I don't even know what Title to give this.
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It sounds like he's already checked out of the relationship.0
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I just went through a similar thing with my ex bf. He was avoiding me, making every excuse to not hang out with me, and was unsupportive of my goals. I finally had it and dumped his *kitten* (which I had to do over text message, incidently, because he was too busy hanging out with his friends to call me. I tried all day to get him at least on the phone, and the response I got every time was "late, I'm busy").
That was the greatest day of my life. Not even kidding. I didn't realize until I did it how down I had been. My friends and family noticed a change in my attitude for the better the next day. A week later I met a guy at work (I don't work WITH him, he just happens to work here) and we are now dating, and I couldn't be happier.
You are young. You don't need to put up with crap like this. You shouldn't have to change for anyone, and your SO should be supportive of any attempt at self-improvement, even if it puts him out. Kick him out of your life and find someone that loves you for you.
Edit: ^THIS^ I had the same problem. And the problem was HIM, not me. Now I have a fabulous boyfriend that treats me like gold. You have your whole life ahead of you and you have to kiss a few frogs before you can find your prince. I think this one's a frog : )0 -
What I have learned about men is that when they back away, they don't want you to try harder. You are overcompensating by sending cute texts, making him special dinners, and the fear with this is that you appear insecure and needy. This will further push him away. The best thing you can do is back off and let him come back to you. (This is from experience
Also, if you are 19, you need to do what is best for you. Getting an education is a GREAT idea, and one that will help you support yourself in the future, etc. If you don't have money becuase of HIS debt and alimony, then you need to figure this out for yourself without him.
You have to worry about yourself first. Good luck.
ETA: A great book is 'why men love *****es' I recommend it.0 -
Red flag after red flag... SO is your boss, his reaction to you wanting formal education, your paying his debts without being married to him, and him calling you mean and then not giving you attention (sounds manipulative & controlling)... and your young age.
This doesn't sound like a good situation. I hope you find some emotional support OUTSIDE of this relationship so you can get a better perspective...0 -
... Imagine your sister, or best friend told you what all you've shared with us. What would you tell her? RUN! For some reason, when we are in the middle of whats going on, we tend to complicate it and think, "give it more time... we can work this out".
I think we might be sharing the same brain ;-)0 -
1. I think you know the right thing to do, you just want others to tell you to do it.
2. Why would you let him treat you this way?
3. Drop him like a hot potatoe and find a man without an ex wife who gets $1000 !!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
aw - are you married to this guy? You are 19, the world is at your feet - go to college and meet someone who wants all the good things for you that you deserve because they love you and want you happy and confident.0
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you are 19...break it off and move on! Moving for a guy so young was not the wisest decision, you may not see it now but you will. You are to young to worry about BS like this and honestly, you are leading an unhealthy lifestyle. I would at least wait till I am of drinking age to pay someone else's allimony!0
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Babe did you say you are 19 years old???
Hun you don't deserve this cr*p, you are 19 years old, gorgeous and need to further your life through education.
It is not your fault that he has an ex wife, has an MBA and lived his life, he cannot punish you for wanting to do the same.
I'm sorry to say this and I know it is easier for me to say it that do it but you need to do your own thing, do not compromise your life for someone else. There will plenty of men out there who will love you and appreciate you and the hard work you do, DO NOT let someone hold you back.
I am speaking from experience here, I have now met a guy who supports me in everything. I was broke and out on my *kitten* before I met him but I would have much rather been like that than have been in my previous relationship where I compromised my whole life for somebody else.
Hope everything goes okay, hope you can reach a conclusion
Peace & Love x0 -
It sounds like he's already checked out of the relationship.
AND THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
He cannot punish your job status and/or hours because of a personal relationship that is ending. That is sexual harassment and he knows it. Do not be bullied into staying in this relationship for fears of losing your job.
YEP!! You are gorgeous, smart, and obviously dedicated to making your present and future happen for you. DON'T let him hold you back. I don't know why some men can't stand the thought of women going to college (ESPECIALLY if he is educated himself). I have several EX-boyfriends like that. It sounds like he may be rethinking things anyway. Counseling is your last bet unless you wanna become his whipping-post; it looks like that is where you are headed if things stay on the current track. It's so nice of you (for him, not you) to skip college so you can work so hard to pay his alimony and debts... You're right- that is not right. There are grants and loans out there that make college easier to afford as well (I'm 35 and a senior going for a bachelor's degree in business). PLEASE do go through college while you're still young! You can do it, and you will find a way to afford it, and you will be personally stronger and more successful if you do.
