Question for the Men

supplemama

First, yes, I have tried talking to him in a nonconfrontational way. I told him that I love him and I think he is amazing which makes me super attracted to him. I even tried to keep it lighthearted and joked that it's his fault for being so cute. I asked if there was something I needed to do differently. His response was that there was nothing wrong other than that I was putting pressure on him. So I didn't bring it up again.
Second, I do EVERYTHING for him. I cook his meals, care for his daughters, clean his house, pay his bills, and give him his way on almost everything. I've never neglected him in the bedroom a single time. He's never even heard the word "no" from me. So it's not a situation where he's ever been denied and has given up. I don't care for the excuse about being tired because I work full time, am a full time student, and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. I'm tired too, dang it. But I'm never THAT tired.

Then it's time to start being blunt about it. Bring it up again.
Also maybe it's time for you to STOP doing everything for him...few men want a mother for a wife. Really. You are your kids' mother, not his. Raise your expectations of him, require him to come up. You work full time, go to school, take care of the kids, and do all the house stuff. Um, NO. Require him to become a real partner to you.

And learn to say no sometimes, he doesn't always have to get his way with everything. Especially with intimacy. When I was a young wife in my 20s I also thought I had to engage in relations with my husband whenever he wanted but soon learned, guess what, he's a big boy, he can deal with it if I just don't want to.

Sex is very important in a marriage but what's more important is communication. You need to talk this through, hash it out. Few people have identical sex drives...you may want it every day while he is content with twice a week. He may want it twice a week while you prefer twice a month. There are even marriages where people only engage twice a year!! So frequency is not as important as uniting on a preference you both can agree on and be satisfied by. This is your husband, the father of your children, you need to talk to him about it. When you are reaching out to strangers on the internet, there has been a communication breakdown in your marriage.

mrsnathanandrew

This was my first initial thought.
Rules: Women have sex when they want....men have sex when they can. If he's turning you down, i'd put money on him cheating....sorry.

Is he up late on the computer, or tablet?....virtual cheating can be just as bad....

Not true, I could go anytime, day or night, doesn't matter what I'm doing, I'm in the mood, but he has to be in the right mood to do it.

lniber22

I hate to just state the obvious, but it seems like having an frank discussion with your husband is in order. A bunch of strangers who know neither or you will not resolve this problem.

JPod279

It may not be all about the body. If you haven't taken the time to exercise the other area (you know what I mean) and it is like throwing a hot dog down a hall, then he may not be interested. Luckily my wife exercises that area a lot to keep it nice and tight.

nekoxvampyx

it kinda sounds like your doing everything to keep the marriage working and hes not even trying...it sounds to me that maybe he is done. so perhaps try doing things to add that spark back to your marriage or if that don't work then move on and find someone who will appreciate you.

nekoxvampyx

also instead of assuming whats up, you should be direct and ask him cause if not you'll drive yourself nuts..

Darrell916

First, yes, I have tried talking to him in a nonconfrontational way. I told him that I love him and I think he is amazing which makes me super attracted to him. I even tried to keep it lighthearted and joked that it's his fault for being so cute. I asked if there was something I needed to do differently. His response was that there was nothing wrong other than that I was putting pressure on him. So I didn't bring it up again.
Second, I do EVERYTHING for him. I cook his meals, care for his daughters, clean his house, pay his bills, and give him his way on almost everything. I've never neglected him in the bedroom a single time. He's never even heard the word "no" from me. So it's not a situation where he's ever been denied and has given up. I don't care for the excuse about being tired because I work full time, am a full time student, and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. I'm tired too, dang it. But I'm never THAT tired.

Honestly that could be the problem he has it to easy.

Darrell916

My husband tells me he gets tired of having to initiate it. He wants me to do that more even though I've never said no. Could that be it? Does he want you to be more playful or maybe 'attack' him for it??


Guys - what are your thoughts on that. Do you like doing the chasing or would you rather be chased?

Wish my wife woould initiate

JustJennie1

He might just not be attracted to you any more.

It happens.

Pangea250

I'm not a man, but...why do you think the problem is you? Perhaps it is him.

psideon

Duh, hes cheating

Second that.

fifth_bidness

Actually you left out.....he's addicted to porn. And any man who ever actually HAS been addicted to porn will tell you that the real thing becomes much less satisfying/arousing. When you immerse yourself in a fantasy world where women never have any needs of their own, they are ready for sex at the drop of a hat, they are satisfied in 3 seconds and then invite 4 of their female friends over so that you can have sex with them too, that has a very chilling effect on real life married sex. The reality can never ever compete with the fantasy if one is truly addicted.

