VERY personal ~ TMI

bethrs

I think a lot of people have made awesome points.

Relationships are all unique. And the most important thing is that there is communication and boundaries. And I think to each their own. Some people (self included) construct boundaries that allow the use of visual images, others do not. ( and I would like to note not all consumers of these things are male- just sayin' ). Both of these ways of handling the situation are okay. The point is that once boundaries are set in a relationship, both parties need to abide by them, and if they cannot compromise and if one party disagrees with the other, then they need to leave the relationship.

While I do believe that the general use of p*rn is more the norm than the exception, I believe that there are men out there who can give this up to be with a woman they love. We will never reach a consensus about this here.

The point is that Seoid is a beautiful woman and she is unfortunately with someone who is not respecting the boundaries she has set (and is also doing much more than just looking at p*rn considering the LOCAL aspect and the ex-gf factor, both making this a very different situation). The other point is....

I think we can all agree that we suport you right now, Seoid. This is not your fault. this is not a reflection of your short comings as a partner or your looks. This is about him, and opinions about p*rn in relationships is neither here nor there, you are hurting for very good reasons, and he is not treating you the way you deserve. Bonnie is right- he should carry the celery if it is the "price of admission" to be with you. And it sounds like you've done very well in communicating the "deal breakers" and "prices of admission".

:flowerforyou: hugs.

songbyrdsweet

I personally really enjoy watching adult films. That doesn't mean I expect my S/O to look/perform like the men in the films. If you have self-esteem issues, that is YOUR issue and something YOU have to deal with, and you would have them whether he was looking at naked pictures or not. That is YOU comparing yourself to those women.

That said, it is IMO unacceptable to look at one's ex naked once you're with someone new. I really see that as the only issue here.

If you have a problem with your SO viewing naked pictures, get a new SO. I see no reason why you should be able to control what he does in privacy as long as it's not bringing physical harm to anyone else. Plenty of people like looking at porn. I have a bachelor's degree and I'm starting my PhD soon. So am I acting like an animal because I enjoy looking at adult films? It's natural to enjoy sex and it's fun to look at other people enjoying it.

Yay! You said what I've been trying to say but better!

LOL Glad to voice your opinion! :drinker:

People talk about porn like only men look at it, and men should be held to some standard not to be tempted, and so on and so on. Well shoot, none of my exes ever complained that *I* liked watching it, and I never minded that they liked it. You can either share that experience (makes for a fun 'boring' Tuesday night LOL) or turn it into a jealousy/trust/self-esteem issue. In a healthy relationship, your hubby is looking at porn because you're either unavailable or you want to watch it too. He's not looking at the screen thinking 'Ohhh, I wish my wife of 5 years was super skinny with huge fake boobs and would let me _______ her like that."

TaraJ16

i would be sitting down and having a serious chat with your bf if i were you. if he knows how you feel about him looking at porn, he should stay away from it. and he should def stay away from local sites!

My boyfriend knew how i felt about porn and mags from the beginning of our relationship. When we moved in together we got the computer like a month later. i was sleeping one night and he had the screen turned away from me, when i woke up he just quickly exited the pages. not realizing that i could view the history...and i freaked on him because he lied to me about it.

a few months later, for a week everyday he got home from work he'd bring his work bag into the bathroom with him. he left it out one day and i looked in it (bad me, i know) and sure enough there were 3 mags. he told me he'd found them that day and he was going to show them to me so we could look through them together....i told him i thought that was BS since he knows i don't like porn.

about a year later i was going through and junking out the house, and i came across this big shoe box that was wrapped up in a bath robe and put at the bottom of a laundry hamper with a ton of stuff on top of it. i looked inside, and the box was crammed full of mags....mags he told me he'd gotten rid of when we moved in together. i knew he hadn't been looking at them at least in a while because the hamper was in the storage closet that was full of crap. i brought the box out and asked him wth this was and why he didn't get rid of it. his response "just in case i wanted to look at them" i told him then that he had a choice, he could get rid of the box full of them, or he could leave. i told him i was pissed he'd lied to me about porn for a 3rd time and that i was done, he could have me or that. and since he was faced with that decision he hasn't lied to me about it again.

hopefully talking to him will make him see that he needs to make a choice. i hope everything works out for you

1Corinthians13

I personally really enjoy watching adult films. That doesn't mean I expect my S/O to look/perform like the men in the films. If you have self-esteem issues, that is YOUR issue and something YOU have to deal with, and you would have them whether he was looking at naked pictures or not. That is YOU comparing yourself to those women.

