Why are people on these forums so mean?

foxyforce

Egghead here: the term is disinhibition effect. (Not exactly about meanness, but the tendency to say and share more than you actually would otherwise.)

To OP: Surround yourself on your friends list with people who are kind and try to be kind yourself. :flowerforyou: The forums should be fun for you or at least not a chore or overly hurtful. You are who you are, and you may take things more seriously than other people or be more sensitive (a neutral term, not a judgey one) than others, and that's not a bad thing. When it crosses the line from not fun and supportive into hurt or bad feelings that won't go away quickly, start using the ignore button, take a forum break, or post a vent in your feed and get some love. I always end up feeling ashamed of myself when I lose my temper and wish I had just ignored and moved on once it goes from assertiveness to crankiness or meanness. When you do find yourself in a misunderstanding, if the person is receptive, you can even work it out. That's happened here a few times with me and someone else, and I always end up feeling pleasantly surprised and relieved.

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ZugTheMegasaurus

I think a major difficulty online is that people read tones of voice into posts, when that tone isn't necessarily intended. Or they read double meanings and snide intentions.

I notice this a lot because I don't read posts this way - my mind doesn't work like that. I simply read a post factually, at face value. Even if someone calls me something negative, I'll simply try to analyse why they've called me that, rather than take it personally. Most people aren't like me, at least not to that extent, but in general, I find people vary quite a lot in the extent to which they read hidden meaning and tone into something. There's often a difference between males and females in this area too. So plenty of opportunity for miscommunication and offence.

This is a big part of it. I'm like you and don't read anything other than what's written; I have a lifelong reputation as something of a robot. I can't accurately understand tone that's intentional in face-to-face conversation, let alone invent it for a paragraph written by a stranger.

I've seen so many posts that are just completely baffling to me. People find all this hidden meaning for the sole purpose of making themselves feel bad. Isn't that exhausting and unpleasant? Why the hell would anyone do that to themselves? It's caused problems for me that I often can't tell that someone is attempting to insult me through tone, but probably not nearly as much as someone who sees personal attacks around every corner.

skonly

I think a major difficulty online is that people read tones of voice into posts, when that tone isn't necessarily intended. Or they read double meanings and snide intentions.

I notice this a lot because I don't read posts this way - my mind doesn't work like that. I simply read a post factually, at face value. Even if someone calls me something negative, I'll simply try to analyse why they've called me that, rather than take it personally. Most people aren't like me, at least not to that extent, but in general, I find people vary quite a lot in the extent to which they read hidden meaning and tone into something. There's often a difference between males and females in this area too. So plenty of opportunity for miscommunication and offence.

This is a big part of it. I'm like you and don't read anything other than what's written; I have a lifelong reputation as something of a robot. I can't accurately understand tone that's intentional in face-to-face conversation, let alone invent it for a paragraph written by a stranger.

I've seen so many posts that are just completely baffling to me. People find all this hidden meaning for the sole purpose of making themselves feel bad. Isn't that exhausting and unpleasant? Why the hell would anyone do that to themselves? It's caused problems for me that I often can't tell that someone is attempting to insult me through tone, but probably not nearly as much as someone who sees personal attacks around every corner.

Some people send messages to others and are very rude and hateful. I think that is where the personal attacks come in. There are two names that keep coming up from several friends of mine who have received messages that were uncalled for. How sad that one had to deactivate an account and make a new one.

These same two people just can't leave anyone alone. I have ignored them both so I no longer have to see it. They tell people they know more than doctors and nutritionists. Yes, they say that. One has gone as far as saying degrees mean nothing and she knows more than any doctors out there.

I consider that to be mean and not just giving an opinion.

The best thing to do is just ignore someone who bothers you. I would never get off medications or change the treatment of any disease based on what someone on a forum said. Yet there are many who insist they know everything and just won't leave a person alone.

