I don't even know what Title to give this.
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You SHOULD NOT be paying his allimony!!! Sounds like he is very controlling and may be using you. He sounds like trouble. Run far away from him.0
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If he threatens to cut back your shifts if you break up with him... THAT IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT. I would call HR right now and report it. You can sue the company over something like that if it came down to it. He should never have been allowed to be your supervisor if he was dating you AND he knows that.
It sounds like an older man is taking advantage of you and stringing you along. He sounds controlling and manipulative. Those are dangerous qualities in a man and at your age, you are an easy target. He will continue to do it until you put a stop to it. When you are fed up enough, you will but how long will that take? You do need to ask yourself how long you should live like this. Do you deserve this? I doubt it. Do you love him, does he love you? True love cannot be found where it does not truly exist and it cannot be denied where it does. Think about that.... if you question whether he really loves you or not... he probably doesn't.
You are young and beautiful, you are obviously a hard worker and you have your whole life ahead of you. Pick a college and get your butt into a classroom. There are student loans, grants, etc.... if you want to make it happen, you will make it happen.
Good luck young lady! Believe in yourself and your ability to have the things you want in life. Don't depend on this man to make that happen. Get an education. Without it, your choices are so extremely limited. And he knows that (given that he has his masters) and if he isn't encouraging YOU to get your degree, he does not want the best things for you.0 -
Okay sorry this is so long, I don't even know if anyone will read this. But please if you do, will you share your opinion?
I don't have much time to write, but you're 19, this is your current relationship, and you want to go to college? Kindly end the relationship and go to college. There will be lots of other opportunities in your months and years ahead to meet men who you connect with better, and you need to take care of YOU (meaning this is the time to go to college if you want to go). You're young. Don't settle, especially since it doesn't sound like you are all that happy.0 -
holy cow. seriously stop paying his bills. now. and if you have extra time cause he "cut your hours back", look for work. hell, come work for my company: a 9-1-1 center on the west coast. we'll train you, give you full benefits lke paid sick leave, medical/dental/vision insurance, vacation, paid holidays and a union to boot. excellent salary. we are one of the best in the nation and a LOT of employees got their degrees while working here. oh, did i mention we help you pay for some tuition, also? no? truly you are better than this.0
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it has been my experience that when they want out of a relationship they become overly critical of every thing you do. try to push and push and push you to the point of breaking up with them so they can leave the relationship with what they believe will be a clear conscience.
you are much too young to be under this type of relationship pressure.
a realtionship is work yes - but it isn't supposed to be hard.0 -
You deserve better. You deserve to go to school if you want to. You deserve somebody who is absolutely nuts about you and wants to spend all of his free time with you.
You are young and you have options. The world is open to you and you have the power to do whatever you want. If he doesn't support your seeking out school, then he is threatened by the thought of you earning independence.
If I were you, I would start asking myself about what I want out of life. Then, start planning how to get there.
I am sorry that you are in this situation. Sounds pretty darn crappy. But at 19, everything can be rough. You are not trapped, though. Start thinking about what you want, and then go for it.
Hope things get better, soon!
This!!!
You dear young lady. This response above is spot on. You're so young - you're on MFP so you obviously care about yourself, you're working so you are obviously responsible.
HIS ex = HIS financial responsibility.
YOUR future = YOUR responsibility.
YOUR happiness = YOUR obligation.
You can do this. Believe in yourself; a whole bunch of complete strangers here believe in you!!
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So, if I have my math right (and I'm an accountant so I generally am pretty good at basic addition and subtraction) you started dating when you were 16 and 25? I would stand by my original thoughts: he's a child, and he's controlling. As an adult I find this highly inappropriate. While everyone is out of school and a little older it's okay, but when you're in high school? (to be there is a difference in maturity between 16 & 25 versus say 20 & 29). You need to RUN, you have a lot of life to experience, don't let him hold you back from experiencing it.
^^^ this is exactly what I was thinking. AND I think that 25 yr olds dating 16 year olds is CREEPY.
I'm going to guess that the reason he liked you at 16 is because you didn't threaten him as an intelligent woman would. Now that you want to improve yourself, he's distancing himself because he needs/wants to go find another young controllable girl that won't question him.
