VERY personal ~ TMI

♥seoid♥

So, I found out last night my BF has been viewing naked pics online. This destroys my self esteem & makes me feel like I am not good enough.

I know this is TMI ~ but I need help.

Anyone else struggled with this?

agarlits

Is this something he's had problems with before?

♥seoid♥

yes....many years now.

i'm so upset.

freeatlast20

yes I have....and it hurts a lot. But men are very visual and they look. I get angry every time my BF does that cause I dont look like the women he is looking at...and I tell him that...but as usual he reinforces how much he loves me and my body....i dont but he seems to....maybe one day we both will love it. I have a problem with him on the computer and every time he is it makes me worry....but we cant control them the only person we can control is ourselves. Good luck....and keep up the good work. We are worth it....:flowerforyou:

kokonutmama

I don't have a similar experience, but didn't want to read without posting.

Love yourself. :flowerforyou: It'll be OK.

TheMaidOfAstolat

Men are dogs!
It has nothing to do with what you look like or that the other girl/girls look like. It's only about his satisfaction. It wouldn't matter if you looked like a super model...most likely he's still look at other women. Look at Rebecca Romaine and John Stamos, Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Men are pigs...they don't think with their head or their heart...only their anatomy.
Have you confronted him? I wish you the best...remember that you are worth it even if he doesn't see it!

sonjavon

You need to know that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Men are visual beings and just because he's looking at pictures of naked women doesn't mean that he doesn't enjoy looking at you. Something to consider: perhaps it's a turn on for him to be able to look without worrying that the person he's looking at "feels" uncomfortable. Know what I mean?

At any rate - you need to talk to him about it. If you're not comfortable with it, he needs to know.

1Corinthians13

Men are very visual. My bf loves me very much and is so good to me, and I love him. And he's been very honest with me from the beginning - he doesn't want those woman, he only wants me. but he's gonna look. Men need a release, and it's different for them then for women. What he looks at on his computer doesn't affect our relationship, and it certainly doesn't affect our sex life.

I don't know what the situation is with you, but it is normal for men to look at porn. We watch it together sometimes!

I don't know if this is helping, I just wanted you to know that it probably has nothing to do with you. It has to do with your bf being a guy and needing to see some skin to get that release when you aren't there to help him out.

Go with what koko said and love yourself. :flowerforyou: I'm sorry you're hurting.

gc2052

I would focus on that it is his problem and definately not a problem with you. My thought is that I do not want something done on my computer that could get me in trouble. Remember he will always have to answer for his actions and behaviors.

Luludog1

I understand as a women it hurts, but i am sure he loves you and finds you very attractive. Hang in there and please don't let this bring you down....try using it as motivation. Good luck.

MissKim

My boyfriend doesn't really look at porn. But he is infactuated with every female on tv there is! it really hurts my feelings. I pick at him and joke around with him but it really does bother me. He knows all there names and watches all the shows. Kim Kardasian?? Kendra? He makes little comments about them. He knows all their names and where they are from, everything they've done in their life! I think I would rather him look at strangers naked on the computer!!!

agarlits

I used to be the same way, being a guy we just think about that kind of stuff differently. Like "its just a picture its not like I'm sleeping with someone" or "I'm just looking at a picture, its not going to hurt anyone". You need to just reinforce in his mind how it makes you feel and let him know that it hurts your self esteem and your self image when he looks at that sort of stuff. Sometimes the only way to get us to actually "hear" something is to beat it into our heads. :happy:

Phoenix_Rising

I've been there.... twice... with the same man.... my estranged husband.

He knew I considered him looking at that stuff as cheating. (No - I don't care about anyone's opinion on my take of this -- all that is important is he knew when we began dating how I viewed it, and he agreed not to view it because I would take it as his cheating.) So when I woke up, deathly sick one night, to find him looking at it and 'enjoying himself' in our bedroom, I was devastated.

When I found it all online again a second time, I left him. Three months pregnant.

It was horrible. I felt worthless. Devalued. Fat. Ugly. Imperfect.

I let him talk me back into coming home. (Stupid, but I was three months pregnant....) Although he was apologetic, he never really did anything to help him with his problem (which he classified as an addiction). He stayed away from the computer, and I put a password on it.

