I don't even know what Title to give this.
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I would tell you to treat this like you would any other goal you have in life, if you want to go to college you should go. Do not let anything or anybody stand in your way. The SO has already moved into a different place and would tell you that you may not fit into those plans. Do not revolve around his plans because one day you may not be a part of the plan. Sit down and have a very frank discussion about your goals and if he tells you no than he is not a partner he is "boss".0
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Go to college!!! (That is what financial aid is for!)
Dump his *kitten*!!! (You will likely notice how much your life wimproves the very next day)
Passionately pursue your personal goals - if you don't you will ultimately regret it and end up blaming and hating him because of it.
YOU have to be your first priority in life - You can do this!0 -
I don't totally understand your post, about the hotel thing. But, it sounds like he is quite a bit older than you and rather controlling. And I also wonder what kind of boss makes you work that much, 12 hrs a day, 7 days a week, with 1 day off every 5 weeks. What kind of business is this?
If I were you I'd go to college, have some fun, and find a career you love. You're 19, you shouldn't be worried about paying his alimony.
Good luck, do what your gut tells you to do.
This... You're 19 and absolutely should be going to school and not worrying about his crap. If he's avoiding you, and saying you're mean when you're not means he is covering for something. RUN AWAY FAST.0 -
Get out, what ever the cost. More time you invest in this relationship the more you will lose. Cut your losses and run. You are worth so much more that you are getting. RUN!0
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From a male perspective, and I must say that I havent read all of the comments, just your original post, I think it sounds like a control thing. Im not sure how much older than you he is, but to me his behaviour already spells trouble for me. I get the impression he has some old fashioned values that dictate that woman should be seen and not heard, that they should stay home and look after their man and that you have no right to be out there trying to imporve your life. Thats what he is there for!! Thats what i reckon he feels and even if he isnt showing it yet, I think that will come out more and more over time, especially if you show more independence. Noone ever likes to see people breaking up, but I dont think there is a future in this relationship that you could be happy with unless you are willing to be totally submissive!! My advice is to move on out of there and chase your dreams!! Hope that helps.0
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Thank you for reply.
I know what you mean, I still have some things to think over before I make my decision.
and when we almost broke up the other night I asked him if I was fired and he said that he wouldn't fire me but cut back my shifts, because the only reason he was giving me so much work was because we were partners. I just said ok, because some work is better than none.
Are you kidding me????? I hope this isn't so you can help pay his ex wife the alimony that he owes her!!! Let him try and cut back your shifts and then go straight to HR. He sounds very immature to me and I was biting my tongue reading previous responses but then you said this and I feel really upset for you!0 -
This behavior is completely new. We had a rough relationship in the beginning but for the past couple years it has been amazing. We used to be best friends, do everything together, could talk about anything.
That sounds like my last relationship. He was so kind and sweet and did cute little things for me all the time. We were best friends and could talk to each other for hours. Then all of a sudden, he changed. He was avoiding me, not talking to me, and was very short with me when we talked and not engaged at all. It was very strange and new. When I confronted him about it, he said it was getting hard to do long distance. We broke up because he said he felt like trying wasn't going to change anything. But still, that doesn't explain why he was treating me like *kitten*. I think it's because he was confused and immature, but who knows.
If there's any advice I can offer, it's to sit down and have a really honest conversation. Not an accusatory one. Talk about what really worries you, how you feel. Get to the bottom of it, past all the surface problems. And give yourselves time to think. That might mean spending some time apart temporarily. I really wish we had done that before just ending it with our first direct conversation about our issues.0 -
what kind of man is he that he cant pay his ex wifes alimony on his own. what kind of man would have his girlfriend give up a dream to better herself and instead have her pay HIS bills to HIS ex wife! yikes!
Dump him.
Its harsh-- but you certainly can find better. He doesnt value your dreams just your money.
By him distancing himself from you, it might actually be easier for you to call it quits. Fast forward 6 months from now, will you be happy that you have left him and are pursuing your dreams or will you still be with him and things the same.0 -
He cannot punish your job status and/or hours because of a personal relationship that is ending. That is sexual harassment and he knows it. Do not be bullied into staying in this relationship for fears of losing your job.
