Parents of teenage girls
Replies
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at 13!? OH HELLZ NO
I was a good kid at 13 and my parents knew it but they wouldnt even let me out completely unattended at that age.
I could walk to corner store by myself where I'd be expected to return back in 15-20 minutes, i could catch a bus alone and take the 20 minute ride to an aunt's house, but spending hours unsupervised all the way at the mall? :noway:0 -
It depends on who else is hanging out at your local mall! Thirty years ago when i was 13 it was mostly junior high school kids. But now adays our mall is literally packed with teens ages 13-19...some even older. I dont know if its the change in driver liscense requirements or the high unemployment rate but most dont have cars or money so they loiter for hours at the mall on friday and saturday nights. Our mall is the only one in the three surrounding counties and theres been alot of trouble there. Kids are kicked out on nightly basis and they've had to hire additional security..not to mention that the police are there frequently. Your daughter may be mature enough to handle herself but you never know about who she may be with. And cell phones dont always get good signals inside large shopping malls so if you do let her go you might want to do some test calls to make sure there wont be an issue.
I have a teenage daughter (19) plus three sons (24,15 and 3) so i know what it is like. When it comes to new experiences always base your decision on the responsibilty level your child displays at school and at home. Does she do her chores and take care of other duties when asked? Does she have good self esteem and the ability to make smart decisions regardless of friends pressures? Does she show repect for adults and authority figures who she may have to deal with in public? All of these things dictate whether a teen has earned the right to that additional independence.
Good luck and i hope things go well....
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When I was 13, my then-best friend was arrested for shoplifting. My dad got to the mall before her parents and my dad, her and I had to sit with the store employee and the police until her dad came for her. It wasn't one of my better moments.0
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Former 13-year old (Sorry, I know you asked for parents but I'm offering my mom's answer): She took me to the mall, and I got to hang out with whatever friend (or SO which it seems you're asking about), and she would do some shopping herself
Yep this is exactly what my mom did. And if i wanted to go with my friends to a movie she would bring us, see her own movie that started at about the same time, and then meet us after our respective movies ended.0 -
It's too bad that 24hour cable news has given people the idea that the world is just teeming with child molesters, kidnappers and perverts. Crime rates for all types of crimes are much lower than they were 30 years ago. Yes, we teach our kids to be aware of their surroundings and take precautions in public, but really, I don't think my local Macy's is a dangerous place.
well how about the local movie theater??
Would that kind of extreme situation have been any safer for teens there with their parents, vs teens there without?0 -
I just moved to a new town 2 years ago. We live across the street from a park. I see children as young as 7 playing over there, by themselves, with no adult in sight. I know their parents live "in the neighborhood," but I know where most of those parents live, and there's only one other family who can see the park from their house. The rest are all at least a block away. I think it's absolutely crazy, especially seeing what the kids get up to when their friends show up. They bust the padlock off the access panel in the picnic shelter, so they can open it and climb up inside the ceiling where all the electrical wiring is. They say AWFUL things to each other -- things that would have made me blush in my vulgar college days. They have pushing contests to try to knock each other off the curb and into the street, and they try to push each other off the top of the tall slide. Everybody thinks this town is so safe because it's a small town, and they tell me I'm over-protective because I won't let my 6-year-old go to the park with a friend and no adults. But with what I've seen, there's no way I'm doing that for many, MANY years. Especially since my children are the smallest in town for their ages, and my daughter is already being teased for her size. Why would I send her out on her own, when she's still not equipped to stand up to bullies that are twice her size? And if these things are happening with children as young as 7 and 8, what do you think teenagers are doing?
So to the OP: No, I don't think you're crazy. You're a parent. You do what makes you feel the safest. Keeping an eye on her isn't going to damage her, and it might end up saving her life or keeping her out of trouble. Go with your gut.0 -
I read this thread and just sit here and shake my head. All those damaged kids sitting in the basements playing on the PC interacting with other via an emotionless and sterile controlled and safe environment. Getting fat and lonely. I now know it is not their fault. If it is anyone’s fault I’d blame their parents for watching too much TV news.
How do kids learn to be safe? They practice!
How do kids learn judgement? They practice it!
How do kids learn about life? They experience it.