I'm not saying that's it....I was more responding to the above poster.

i think porn can have a place in a mutually loving and respectful relationship, but if he's "using" it to a point where real sex with a real woman in the context of a real relationship (with all the extra shizz that entails) begins to seem like too much hard work, that's a problem. healthy, confident adult men don't need to perceive women as single dimensional objects in order to find them sexually appealing.

if your husband is so lazy that he can't be bothered to contribute to the household, to your time together and even to communicating honestly with you, it may be time to seriously consider what you want your life to look like. professional counselling can help clarify priorities and develop the tools necessary for achieving personal goals--including those related to your relationships.

best of luck.

Sharyn913

Ladies, lets b honest, speaking as a man there r only a small number of reasons why a guy wont have...relations

His junk dont work
He thinks ur ugly
Hes gay
Hes cheating

Thats it, end of story

Seriously?? How about he works 70+ hours a week? I know there are some days my husband will come home from a 14 hour day and he can barely keep his eyes open and literally collapses in the bed?

Or how about you have a three year old you are trying to potty train and he just pooped his underwear, tried to clean it up by himself, and his floor, his clothes and his body are covered in poop? Maybe after spending 20 minutes cleaning everything, he may be gay or think I'm ugly... but to say these are the only reasons are just absurd.

sizzle92

All I can say is that you are a better woman than I. If I worked full time, went to school, and cared for our kids......the LAST thing I'd want to do is hump my husband. I'd go find a man who didn't treat me like a servant to take care of me.

jonward85

Or how about you have a three year old you are trying to potty train and he just pooped his underwear, tried to clean it up by himself, and his floor, his clothes and his body are covered in poop?

When my middle child was 2 she broke open a brand new bottle of maple syrup on the tile in the kitchen and proceeded to make Syrup Angels in it.

Sharyn913

Ladies, lets b honest, speaking as a man there r only a small number of reasons why a guy wont have...relations

His junk dont work
He thinks ur ugly
Hes gay
Hes cheating

Thats it, end of story

Correct order would be:

He's gay
His junk doesn't work
He's cheating
He thinks you're ugly

Because unless it is #1, he'd still try.

Actually you left out.....he's addicted to porn. And any man who ever actually HAS been addicted to porn will tell you that the real thing becomes much less satisfying/arousing. When you immerse yourself in a fantasy world where women never have any needs of their own, they are ready for sex at the drop of a hat, they are satisfied in 3 seconds and then invite 4 of their female friends over so that you can have sex with them too, that has a very chilling effect on real life married sex. The reality can never ever compete with the fantasy if one is truly addicted.

I'm not saying that's it....I was more responding to the above poster.

I agree with this. ^^ There is one thing for a man to occasionally look at it, and it's another to be full on addicted where sex in real life loses all satisfaction. My husband had an issue with this years ago. Given, a LOT was going on in our life (his father passed away, we split up and got back together what seemed like every month for 6 months) so his casual tendencies became an addiction. I would offer him sex all the time and he never seemed interested. Once he realized how deep porn drew him in (no pun intended) he knocked it ALL cold turkey. I was very hurt during this. I then became uninterested. Even though he was no longer viewing it, I still felt like I was being compared to those girls and what they looked like and how their bodies looked. The tables were then turned where he began asking 10x more. It's been 2.5 years and we are now back to a very great and healthy place. But I think you should deff talk to him!

Sharyn913

Or how about you have a three year old you are trying to potty train and he just pooped his underwear, tried to clean it up by himself, and his floor, his clothes and his body are covered in poop?

When my middle child was 2 she broke open a brand new bottle of maple syrup on the tile in the kitchen and proceeded to make Syrup Angels in it.

LOLOLOLOL

bizgirl26

I would ask him to go for counsilling. If he won't go I wouldnt put in the effort. I mean there is only so long this can go on before one of you thinks about seeking someone else. Life's too short, kids or no kids I would move on if he can't face the issue

DonniesGirl69

Do not check his texts/emails......that's high school BS.
Just ask him.

I tend to agree with the bulk of the men, though......as a general rule men like it too much to keep turning it down unless they're getting it somewhere else.

MoveTheMountain

also instead of assuming whats up, you should be direct and ask him cause if not you'll drive yourself nuts..

^^This^^

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, nothing kills sex drive like stress, so it is possible that's it. If he's not terribly self reflective or self aware, he may not realize it. But if he can't get it up because his own head is screwing it up, he might not know how to deal with that - he might not even understand that he's doing it to himself. But, he needs to be able to talk with you about it, or it's only going to get worse, not better.

Have a straight talk with him, and let him know that you're not happy, and you want to know what the problem is. If he give you any bull**** 'oh you're pressuring me' crap, tell him you'll give him some time to think it over, but you really do want to talk about it, no matter where the conversation leads. He needs to step up, do some introspection, and level with you, regardless of what the outcome is.