I don't even know what Title to give this.

chunkylover22

I am going through a situation where I don't know what to do, and I would really like an outsiders opinion.

This past week has been a rough one for me and my SO. I leave for work at 5:15 am, and get home around 6:30 pm (12hr shift)
I am doing this everyday, I am also staying at a motel because I am out of state working. My SO is the manager of the company and he stays at the hotel everyday. He used to come to my location and hang out with me during the day, but for the past two weeks he hasn't come up here. He doesn't even text me or call me AT ALL. If I call him or text him he will respond, but not for long. When I asked what was going on, he flat out told me that he is avoiding me. When I asked why he said it was because I was mean.

Okay, first of all everyone has there good days and bad days. Second of all, when I get really mad I don't scream, yell or anything I sit there calm, quiet and collect myself. I am not a mean person, I seriously feel like I do everything to be the exact opposite.

Anyways, I sat there and listen to what he had to say, and for the next several days I made a point to be EXTRA nice. I would send him cute texts, cook him a special dinner, bought him a present, etc. NOTHING CHANGED.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like this is because of something I am doing.

Okay so the next part....

The other night I brought up how I wanted to go to college soon. I don't want to wait too long, but I also don't want to quit my job. He totally flipped out on me, said that we don't have money for college. He has already been to college. He has his masters degree actually. I was shocked about his reaction. How could he not support me wanting an education? I am 19 years old and work my *kitten* off to make 300 dollars a day! I work 5 weeks straight of 12 hrs a day with only one week off then back to work another 5 weeks and so on. Never took a sick day, no vacation, I work every holiday! I just cant help but to think this isn't fair.

We are also paying off HIS debt. We also pay his ex wife 1000 dollars a month for alimony.

This I will admit I am furious about! I don't even know what to do! We literally almost split up yesterday, got as far as splitting the money but couldn't come to a compromise.


Okay sorry this is so long, I don't even know if anyone will read this. But please if you do, will you share your opinion?

runningfromzombies

YIKES. I feel for you, kiddo. This sounds like a really, REALLY bad situation to be in.

Just to clarify some facts...

1. Your SO is also your boss? Am I getting that right? Did you two meet before that power dynamic came into effect?
2. How different is his behavior from the last two weeks versus before that? Is this behavior totally and completely unlike him, or were their hints of it before?

And now, on to the opinions!

I firmly believe that certain power dynamics (for example, your SO also being your boss) can really affect a relationship if the people IN that relationship don't work hard to combat it. Especially with the college thing, it sounds like he's acting more like a manager than a supportive partner. You sound like you are doing everything you can to bridge the gap between the two of you, but if he isn't responding, then there may not be anything you can do.

It would be good to have an open conversation with him in which you address his recent behavior, how it makes you feel, etcetera. Explain why you want to go to college, too. And if he can't accept any of that, I think at that point you have to decide: can you live with him controlling your life that way? Or would you rather walk out of the relationship and do what you want to do, like get an education?

Hope this helps! :flowerforyou: Good luck, and I hope everything turns out for the better.

jilliew

I just went through a similar thing with my ex bf. He was avoiding me, making every excuse to not hang out with me, and was unsupportive of my goals. I finally had it and dumped his *kitten* (which I had to do over text message, incidently, because he was too busy hanging out with his friends to call me. I tried all day to get him at least on the phone, and the response I got every time was "late, I'm busy").

That was the greatest day of my life. Not even kidding. I didn't realize until I did it how down I had been. My friends and family noticed a change in my attitude for the better the next day. A week later I met a guy at work (I don't work WITH him, he just happens to work here) and we are now dating, and I couldn't be happier.

You are young. You don't need to put up with crap like this. You shouldn't have to change for anyone, and your SO should be supportive of any attempt at self-improvement, even if it puts him out. Kick him out of your life and find someone that loves you for you.

mmarcy7

I don't totally understand your post, about the hotel thing. But, it sounds like he is quite a bit older than you and rather controlling. And I also wonder what kind of boss makes you work that much, 12 hrs a day, 7 days a week, with 1 day off every 5 weeks. What kind of business is this?