That said, it is IMO unacceptable to look at one's ex naked once you're with someone new. I really see that as the only issue here.

If you have a problem with your SO viewing naked pictures, get a new SO. I see no reason why you should be able to control what he does in privacy as long as it's not bringing physical harm to anyone else. Plenty of people like looking at porn. I have a bachelor's degree and I'm starting my PhD soon. So am I acting like an animal because I enjoy looking at adult films? It's natural to enjoy sex and it's fun to look at other people enjoying it.

Yay! You said what I've been trying to say but better!

LOL Glad to voice your opinion! :drinker:

People talk about porn like only men look at it, and men should be held to some standard not to be tempted, and so on and so on. Well shoot, none of my exes ever complained that *I* liked watching it, and I never minded that they liked it. You can either share that experience (makes for a fun 'boring' Tuesday night LOL) or turn it into a jealousy/trust/self-esteem issue. In a healthy relationship, your hubby is looking at porn because you're either unavailable or you want to watch it too. He's not looking at the screen thinking 'Ohhh, I wish my wife of 5 years was super skinny with huge fake boobs and would let me _______ her like that."

Exactly. I know my bf looks at in the mornings that I leave before him. I get up last minute, and well, he always wants some in the morning! If he gets up before me, he'll wake me up. But when he doesn't need to get up right away, I basically get up and get dressed and go, so there's no time. I know that on some of those mornings, he looks at porn or pics to get off b/c he wants the release. He's wishin' I was there instead, but the porn will do what he needs for a temporary fix. He absolutely worships my body. I mean, seriously. And you're right about making Tuesdays not boring! :laugh: I don't generally watch porn without him, but I enjoy watching it with him. All I need are my toys and imagination.

songbyrdsweet

i would be sitting down and having a serious chat with your bf if i were you. if he knows how you feel about him looking at porn, he should stay away from it. and he should def stay away from local sites!

My boyfriend knew how i felt about porn and mags from the beginning of our relationship. When we moved in together we got the computer like a month later. i was sleeping one night and he had the screen turned away from me, when i woke up he just quickly exited the pages. not realizing that i could view the history...and i freaked on him because he lied to me about it.

a few months later, for a week everyday he got home from work he'd bring his work bag into the bathroom with him. he left it out one day and i looked in it (bad me, i know) and sure enough there were 3 mags. he told me he'd found them that day and he was going to show them to me so we could look through them together....i told him i thought that was BS since he knows i don't like porn.

about a year later i was going through and junking out the house, and i came across this big shoe box that was wrapped up in a bath robe and put at the bottom of a laundry hamper with a ton of stuff on top of it. i looked inside, and the box was crammed full of mags....mags he told me he'd gotten rid of when we moved in together. i knew he hadn't been looking at them at least in a while because the hamper was in the storage closet that was full of crap. i brought the box out and asked him wth this was and why he didn't get rid of it. his response "just in case i wanted to look at them" i told him then that he had a choice, he could get rid of the box full of them, or he could leave. i told him i was pissed he'd lied to me about porn for a 3rd time and that i was done, he could have me or that. and since he was faced with that decision he hasn't lied to me about it again.

hopefully talking to him will make him see that he needs to make a choice. i hope everything works out for you

What if you had just gotten over YOUR dislike for it and let him have HIS sexual freedom in his privacy? Then he wouldn't have to be secretive about something that shouldn't be a problem anyway, and you wouldn't have felt betrayed? It's not like you have to look at it just because he does. Just a thought.

samantha115

I dont know if anyone else has said it, I havent read through all the pages. With that beinng said, look at it with him. Get ideas. Have him take pictures of you (whenever your ready). Make him look else where with you there of course. Its hot, its something that you two could do together. You could get soome really good sex out of this.

1Corinthians13

I think a lot of people have made awesome points.