After my daughter was born, he cheated on me. I still wasn't good enough.

I finally left him 5 months ago. This afternoon, I have my first visit with the divorce attorney.

Ugh - why am I posting all this here? I don't know. Maybe it will help you to know you aren't alone. Maybe it will discourage you. I don't know.

I feel for you, sweetheart. (((hugs))) :brokenheart:

135gratitude

Don't let it affect your self esteem :flowerforyou:

Could some men weigh in here? What IS the deal!?!?!?!?!

Phoenix_Rising

I understand as a women it hurts, but i am sure he loves you and finds you very attractive. Hang in there and please don't let this bring you down....try using it as motivation. Good luck.

:huh: :sick:

dragonfly81

Just MHO:

A relationship is about respect, and compromise.

If this is something the two of you have had an issue with before, and he knows how it makes you feel, yet continues to do it, I would think one of two things:

1 - He has an addiction; or
2 - He has no respect for your boundries/request.

With that being said, men and women both look at p*rn. If it's causing a disruption then something has to change. A compromise has to be made(on both sides), or a change must occur. Otherwise the cycle will just continue.

Does he make you feel good about yourself? Does he treat you the way you're supposed to be treated? Does he view this to increase his libido or does he simply like looking at naked women?

I hope you guys can work through it, and I hope you feel better about yourself. You are a beautiful gem and deserve to be treated as such. :flowerforyou:

♥seoid♥

now i'm crying....glad i'm not the only one. :sad:

Phoenix_Rising

Just MHO:

A relationship is about respect, and compromise.

If this is something the two of you have had an issue with before, and he knows how it makes you feel, yet continues to do it, I would think one of two things:

1 - He has an addiction; or
2 - He has no respect for your boundries/request.

With that being said, men and women both look at p*rn. If it's causing a disruption then something has to change. A compromise has to be made(on both sides), or a change must occur. Otherwise the cycle will just continue.

Does he make you feel good about yourself? Does he treat you the way you're supposed to be treated? Does he view this to increase his libido or does he simply like looking at naked women?

I hope you guys can work through it, and I hope you feel better about yourself. You are a beautiful gem and deserve to be treated as such. :flowerforyou:

Great post :flowerforyou:

agarlits

Men are dogs!
It has nothing to do with what you look like or that the other girl/girls look like. It's only about his satisfaction. It wouldn't matter if you looked like a super model...most likely he's still look at other women. Look at Rebecca Romaine and John Stamos, Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Men are pigs...they don't think with their head or their heart...only their anatomy.
Have you confronted him? I wish you the best...remember that you are worth it even if he doesn't see it!

You must have had some bad experiances with men in your life and I'm sorry you think that way about men now but I can assure you I think with my mind and my heart before my anatomy.

♥seoid♥

what worries me the most is that there are LOCAL women. women he could actually meet. he and his ex GF were on a website together. this is my biggest concern. if it were videos or something i would be more understanding.

Tgeorge

I am sorry you are hurting. Does his actions bother you/ hurt you because the pictures are naked, other women, or something else? If he was in a muesem and looking at nake sculptures or artwork would it make a difference? Establish the action is hurtful and why it is hurtful to him and then let him explain himself and figure out if there are guidelines that you both can live with?
Best of luck..

dragonfly81

Okay, I may be reaching, but maybe he's just browsing the local sites to see if he knows any of the people on it. (I've done that!) And been fairly surprised at people I would never think of that show up on a nudie site! lol

1Corinthians13

He knew I considered him looking at that stuff as cheating. (No - I don't care about anyone's opinion on my take of this -- all that is important is he knew when we began dating how I viewed it, and he agreed not to view it because I would take it as his cheating.)

I agree, and maybe that's why I don't care. He doesn't do it often, but I know when he does. And he was honest about it from the beginning. I mean from our first date. If it bothered me, that was the time to speak up. But it doesn't. I think b/c my ex pretended to be perfect - telling me I was the only woman he ever looked at, telling me he never checked out other women, never looked at porn unless we were watching it together, would never cheat on me, no other women existed...blah blah blah. And every single thing out of his mouth was a lie - he's still lying to me! So I think that's part of why it doesn't bother me. Plus, I know it isn't affecting our relationship at all. I once thought it would bother me, but it doesn't anymore b/c I get that the few times he does watch it, he might be seeing a different girl, but he's thinking about me. He told me he's too old to just use his imagination. He needs visual.