I was walking to my primary school aged 7 on my own
I was allowed to cycle the 12 miles to go fishing with my friends aged 11
I was allowed to catch public transport to my local town aged 12.
My daughter was allowed out of my sight for an hour or so aged 7
She was allowed to light camp fires and use a sharp knife aged 9.
She is allowed to go hang with her friends in town, or the local shopping centre, are their weird people there? Yes. Does she get scared? Occasionally. Does she have enough life experience, enough to cope with it, YES and YES.
Like adulthood there is no magic figure where the minute before they are kids and the next second they are adults, they have to learn bit by bit, experience by experience and mistake by mistake.
Let them learn, or they will never fit in, let them experience the freedom, that most of you had as kids. Or make them scared of life itself.
And before anyone dare to say that, it’s ok to say that until something bad happens. I’ve had my share of tragedy and loss. Friends killed, siblings killed. And I still feel the same way.
Life is to be experienced firsthand with all the sharp corners intact not wrapped in baby cotton and tied to mummy’s apron.0 -
My daughter is 14. Plenty of her friends have their parents drop them off and they're alone for hours. Mine has asked a couple of times pulling the "all the other mother's let their kids go to the mall alone".... which doesn't sway me a bit. Have no problem letting her go her own way with a friend in the mall and checking in with her from time to time, but going it alone at 14 not happening.0
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I read this thread and just sit here and shake my head. All those damaged kids sitting in the basements playing on the PC interacting with other via an emotionless and sterile controlled and safe environment. Getting fat and lonely. I now know it is not their fault. If it is anyone’s fault I’d blame their parents for watching too much TV news.
How do kids learn to be safe? They practice!
How do kids learn judgement? They practice it!
How do kids learn about life? They experience it.
I was walking to my primary school aged 7 on my own
I was allowed to cycle the 12 miles to go fishing with my friends aged 11
I was allowed to catch public transport to my local town aged 12.
My daughter was allowed out of my sight for an hour or so aged 7
She was allowed to light camp fires and use a sharp knife aged 9.
She is allowed to go hang with her friends in town, or the local shopping centre, are their weird people there? Yes. Does she get scared? Occasionally. Does she have enough life experience, enough to cope with it, YES and YES.
Like adulthood there is no magic figure where the minute before they are kids and the next second they are adults, they have to learn bit by bit, experience by experience and mistake by mistake.
Let them learn, or they will never fit in, let them experience the freedom, that most of you had as kids. Or make them scared of life itself.
And before anyone dare to say that, it’s ok to say that until something bad happens. I’ve had my share of tragedy and loss. Friends killed, siblings killed. And I still feel the same way.
Life is to be experienced firsthand with all the sharp corners intact not wrapped in baby cotton and tied to mummy’s apron.
Good for you that this works for you and your daughter. I use my judgement on what I think my daughter can handle. And at 14 years old I don't think she could have handled being alone in Woodbridge Center Mall during the recent shooting (5 miles from my home). I give my daughter enough space so she can grow into womanhood while still allowing her to be a KID. She's not damaged. She doesn't sit in the basement on her computer feeding her face with doritos. She's happy, has lots of friends and IS ALIVE!0 -
Good for you that this works for you and your daughter. I use my judgement on what I think my daughter can handle. And at 14 years old I don't think she could have handled being alone in Woodbridge Center Mall during the recent shooting (5 miles from my home). I give my daughter enough space so she can grow into womanhood while still allowing her to be a KID. She's not damaged. She doesn't sit in the basement on her computer feeding her face with doritos. She's happy, has lots of friends and IS ALIVE!
I was such a mall rat growing up and Woodbridge Center was our hang out of choice.0 -
Do not do it. I have two daughters that have never been mall rats and lived.
I have 4 boys, and NONE of them like mall rats.
They like those who have strong parents, very in tune with their lives. Those are the girls that grow up to be great women (and wives).0 -
I have 4 boys, and NONE of them like mall rats.
They like those who have strong parents, very in tune with their lives. Those are the girls that grow up to be great women (and wives).
My friends and I were mall rats and grew up just fine, one thing has nothing to do with the other.0 -
I love how parents who don't let their children go to the mall alone are suddenly labeled as the parents who keep their kids locked in the basement playing Xbox and eating Doritos.