Find the supportive people and ignore the rest. The mean ones just want attention. I try to keep negative people out of my real life and I'm not going to let forum people bother me.

AlphamaleBAMF

We need Major Wadcock in here giving advice IMO

http://youtu.be/OJ5gAbXOOdQ

monicalosesweight

Noob starts a topic. People respond. They get some good advice, and some crappy advice. People with good advice call out the crappy advice for the crap it is, and the Noob thinks that the people with the good advice are slamming him/her or thinks this place is hostile because there was bickering disagreement. Even though that bickering had nothing at all to do with the Noob.

I think part of the problem is that people don't know how to discuss things civilly. For example, a person posts advice and someone doesn't like it. Instead of just saying something nice like "I disagree and have found some other things that work for me. Here's what I think helped me drop weight..." At that point, they should be telling the person who posted the question their advice and posting their links and suggestions which is what the questioner needed. Instead, you end up with 3 or 4 people who attack the one person's advice in a mean and nasty way and they never even bother to offer advice either. This defeated the purpose of the question which was asked and the topic becomes null. It becomes a "tear down that person's advice column" which is self-defeating. Honestly, if a person disagrees...I believe they should offer their own advice but they don't need to shred the people posting in the column. There's no need to attack someone with "I need a formal MLA 100 page paper with proper citations". Let the original poster of the question make up their own mind.

Oh, there is one thing I really, really think that myfitnesspal ought to correct. On the same post where this happened to my friend, we both noticed the attacking person's ticker went from 12 pounds lost to over a 100 pounds lost after my friend posted how much weight she'd lost. That to me definitely shows that person's dishonesty. Myfitnesspal needs to correct it so you can't do a massive weight loss in minutes of hundreds; basically, it's a tool to try and show legitimate weight loss. I bet if they modified the ticker to show the original weight AND what was recently posted - people wouldn't pull that stuff.

jofjltncb6

Because they are unhappy in their own life and it makes them feel better to degrade those that don't share their opinion. Anyone that tries to justify their rudness with being helpful and/or honest are kidding themselves. We all know why we are here and making themselves feel better at the expense of someone else is not cool. A bully is a bully regardless and you are better off just ignoring it.

Who's judgey now?

Hey now, you know the rules...actual judgment this direction is okay, whereas perceived judgment the other way is not.

LorinaLynn

Oh, there is one thing I really, really think that myfitnesspal ought to correct. On the same post where this happened to my friend, we both noticed the attacking person's ticker went from 12 pounds lost to over a 100 pounds lost after my friend posted how much weight she'd lost. That to me definitely shows that person's dishonesty. Myfitnesspal needs to correct it so you can't do a massive weight loss in minutes of hundreds; basically, it's a tool to try and show legitimate weight loss. I bet if they modified the ticker to show the original weight AND what was recently posted - people wouldn't pull that stuff.

On the other hand, though, there's people who might have lost weight before they started here. So the weight loss shown on the ticker might not be the whole story. I've seen several threads along the lines of "Can I change my starting weight?" So that might be something that they did.

And while I do agree that sometimes disagreements turn into pointless pissing contests, I have to play devil's advocate on "3 or 4 people who attack" someone's advice. I've heard other say people are ganging up on someone. 3 or 4 people, or a lot more than that, who share the same opinions is nothing rare. Sometimes people are posting at the exact same time, or haven't read the whole thread, and don't realize that the same thing has been said. Sometimes they know it's been said before, and want to get their word in, too. It's not like a game show where only the first person to buzz in gets to answer.

I'm a big mouth with a high post count. I talk a LOT. If only posted when I thought I had something incredibly unique to say that no one else has said before, my post count would be zero. So sometimes, yeah, I might appear to be ganging up on someone, if they consider multiple people of the same opinion to be ganging up.

opuntia

Some people send messages to others and are very rude and hateful. I think that is where the personal attacks come in. There are two names that keep coming up from several friends of mine who have received messages that were uncalled for. How sad that one had to deactivate an account and make a new one.