Totally rambling now. sorry!

rachi20024

I wouldn't deal with it. He is in a relationship with you he is in love with you, and YOUR body not some random girl he's never even met. I would listen to pheonix and take this as a warning sign. Encourage him to stop but if he won't let it go and it bothers you he obviously has no respect for you or your feelings. At that point I would leave. I am so sorry and you are a beautiful woman:flowerforyou:

GTOgirl1969

I dealt with a man who decided it was acceptable to cheat on me (the woman even had the stones to show up AT OUR HOUSE!). There was physical violence directed at me by him- he was so furious at getting caught that he came unglued on me. I've cut him out of my life and I'm doing a lot better.

Phoenix_Rising

what worries me the most is that there are LOCAL women. women he could actually meet. he and his ex GF were on a website together. this is my biggest concern. if it were videos or something i would be more understanding.

OH.
To me, that changes the entire game.
That is a BIG DEAL.

135gratitude

Yes, the new details change things FOR SURE.

IMHO, get out of the relationship, and fast. You deserve better, and a man who respects you, and your relationship, not a man who is viewing porn with an ex-girlfriend!
:noway:

TheMaidOfAstolat

Men are dogs!
It has nothing to do with what you look like or that the other girl/girls look like. It's only about his satisfaction. It wouldn't matter if you looked like a super model...most likely he's still look at other women. Look at Rebecca Romaine and John Stamos, Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Men are pigs...they don't think with their head or their heart...only their anatomy.
Have you confronted him? I wish you the best...remember that you are worth it even if he doesn't see it!

You must have had some bad experiances with men in your life and I'm sorry you think that way about men now but I can assure you I think with my mind and my heart before my anatomy.

Nope...the opposite. I've been with the same man since I was 16. I'm 24 now and he has never cheated or looked at porn. I work in computer programming...I can do things to our computer that he couldn't dream of. Our marriage is founded upon our individual relationship with Christ. I agree with Phoenix_Rising...looking at porn is cheating. If you covet another then it is a sin (both adultery and lust).

1Corinthians13

Just MHO:

A relationship is about respect, and compromise.

If this is something the two of you have had an issue with before, and he knows how it makes you feel, yet continues to do it, I would think one of two things:

1 - He has an addiction; or
2 - He has no respect for your boundries/request.

With that being said, men and women both look at p*rn. If it's causing a disruption then something has to change. A compromise has to be made(on both sides), or a change must occur. Otherwise the cycle will just continue.

Does he make you feel good about yourself? Does he treat you the way you're supposed to be treated? Does he view this to increase his libido or does he simply like looking at naked women?

I hope you guys can work through it, and I hope you feel better about yourself. You are a beautiful gem and deserve to be treated as such. :flowerforyou:

Excellent post.

GTOgirl1969

Yes, the new details change things FOR SURE.

IMHO, get out of the relationship, and fast. You deserve better, and a man who respects you, and your relationship, not a man who is viewing porn with an ex-girlfriend!
:noway:

He needs his head examined, or his @ss kicked, one or the other. It sucks that so many aren't satisfied with what's right in front of them....and they don't give a rat's @ss who they steamroll over in order to get what they want.

Sorry to rant...I have an extremely sore spot for men who cheat.

havingitall

Do you look at other men? Not necessarily naked but if you see a good looking man on the street or a guy with a great body at the gym, do you look? Do you comment on actors? I know I do. My family all knows I think Shemar Moore is incredibly handsome. I have even made comments about him. I expect that my husband is going to look at beautiful women too. As a matter of fact, his job entails him looking at what other people look at on their computers at work and they look at quite a lot of skin.

My husband loves me. He was attracted to me 75 lbs heavier ( God knows why...but he was). He makes me feel adored. Both he and I have been with unfaithful spouses in the past and there is no way that either of us would put each other through that. I trust him... no secret passwords so he can't look at porn and I don't hide anything from him either. I did not trust my ex-husband and it was a life of hell. I always worried about what he was doing.

Trust is the key to any relationship. If you can't trust him... don't be with him. Eventually it will eat away at your relationship and it will be ugly