Men, would you let your wife be a surrogate mother?

rocksyraeis

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like

Carrying a child isn't exactly on par with people not letting their partners go out with friends or something.

Im JUST gonna throw this out there i ask my finace before i do something that i believe will effect us both in ANYway that includes going to dinner, picking curtains, and carrying someone elses child. He extends to me the same curtiousy, a relationship isnt a power struggle its about sharing your life with another person. Being entangled with another being should make it hard to see outside of yourself, its about compromise and living life FOR and WITH eachother...my opinion.

carriempls

Married or not my man doesn’t “let” me do anything anymore than I “let” him do anything.

That said, becoming pregnant is a big decision that affects both people in a relationship, so we’d talk about it and come to a decision together. That’s what being in a partnership/marriage is about.

rocksyraeis

Married or not my man doesn’t “let” me do anything anymore than I “let” him do anything.

That said, becoming pregnant is a big decision that affects both people in a relationship, so we’d talk about it and come to a decision together. That’s what being in a partnership/marriage is about.

-highfives- you and me against the world sexy! :flowerforyou:

ironanimal

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like

Carrying a child isn't exactly on par with people not letting their partners go out with friends or something.

Im JUST gonna throw this out there i ask my finace before i do something that i believe will effect us both in ANYway that includes going to dinner, picking curtains, and carrying someone elses child. He extends to me the same curtiousy, a relationship isnt a power struggle its about sharing your life with another person. Being entangled with another being should make it hard to see outside of yourself, its about compromise and living life FOR and WITH eachother...my opinion.

Agree completely. Seems a lot of women here feel they can do whatever they like with no regard for their partner, though.

daffodilsoup

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like

Carrying a child isn't exactly on par with people not letting their partners go out with friends or something.

Im JUST gonna throw this out there i ask my finace before i do something that i believe will effect us both in ANYway that includes going to dinner, picking curtains, and carrying someone elses child. He extends to me the same curtiousy, a relationship isnt a power struggle its about sharing your life with another person. Being entangled with another being should make it hard to see outside of yourself, its about compromise and living life FOR and WITH eachother...my opinion.

Agree completely. Seems a lot of women here feel they can do whatever they like with no regard for their partner, though.

A discussion and good communication about it would be important, but ultimately it would come down to the decision of that particular person. I would say the exact same thing if the tables were turned.

ETA: I think it's the use of the word "let" that has drawn a reaction like this. It's degrading on either side, whether it's a husband or wife. I don't "let" my dog on the couch. I think if the title had been "would you be comfortable with your wife becoming a surrogate mother", responses might be different.

ashblonde1

Ooh I think this thread has touched a few raw nerves.

I can totally understand how women (and men) who cannot have children feel about this... it is devestating being told that you cannot have children, even if you did not want to have them. As a result, I can understand that if for some reason, you have had the opportunity to have children taken away from you, you may wish to have them by some other means.

If your friend geniunely wants to help this person out by giving them the opporunity to have a child then I think that her husband should support her in that. I understand that it is a big decision, and that it affects the whole family unit, but I can guarantee that for the couple you are acting as a surrogate for, there can be no bigger gift.

I personally would do it, if I was able and knew someone who needed it for the simple reason that if I were in the same situation, I would want someone to do that for me.

If her OH won't support her after explaining all the reasons why she wants to do it, then he must have some kind of emotional reason for it and might need counselling to sort out his issues with himself. I do not believe in today's modern society, a man could really be upset because you are carrying another man's child (not by sleeping with him but by insemination)... that is ridiculous.

Wish your friend all the best, I have nothing but respect for her and her willingness to be a good person.

rocksyraeis

That sounds like a dysfunctional relationship, if my husband didn't 'let' me do something, I would be gone, marriage is a partnership, it involves compromise, not commands. Thankfully I married someone who believes that too.
sounds like

Carrying a child isn't exactly on par with people not letting their partners go out with friends or something.

Im JUST gonna throw this out there i ask my finace before i do something that i believe will effect us both in ANYway that includes going to dinner, picking curtains, and carrying someone elses child. He extends to me the same curtiousy, a relationship isnt a power struggle its about sharing your life with another person. Being entangled with another being should make it hard to see outside of yourself, its about compromise and living life FOR and WITH eachother...my opinion.

Agree completely. Seems a lot of women here feel they can do whatever they like with no regard for their partner, though.