Relationships are all unique. And the most important thing is that there is communication and boundaries. And I think to each their own. Some people (self included) construct boundaries that allow the use of visual images, others do not. ( and I would like to note not all consumers of these things are male- just sayin' ). Both of these ways of handling the situation are okay. The point is that once boundaries are set in a relationship, both parties need to abide by them, and if they cannot compromise and if one party disagrees with the other, then they need to leave the relationship.

While I do believe that the general use of p*rn is more the norm than the exception, I believe that there are men out there who can give this up to be with a woman they love. We will never reach a consensus about this here.

The point is that Seoid is a beautiful woman and she is unfortunately with someone who is not respecting the boundaries she has set (and is also doing much more than just looking at p*rn considering the LOCAL aspect and the ex-gf factor, both making this a very different situation). The other point is....

I think we can all agree that we suport you right now, Seoid. This is not your fault. this is not a reflection of your short comings as a partner or your looks. This is about him, and opinions about p*rn in relationships is neither here nor there, you are hurting for very good reasons, and he is not treating you the way you deserve. Bonnie is right- he should carry the celery if it is the "price of admission" to be with you. And it sounds like you've done very well in communicating the "deal breakers" and "prices of admission".

:flowerforyou: hugs.

Good post. And you're absolutely right. Everyone is different. Everyone has different boundaries. But those boundaries need to be abided by.

And yes, Seoid, we all support you. *hugs*

songbyrdsweet

I personally really enjoy watching adult films. That doesn't mean I expect my S/O to look/perform like the men in the films. If you have self-esteem issues, that is YOUR issue and something YOU have to deal with, and you would have them whether he was looking at naked pictures or not. That is YOU comparing yourself to those women.

That said, it is IMO unacceptable to look at one's ex naked once you're with someone new. I really see that as the only issue here.

If you have a problem with your SO viewing naked pictures, get a new SO. I see no reason why you should be able to control what he does in privacy as long as it's not bringing physical harm to anyone else. Plenty of people like looking at porn. I have a bachelor's degree and I'm starting my PhD soon. So am I acting like an animal because I enjoy looking at adult films? It's natural to enjoy sex and it's fun to look at other people enjoying it.

Yay! You said what I've been trying to say but better!

LOL Glad to voice your opinion! :drinker:

People talk about porn like only men look at it, and men should be held to some standard not to be tempted, and so on and so on. Well shoot, none of my exes ever complained that *I* liked watching it, and I never minded that they liked it. You can either share that experience (makes for a fun 'boring' Tuesday night LOL) or turn it into a jealousy/trust/self-esteem issue. In a healthy relationship, your hubby is looking at porn because you're either unavailable or you want to watch it too. He's not looking at the screen thinking 'Ohhh, I wish my wife of 5 years was super skinny with huge fake boobs and would let me _______ her like that."

Exactly. I know my bf looks at in the mornings that I leave before him. I get up last minute, and well, he always wants some in the morning! If he gets up before me, he'll wake me up. But when he doesn't need to get up right away, I basically get up and get dressed and go, so there's no time. I know that on some of those mornings, he looks at porn or pics to get off b/c he wants the release. He's wishin' I was there instead, but the porn will do what he needs for a temporary fix. He absolutely worships my body. I mean, seriously. And you're right about making Tuesdays not boring! :laugh: I don't generally watch porn without him, but I enjoy watching it with him. All I need are my toys and imagination.

Hear, hear! :drinker: People have been making porn since the beginning of motion picture. We all make porn, just not all of us record it! :laugh:

♥seoid♥

thanks all for your input and advice. we will talk about it tonight, he and i.

:ohwell:

SkinnyJess

My heart goes out to you. I have not personally gone through this, but know people who have. My opinion, as a Christian, is that it is adultery. The reason I say that is found in the Bible, Matthew 5:28.
"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a women lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." NIV I don't know if this helps or not, but I find great comfort in the Bible. There is another verse that just came to me. It's in Proverbs 5:19. "...may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love." This is a verse talking about wives. My prayers are sure with you and I know the Lord will get you through this. Be blessed today and always! :flowerforyou:

Phoenix_Rising

What if you had just gotten over YOUR dislike for it and let him have HIS sexual freedom in his privacy? Then he wouldn't have to be secretive about something that shouldn't be a problem anyway, and you wouldn't have felt betrayed? It's not like you have to look at it just because he does. Just a thought.

