VERY personal ~ TMI

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  • CrystalT
    CrystalT Posts: 862 Member
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    A man looking at porn doesn't mean that he thinks his gf or wife is unattractive. It doesn't mean he doesn't love her with all his heart. My guy HAS taken pictures of me...and uses those instead of porn now. But it's proven that men's brains are different than ours. They are visual, whether we like it or not.

    Ditto, to you, too!! :laugh:

    (Sorry sis, if you see this. I know, TMI!!)
  • CrystalT
    CrystalT Posts: 862 Member
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    But again... looking at LOCAL girls? Totally different!!!

    I agree!! That's just not cool.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    A man looking at porn doesn't mean that he thinks his gf or wife is unattractive. It doesn't mean he doesn't love her with all his heart. My guy HAS taken pictures of me...and uses those instead of porn now. But it's proven that men's brains are different than ours. They are visual, whether we like it or not.

    Ditto, to you, too!! :laugh:

    (Sorry sis, if you see this. I know, TMI!!)

    But by using this argument, you are saying that women -- being more mentally stimulated -- should be allowed to heavily flirt and even have cyber s3x, because that is what does the trick for us. ? :huh:


    My mom once caught a friend's husband peeping in on her as she was changing. Mom was disgusted and informed her friend. The friend said, "I don't care who pumps up the tires as long as I get to ride the bike."

    :sick: Not my style, for sure. Maybe I'm just greedy and needy, but I need ALL his attention.
  • Shanon
    Shanon Posts: 9
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    I struggled with that with my ex-husband. That's part of why the ex happened. He'd wait till I went to bed and would go online a look at those sites. It tore me up inside that he'd rather go online than come to me. I actually put on quite a bit of weight after that.

    Now i'm not saying leave him. The only reason I did was because he refused to change. I basically became a person to cook and clean for him. I decided I was better than that. Now i've found a husband who loves me for me.
  • April0815
    April0815 Posts: 780 Member
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    The part I would have the biggest problem with is the ex-girlfriend. It's not like he is having a friendly conversation with her (not saying that's okay), he is in a porn site with her. To me that is cheating. No matter what he tries to say.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    I struggled with that with my ex-husband. That's part of why the ex happened. He'd wait till I went to bed and would go online a look at those sites. It tore me up inside that he'd rather go online than come to me. I actually put on quite a bit of weight after that.

    Now i'm not saying leave him. The only reason I did was because he refused to change. I basically became a person to cook and clean for him. I decided I was better than that. Now i've found a husband who loves me for me.

    Your story inspires me.
    I'm at the 'just left him' part of your story.
    I can't wait till I progress into the 'husband who loves me for me' part of the story. :smooched:
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
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    It's pretty much guaranteed that if there is a computer in the house, a man will be looking at stuff like that- very few men would be the exception. I don't get the male preoccupation with porn, but it seems to be a common thing that most of them engage in. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you, or how attractive he finds you. That being said, it's not something I would want my man doing, and I absolutely know how hard it would be on your self-esteem. It's just how we are as women- we think we should be enough- end of story.

    It can become a very strong addiction for a man that he may or may not be able to overcome. There was a man on one of the Obsessed-type shows who couldn't give up his porn addiction despite the fact that his wife, whom he seemed to love very much, kicked him out of the house. He was in therapy, and trying to break the habit, but he just couldn't. He was kind of a lost cause at that point.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    It's pretty much guaranteed that if there is a computer in the house, a man will be looking at stuff like that- very few men would be the exception. I don't get the male preoccupation with porn, but it seems to be a common thing that most of them engage in. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you, or how attractive he finds you. That being said, it's not something I would want my man doing, and I absolutely know how hard it would be on your self-esteem. It's just how we are as women- we think we should be enough- end of story.

    It can become a very strong addiction for a man that he may or may not be able to overcome. There was a man on one of the Obsessed-type shows who couldn't give up his porn addiction despite the fact that his wife, whom he seemed to love very much, kicked him out of the house. He was in therapy, and trying to break the habit, but he just couldn't. He was kind of a lost cause at that point.

    But he tried :flowerforyou: Major points there for him.
    Reminds me of David Duchovney (sp) having to go into sex rehab after a season of Californication.
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
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    what worries me the most is that there are LOCAL women. women he could actually meet. he and his ex GF were on a website together. this is my biggest concern. if it were videos or something i would be more understanding.

    So, you're not talking porn, you're talking about chatting with and looking at local girls? Well, that's a whole different story. If that's the case, I'd say you need to forget about him.
  • LittleEva44
    LittleEva44 Posts: 263
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    NOT ME (no issue). And I'll tell you "why".