Cry it out and get out, love. I stayed with the (older) man I got together with at the age of 16 and it is my one big regret in life- I wasted 13 years with him and life began when I got out of that situation. I learned how to be single and enjoy it, and now I'm with the best man I could have ever dreamed up for myself- he is supportive and would never get in the way of my personal goals.
Feel free to tell the guy that he can cut your shifts if he wants a lawsuit for sexual harassment
Document everything as well so you'll have a case if you end up going that way. Even if you would never do that- he doesn't have to know it. The fact that you know you can could very well be enough. 0 -
Have you ever been diagnosed or questioned about being depressed or having anger issues? I am not asking to be mean but it was my first thought and based on my teenaged years.
Oh and as for this guy- get out, get away, find someone your own age that doesnt have an ex-wife and possibly a GF on the side.0 -
Go to college!! Be with someone that supports your dreams and desires. You need that in life and that is what a real partner will do. You aren't alone! Just look at all the people responding to you, let that be your encouragement. Go for it and have no regrets! Live the life that you dream.0
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If you were my niece (she's 18), I'd tell you:
If you want to go to college, go to college. You are 19 and should be living the life you want to live, not one dictated to you. Move out, live meagerly, let him pay his debts and alimony, and you save up for school. Go to school next fall, start applying now (schools just started accepting applications for fall semester 2013). If you need to accrue debt to pay for school (loans) then accrue debt to pay for school, just get your *kitten* in school. You're too young to be paying (financially or otherwise) for any man's mistakes, and he sounds like a controlling childish douche. Take your money and leave him, he's already out anyway. WTF are you helping to pay for his alimony?0 -
I don't think he will love you more for doing things for him. He will love you more if he does things for you, and he doesn't.
And the money thing?? Huge red flag for me. My parent still keep their own money after so many years together. And you paying his alimony?!0 -
Alone doesn't always mean bad. Use your alone time to build your strength. Realize that you are good enough, strong enough, smart enough to support yourself and live life on your own.
yes yes yes!
Nothing is more difficult than leading an unhappy life. Working towards happiness isn't easy.... but continuing to feel as you do would be more heartbreaking and more detrimental to your well being and future.
You seem like savvy lady... make a plan, tie up the loose ends... and start your life over!0 -
It sounds like he's already checked out of the relationship.
This this this. He is passive-aggressively telling you he's done with this relationship. The sooner you realize this, the better.0 -
Sounds like a bad relationship, he's changed completely... you're young, go to college. I would seriously considering leaving this relationship.0
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... Imagine your sister, or best friend told you what all you've shared with us. What would you tell her? RUN! For some reason, when we are in the middle of whats going on, we tend to complicate it and think, "give it more time... we can work this out".
I think we might be sharing the same brain ;-)
HA... if you have custody of it now, just know I'm going to need it back in the morning! :laugh:
OP, I really wish the best for you... I hope the proper answer is made crystal clear very soon.0 -
To put it bluntly: leave.
I would talk to him about how you're feeling and that you'd like him to be supportive of your education choice. HE has a masters, while you don't have an education. Let him know you want to feel secure in your relationship and YOURSELF. Think about you. What happens if you do break up under different circumstances - you'll have no education, and most likely no job (if he's your boss) - you may not think he'll fire you or be a nasty person, but people do things you never thought they would.
If he still refuses for you to go to school, break up with him, apply for financial aid and get YOUR life on track. Before you have a life with someone else you have to be happy with your own first.0 -
Maybe this was a bad idea to write this at work, I can't stop crying when I read everyone's responses. I mostly work alone, and today is slow, so i guess no one will know that i'm crying but this just sucks. I feel completely alone in life. I moved to PA after I graduated to work this job with him, so i don't even have any family around. and the family that i do have doesn't talk to me unless I call them.
I married at 20. He had a child from a previous marriage and we stayed together 8 years, had 2 of our own kids, and I was so miserable the whole marriage. I just accepted it as normal until we split up and I started laughing again.