^^ This. Your situation is definitely a difficult one. I hope you have peace in however this is resolved. Sorry, I have no advice. I'm married, two kids, mid-30s. I was briefly separated from my husband after our first child, but that is a totally different scenario with a marriage and family. THIS was worth fighting for and saving. Is your situation? Only you can answer that. I wish you the best.0 -
Grab your **** and go! You're 19. Been there, done that. The only thing I got out of my 4.5 year relationship, at that young of an age, was the experience and the ability to recognize and take no BS from the next guy. Go to college, finish your degree, enjoy your freedom and let the right person find you.0
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Sounds to me like you have already answered your question. You should put yourself first and face the change that you need to make for yourself to make YOU happy! If someone that loves you doesn't understand that then you deserve better!!!0
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Do you want to spend the rest of your working life like this.? I'm figuring that's about 46 years. And your home life? For the rest of your life.? You might want to put some thought into your situation. Good Luck!0
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I didn't read all the replies so I'm sorry if I'm being redundant, but LEAVE HIM!
At 19 I too was with an older man and I married him. That marriage set me back 5+ years from achieving my dreams of finishing college. I am now 26 and I am the oldest person in nearly every college class I have. Luckily I look young so no one notices but I KNOW. I wasted 3 years with him, I put his needs first, I followed him around with his job (he was in the military), and I "put off" going to college. I put it off year after year. When I finally left him I was in debt and had no education and no way to get a job making more than minimum wage. I spent the next 2-3 years after we split up just making ends meet, just working enough to put a roof over my head and pay the bills. Finally now almost 4 years after our divorce I am in college full-time because I have a boyfriend who wants what is best for ME and for US. He wants me to go to college because like your boyfriend he has a Master's degree, but unlike your boyfriend he wants the same for me too. He encourages me. He pays every bill we have while I'm in school and you know what? I would do the same for him. We are both thinking about the future, and the future looks a heck of a lot brighter with both of us having a good career than just one of us and me always wishing I would have done it. I may be the oldest person in some of my classes, but at least I'm doing it, and some people will never be able to say that.
Let him know he can either support you in your dreams of pursuing your education or he can find someone else. Your future is more important than this guy. Men come and go, but you will never be 19 again and the longer you wait to go back to college the harder it becomes. Things you learned in HS aren't as fresh in your mind at 26 as they were at 19. This guy sounds like a jerk and you don't need him.0 -
This is everything I wanted to stay. I'd still say think about this relationship and if you really need it. You definitely don't need to pay alimony. That is his burden.You're 19 - If I knew then what I know now?! (I know cliche)
You're not married - From everything I've read here, marriage is the last thing on his mind.
You're mean? - Oh come on! I'm a guy and that's STILL a LAME *kitten* excuse!
He got pi$$y when you said you wanted an education? - All the more reason to get one! Sounds like his Master's didn't teach him a thing!
Bottom line opinion - Get your big girl panties on, get yourself to college, quit helping on paying for his mistake, Find some new friends, Get a support group (Wait! You have one here it looks like
), And LIVE LIFE!
Good Luck and Success!0 -
Sorry.
I haven't gone through all the responses you have received but will say it sounds like your SO if just trying to find things to complain about against you. Maybe there is someone else. I think when relationships go south like this, there is usually someone else in the picture so the other person finds fault in everything you do.
You are young and beautiful and deserve better. If your SO has so many issues with you then cut the cord and find someone who will not.
Sorry - that sounds mean not knowing your entire situation, but his behavior is classical for someone not happy for whatever reason or someone looking to end the relationship.
Stay strong!0 -
Speaking as an older lady who has been happily married for a long time, I'll be blunt. If someone wants to be with you, they make it happen. If someone wants to talk or text you, they just do it. Young women put up with too much crap from guys. If he doesn't straighten up and give you support DUMP HIM. You don't need his permission to go to college. You shouldn't be helping him pay off his debt unless you are married to him. Wise up. They are so many good men out there, 19 is too young to be tied to a creep.0
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He cannot punish your job status and/or hours because of a personal relationship that is ending. That is sexual harassment and he knows it. Do not be bullied into staying in this relationship for fears of losing your job.
I agree!!!! and this does not sound like a healthy relationship if he doesnt want u to better urself....ur young and beautiful...live ur life for u and if this is how he's gonna act forget him and his big head!0 -
Forget him and move on!
It seems like he's a lot older than you and your future shouldn't be dusted off just because he has his on debt to pay. That is in no way your responsibility. Focus on and what you want out of life. You're 19.. you shouldn't have to be working so much to pay someone else's debt. You can get finicial aid to help you out or even a grant that will pay for your school 100 %!
