Divorced Women keeping the "ex" last name

BADGIRLstl

From the 3rd wife's POV: I hate it that my husband's first two wives still have his last name. And his name is long and no one ever understands it. I get it when the kids are in school, but they are out of college in the first case, and in the case of the second wife, she remarried, but after divorcing, went back to my husband's name! So I kept my own name when we got married, which he doesn't like, but I feel less like the 3rd.

Didn't think of it like this. Thanks for this point.

cestlafete

I said this in another thread and I think it bears repeating.

When it comes to keeping the name 'for the children', you have to tread lightly. If they're really young, it might be better to swap names, especially if dad is not in their lives (for whatever reason). In my case, my mother kept my father's name so we would share it, however when she had another kid with someone different, who immediately denied parentage (and was proven to be the father), she did not want to give him a different name than us, especially considering his father's absence. It ended up being quite a point of contention between my father's family and my mother, as they are all very proud of their family lineage, and my brother is unrelated to them. My father in particular was not happy that another child was running around with his name that wasn't his.

My mother and brother both nearly changed their names to my grandfather's name (mom's maiden name), however it was deemed to be too costly for them to go through with it. My brother certainly doesn't mind, but it lead to a lot of awkward moments over the years.

I get that the name in this situation originated with this family, but I doubt you'll ever find a last name that isn't shared by many people you're not related to. Are none of those people entitled to that name?

I have an extremely rare last name. In fact, I am the only person in the city where I live to have this last name. When I lived in Buffalo, a much bigger area, there were two families with this last name, not related. But as rare as my last name is, there are MANY people (I've come across a few) who share it but are not related to me in any way.

One is a best-selling author, though, so that's kinda cool.

It's not possessive of the name so much as the lineage. They're Italian and proud, it's hard to explain it any other way. The name itself is very unusual, and I'm fairly certain that our family is the only existence of it in our state. It's unusual enough that my mother and brother got 'collected' by a guy on Facebook who was trying to corral all of 'us' together (though he never tried to collect me, the only one who 'rightfully' had the name). Honestly, I have never run into anyone with my name, or with a derivative, so I can understand my father's family's stance to some degree. (For the record, we're spread along the mid-Atlantic states and New York, with a few spots in Ohio and Florida. Big family, I'm the only single child in 4 generations, everyone else is one of 3 at a minimum.)

The main point was that within the state (and general area, as my father and mother live roughly 45 minutes from each other and are each near one of the major cities in our state), it is easily assumed that everyone sharing my name is related. The fact that my parents split on not-so-great terms didn't help matters, but it was the fact that some child who was not his had his name, and because he HAD been married to my mother and HAD fathered me, it would be assumed that this kid wasn't his.

In the end, it's just very prone to misunderstanding. My brother didn't understand why we all shared the name of a man who came to pick me up and not him, people who meet us assume we share a father, assume that my parents are still married, etc. Assumptions tend to be made more than truth sought, and if someone were to hear that my brother's father is not in his life, refuses to acknowledge him, etc. and it was assumed that my father was the one at fault, it would hurt his reputation.

supertracylynn

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name...That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet..."

irishbunnylover

I know alot of women who have had kids with there ex decide not to change there last name because they want to have the same last name as their kids. I personally changed my last name back to my maiden name becuase I know longer wanted to have that connection with my ex.

THANK YOU!

harrietlg

my trainer kept her horrible ex's last name because she's slovakian and being a trainer she needs a name people can pronounce.

AntShanny

When I got divorced I couldn't wait to go back to my maiden name! I guess if we had kids it would have been different, I can understand keeping the name for them...but if there are no kids then why would the heck would you want to keep his name?!?

frenchie2727

I have a very traditional boyfriend-when we started dating I was divorced and had my ex's name for my daughter. My BF was really weird/uncomfortable about my name, like if he ever had to write my name he'd leave off the last name. He didn't think it was disrespectful to him that I had it, it just weirded him out. My ex spiraled out of control after we got divorced and got into some things I wanted to have no part in having my name associated with. So I changed my name AND my daughter's last name to my maiden name. It cost about $400 with no lawyer, took me about a year (I tried to get it changed before she started kindergarten, it ended up taking until she was about halfway done with kindergarten). It was very stressful trying to get all of the proper docs with no lawyer but it wasn't a big deal to change her name with her school, doctors, etc. My name was harder because of the quantity of things I had my name on. A lot of vendors I called to tell about the name change said, "Congratulations on your marriage" which was a little awkward!