My honest advice is to cut your losses, go home, and start college (if that's what you want). In 10 years you can say, "Wow, I was in this really bad/strange situation for awhile but I got a fresh start and look at me now." Or in 10 years you can say, "I wasted 10 years." It's never too late to get a fresh start and you are right on the edge of doing something great that you want! Don't get bullied back into a bad situation.0 -
From what I can assume, it seems like your SO likes to have control in his relationships. Ex-wives usually get alimony when they can prove that they were dependent on their spouse from an extended period of time. Since you didn't mention child support, it seems like he held his ex-wife back during their relationship also.0
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If you are not married, do NOT paid his student loan or alimony. It's not yours to owe.0
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Maybe this was a bad idea to write this at work, I can't stop crying when I read everyone's responses. I mostly work alone, and today is slow, so i guess no one will know that i'm crying but this just sucks. I feel completely alone in life. I moved to PA after I graduated to work this job with him, so i don't even have any family around. and the family that i do have doesn't talk to me unless I call them.
You need to pack up and go back to where you have some more support (I don't mean move "home", but if that would work...great!). Once you moved back where you have some support..GO TO SCHOOL. You are 19 years old. You should NOT be helping pay some guys alimony!!!!!!!!
If there is no support ANYWHERE...find a college YOU like and move there. I promise at 19..you will make plenty of friends and find plenty of NICE guys!!!!!!0 -
Like many other posters, I would say you already know, in your heart, what you need to do. It's very scary, and you might lose your job (start documenting it now so you can sue the hell out of him in that case), but nonetheless it's likely the right thing to do.
It's time to really start living your own life. If you're a hard worker, you'll find employment somewhere else and be better off for it.
A large age difference isn't always a bad thing (my parents are 13 years apart and have been married for 30 years), but at such a young age, 9 years is a giant gap emotionally. Do what's right, not what's easy.
The sweet and easy fork leads to gluttony and extra pounds hanging around. Take the fork with the broccoli on it, shed some excess baggage and get on with your journey.0 -
So, if I have my math right (and I'm an accountant so I generally am pretty good at basic addition and subtraction) you started dating when you were 16 and 25? I would stand by my original thoughts: he's a child, and he's controlling. As an adult I find this highly inappropriate. While everyone is out of school and a little older it's okay, but when you're in high school? (to be there is a difference in maturity between 16 & 25 versus say 20 & 29). You need to RUN, you have a lot of life to experience, don't let him hold you back from experiencing it.0
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Honey, I truly pray that you find your way out of this the healthy way. Far too often we hear the same story from young ladies your age. I would suggest you doing what your heart tells you. If it were ME, I would gracefully end this relationship and split the money as you already were going to do. Don't become a statistic and watse YOUR life living someone else life, you deserve so much better.
Wow, you choked me with his response to you and you helping paying $1000 Alimony to an exwife, I'm just floored by this!
Good luck...0 -
Bad situation. He is in a position to sabotage every job you interview for if you dumb his sorry ars.
He is also on thin ice with the company because the law and most employers take a default position that a subordinate cannot consent to a relationship. There is, by the nature of the working relationship, an element of coercion.
Your best bet is to get out now while you are young. Get a degree, and get away from him.
I have been with my wife for over 20 years, married for 18 of those years. I have never raised my voice at my wife. I supported every decision she made regarding education. She has 3 BS and a MEd. And now she is a full time mom.
Nobody should put up with that sort of behavior. It is a bad omen.
There. Just my $0.02.0 -
You were 16 when you got together.
9 yrs. difference in age?
He was 25 and you were 16??
If I read it right.
Run from the pervert.
He has major control issues.
Maybe you have gotten to old for him.
By the way if he won't come and see you and is not having sex with you.
He is cheating.....sorry.:flowerforyou:0 -
My husband and I got married when we both were 26 years old, and we've been together for 34 years so far (I'm writing this from our vacation in Paris). Before that, though, I had a Starter Husband who I married when I was 19. Before we got married, we got along fine. After, he got very controlling - didn't want me to work, wanted me to wear concealing clothes, wanted to control our money, wouldn't let me drive, ... I finally left him, and he went back home to his mom. Smartest thing I ever did.
My suggestion: start looking for jobs at companies that offer a good tuition reimbursement benefit. Interview and find a decent job, and then tell the jerk to take a hike. Go to college and meet some people that you enjoy being with. Don't consider committing to anyone else until you're certain that you're meant to be with that person.
Good luck!0
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