Don't give up on your future or your feelings, needs or wants... give up on him!!
Peace 0 -
Oh dear. I know a lot of people here are telling you to break up with him and i know that's probably hard to hear. Just remember, we aren't privvy to your whole life with him and only you can decide what's best for you at any given time. Breakups suck, even when you're breaking up with a not so great person. Or a person who isn't being so great to you. I'm not going to tell you which way to go here BUT I will say a couple things:
1. There is nothing in the world more powerful than an education.
2. There is no better feeling in the world than accomplishing something for yourself because of that education.
3. Women should never let a man decide if they should, or should not, get an education.
4. Any man that would say no to you getting your education is insecure and threatened.
5. There are a ton of resources you can employ to go get yourself an education.
6. Fear is a good motivator, revenge is a great motivator, hope and inspiration is the best motivator. If you want your education, go get it.
You are young, smart, capable and apparently hard working. Go do something for yourself. And stop paying this loser's alimony. That is NOT your responsibility.0 -
Definitely this!!! I am 23 now, but when I was 19 I was working, going to school, hanging with friends, and having fun. Don't get me wrong, I was still a very responsible 19 year old. I bought myself a new car, I already had been a Nurse Assistant for over a year and I was going to school for a culinary degree. The last thing on my to-do list was a relationship. That came soon after though. I'm in a great relationship that's been going on for 3 years now. You should not be having to deal with some ex wife. You are pretty much a slave in this relationship. You may love him, but you have to leave him.I don't totally understand your post, about the hotel thing. But, it sounds like he is quite a bit older than you and rather controlling. And I also wonder what kind of boss makes you work that much, 12 hrs a day, 7 days a week, with 1 day off every 5 weeks. What kind of business is this?
If I were you I'd go to college, have some fun, and find a career you love. You're 19, you shouldn't be worried about paying his alimony.
Good luck, do what your gut tells you to do.0 -
Speaking as an older lady who has been happily married for a long time, I'll be blunt. If someone wants to be with you, they make it happen. If someone wants to talk or text you, they just do it. Young women put up with too much crap from guys. If he doesn't straighten up and give you support DUMP HIM. You don't need his permission to go to college. You shouldn't be helping him pay off his debt unless you are married to him. Wise up. They are so many good men out there, 19 is too young to be tied to a creep.
I agree 100% with this ^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!
Leave him. Go to college. Be happy. Life is too short.0 -
Pack your ****. Seriously. If someone doesn't support YOUR life goals while you're supporting them and their past BS, then you need to move on and find someone better.0
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i feel really sad reading that, you sound so trapped!
I'm sure you will do the right thing, you know he has abused his position in more ways than one. Find the strength and get out. Make a diary and/or go to HR. Screw him if he tries to screw you! You're too young to put up with that kind of **** when you really don't need to x0 -
On the sudden change of behaviour I'd second the caution from other people that this may be a sign he is seeing someone else, maybe even his ex. wife. Sometimes people make great lovers for each other but terrible long term partners. Is he like that with his ex wife? Is that why they divorced? For every old flame there has to have been an initial attraction to start the relationship and as time passes people may remember that and forget the problems that led to a breakup.
Or maybe she divorced him because he behaved towards her as he is now behaving towards you - fine when he is in control and you're supporting his goals and anything but when you want to pursue your own goals.
I also wonder about the resistance to the college education. I once knew a coach who was great with beginners but people who got close to the coach's level found him very difficult. It was as if he was scared that one of the people he was coaching would overtake him and become more successful that him. Does he fear that a college education for you would make you wiser and more independent? Or it it more basic than that in that he just wants you to help him pay his debts and alimony? He says he is giving you lots of work as a favour because you are his partner but who benefits from that money? Is it possible he is giving you those hours because that means he can pay his debts quicker with your money?
Again as others have said it seems to me keeping finances separate at least until marriage is a good idea. If you share a house you can each contribute to an account for paying the rent/mortgage and bills in agreed amounts. If you have a shared dream that needs financing then again you can contribute in agreed shares to that but otherwise you should each be in control of your own money.