Quit trying to win him back with cutesy crap, he's already checked out & he's trying to make you the bad guy in the end. (by "making" you dump him)
You need to dump his @ss. Go to school. Enjoy your life.0 -
Just break up.0
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I don't totally understand your post, about the hotel thing. But, it sounds like he is quite a bit older than you and rather controlling. And I also wonder what kind of boss makes you work that much, 12 hrs a day, 7 days a week, with 1 day off every 5 weeks. What kind of business is this?
If I were you I'd go to college, have some fun, and find a career you love. You're 19, you shouldn't be worried about paying his alimony.
Good luck, do what your gut tells you to do.
Yes.0 -
I have to agree! If he doesnt support you, you should stay...just My opinion! My ex BF was kinda like that too. I had gone to school but stopped going because of some personal situations I was in. I kept saying I wanted to go back but, he never did anything to support my decision...and, he never wanted to do anything I wanted to do...only what he thought we should do!
Anyway, point I am making is that you really should think long and hard about the situation you are in and if you would really like to stay in that type of relationship that he doesnt support you.
GOOD LCUK and will say a prayer for you!!
BTW, if your relationship ended, would you be able to stay in the position you are in at work?
Thank you for reply.
I know what you mean, I still have some things to think over before I make my decision.
and when we almost broke up the other night I asked him if I was fired and he said that he wouldn't fire me but cut back my shifts, because the only reason he was giving me so much work was because we were partners. I just said ok, because some work is better than none.
riiight ...so he was giving you more work so you could help pay his alimony- that is NOT your responsibility! He is using you from the sounds of it...and the earlier posts I read about him cheating most likely with his ex wife....is possible.....its not a open real relationship if he is controlling you (the education) you have every right to go and better yourself....this was my ex hubby too....we paid off all his debt first..and then I got left with his credit card debt after we split too....it was only after I took care of that and my kids got older that I got to go to school....and yes it can be done...it is everyday but it would be much easier without kids when you are younger and can devote yourself to yourself! Good luck and God Bless in whatever you decide sweetie!0 -
*this* and if he dosent like it kick him to the curb!Untill married, I think you should keep your money separate.. I get it, if you have a joint account where the household bills are paid from, but you shoud still have your own money and should not contribute to his ex's alimony. With the hours you are working and what you say you make... YOU can put YOU through college, it's not his choice. Even if you two stay together, I would suggest some changes to be made. If not, you could look back and regret the time you wasted.
Yes yes and yes. Let him pay his own ex-wife's alimony, you save your wages for college. You are 19 for goodness sake.0 -
I can feel for you. He should be the one paying off his debit and his ex wife, not you. Chances are when the debt is all gone, he will be to. It sounds like he is the one being mean and maybe even somewhat emotionally abusive. You deserve better. You deserve to go to school if you want to. You deserve somebody who is absolutely nuts about you and wants to spend all of his free time with you. If I were you, I would start asking myself about what I want out of life. Then, start planning how to get there.0
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Definitely step back. If it's meant to be it will. However, my husband and I have been together for 9 years, married 2. We still have seperate bank accounts. lol. It works. We share money and have nothing to hide but it's nice to have some things stay seperate.(we also have two kids) He is 7 years old than I am so I am with ya on the "baggage". However, you seem to be a smart girl who knows what she wants. He needs to support you just as much as you support him. If anything giving him some distance will make him notice what he might lose. good luck.0
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You dear young lady. This response above is spot on. You're so young - you're on MFP so you obviously care about yourself, you're working so you are obviously responsible.
HIS ex = HIS financial responsibility.
YOUR future = YOUR responsibility.
YOUR happiness = YOUR obligation.
You can do this. Believe in yourself; a whole bunch of complete strangers here believe in you!!
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You are a beautiful girl, you deserve to have your dreams come true. I am a mom, so all i can think is if this was my daughter, I would want you to leave, and go to school, and move on with a wonderful life you are meant to have. Education is the key to future opportunities in the work force. Spread your wings!!0 -
Just break up.
then quit!0 -
I also date and live with my boss whom is 15 years older than me and 1000.00 in alimony is nothing compared to what my SO pays out... Anyways, in my humble opinion it sounds like he has some growing up to do. First off, we keep work and home completely separate. We never mix the two. When I have my bad days he comforts me, and does not tell me I am mean no matter how bad I am reacting. And always goes out of his way to see me. He would support me if I wanted to go back to school. It sounds like your SO is being very selfish. You have to decide how long you are willing to put up with this. At that point if things were not better it may be time to jump ship and find someone who does support your decisions to better yourself with an education. I wish you the best of luck and all the happiness in the world.0
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Just break up.
then quit!