If I were you I'd go to college, have some fun, and find a career you love. You're 19, you shouldn't be worried about paying his alimony.

Good luck, do what your gut tells you to do.

Pipsg1rl

How long have you been together? You mention he has his Master's degree and that you are 19. Is he much older than you?

If this pattern is new for him and he's avoiding you, my concern would be cheating. I'm sorry to sound crappy but it's true.

You mentioned he has an ex-wife. Do you know why they separated? Might have something to do with what is happening now, his norm after settling in to the relationship.

I hope you figure it out.

MommaKit79

I have to agree! If he doesnt support you, you should stay...just My opinion! My ex BF was kinda like that too. I had gone to school but stopped going because of some personal situations I was in. I kept saying I wanted to go back but, he never did anything to support my decision...and, he never wanted to do anything I wanted to do...only what he thought we should do!

Anyway, point I am making is that you really should think long and hard about the situation you are in and if you would really like to stay in that type of relationship that he doesnt support you.

GOOD LCUK and will say a prayer for you!!

BTW, if your relationship ended, would you be able to stay in the position you are in at work?

aquamarine78

Sounds like you are in a tough situation. My former roommate also was in a situation that sounds like yours. her boyfriend would accuse her of being cold and he would always say she acted like a ***** and never listened to him. I lived with them for 2 months and I heard their fights so I can tell you, she always listened and gave him a chance to tell his opinion or point of view but it went in one ear and out the other.

I think her boyfriend didn't like the fact that he couldn't be in control of her. He didn't like her independence or that she didn't need him all the time and so he took it out on her and said that she was the problem. I don't know all your details but it sounds like you are in something similar. Since you have voiced wanting to go to University, and he wasn't supportive, maybe he is worried about losing control over you. That you will become more independent and that maybe you will see him for what he actually is? That could be another reason he is pushing you away. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you and it sounds like you want to make a better life for yourself so maybe he is worried that you will realize that you can do better? I don't know...

My roommate ened up ending things with her boyfriend because he went away to work and everytime he called her, it was only to yell at her for something that didn't even happen (he always thought she was cheating, she never did and he had no reason to suspect that) I hope you can work things out with your boyfriend. Maybe just explain to him how you feel and all the things you have said in your post. If he still freaks and won't listen to you and your opinions then maybe you should think about where this is going and if you want it to continue. You don't want to waste your best years in an unhappy relationship

Good luck and all the best.

chunkylover22

We have been together for 3 years, he became my boss about 6 months ago. We were both working this job together and then he got promoted.

This behavior is completely new. We had a rough relationship in the beginning but for the past couple years it has been amazing. We used to be best friends, do everything together, could talk about anything.

I can see what you mean about it being hard to be in a relationship with your boss. After he got promoted I noticed him getting a big head, which I was okay with because I was proud of him too. But now I want him to go back to treating me like he used to.

I have talked to him about everything, because we have always had a really honest relationship. He always ends up calling me mad or mean. I was actually crying the other night and before he asked what was wrong he asked why I could never have a good day. I was completely shocked by the question because while I sit here and cry about our relationship he is not even phased.

and to be clear, I mostly always have a good day, It has to be a really big wave to knock me down. This situation doesn't even effect how I treat people around me. Because it has nothing to do with them.



Thank you so much for you response. It is greatly appreciated.

chunkylover22

I have to agree! If he doesnt support you, you should stay...just My opinion! My ex BF was kinda like that too. I had gone to school but stopped going because of some personal situations I was in. I kept saying I wanted to go back but, he never did anything to support my decision...and, he never wanted to do anything I wanted to do...only what he thought we should do!

Anyway, point I am making is that you really should think long and hard about the situation you are in and if you would really like to stay in that type of relationship that he doesnt support you.

GOOD LCUK and will say a prayer for you!!

BTW, if your relationship ended, would you be able to stay in the position you are in at work?

Thank you for reply.

I know what you mean, I still have some things to think over before I make my decision.

and when we almost broke up the other night I asked him if I was fired and he said that he wouldn't fire me but cut back my shifts, because the only reason he was giving me so much work was because we were partners. I just said ok, because some work is better than none.

sheclimbsrocks

You deserve better. You deserve to go to school if you want to. You deserve somebody who is absolutely nuts about you and wants to spend all of his free time with you.