Some of us have issues from the past that prevent us from being able to accept this behavior. Should I work on these with a counselor? Probably. Currently, I have other more pressing issues for therapy, but that one is on my list. However, I don't think I'll ever get over my feelings.

But if boundaries are set from the beginning, there should never be an allowance, not for secretly betraying those limits of trust. In my case, he knew it was not allowed from the moment we started dating. We discussed it at length for over a week, and he finally came to understand my viewpoint (I didn't say agree -- but understand) and agreed he'd never look. When he did start viewing p*rn, it became an issue of trust and betrayal of that trust.

If he had a huge issue with me wearing the color blue, but I liked the color blue and wore it anyhow, would it not still be my own issue for doing something that knowingly upset him? Yes, incredibly simplistic example, but why would you hurt someone you love intentionally? I don't think it matters what the hang-up is, but if you've been made aware of it, and violate that trust anyhow. That is disrespectful and uncaring.

(And I just really like debating )

CrystalT

A man looking at porn doesn't mean that he thinks his gf or wife is unattractive. It doesn't mean he doesn't love her with all his heart. My guy HAS taken pictures of me...and uses those instead of porn now. But it's proven that men's brains are different than ours. They are visual, whether we like it or not.

Ditto, to you, too!! :laugh:

(Sorry sis, if you see this. I know, TMI!!)

But by using this argument, you are saying that women -- being more mentally stimulated -- should be allowed to heavily flirt and even have cyber s3x, because that is what does the trick for us. ? :huh:


My mom once caught a friend's husband peeping in on her as she was changing. Mom was disgusted and informed her friend. The friend said, "I don't care who pumps up the tires as long as I get to ride the bike."

:sick: Not my style, for sure. Maybe I'm just greedy and needy, but I need ALL his attention.

Yet another person who likes to twist what other people say. I was not saying that at all. There is a difference between looking at an inactive person in a picture and involving another active person which both flirting and cyber s3x do.

And I bet if you really wanted ALL of your man's attention, you would have it. I KNOW I would have my man's. However, most women (including myself) do not want to give their man the same amount of attention that they would like. I'm just saying that if I'm not willing to give it to him, I have no problem with him taking care of himself. If he isn't looking at it in a physical picture, he's still picturing it in his mind. What's the difference??

TaraJ16

What if you had just gotten over YOUR dislike for it and let him have HIS sexual freedom in his privacy? Then he wouldn't have to be secretive about something that shouldn't be a problem anyway, and you wouldn't have felt betrayed? It's not like you have to look at it just because he does. Just a thought.

we had known each other for years before we started dating. so he knew how i felt about it, if he wanted to continue with it then he shouldn't have gotten with me. in all honesty though, if he'd have come to me and told me that he wanted to look at it, then i might have been ok with, or at least brought up the discussion about it again, because he'd been honest. but instead he lied to me about it and went behind my back.

TaraJ16

Yes, incredibly simplistic example, but why would you hurt someone you love intentionally?

Exactly!! I remained very good friends with my ex after we stopped dating, but it made my bf uncomfortable even though he said he trusted me and knew nothing would happen. We'd been dating for a couple of months and it still made him uncomfortable and he asked me to stop seeing him. I then had to make the choice, stay friends with my ex, or be with my bf. i could've gone behind his back and stayed friends with the ex....but i didn't want to hurt him since i knew how much it meant to him.

1Corinthians13

However, most women (including myself) do not want to give their man the same amount of attention that they would like. I'm just saying that if I'm not willing to give it to him, I have no problem with him taking care of himself. If he isn't looking at it in a physical picture, he's still picturing it in his mind. What's the difference??

I agree with your point and know what you're saying, but not all women are like that. Unless I'm physically not home or unable...I am more than willing and at least 50% of the time the initiator. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I just felt the need to defend horny women like me.

Phoenix_Rising

A man looking at porn doesn't mean that he thinks his gf or wife is unattractive. It doesn't mean he doesn't love her with all his heart. My guy HAS taken pictures of me...and uses those instead of porn now. But it's proven that men's brains are different than ours. They are visual, whether we like it or not.