No, don't quit. Unless, you go away to college. Let him fire you or decrease your hours. Then sue.0 -
Just break up.
then quit!
No, don't quit. Unless, you go away to college. Let him fire you or decrease your hours. Then sue.
A-men0 -
Sweetie, you are 19 and he is only a tiny little speck of your life. It took me until I was almost 40 to find someone that I can live with and love.
It's highly doubtful; that he is the one so, open yourself to new things and don't tie yourself down to someone at such a young.age. Especially someone that is going to change you. It's apparent that he has other ideas and yours don;t mesh.
BTW, I want your job so, if you leave it, please let me know. 300.00 a day? I work for that in a week!0 -
At 19, you shouldn't be paying your hard working dollars for his ex-wife's alimony. Nuff said.
What happened to student loans? If you're working to pay his, they exist. He's a bullsheeter and I suggest you move on.
tough love,
Katey0 -
Put in your 2 week notice and get out! I know it is scary thinking of being on your own after being with someone for 3 years, but you can do it. It will be different, new, and sometimes hard, but you have to always put yourself first. Start researching schools/degrees you are interested and let that consume your thoughts instead of "How am I going to make him happy today?" I know it is always easier for me to say because I am not you, but as you can see by everyone else's responses, he is too controlling.
If he has controlled you for 3 years then there is a reason why you feel so afraid to leave. Many times when we have controlling people in our lives, we recognize that it is a bad situation but can't imagine a way out if it. You are STRONG enough to get out. You are SMART enough to move on. You are BEAUTIFUL and you have the whole world in front of you. He is not your everything. He is a small part of your life that you can move on from. You can go somewhere new and start fresh.
If you are worried about putting him as your boss on your application or resume . . . DON'T. Put whomever was your boss before, another co-worker, or someone higher up in the company who knows your work ethic and experience. Take your life back and become who you want to be. That is what is truly going to make you happy every day.
Best wishes :flowerforyou:0 -
You sound like a hardworking person. What are you actually getting out of this relationship except grief? You need to sort out your feelings and decide whether you want to live like this long term and what is the most important thing you want and think about for your future. Happiness, Education, A supportive partner, and a Career or a job you like should be at the top of the list. What about family? Do you have anyone you can trust to use as a sounding board? My heart goes out to you.
Once you decided what you want to do....Believe in yourself and your goals and get busy doing it.0 -
^ ThisOh HELL nah. He sounds very controlling, which can turn into emotional abuse if you are not careful. If he is your boss, than start sending out resumes and get the heck out of there. Are you are 19??!! You are way to young to put up with that *kitten*. Dump him and his baggage, go to college, and enjoy being young.
Edited to second this: You deserve better. You deserve to go to school if you want to. You deserve somebody who is absolutely nuts about you and wants to spend all of his free time with you
^^^AMEN!!^^^
And you should NEVER pay some guy's alimony. What kind of "man" would want his woman to do that anyway? You are too young and cute to put up with that crap. Nobody should actually. I am 46 years old and believe me time goes really fast. Don't waste your precious years on this guy.0 -
I'm a big list person. When I left my ex, I wrote a list - which helped me realise that I didn't actually love him (FYI, I was 19).
-I was the housewife/cook etc
-I was the main breadwinner
-i was studying full time
-We were debt laden due to studying, but always paying off his credit card - I didn't have one
-I was making his life perfect by giving him all my emotion, leaving nothing for me
-I was too afraid to vent at him, cos it was always 'my' fault
-He was a part time student
-Played computer for the rest of the time
It was damn hard to leave, but a year later, I was sooo happy. I had found independence, I had found my self-respect, I had decided that if a man did not love me, he did not get me and he better damn well respect me otherwise he was gone. My darling husband was man enough - although I put him through the wringer at the start lol.