A discussion and good communication about it would be important, but ultimately it would come down to the decision of that particular person. I would say the exact same thing if the tables were turned.

ETA: I think it's the use of the word "let" that has drawn a reaction like this. It's degrading on either side, whether it's a husband or wife. I don't "let" my dog on the couch. I think if the title had been "would you be comfortable with your wife becoming a surrogate mother", responses might be different.

I agree OP called all the strong females into an uproar with that one! I was waiting for the feminists brigade to castrate him (im joking of course). Had it been worded differently the board probably would have been a reasonable discussion instead of a heated "hate your husband" debate system haha

ironanimal

Agree completely. Seems a lot of women here feel they can do whatever they like with no regard for their partner, though.

A discussion and good communication about it would be important, but ultimately it would come down to the decision of that particular person. I would say the exact same thing if the tables were turned.

ETA: I think it's the use of the word "let" that has drawn a reaction like this. It's degrading on either side, whether it's a husband or wife. I don't let my dog on the couch, I don't "let" my boyfriend do things. I think if the title had been "would you be comfortable with your wife becoming a surrogate mother", responses might be different.

It may be the decision of that particular person, but becoming pregnant with another persons' child, without my consent, regardless of situation for me would constitute grounds for divorce as a massive, degrading breach of trust and respect.

Such a situation is unlikely to arise in my lifetime as my partner doesn't have any sisters or close cousins and like myself believes there is always the option of adoption if someone is unable to conceive.

I agree the wording was wrong. We don't prohibit eachother from doing anything, but there are things we disapprove of the other doing, and things we don't do out of respect for eachother.

If her OH won't support her after explaining all the reasons why she wants to do it, then he must have some kind of emotional reason for it and might need counselling to sort out his issues with himself. I do not believe in today's modern society, a man could really be upset because you are carrying another man's child (not by sleeping with him but by insemination)... that is ridiculous.

This is very shortsighted, IMO. There is always a risk of complications in a pregnancy that may have long term consequences for both the woman carrying and her partner, whether or not the baby is 'theirs'. The months of reduced mobility and increased expense, increased workload for the partner when the pregnant woman is unable to carry on as normal, long term damage to her body as well as the (admittedly minor) risk of damage to her reproductive system that could reduce her chances of becoming pregnant and successfully carrying her own child are all very valid concerns.

Coupled with the fact that the man may not have any particular attachment or even fondness to the couple his partner is carrying for, and you can see why a partner may object.

rocksyraeis

Ooh I think this thread has touched a few raw nerves.

I can totally understand how women (and men) who cannot have children feel about this... it is devestating being told that you cannot have children, even if you did not want to have them. As a result, I can understand that if for some reason, you have had the opportunity to have children taken away from you, you may wish to have them by some other means.

If your friend geniunely wants to help this person out by giving them the opporunity to have a child then I think that her husband should support her in that. I understand that it is a big decision, and that it affects the whole family unit, but I can guarantee that for the couple you are acting as a surrogate for, there can be no bigger gift.

I personally would do it, if I was able and knew someone who needed it for the simple reason that if I were in the same situation, I would want someone to do that for me.

If her OH won't support her after explaining all the reasons why she wants to do it, then he must have some kind of emotional reason for it and might need counselling to sort out his issues with himself. I do not believe in today's modern society, a man could really be upset because you are carrying another man's child (not by sleeping with him but by insemination)... that is ridiculous.

Wish your friend all the best, I have nothing but respect for her and her willingness to be a good person.

:flowerforyou:

daffodilsoup

Agree completely. Seems a lot of women here feel they can do whatever they like with no regard for their partner, though.

A discussion and good communication about it would be important, but ultimately it would come down to the decision of that particular person. I would say the exact same thing if the tables were turned.

ETA: I think it's the use of the word "let" that has drawn a reaction like this. It's degrading on either side, whether it's a husband or wife. I don't let my dog on the couch, I don't "let" my boyfriend do things. I think if the title had been "would you be comfortable with your wife becoming a surrogate mother", responses might be different.

It may be the decision of that particular person, but becoming pregnant with another persons' child, without my consent, regardless of situation for me would constitute grounds for divorce as a massive, degrading breach of trust and respect.

Such a situation is unlikely to arise in my lifetime as my partner doesn't have any sisters or close cousins and like myself believes there is always the option of adoption if someone is unable to conceive.