    1. When he touches the screen, can he "feel her"? No.
    2. Can he smell her? No.
    3. Can he taste her? No.
    4. Say if he does this w/Playboy can he do the same when he smells her? No. All he smells is the ink used to print the pictures/magazines.
    5. When he sees her on the screen, can she see him back (eye contact)? No.
    6. When he talks to her can she hear him? No.

    My husband is deaf. He was born deaf. I have shared alot of my weight stories, tips, etc., but I don't include hubby's info until now. My husband also gets on the internet and sees his porno. Does that upset me? No. Why? Because I know the woman there is not "real". I am. Yeah, I'm tired, sleepy, and just want to conk out at night. I THANK the computer for him (and Playboy) for taking care of his needs. Girl, I have lost 16 pounds since January 2009 and he STILL goes to the computer. He also has a beautiful calendar pin-up in the computer room and garage (his domain). When he forgets to flip to the current month guess who reminds him to do so? MOI! :happy:

    Women have to be CONFIDENT with themselves and their bodies. I am not a jealous woman as that is an EVIL green eyed monster that doesn't do the body, mind, nor soul any good. (Eva stepping off her soap box now)....but one more thing...is MY hubby jealous? You bet! He has no worries at my end, it's he who has that issue...not me :wink:
  • 1Corinthians13
    1Corinthians13 Posts: 5,296 Member
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    A man looking at porn doesn't mean that he thinks his gf or wife is unattractive. It doesn't mean he doesn't love her with all his heart. My guy HAS taken pictures of me...and uses those instead of porn now. But it's proven that men's brains are different than ours. They are visual, whether we like it or not.

    Ditto, to you, too!! :laugh:

    (Sorry sis, if you see this. I know, TMI!!)

    :laugh:
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    NOT ME (no issue). And I'll tell you "why".

    1. When he touches the screen, can he "feel her"? No.
    2. Can he smell her? No.
    3. Can he taste her? No.
    4. Say if he does this w/Playboy can he do the same when he smells her? No. All he smells is the ink used to print the pictures/magazines.
    5. When he sees her on the screen, can he see her back? No.

    So is a lap dance cheating?

    Would he be comfortable if the roles were reversed and other men, including his buddies, were seeing you naked? (And yes, some men would be comfortable.)


    (I hope no one reads "attitude" in my question. I promise there is none. I like debating points is all! :flowerforyou: )
  • shinybonnie
    shinybonnie Posts: 357
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    I think Phoenix_Rising has hit the nail on the head. If we shrug and say "Men are more visual, we can't expect them to not look," we are basically saying ya, men are animals and can't be expected to act like civilized human beings. We're lowering the standards of what is acceptable behavior for all men. Looking at women may be "natural," in that men are born with the instinct. But that doesn't mean they have to do it. For my year old, pooping in his pants is "natural." However, I intend to train him to be a civilized human being who poops in the potty.

    But what's worse in this particular situation is that she told him from the beginning of the relationship what was not acceptable, and now 2 times he has dismissed her. It doesn't matter what the issue is. If it is important to you that your mate carry celery in his pocket at all times - if your mate is in love with you and wants a relationship with you, he will have to weigh the costs and decide which he wants: you or a pocket free from celery.

    If this were me, I would never be happy in the relationship, knowing that I was not a high priority in his life. If you are important to him, he will want to make you happy. If he does have sick compulsion or addiction to pornography, he can go get help - not continue with the excuses and behavior. The fact that he has not gotten help for his illness shows that the porn comes before you.
  • 1Corinthians13
    1Corinthians13 Posts: 5,296 Member
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    A man looking at porn doesn't mean that he thinks his gf or wife is unattractive. It doesn't mean he doesn't love her with all his heart. My guy HAS taken pictures of me...and uses those instead of porn now. But it's proven that men's brains are different than ours. They are visual, whether we like it or not.

    Ditto, to you, too!! :laugh:

    (Sorry sis, if you see this. I know, TMI!!)

    But by using this argument, you are saying that women -- being more mentally stimulated -- should be allowed to heavily flirt and even have cyber s3x, because that is what does the trick for us. ? :huh:


    My mom once caught a friend's husband peeping in on her as she was changing. Mom was disgusted and informed her friend. The friend said, "I don't care who pumps up the tires as long as I get to ride the bike."

    :sick: Not my style, for sure. Maybe I'm just greedy and needy, but I need ALL his attention.