From what you have described a college education is likely to be a wiser investment for you than he is, both in money time and emotions.0 -
I'm old enough to be your mom, and if it was one of my daughters, I would tell her "Get out now" It sounds like he has a lot to lose, namely, your paycheck. College will be one of the best and most valuable experiences of your life. You have time later for a serious relationship with someone who will be supportive and kind. Whatever you decide, do what's best for you.0
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As a woman, I would never ever, ever, ever agree to pay down any man's debt that he accrued before meeting me, especially if it's from his ex-wife. Honey, this is still a man's world and you are a beautiful, young girl. They are going to try and squeeze out of you what you can. It doesn't sound like this guy really wants to make it work with you, and honestly it sounds to me like he's taking advantage of you.
Go to college, have a ton of fun, and be single! There are so many guys in college and you want to experience life. You're only 19, don't tie yourself to this guy now. Use YOUR hard earned money to pay for YOUR college, and screw his debt. You didn't make him go into debt, so it's not your responsibility to help him out.
I believe that until you are married, you really have to keep all of that stuff separate. As women we really have to protect ourselves and be prepared to live independently at any moment. I live with my BF now but believe me if something happens to us, I have a back-up plan. We keep our money separate, all bills in my name so I know they are paid on time, refused to get the family plan cell phone, etc. We gotta watch out for ourselves.0 -
Dump his *kitten*? You're better off without him. He sounds completely selfish. There's ALWAYS money for college, and he's a dip**** because you don't even pay anything toward your financial aid until after you've graduated. You can go on and get your BA, Masters, Doctorate, pay NOTHING until you've finished, 6 months after graduation actually. You're screwed if you drop out though. Anyway, but yeah, he definitely sounds selfish and at 19, why would you want to deal with exes and another person's debts when he doesn't even seem to give you the time of day?0
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On the sudden change of behaviour I'd second the caution from other people that this may be a sign he is seeing someone else, maybe even his ex. wife. Sometimes people make great lovers for each other but terrible long term partners. Is he like that with his ex wife? Is that why they divorced? For every old flame there has to have been an initial attraction to start the relationship and as time passes people may remember that and forget the problems that led to a breakup.
Or maybe she divorced him because he behaved towards her as he is now behaving towards you - fine when he is in control and you're supporting his goals and anything but when you want to pursue your own goals.
I also wonder about the resistance to the college education. I once knew a coach who was great with beginners but people who got close to the coach's level found him very difficult. It was as if he was scared that one of the people he was coaching would overtake him and become more successful that him. Does he fear that a college education for you would make you wiser and more independent? Or it it more basic than that in that he just wants you to help him pay his debts and alimony? He says he is giving you lots of work as a favour because you are his partner but who benefits from that money? Is it possible he is giving you those hours because that means he can pay his debts quicker with your money?
Again as others have said it seems to me keeping finances separate at least until marriage is a good idea. If you share a house you can each contribute to an account for paying the rent/mortgage and bills in agreed amounts. If you have a shared dream that needs financing then again you can contribute in agreed shares to that but otherwise you should each be in control of your own money.
From what you have described a college education is likely to be a wiser investment for you than he is, both in money time and emotions.
I'll third it!!! Change in behavior, avoidance, non-communicative. Yep a lot of times it's a signal there's someone else in the picture!0 -
Pull your money from your accounts NOW, not LATER. Especially if you have joint checking. He can take it all out, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Seriously, don't wait.0
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AMEN.
1. There is nothing in the world more powerful than an education.
2. There is no better feeling in the world than accomplishing something for yourself because of that education.
3. Women should never let a man decide if they should, or should not, get an education.
4. Any man that would say no to you getting your education is insecure and threatened.
5. There are a ton of resources you can employ to go get yourself an education.
6. Fear is a good motivator, revenge is a great motivator, hope and inspiration is the best motivator. If you want your education, go get it.
You are young, smart, capable and apparently hard working. Go do something for yourself. And stop paying this loser's alimony. That is NOT your responsibility.
And huge hugs. Again, I will say that most of us have either been in your shoes in some way, or we know someone who's been trying to figure out if they should stay or go. You need to figure out what YOU want and stop trying to make him happy. Starting tonight, actually. I would open up my own bank account and have my next paycheck directly deposited there. Some might call this passive aggressive, I call it covering my *kitten*. HA! Honey, you are in the United States and I think you are blessed with how much freedom you have. Tell him tonight (by text apparently) that you will not pay for his alimony or child support or whatever, but you have to be firm. DON'T ask him, tell him. If this is infuriating to you, as you say it is, you will make some small steps to get away from this behavior.
GO girl. No, really, go. Think about yourself. Go for a drive, don't stay at that hotel. I'm not saying to go all Thelma and Louise, but ... Call your mom. 0
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