You need to find you again, cos you get so engrossed in the relationship that you lose that at 19. A true relationship is two people, one relationship. Not just the relationship IYKWIM. Respect, support, love all bind, but not all your energy goes into keeping the relationship or the other person happy - he is in control of his happiness, just like you are yours.0 -
You are never alone. You are a precious child of God and He loves you dearly. I don't know if you have ever been to Church and it doesn't matter. The best and easiest place to make friends who really care about you is in a Bible study group. You may have to try a few to find the right fit. And, as someone else mentioned, once you start college, you will make new friends.
My husband is 23 yrs older than me and we worked together for several years. He NEVER made me feel inferior to him in any way and he ALWAYS put my education and career before his. Looking at your picture, you are beautiful and will have no trouble meeting a partner who is right for you. Whoever it is, he should make you feel like a princess, now matter how much or little money either of you have.
I know it is hard, but don't ever give up. You are a hard worker and a strong young woman. You were meant for more and you have God's strength in you.0 -
If you are worried about putting him as your boss on your application or resume . . . DON'T. Put whomever was your boss before, another co-worker, or someone higher up in the company who knows your work ethic and experience. Take your life back and become who you want to be. That is what is truly going to make you happy every day.
Best wishes :flowerforyou:
^^^^ This!!! He's obviously avoiding you anyway. Put in your notice and move out. (Pull your money out of checking accounts same day...) I can't imagine the hardship on your for this. But you are young! I have been with my Logan since I was 17. Yes we argue. But overall, he still treats me like a queen. Happily married for 4 years. You should never be responsible for his alimony. That is just nuts. I would put in your notice to a higher up and explain the situation and the threats of decreased work if you leave him. That way the higher up can keep him away from you if he gets to keep his job (which he won't, companies don't like lawsuits waiting to happen). And I would pick a town (hometown, college, a friends place, anywhere) and get away from him. There are counselors, shelters, all sorts of places that will help you. Call your mother. Stay with her if you want. But he is controlling you. I don't see how it can get better. But it can get far worse I fear...0 -
Just break up.
then quit!
No, don't quit. Unless, you go away to college. Let him fire you or decrease your hours. Then sue.
A-men
You're 19 - If I knew then what I know now?! (I know cliche)
You're not married - From everything I've read here, marriage is the last thing on his mind.
You're mean? - Oh come on! I'm a guy and that's STILL a LAME *kitten* excuse!
He got pi$$y when you said you wanted an education? - All the more reason to get one! Sounds like his Master's didn't teach him a thing!
Bottom line opinion - Get your big girl panties on, get yourself to college, quit helping on paying for his mistake, Find some new friends, Get a support group (Wait! You have one here it looks like
), And LIVE LIFE!
Good Luck and Success!0 -
You were 16 when you got together.
9 yrs. difference in age?
He was 25 and you were 16??
If I read it right.
Run from the pervert.
He has major control issues.
Maybe you have gotten to old for him.
By the way if he won't come and see you and is not having sex with you.
He is cheating.....sorry.:flowerforyou:
ALL OF THIS!!! I was also doing the math of when they got together. You're wayyyyyy to young to be dealing with that chit. If you want to go to college....GO!!!!!!!
Just my two coins....0 -
I left a relationship of 3 years when I was 19, and 400 miles away from home, so I understand how scary it is. You're trying to become an adult, and he's been your best friend and your rock for 3 years. When I dumped my crazy, manipulative ex (who stopped calling me and never wanted to talk to me...), I think I cried more because I felt like I had just escaped hell. I realized that I never loved him the way a person is supposed to love some one.
It's terrifying, but it's also liberating. Do you even know who you are outside of this relationship? He sounds quite stifling. If you stop looking at this as an ending, and start looking at it as the beginning of a new, and better life- the fear turns into excitement.
I think the fact that he was a 25 year old dating a 16 year old is a huge indicator that he wants a child to do his bidding, and not a woman to share his life with. You deserve someone who treats you like an equal.0 -
If you want to go to college you should!!! If you don't you will resent it and your boyfriend for the rest of your life. It really seems as though you two are moving in different directions. A few other people suggested keeping the money separate.....I AGREE!! You may need an escape fund. At 19.....there's so much of life ahead of you and so many fish in the sea! Don't cheat yourself!0
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