Ditto, to you, too!! :laugh:

(Sorry sis, if you see this. I know, TMI!!)

But by using this argument, you are saying that women -- being more mentally stimulated -- should be allowed to heavily flirt and even have cyber s3x, because that is what does the trick for us. ? :huh:


My mom once caught a friend's husband peeping in on her as she was changing. Mom was disgusted and informed her friend. The friend said, "I don't care who pumps up the tires as long as I get to ride the bike."

:sick: Not my style, for sure. Maybe I'm just greedy and needy, but I need ALL his attention.

Yet another person who likes to twist what other people say. I was not saying that at all. There is a difference between looking at an inactive person in a picture and involving another active person which both flirting and cyber s3x do.

And I bet if you really wanted ALL of your man's attention, you would have it. I KNOW I would have my man's. However, most women (including myself) do not want to give their man the same amount of attention that they would like. I'm just saying that if I'm not willing to give it to him, I have no problem with him taking care of himself. If he isn't looking at it in a physical picture, he's still picturing it in his mind. What's the difference??

Slippery slope there, suggesting men turn to nudie pics because their women aren't attentive.:indifferent:

1Corinthians13

Yes, incredibly simplistic example, but why would you hurt someone you love intentionally?

Exactly!! I remained very good friends with my ex after we stopped dating, but it made my bf uncomfortable even though he said he trusted me and knew nothing would happen. We'd been dating for a couple of months and it still made him uncomfortable and he asked me to stop seeing him. I then had to make the choice, stay friends with my ex, or be with my bf. i could've gone behind his back and stayed friends with the ex....but i didn't want to hurt him since i knew how much it meant to him.

I do agree completely. It takes both sides though - there has to be a compromise. In the original post, it's clear that her bf knew beforehand how she felt and still went behind her back. In my own situation, I knew from date one and didn't have an issue with it. There definitely is a difference, and I know that my bf wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me. Nor would I do anything to hurt him.

TaraJ16

What if you had just gotten over YOUR dislike for it and let him have HIS sexual freedom in his privacy? Then he wouldn't have to be secretive about something that shouldn't be a problem anyway, and you wouldn't have felt betrayed? It's not like you have to look at it just because he does. Just a thought.

This brings me to wonder, what if it wasn't porn that was in question....would you still have the same answer, for the other party to just get over it?

My dad started doing cocaine behind my moms back, knowing very well that she'd leave him if he was doing drugs. So should she have just gotten over her dislike and let him have his freedom in his privacy as well?

IMO, if you know your SO is against something then you should either stay away from that, or not be with them. its all about respect

Phoenix_Rising

However, most women (including myself) do not want to give their man the same amount of attention that they would like. I'm just saying that if I'm not willing to give it to him, I have no problem with him taking care of himself. If he isn't looking at it in a physical picture, he's still picturing it in his mind. What's the difference??

I agree with your point and know what you're saying, but not all women are like that. Unless I'm physically not home or unable...I am more than willing and at least 50% of the time the initiator. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I just felt the need to defend horny women like me.

I usually have the higher libido in my relationships. (I pluralized 'relationships' but I am only in one at a time.... :laugh: )

Phoenix_Rising

Yes, incredibly simplistic example, but why would you hurt someone you love intentionally?

Exactly!! I remained very good friends with my ex after we stopped dating, but it made my bf uncomfortable even though he said he trusted me and knew nothing would happen. We'd been dating for a couple of months and it still made him uncomfortable and he asked me to stop seeing him. I then had to make the choice, stay friends with my ex, or be with my bf. i could've gone behind his back and stayed friends with the ex....but i didn't want to hurt him since i knew how much it meant to him.

I do agree completely. It takes both sides though - there has to be a compromise. In the original post, it's clear that her bf knew beforehand how she felt and still went behind her back. In my own situation, I knew from date one and didn't have an issue with it. There definitely is a difference, and I know that my bf wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me. Nor would I do anything to hurt him.

I think the issue isn't porn.
I think it's trust and open communication.
(I think that is the case in most issues that arise in marriage.)