You CAN be an involved parent without creating lazy children who don't know how to navigate the world. Involved is not the same thing as controlling. You can also send your kids out into the world before they're ready, and end up with a dependent child who can't function appropriately without guidance. It's not about this one decision. It's about all the child's experiences taken together as a whole.
Children can learn from experience, yes. But most often, they learn by example. It's a common fact in the education world that they will learn more from the people around them and from watching other people's behavior than they will learn from all your lectures and hopes for them. So if your child has awesome friends who always do the right thing, they're more likely to learn that behavior. But if they're hanging out with kids who don't do the right thing, or if they're at the mall watching older kids behave inappropriately, they're more likely to learn those behaviors instead. Is it foolproof? No, sometimes kids behave the "right" way just because it's part of who they are, and sometimes kids with all the best influences grow up to be criminals. But the simple act of letting them go to the mall without adults doesn't mean they'll be better equipped to handle the world than a child who is chaperoned. It doesn't make them more independent. It just gives them a different experience. Not better.0 -
I love how parents who don't let their children go to the mall alone are suddenly labeled as the parents who keep their kids locked in the basement playing Xbox and eating Doritos.
You CAN be an involved parent without creating lazy children who don't know how to navigate the world. Involved is not the same thing as controlling. You can also send your kids out into the world before they're ready, and end up with a dependent child who can't function appropriately without guidance. It's not about this one decision. It's about all the child's experiences taken together as a whole.
Children can learn from experience, yes. But most often, they learn by example. It's a common fact in the education world that they will learn more from the people around them and from watching other people's behavior than they will learn from all your lectures and hopes for them. So if your child has awesome friends who always do the right thing, they're more likely to learn that behavior. But if they're hanging out with kids who don't do the right thing, or if they're at the mall watching older kids behave inappropriately, they're more likely to learn those behaviors instead. Is it foolproof? No, sometimes kids behave the "right" way just because it's part of who they are, and sometimes kids with all the best influences grow up to be criminals. But the simple act of letting them go to the mall without adults doesn't mean they'll be better equipped to handle the world than a child who is chaperoned. It doesn't make them more independent. It just gives them a different experience. Not better.
As an educator I would say that actually people learn most from doing rather than watching or listening. I understand about being protective but I wonder about parents who won't let their kids go anywhere without direct supervison. What happens when these kids turn 18 and go to college in another city? What happens if you're out somewhere and unexpected things happen like getting lost or car trouble etc. Kids need to learn how to mange situations, like who can I trust and approach if things happen? Activities like going to the mall at an earlier age can be used as a stepping stone to being an adult.0 -
My oldest daughter is 14 (15 in Oct) and she only just went to the mall for the first time with friends/without me a couple of months ago. She asked when she was 13 and I wouldn't let her. I agree it depends on the kid and the friends she is meeting.
when I did let her go I took her there, walked her inside the mall, made sure she met up with her friends and gave her a definite time I'd pick her up INSIDE the mall at the same spot we met her friends. She had her cell phone so we could contact her or she could call us if need be. My big thing was that she was NOT allowed OUTSIDE the mall for any reason even for a second. My daughter at 14 is very responsible (been getting up with me to work out at 5 am this summer, no complaints) so I let her go and I know her friends really well but it was still very hard to let her go. I've been working this year on letting her have more freedom and if you knew me you'd understand what a nearly unsurmountable feat it's been to loosen the reins even a little. I have 2 other younger daughters as well that are also very responsible but I still would not let them go at their ages (11&12)0 -
I love how parents who don't let their children go to the mall alone are suddenly labeled as the parents who keep their kids locked in the basement playing Xbox and eating Doritos.
You CAN be an involved parent without creating lazy children who don't know how to navigate the world. Involved is not the same thing as controlling. You can also send your kids out into the world before they're ready, and end up with a dependent child who can't function appropriately without guidance. It's not about this one decision. It's about all the child's experiences taken together as a whole.
Children can learn from experience, yes. But most often, they learn by example. It's a common fact in the education world that they will learn more from the people around them and from watching other people's behavior than they will learn from all your lectures and hopes for them. So if your child has awesome friends who always do the right thing, they're more likely to learn that behavior. But if they're hanging out with kids who don't do the right thing, or if they're at the mall watching older kids behave inappropriately, they're more likely to learn those behaviors instead. Is it foolproof? No, sometimes kids behave the "right" way just because it's part of who they are, and sometimes kids with all the best influences grow up to be criminals. But the simple act of letting them go to the mall without adults doesn't mean they'll be better equipped to handle the world than a child who is chaperoned. It doesn't make them more independent. It just gives them a different experience. Not better.