Wow. I've fortunately never experienced that. But I'm quite new to the forums, so still finding my way around.

These same two people just can't leave anyone alone. I have ignored them both so I no longer have to see it. They tell people they know more than doctors and nutritionists. Yes, they say that. One has gone as far as saying degrees mean nothing and she knows more than any doctors out there.

I've seen a few people say that sort of thing in the forums - acting like they are total experts without giving any research behind what they say, or acknowledging that there are actually quite a few approaches and theories that have some research behind them, and theirs isn't the only one. I guess I'm lucky in that I know my body quite well, and what it responds well or badly to, and I'm not just going to randomly believe anything anyone says, because I know from experience that what works well for one person (or even many people!) may well not work well for me. But it is worrying if such people are targeting vulnerable people who might believe everything they say without question.

I guess another difficulty is that weight seems to be such an emotive subject for a lot of people, so discussions about it can easily cause strong reactions.

love22step

I see very little negativity on this site. I think most of the comments on individuals who clearly have eating disorders, whether they eat to little or too much, are generally meant to be helpful. There are always going to be a few "meanies" in the world. The meanies have problems, too. Don't take it personally. Forgive them and pray for them! I learned that when I was 12, and it's been a positive in my life ever since. Don't worry, be happy!

skonly

Noob starts a topic. People respond. They get some good advice, and some crappy advice. People with good advice call out the crappy advice for the crap it is, and the Noob thinks that the people with the good advice are slamming him/her or thinks this place is hostile because there was bickering disagreement. Even though that bickering had nothing at all to do with the Noob.

I think part of the problem is that people don't know how to discuss things civilly. For example, a person posts advice and someone doesn't like it. Instead of just saying something nice like "I disagree and have found some other things that work for me. Here's what I think helped me drop weight..." At that point, they should be telling the person who posted the question their advice and posting their links and suggestions which is what the questioner needed. Instead, you end up with 3 or 4 people who attack the one person's advice in a mean and nasty way and they never even bother to offer advice either. This defeated the purpose of the question which was asked and the topic becomes null. It becomes a "tear down that person's advice column" which is self-defeating. Honestly, if a person disagrees...I believe they should offer their own advice but they don't need to shred the people posting in the column. There's no need to attack someone with "I need a formal MLA 100 page paper with proper citations". Let the original poster of the question make up their own mind.

Oh, there is one thing I really, really think that myfitnesspal ought to correct. On the same post where this happened to my friend, we both noticed the attacking person's ticker went from 12 pounds lost to over a 100 pounds lost after my friend posted how much weight she'd lost. That to me definitely shows that person's dishonesty. Myfitnesspal needs to correct it so you can't do a massive weight loss in minutes of hundreds; basically, it's a tool to try and show legitimate weight loss. I bet if they modified the ticker to show the original weight AND what was recently posted - people wouldn't pull that stuff.

I have seen a lot of tickers change and quite a few diaries go to private really fast. lol.

I don't understand this....If a person makes it clear they won't accept friends based on calorie intake, they why do they seek them out in the forums to call them stupid and jump all over them? Again, I'm going off a few select people on here. I have never seen them say anything positive to anyone. They only reply with hostility to people they say they want nothing to do with.

I looked up a disease I had never heard of before because of someone on here. It's a shame she was labeled as having an eating disorder based on how she eats. Mean people can jump off a bridge for all I care. I'm ignoring all of you

Mrsfreedom41

Noob starts a topic. People respond. They get some good advice, and some crappy advice. People with good advice call out the crappy advice for the crap it is, and the Noob thinks that the people with the good advice are slamming him/her or thinks this place is hostile because there was bickering disagreement. Even though that bickering had nothing at all to do with the Noob.