I agree the wording was wrong. We don't prohibit eachother from doing anything, but there are things we disapprove of the other doing, and things we don't do out of respect for eachother.

I definitely hear you on that - but I guess that's what makes different couples good for one another. My man and I are very independent about our own bodies - we talk about it and everything, but we are in agreement that it ultimately comes down to the person, and not all couples are like that. And that's okay - different strokes for different folks and such.

Akimajuktuq

Lone_Wolf70: I think you need to look up IVF.....they are not creating a baby from thin air you moron! Its the same exact thing as conceiving "naturally" except for where it happens.

Reported

I'm glad you reported that; it gets me very annoyed when people stoop to that level just because they disagree with a view-point.

After reading these posts and thinking about it, I have to agree that surrogacy isn't natural or ideal. I can respect that other people's decision to do it though. I also have to agree that adopting is a better option, and far more noble. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to adopt a new-born baby; lots of hoops and sometimes expensive and heart-breaking (the mother can change her mind).

However, there are lots of older children in the foster system that are relatively easy to adopt, but perhaps it can be loosely compared to adopting a puppy; older children aren't as "cute" and may have behavioural problems (not that it's their fault!). I wish more people would consider giving those children a chance. Speaking from experience, my step-father was the greatest blessing in my life. I didn't start living with him until I was 14 and I was a complete nightmare from the experience of living with my father and his second wife, but he took me under his wing, treated me with love and respect and we had a wonderful relationship. Not totally the same, but a person CAN love a child that isn't biologically their own, and thank god that a few of us messed up kids get blessed with someone like that.

Why on earth did you report that? It's the truth! You're just implanting an egg into a uterus. It's completely natural except for the "host" of the fetus isn't the "real" mother.

And Adoption isn't always the greatest thing. I know of TWO people who have adopted kids who were not baies when they were taken in and they are so screwed up it was ridiculous! you don't know what you are getting with older kids. One of the people I know is at wits end with his eldest adopted kid. Military school and a school where the child would get constant counseling is too expensive (military school is twenty grand a year. The other is seventy five!) he is close to just giving the kid back because he can't handle it.

Are you ready to handle a child whose mom was a crack *kitten* and wHo was left alone since they were two and the only thing they understand is know to fend for themselves? Are you prepared to put up with the lying and stealing of said child because they were self sufficient for so long, because their brains missed the important cognizant development that a child that age goes through that they now have of concept of right or wrong? If you think I am spewing a load of **** then go talk to my neighbor who had to give up his niece because of that. Or the other two people I know wo are in similar situations.

There is a reason people want babies when they adopt. It's not the age that makes older kids undesireable it's the baggage and the uncertainty of what you are going to get.

I didn't do the reporting... and did you even read my post before you got all aggressive on me? I'm a success story of one messed up kid who was given a chance. It's obvious that I'm not unaware of the challenges of adopting a "broken" child. Thank goodness that there are tougher people than you out there, and I know of some. I have a great uncle and aunt who raised mentally handicapped child after child until they were too old to do it. They kept all of those children out of institutions and even helped them to live much longer than anyone thought possible. Was it hard? Yes. Is it for everyone? No. Were they blessed by their choice? Yes.

But anyone who thinks that there aren't VERY difficult things to deal with when adopting a baby or raising our own; well, I can tell you differently. Kids are hard, period.

CanadianThunder

I'd love to be able to do that for someone. I think it's such a selfless act. But granted, if my man wasn't on board with me, I wouldn't do it.

Serenstar75

If being a surrogate is that important to a woman and her husband doesn't want to "allow" her, then ultimately the relationship is going to fail because the priorities aren't the same. It's not quite the same as a man impregnating another woman, but ultimately if he wanted to get a vasectomy, it should be his decision and no one else's.

I agree to an extent. My only point is that in a good relationship, both should work toward an agreement. I find that often women hold a double standard to men where they use sex and there bodies against their husbands and think that's fine but when the men do it, they are the devil.

Yeah, in this case, surrogacy has nothing to do with sex, but with medical procedures that allow you to be a carrying device for a child made of someone else's DNA. So the example someone used of a guy impregnating another woman was way off.

oregonzoo

LMAO!

Huskeryogi

Lone_Wolf70: I think you need to look up IVF.....they are not creating a baby from thin air you moron! Its the same exact thing as conceiving "naturally" except for where it happens.