As an educator I would say that actually people learn most from doing rather than watching or listening. I understand about being protective but I wonder about parents who won't let their kids go anywhere without direct supervison. What happens when these kids turn 18 and go to college in another city? What happens if you're out somewhere and unexpected things happen like getting lost or car trouble etc. Kids need to learn how to mange situations, like who can I trust and approach if things happen? Activities like going to the mall at an earlier age can be used as a stepping stone to being an adult.
I wasn't allowed to go anywhere except school events without my parents until I was 17 and had my driver's license. I learned to navigate the world just fine. Because they still gave me the experience of going out with my friends, so I got the experience of "doing" with them there to guide me into making good choices. And I went to college far from home, and I didn't go home every weekend, and I did just fine on my own. I got a job, I knew what to do when I had a car accident, I knew who I could talk to when I had difficulties in my major program, and I even knew how to find a counselor when the depression that had plagued me for my whole life finally caught up with me. I knew how to find a doctor that was local to me, I knew how to find affordable birth control, I knew how to get my car repaired when it needed it, and I did all these things without having to ask my mommy, even though I hadn't had to do them when I lived at home. You don't have to toss the baby bird out of the nest before she's able to fly -- she'll still learn to fly if you teach her yourself, and let her try it with you there by her side.0 -
It depends on who else is hanging out at your local mall! Thirty years ago when i was 13 it was mostly junior high school kids. But now adays our mall is literally packed with teens ages 13-19...some even older. I dont know if its the change in driver liscense requirements or the high unemployment rate but most dont have cars or money so they loiter for hours at the mall on friday and saturday nights. Our mall is the only one in the three surrounding counties and theres been alot of trouble there. Kids are kicked out on nightly basis and they've had to hire additional security..not to mention that the police are there frequently. Your daughter may be mature enough to handle herself but you never know about who she may be with. And cell phones dont always get good signals inside large shopping malls so if you do let her go you might want to do some test calls to make sure there wont be an issue.
I have a teenage daughter (19) plus three sons (24,15 and 3) so i know what it is like. When it comes to new experiences always base your decision on the responsibilty level your child displays at school and at home. Does she do her chores and take care of other duties when asked? Does she have good self esteem and the ability to make smart decisions regardless of friends pressures? Does she show repect for adults and authority figures who she may have to deal with in public? All of these things dictate whether a teen has earned the right to that additional independence.
Good luck and i hope things go well....
I love this!!0 -
I have a 13 year old daughter who is very mature for her age. That being said, going to the mall alone is not allowed. I don't even let her go off without me. And as a side note, as a mall shopper, nothing pi$$es me off more than a group of unsupervised twits running around. I'm sure their parents think they are well-behaved as well.0
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I spent 5 years in NYC and I've seen many an adolescent out and about in the subways and so on alone and with their friends. If a 13 year old can survive a NYC subway without being kidnapped, I think your kid would be safe at a mall with her friends if she's a reasonably smart kid, at least. I even remember a journalist who did a story about letting her 12 or 13 year old son use the subway on his own, and how giving kids their independence was an important part of growing up. She got a lot of slack and hate mail for it.
Anyway, I can totally understand a parents apprehension, however, raising your kid to be afraid of the world isn't healthy. My mom did that and I ended up being agoraphobic for several years. Just make sure your kid is educated on what to do if danger strikes and if you're dropping off and picking up, there should be no problem.0 -
I started walking to the local grocery store that was in the local mall when I was about 8. Hah. My parents were fine with that.0
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When I was 13 I spent the summer babysitting my 6 year old brother. We biked to the bowling alley daily, the ice cream parlor frequently, the grocery store occasionally. I went to a movie by myself at 13 (not with friends, by myself). It was Gone With the Wind (I had just read the book) and I brought the average age in the theatre down by at least 10 years. Things aren't that much more dangerous now then they were in the '90s. We just feel like they are because of 24 hour news sensationalism.
That said I think parents should do what they are comfortable with. Trust your instincts.0
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