I think part of the problem is that people don't know how to discuss things civilly. For example, a person posts advice and someone doesn't like it. Instead of just saying something nice like "I disagree and have found some other things that work for me. Here's what I think helped me drop weight..." At that point, they should be telling the person who posted the question their advice and posting their links and suggestions which is what the questioner needed. Instead, you end up with 3 or 4 people who attack the one person's advice in a mean and nasty way and they never even bother to offer advice either. This defeated the purpose of the question which was asked and the topic becomes null. It becomes a "tear down that person's advice column" which is self-defeating. Honestly, if a person disagrees...I believe they should offer their own advice but they don't need to shred the people posting in the column. There's no need to attack someone with "I need a formal MLA 100 page paper with proper citations". Let the original poster of the question make up their own mind.

Oh, there is one thing I really, really think that myfitnesspal ought to correct. On the same post where this happened to my friend, we both noticed the attacking person's ticker went from 12 pounds lost to over a 100 pounds lost after my friend posted how much weight she'd lost. That to me definitely shows that person's dishonesty. Myfitnesspal needs to correct it so you can't do a massive weight loss in minutes of hundreds; basically, it's a tool to try and show legitimate weight loss. I bet if they modified the ticker to show the original weight AND what was recently posted - people wouldn't pull that stuff.

I have seen a lot of tickers change and quite a few diaries go to private really fast. lol.

I don't understand this....If a person makes it clear they won't accept friends based on calorie intake, they why do they seek them out in the forums to call them stupid and jump all over them? Again, I'm going off a few select people on here. I have never seen them say anything positive to anyone. They only reply with hostility to people they say they want nothing to do with.

I looked up a disease I had never heard of before because of someone on here. It's a shame she was labeled as having an eating disorder based on how she eats. Mean people can jump off a bridge for all I care. I'm ignoring all of you

Amen, skonly, Amen.

RainHoward

I see the term "eating disorder" and "pro ana" (what an asinine term) used on here with an alarming frequency. It is quite apparent that most of those that use these terms have no idea what they really mean. Having bad eating habits, eating at or below a certain calorie level, eating food with poor nutritional value, none of these are necessarily indicative of an eating disorder. Yes, there are plenty of people in the world who have atrocious eating habits, on both ends of the weight spectrum.

An eating disorder in not a choice,it's a compulsion. Those who suffer from anorexia usually do so it quiet. They aren't out looking to "recruit" people into the lifestyle. Because it's not a lifestyle, it's a mental disorder. It is something they have no control over, not without help and therapy and sometimes even hospitalization. Labeling someone as "pro ana" because they make poor eating choices, or choices you don't agree with is absurd and not at all helpful to those who are actually struggling with a disease.

macpatti

I see the term "eating disorder" and "pro ana" (what an asinine term) used on here with an alarming frequency. It is quite apparent that most of those that use these terms have no idea what they really mean.

However, in this case, the OP has identified herself as having an eating disorder.

An eating disorder in not a choice,it's a compulsion. Those who suffer from anorexia usually do so it quiet. They aren't out looking to

You're wrong. There are plenty of people with an ED who advertise it. They are not all quiet about it, and some do try to rally new frineds. You may not have seen it here, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

kirianna55

Some people are just cruel. Some people get cocky and rude after they lose weight, even if its only a few pounds.

AwesomeMoJo

I have yet to come across anyone mean, except for ONE guy...who saw that I ate a cupcake one day and called me a FAT, AMERICAN, C U Next Tuesday (for those who know what that means)...I mean come on we ALL fall off the wagon or have our reward days.

I just blocked him and now I never have to see him or his posts ever again....