You are young and you have options. The world is open to you and you have the power to do whatever you want. If he doesn't support your seeking out school, then he is threatened by the thought of you earning independence.

If I were you, I would start asking myself about what I want out of life. Then, start planning how to get there.

I am sorry that you are in this situation. Sounds pretty darn crappy. But at 19, everything can be rough. You are not trapped, though. Start thinking about what you want, and then go for it.

Hope things get better, soon!

chunkylover22

I don't totally understand your post, about the hotel thing. But, it sounds like he is quite a bit older than you and rather controlling. And I also wonder what kind of boss makes you work that much, 12 hrs a day, 7 days a week, with 1 day off every 5 weeks. What kind of business is this?

If I were you I'd go to college, have some fun, and find a career you love. You're 19, you shouldn't be worried about paying his alimony.

Good luck, do what your gut tells you to do.

I currently live in PA, but I am working in OH. It is a 5 hour drive home, so the company that i work for rented a motel for the time all the employees are out here.

And we have 9 years between us. and we work for the oil field, so 12 hours is pretty much standard where ever you go.

Thank you for the advice.

MerBear1FL

He cannot punish your job status and/or hours because of a personal relationship that is ending. That is sexual harassment and he knows it. Do not be bullied into staying in this relationship for fears of losing your job.

chunkylover22

I just wanted to say thank you everyone for responding. I really really really appreciate everyone's opinion!

rossi02

Untill married, I think you should keep your money separate.. I get it, if you have a joint account where the household bills are paid from, but you shoud still have your own money and should not contribute to his ex's alimony. With the hours you are working and what you say you make... YOU can put YOU through college, it's not his choice. Even if you two stay together, I would suggest some changes to be made. If not, you could look back and regret the time you wasted.

AmyP619

We have been together for 3 years, he became my boss about 6 months ago. We were both working this job together and then he got promoted.

This behavior is completely new. We had a rough relationship in the beginning but for the past couple years it has been amazing. We used to be best friends, do everything together, could talk about anything.

I can see what you mean about it being hard to be in a relationship with your boss. After he got promoted I noticed him getting a big head, which I was okay with because I was proud of him too. But now I want him to go back to treating me like he used to.

I have talked to him about everything, because we have always had a really honest relationship. He always ends up calling me mad or mean. I was actually crying the other night and before he asked what was wrong he asked why I could never have a good day. I was completely shocked by the question because while I sit here and cry about our relationship he is not even phased.

and to be clear, I mostly always have a good day, It has to be a really big wave to knock me down. This situation doesn't even effect how I treat people around me. Because it has nothing to do with them.



Thank you so much for you response. It is greatly appreciated.

The sudden change is strange, but my first thought too was cheating...I hate to think that way..but things don't just all of a sudden change for the worse for no reason. He sounds much older than you, and he sounds like he's just taking advantage of being with a young woman. It doesn't sound like he takes you seriously, and if he's not going to support you getting the education for your future, then there's no sense being with him.

Good luck!

beckajw

You deserve better and you can do better.

Don't give up your dream of an education for anyone else. You never know (and I'm not saying this to be negative, but to be real), when that person won't be there anymore.

Again, I'm not trying to be negative, but just think about what happens if you continue to pay his wife alimony (which is his sole responsibility and is something he can afford regardless of what he says) and you continue to pay off his debts and the day comes when he is debt free and leaves you. Where does that leave you? You weren't married, so no support payments will be coming from him. No education, so you can only go so far in your job.

I think that your ability to be independent (have a good education and able to support yourself if you need to) would be beneficial to any relationship.

Three years is a long time, but that doesn't mean that it's a forever relationship. If he's not treating you right (and he's not) and he doesn't respect you (doesn't sound like he does), maybe it's time for you to move on.

redheaddee

Oh HELL nah. He sounds very controlling, which can turn into emotional abuse if you are not careful. If he is your boss, than start sending out resumes and get the heck out of there. Are you are 19??!! You are way to young to put up with that *kitten*. Dump him and his baggage, go to college, and enjoy being young.