Now here I am almost 6 years later with the talk of marriage coming up with my BF (same guy). I used to always say I wouldn't change my maiden name to his last name because of all I went through to change my last name just to make sure it matched my daughter's. Now I say I'll use my maiden name as my middle name and take his last name and go by all 3 names instead of hyphenating. Further, my ex-husband agreed to terminate his parental rights in exchange for forgiveness of $40k in child support arrears (what a guy, huh?). The state of FL requires that you're married first with a step-parent willing to step in to adopt before the other parent can terminate their rights so the child isn't "bastardized". My BF wants to adopt my daughter, we're just not ready to get married quite yet. We see it as getting married before you're ready just because you're pregnant, lol. We decided to let my daughter decide when the time comes what she wants to do about her name.

feb06momma

I kept it for my daughter. period.

^this

Yep! This. And its a hassle, and if I ever get married again, I would possibly take his name so I'd have to go through all that again.

inverseofmissy

I kept my ex-husband's last name when we divorced and it drives my fiance now crazy. I also told him I want to KEEP my ex's name and hyphenate it with fiance's last name when we get married and that really makes him mad. I can kind of see why he would feel that way but I've explained my reasoning repeatedly and it has nothing to do with not being over the ex! He doesn't own me- the name shouldn't matter IMO. The reason I've kept the name, and will keep it if/when we get married is that I have 2 children from my previous marriage who have that last name. I was already dating my fiance by the time my divorce was being finalized but that's got nothing to do with my decision about the name- I did not want my children to feel like outsiders in any way if I had a different last name than them (whether it was due to the divorce or a future marriage). So I fully intend to ALWAYS keep my children's last name- my ex isn't even in the picture anymore and doesn't see our kids so it's more like a coincidence he has the same name at this point, it's all about the kids. I flat out told the fiance if he's so against me hyphenating the names (which I think makes perfect sense now that he and I also have a child with his last name) then we just won't get married.

BADGIRLstl

What I don't understand is when you get a divorce. That is the END ALL. That should be the bottom line IMO.

Carlyannabelle

I am keeping his lastname soley because it is my children's lastname and I want it to be the same as theirs. If I ever remarry I would take the lastname of my new husband. Not keep the ex's.

rhonniema

If you have kids, it would just be easier to keep the name.

If it were me quite frankly, it's too much paper work to go through to change the name again, I'd just keep it.

AdAstra47

I never changed my name when I got married. :noway: Still have my maiden name and I dont' see why I need to change it, its been ten years so it ain't gonna happen. I am not chattel, I am not 'his' in that sense. I am still ME. If he didn't like it he didn't have to marry me.

So bollox to tradition. :laugh:

Totally agree! Way to stand up for yourself!
If a woman wants to take her husband's name, fine, but the man shouldn't expect it or be offended if you don't take his name. Some of my friends have hyphenated their last names, others have created a new last name out of pieces of their old one, I think each couple needs to work it out in their own way and it's nobody else's business but theirs.

alarae

Keep it for the kids.

MsDivineM

I would keep his last name only cuz that's the last name my kids have!

Michelle_Nicole

My parents divorced about 3-4 yers ago and my mom kept my dad's last name. She wont change it back because A) my two younger brothers and myself have my fathers name and she didnt want the confusion having different names and she has had that name for 23 years, dispite the insane amount of time and money it takes to change your name why change it. She is getting remarried in November and when she does she will take her new husbands name. Nothing disrespectful about it

dodihere

From the 3rd wife's POV: I hate it that my husband's first two wives still have his last name. And his name is long and no one ever understands it. I get it when the kids are in school, but they are out of college in the first case, and in the case of the second wife, she remarried, but after divorcing, went back to my husband's name! So I kept my own name when we got married, which he doesn't like, but I feel less like the 3rd.

My husbands first wife kept his name too and they don't have any kids. I just don't understand that. I couldn't wait to get rid of my first husbands name.

MsTanya77

I believe a woman has the right to keep her ex-husband's last name esp if there are children involved. She earned that right. Why should she have to go back to her maiden name to please anyone? If she marries again, the last name is going to change again anyway. Some women choose to go back to their maiden name, just to signify that the marriage is indeed over, but it should never be a requirement, nor should someone demand that of the person they are with. That is just insecurity. Having their ex's last name doesn't mean they are going to get back together or that there are still feelings there. Name change or not the fact remains, that there is an EX.

_Wits_

I didn't read the rest but just feel like voicing my thoughts..

I legally changed my name..it's mine now too. And if I have kids...it's theirs as well so no, I would not change my name back and if a guy had an issue with that, he can walk. If I got remarried, I very well would want to hyphenate my name for my kids. At the end of the day...it's a name.

If I didn't have kids and my ex was an ahole....that would be the only reason I'd bother changing back to my maiden name.

oregonzoo

When we divorced my children were very young. I am young myself and knew I may remarry.
So while the kids are so young, and until I remarry I will keep his name.

I believe it makes more sense to the kids.
But if he he asked me to change it, I would. I don't feel it's disrespectful just pragmatic.