    No...in my experience, it's totally different for women. Once I'm with someone I love, I don't need anyone or anything else. But men are programmed, biologically programmed, to look. They just are. Women aren't. Women, generally I think, are programmed to stick with one person because we have the whole maternal thing going. That's women's natural animal instinct. To be a mother. To take care of her family. But men's natural animal instinct is to procreate. As my bf has explained it to me - it's been scientifically proven. Does it give men the right to fool around? No. It doesn't. My bf has no desire to, ever. He's with me, and he loves me and my body and what we have together and has no desire to be with anyone else. But men are genetically driven to look. Whether with someone or not. Women, as I said, seem to be more likely to stop flirting or having deep conversatio with other men once in a solid, real relationship. Or at least, that's how I am. Men and women are just different. Very, very different.

    *shrug*

    I don't want to fight with anyone (and you know I love you Lauryn, so please don't think I'm fighting or upset at all - just discussing!), but I truly believe that any guy that says he doesn't look at other women is lying. Maybe there are men out there who don't look at porn, but there isn't a man alive from the age of 10 on who doesn't check out women when they can.
  • 1Corinthians13
    1Corinthians13 Posts: 5,296 Member
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    what worries me the most is that there are LOCAL women. women he could actually meet. he and his ex GF were on a website together. this is my biggest concern. if it were videos or something i would be more understanding.

    So, you're not talking porn, you're talking about chatting with and looking at local girls? Well, that's a whole different story. If that's the case, I'd say you need to forget about him.

    Agreed.
  • 1Corinthians13
    1Corinthians13 Posts: 5,296 Member
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    Men ARE visual.

    I'm not disputing that. But we are visual, tangible objects right in front of them. We allow them to look at other women and say it's okay (as a society). They can just as easily look at the woman they are with. Just my humble opinion. :flowerforyou:

    Which brings back the point I made on page 1. I think sometimes we, as women have hangups about our own bodies and don't want our husbands/boyfriends "looking" at us. Come on... how many of us are worried that what they're really looking at is the wiggle and jiggle? I know I worry about that. Maybe part of the draw in looking at porn/pictures is that the woman in the picture is not shy about her body - she comes across as being confident. Just proof that confidence is sexy!

    I read romance novels... sometimes, really descriptive romance novels... does that mean that I'm cheating? No. Eh... if my husband wants to look at some pictures, that's ok... he's with me.

    But again... looking at LOCAL girls? Totally different!!!

    I think that's a good point, and true!!! Guys hate it when us girls are insecure because most of the time, they don't see our bodies the way we do! They see them much better!
  • April0815
    April0815 Posts: 780 Member
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    Wat does he say about the EX-GIRLFRIEND? He is on the site with her, that is something way worse than the porn.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    I personally really enjoy watching adult films. That doesn't mean I expect my S/O to look/perform like the men in the films. If you have self-esteem issues, that is YOUR issue and something YOU have to deal with, and you would have them whether he was looking at naked pictures or not. That is YOU comparing yourself to those women.

    That said, it is IMO unacceptable to look at one's ex naked once you're with someone new. I really see that as the only issue here.

    If you have a problem with your SO viewing naked pictures, get a new SO. I see no reason why you should be able to control what he does in privacy as long as it's not bringing physical harm to anyone else. Plenty of people like looking at porn. I have a bachelor's degree and I'm starting my PhD soon. So am I acting like an animal because I enjoy looking at adult films? It's natural to enjoy sex and it's fun to look at other people enjoying it.
  • 1Corinthians13
    1Corinthians13 Posts: 5,296 Member
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    I struggled with that with my ex-husband. That's part of why the ex happened. He'd wait till I went to bed and would go online a look at those sites. It tore me up inside that he'd rather go online than come to me. I actually put on quite a bit of weight after that.

    Now i'm not saying leave him. The only reason I did was because he refused to change. I basically became a person to cook and clean for him. I decided I was better than that. Now i've found a husband who loves me for me.

    See, that's wrong. I think that when it ruins your relationship, when the guy is going to porn instead of you, that's definitely an issue. My bf only resorts to something like porn or the pics he took when I'm not available for sex. (Which honestly is...well...very VERY rarely)
  • 1Corinthians13
    1Corinthians13 Posts: 5,296 Member
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    I personally really enjoy watching adult films. That doesn't mean I expect my S/O to look/perform like the men in the films. If you have self-esteem issues, that is YOUR issue and something YOU have to deal with, and you would have them whether he was looking at naked pictures or not. That is YOU comparing yourself to those women.

    That said, it is IMO unacceptable to look at one's ex naked once you're with someone new. I really see that as the only issue here.

    If you have a problem with your SO viewing naked pictures, get a new SO. I see no reason why you should be able to control what he does in privacy as long as it's not bringing physical harm to anyone else. Plenty of people like looking at porn. I have a bachelor's degree and I'm starting my PhD soon. So am I acting like an animal because I enjoy looking at adult films? It's natural to enjoy sex and it's fun to look at other people enjoying it.

    Yay! You said what I've been trying to say but better!

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