Edited to second this: You deserve better. You deserve to go to school if you want to. You deserve somebody who is absolutely nuts about you and wants to spend all of his free time with you

^^^AMEN!!^^^

tismyhardbody

Honestly, it sounds like you guys might want two different things out of life.
No way you shouldn't want to go to school, or that he shouldn't want you to go. That right there proves a lot to me. It SCREAMS volumes. I think you should cut ties. This is only MY opinion, but you two dont sound like you are EQUALLY matched. You work your ArSS off and he expect you to compromise a whole lot for him.

Make your choices now, and be sure you are wise when you make them. What you do now will set you up for your future.


ps. he was avoiding you? really ? what a baby. talking issues out is the adult way to communicate.
ugh i wont keep going but i say RUN lol

LeenaRuns

Untill married, I think you should keep your money separate.. I get it, if you have a joint account where the household bills are paid from, but you shoud still have your own money and should not contribute to his ex's alimony. With the hours you are working and what you say you make... YOU can put YOU through college, it's not his choice. Even if you two stay together, I would suggest some changes to be made. If not, you could look back and regret the time you wasted.

I totally agree with this!

csheltra26

You deserve better. You deserve to go to school if you want to. You deserve somebody who is absolutely nuts about you and wants to spend all of his free time with you.

You are young and you have options. The world is open to you and you have the power to do whatever you want. If he doesn't support your seeking out school, then he is threatened by the thought of you earning independence.

If I were you, I would start asking myself about what I want out of life. Then, start planning how to get there.

I am sorry that you are in this situation. Sounds pretty darn crappy. But at 19, everything can be rough. You are not trapped, though. Start thinking about what you want, and then go for it.

Hope things get better, soon!

This!!!

svetadoll

I think you know what you need to do.... its just scary to go through with it. There is nothing you can do to change another person's behaviour... and if it's a question of respect, love and loyality, you shouldnt doubt what is stirring in your mind... if you have that gut feeling that this aint right.... then it aint right.

You are so young. Everything that seems hard, is not so hard once you do it. The universe will not punish you for doing whats right for you.

Once you realise that nothing folds you back, that you are free, that you CAN be happier.... just let it all go... and dont look back honey

zoeluiisa

Untill married, I think you should keep your money separate.. I get it, if you have a joint account where the household bills are paid from, but you shoud still have your own money and should not contribute to his ex's alimony. With the hours you are working and what you say you make... YOU can put YOU through college, it's not his choice. Even if you two stay together, I would suggest some changes to be made. If not, you could look back and regret the time you wasted.

Yes yes and yes. Let him pay his own ex-wife's alimony, you save your wages for college. You are 19 for goodness sake.

chunkylover22

Maybe this was a bad idea to write this at work, I can't stop crying when I read everyone's responses. I mostly work alone, and today is slow, so i guess no one will know that i'm crying but this just sucks. I feel completely alone in life. I moved to PA after I graduated to work this job with him, so i don't even have any family around. and the family that i do have doesn't talk to me unless I call them.

beckajw

Maybe this was a bad idea to write this at work, I can't stop crying when I read everyone's responses. I mostly work alone, and today is slow, so i guess no one will know that i'm crying but this just sucks. I feel completely alone in life. I moved to PA after I graduated to work this job with him, so i don't even have any family around. and the family that i do have doesn't talk to me unless I call them.

I know how alone you feel. I move six hours from my family when I was 20. I now live 8 hours from my family. I did it all on my own. It was hard, but it was worth it because I got the education and then the job I wanted.

You are not alone in life. It might feel that way right now, but there are many other people your age going through the same thing.

And, you know, if you go to college, you're going to meet them. You can make the best friends of your life in college.

Alone doesn't always mean bad. Use your alone time to build your strength. Realize that you are good enough, strong enough, smart enough to support yourself and live life on your own. The ability to do that, makes you desirable in a relationship.