Other than that ONE person out of how many hundreds of thousands...everyone is wonderful and supportive. Sometimes the advice may not be correct or good for you..buteveryone tries in their own way to supposrt one another....

mfpcopine

This is a fitness site. Aimed at losing weight and becoming healthier. Everyone is different. Why judge people so harshly? It seems that most people are in their own bubbles. If something is said that is outside someone's bubble. BAM! Hate comments. I don't understand. We are here to support each other! Has anyone noticed this? Am I the only one that feels really sad when someone is completely disrespected in the forums, even if I don't agree with what they are saying? Please try to be more understanding.
All this talk about eating under BMR, eating back exercise calories, eating less than 1200. It's fine to argue over it, but most people jump to drastic conclusions and peoples' feelings are really hurt. Everyone is different, so everyone has their own weight loss journey. It doesn't make them a stupid or bad person. And, stop hating on people with EDs. They don't have one on purpose! Whether that have Anorexia, Binge Eating Disorder, or ED-NOS, it's not your place to tell them things that they already tell themselves everyday and that they already hear from other people!
Sorry for the rant. I'm not sure if many people will read this. Please tell me I'm not alone in thinking that some people should have more respect towards others. Thanks!

This is a fitness board. It's not a sounding board or an echo chamber. Which means that people will from time to time meet with disagreement. People with EDs cannot expect to be supported in their wrongheaded, unhealthy ideas and some ED posters are trying to be provocative; otherwise, why come on a board and challenge people who are challenging your unhealthy ideas about diet? They want attention. Besides, they should be seeking professional help.

Moving beyond EDs, there was an obese woman who wanted sympathy for ordering THREE pizzas. I said, we all have the desire to overeat, but why did you order three pizzas? What exactly did you think you were going to do with them except eat them? She wrote me an abusive note. If you're saying patently silly things that are totally inconsistent with your so-called weight loss "journey" I will point that out.

My problem here is the inability of people to make distinctions. For example, I have to eat under 1200 to lose weight and I've never had an ED. I love food. There also is an idea that people who have managed not to become overweight have not had to work at it.

MoreBean13

I see the term "eating disorder" and "pro ana" (what an asinine term) used on here with an alarming frequency. It is quite apparent that most of those that use these terms have no idea what they really mean.

However, in this case, the OP has identified herself as having an eating disorder.

An eating disorder in not a choice,it's a compulsion. Those who suffer from anorexia usually do so it quiet. They aren't out looking to

You're wrong. There are plenty of people with an ED who advertise it. They are not all quiet about it, and some do try to rally new frineds. You may not have seen it here, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

^I agree. RainHoward, you may not yet have seen the posts, as they usually get shut down pretty quickly, but there is an MFP underbelly of posters that encourage eating disorders. Look for the words "Thigh gap" or "thinspo" in titles and you'll find them. It's quite disturbing. The posters use those flame posts to find other members with similar aspirations to find one another, and then continue the practice from the privacy of their FLs and walls.
There is also a big group of people that are using MFP to help them overcome their EDs, and when those people post and ask for support in helping to overcome an ED, the community is generally very supportive.

psse01

I think the original point of this topic was not so much the advice and the different opinions but the WAY they are expressed. There is no need to reprimand and/or publically flog anybody. As one poster said...it's a matter of being civil regardless of your point of view. You catch more flies with honey....

mfpcopine

I see the term "eating disorder" and "pro ana" (what an asinine term) used on here with an alarming frequency. It is quite apparent that most of those that use these terms have no idea what they really mean.

However, in this case, the OP has identified herself as having an eating disorder.

An eating disorder in not a choice,it's a compulsion. Those who suffer from anorexia usually do so it quiet. They aren't out looking to

You're wrong. There are plenty of people with an ED who advertise it. They are not all quiet about it, and some do try to rally new frineds. You may not have seen it here, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Agreed. Some of the ED posters are clearly looking for a fight. A characteristic of that group of illnesses is distorted thinking, so they may feel compelled to justify disordered eating, but there's no reason someone else should say turning yourself into a skeleton is OK.

BUT AGAIN, not everyone who is thin or has a certain calorie max has an ED.

gr8pillock

people get cranky when theyre hungry

Comedy gold.