Reported

I'm glad you reported that; it gets me very annoyed when people stoop to that level just because they disagree with a view-point.

After reading these posts and thinking about it, I have to agree that surrogacy isn't natural or ideal. I can respect that other people's decision to do it though. I also have to agree that adopting is a better option, and far more noble. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to adopt a new-born baby; lots of hoops and sometimes expensive and heart-breaking (the mother can change her mind).

However, there are lots of older children in the foster system that are relatively easy to adopt, but perhaps it can be loosely compared to adopting a puppy; older children aren't as "cute" and may have behavioural problems (not that it's their fault!). I wish more people would consider giving those children a chance. Speaking from experience, my step-father was the greatest blessing in my life. I didn't start living with him until I was 14 and I was a complete nightmare from the experience of living with my father and his second wife, but he took me under his wing, treated me with love and respect and we had a wonderful relationship. Not totally the same, but a person CAN love a child that isn't biologically their own, and thank god that a few of us messed up kids get blessed with someone like that.

Do you know what the failure rate is on adoptions of older children? It's 23%. I'm totally impressed by people who do and would never want to discourage someone from doing it, but to act like it's the same as the difference between adopting a puppy and an older dog is ludicris.

I'm not trying to be ludicrous at all. There shouldn't be a "failure" rate on adoption; it's called a lifelong COMMITMENT, imo. No, it's not the same as a puppy and I knew someone would be all freaked out over that, so I should have put it differently. So, does everyone think they are going to be able to avoid all these difficult things when they raise their own children from the start??? I can tell you, with experience, that it just ain't so.

Older children being adopted have baggage that not all families are prepared to deal with. It is different when the child has been in your care since birth. Like I said before I applaud anyone who has adopted. I think it's an amazing gift. In a perfect world there wouldn't be a failure rate on adoptions, but we don't live in a perfect world. I try not to judge people until I've walked in their shoes.

http://moms.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/07/06/12600563-it-takes-more-than-love-what-happens-when-adoption-fails?lite

joelack

Passing through the internet and coming across this topic, I decided to make a temporary account to post my thoughts....

This just goes to show that a female body is just a tool for making babies, with psychological disregards of who they make it with even if it were for another stranger, (I don't care if you say it's for a sister, brother, friend, that's just preference).

My theory is that most females are obsessed with the desire of getting pregnant almost as much as most males are to the act of sex, to procreate. With medical technologies we have nowadays, it pretty much twisted that concept and logic.

I don't have a wife, but I don't find it Rewarding to have my wife or girlfriend be exploited to be used for making another man's child when she could be making our child instead, which was what you're both originally intended to share. If my wife is unable to carry a child then we'll just go with adoption no matter the difficulty. I don't even mind adopting a son that's well into his adult age looking for a family. This scientific logic of implanting a couples egg & sperm in another female womb is very strange after having me read about surrogacy recently. It's funny I still remembered I used to ask my parents, where does babies come from?

I don't know, maybe people are really bored and want to try something new and odd to their own bodies and everyone around them as time progresses, nothing that I can do about it.

TheRoadDog

I don't "let" my wife do anything, but knowing her and knowing myself, I don't see how we could not be involved in the life of a child we had anything to do with the creation of.

I don't "speak" for her either, so I guess I should amend that to how I feel. I know her pretty well though.

iLoveMyPitbull1225

If I wanted to do something for the right reasons, i.e. being a surrogate mother for someone who could not have children, I think that I would do that. whether or not my S.O. wanted me to. I cant honestly think of a good reason that he would object to such a selfless act. The gift of motherhood is not one that everyone is so lucky as to have, and if I could help someone have that, I would.

I didnt read all of the comments, but I did see that some people commented about exploitation of the female body? I believe you are thinking way too far into this, and being a bit silly. Thats like saying sperm banks are expoliting the male reproductive system. Try to think about what a woman must feel like when they are not able to have children. It is our nature, our instinct. I do not have children yet, but I absolutely want to someday. If it turned out that I couldnt, I would be devastated, and if surrogacy would give me a baby, show me where to sign up.

Lifting_Knitter

As a couple we would have to decide. what would be more important? Having a baby for nine months then giving it up or your marriage at is suppose to last a lifetime.

It would probably be a no for me, my marriage is too important.

katy_trail

yes he would