Don't look back when you're 30 and say "I wish I'd gone to college" or "I wish I'd used my money for me". Do what you need to do for you now.

zoeluiisa

Maybe this was a bad idea to write this at work, I can't stop crying when I read everyone's responses. I mostly work alone, and today is slow, so i guess no one will know that i'm crying but this just sucks. I feel completely alone in life. I moved to PA after I graduated to work this job with him, so i don't even have any family around. and the family that i do have doesn't talk to me unless I call them.

Call your family when you get home tonight. Or an old school friend. Anyone who can remind you that your SO is not the only person around, and that your whole life doesn't depend on him.

Hope it goes well x

ncahill77

You are young and you have the best days of your life ahead of you. You have proven you can work hard and have drive, there is NO REASON, not to pursue your dream and go to college if that's what you want. Anyone who doesn't support you on that shouldn't have any say in your life. And honestly, any man that asks you to help pay his ex's alimony isn't much of a man in my opinion. And as someone else stated he already has discriminated and harrassed you by simply saying he would cut back your hours, don't put up with that....YOU DESERVE BETTER!

samf36

Oh my there are so many red flags here .
Why is he controlling your money? Your not married are you? Even if you are money is a join thing. Telling you that you can't have an education? He wants to control your life. He has no respect for you and is acting like a child by ignoring you and treating you like a child. Wanting you to change.
! st thing you need to do is keep your own money and just contribute to your combined house hold bills. I also find it odd ( please don't be mad I have a dd your age) that you 2 have had a 3 yr relationship , he is 9 yrs older than you and your 19 now. I would have had the shotgun out if you were my dd and he would have been running. At 16 and 25 you two were at a very different place in your lives and you still are.
Please put yourself 1st .

trackercasey76

I would say that he better watch what he does with your job or he will find himself unemployed in a hurry. Work is work and private is private he can not mix the two!! Dump his *kitten* you are young, pretty, and obviously a hard worker!! You can do MUCH BETTER!!!

beckajw

I have to agree! If he doesnt support you, you should stay...just My opinion! My ex BF was kinda like that too. I had gone to school but stopped going because of some personal situations I was in. I kept saying I wanted to go back but, he never did anything to support my decision...and, he never wanted to do anything I wanted to do...only what he thought we should do!

Anyway, point I am making is that you really should think long and hard about the situation you are in and if you would really like to stay in that type of relationship that he doesnt support you.

GOOD LCUK and will say a prayer for you!!

BTW, if your relationship ended, would you be able to stay in the position you are in at work?

Thank you for reply.

I know what you mean, I still have some things to think over before I make my decision.

and when we almost broke up the other night I asked him if I was fired and he said that he wouldn't fire me but cut back my shifts, because the only reason he was giving me so much work was because we were partners. I just said ok, because some work is better than none.

As Ncahill77 said, this is harassment, actually I would consider it sexual harassment.

rossi02

[/quote]

Alone doesn't always mean bad. Use your alone time to build your strength. Realize that you are good enough, strong enough, smart enough to support yourself and live life on your own. The ability to do that, makes you desirable in a relationship.

Don't look back when you're 30 and say "I wish I'd gone to college" or "I wish I'd used my money for me". Do what you need to do for you now.
[/quote]

This is so true... feeling or being alone may give you the peace to really search deep down and see what you want and need. Hearing what you've stated, the red flags are going up like crazy on this guy. Imagine your sister, or best friend told you what all you've shared with us. What would you tell her? RUN! For some reason, when we are in the middle of whats going on, we tend to complicate it and think, "give it more time... we can work this out".

cad39too

If you need to cry, then cry and when you are done crying think about this like it is happening to someone else (I know it is easy for me to say that and so hard to actually do it but you need to). Look at this situation, like it was your sister (if you have one) or your best friend who was going through this.

The dynamic of your relationship seems to have changed and he seems to be holding all the power and holding you back; how long can you stay with a man who is not supportive of your life goals before it gets toxic? You are helping him pay for his college education and his ex-wife alimony but he won't do the same for you!

19 is why too young to pick to stay with the wrong guy, when you have your whole life ahead of you. You sound completely isolated, which is not healthy but a bit understandable given your job and, dare I say it, your partner.

YOU need to be your main concern.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, as you can't always tell over the net, but I hope some of the replies you have received here help you.