to a successful, happy relationship is communication. It's important to know how to communicate with each other in a way that helps the relationship rather than damages it.

    Going to couples counseling doesn't have to mean that you're in a bad relationship. It's also to help committed people learn how to improve and strengthen their relationship. My parents had counseling more than 50 years ago, before they were married, and it helped them both to understand each other better, and learn how to communicate. They were happily married for 47 years (still holding hands) when my father died.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    Yes, agreed, one good thing is my son is not his, so if we break up, it would be sad,but I wouldn't have to worry about having to see him etc. but my son has grown attached so that sucks,,. I appreciate the comments, never was being combative, seems some responses were though.
    if he's been with you 4 years and, in your son's eyes at least, become a third parental figure, it's really unfair on your son just sever all contact. it might cause him a lot of insecurity, if the people he loves and relies on can just vanish overnight.

    IF you break up, have a good think about what's best for the boy.
  • calvert6183
    calvert6183 Posts: 539 Member
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    Oh my!! I will never, never ask for advice on here again. I should know better, just wanted unbiased thoughts, boy did I get them! Calvert, you have the best responses, and see both sides, thanks for taking the time to give advice. @ snoopy, it means he's more carefree, he would a child at some point, but not a special time frame. I appreciate opinions, but ya know what they say about those...

    I try to always be fair and unbias. People can give advise all the want and if its bad advise and it turns out to be a big mistake, they wont live you life, you will be the one living it and dealing with what happened. I just think there was just too much focus on time which im sorry 4 years is nothing compared to the rest off your life, you being pretty, and you being a women which many thinks your entitled to the world just because you are a pretty woman.

    Directed to the women who are mad at him saying for her to change or he wont marry her not @charelg. I see alot of women are mad cause he doesnt want to be fussed nagged at. Women seriously. do you really think men like it? Im sorry but I would not marry a anyone who did that to me, does it make me a bad person? No, it just means I dont like being nagged at. Trust me, I did it before and it takes a toll on people and then they leave. I know so many who say yeah i nagg all the time but he loves me, keep it up and he will leave your butt. Replacing a guy is not always the right answer mostly when there is an attached son..

    Also, guys, she is scared, she has commited to the wrong man before, her son loves this guy, and she loves this guy. This is not a simple and easy situation, it involves people getting hurt. She deserves a better response than leave him cause you are pretty or its been 4 years. Its going to suck if she leaves him and yes it may not be fair to her son but unfortunately it will never be fair to her son until she finds a great guy who stays around and it seems this guy is staying around.

    Fact is, no matter if she dates him or moves on no matter what, there are never any contracts so its important that she is careful. Look at the married people on here. I think she she should stay with him as long as both are willing to work on things, get counseling, and meet those goals to insure a healthy marriage.

    They never really listened to you instead, they just focused on time, gender, and your looks and gave a answer instead of listening to what the problem was and what solution you were aiming for. Attacking a guy that dont know anything about wasnt cool either.

    In my opinion, you could sit down with him, make a plan and map it out with goals, counseling, timeline, and other things to change the relationship to the point where both of you are happy and if you both meet the gaols and then he still wont marry you, then have another talk with him and make a decision. You already spent 4 years with him, what alittle more time to fix things gonna hurt. If he doesnt commit to the plan or marry you after the goals are met, well then it time, God bless you and your son, I wish you both all the luck in the world.
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    Yeah, if it's meant to be it will be, willing to give it my all and if it doesn't work then I know I tried. On another note, my son has a great dad that is very involved in his life as well, just because we didn't work out doesn't make him a bad person, just glad he is there for my son...
  • calvert6183
    calvert6183 Posts: 539 Member
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    Yeah, if it's meant to be it will be, willing to give it my all and if it doesn't work then I know I tried. On another note, my son has a great dad that is very involved in his life as well, just because we didn't work out doesn't make him a bad person, just glad he is there for my son...

    That is what I am talking about. Most people think cause a relationship doesnt work out that the guy is a piece of crap. Sometimes things just dont work out between two great people. Im glad he is there for him. That is really cool.

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