What if your husband or wive wants to know...?

Mr_Bad_Example

I wouldn't be with a dude if he cared or was pushy about knowing. That said....

I freely talk about my older lovers with my husband and he freely talks about his old lovers.

I wouldn't even call them 'lovers', per se... more like... old 'likers' who didn't know what they were doing.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I wouldn't be with a dude if he cared or was pushy about knowing. That said....

I freely talk about my older lovers with my husband and he freely talks about his old lovers.

I wouldn't even call them 'lovers', per se... more like... old 'likers' who didn't know what they were doing.

Truth.

SomeoneSomeplace

I'm not ashamed of how many people I've hooked up with I'd say it's an average number. I don't believe in hiding things from someone I'm dating. I don't want to date someone whose going to judge me for my past anyway, especially decisions about sex.

edge_dragoncaller

The problem with this whole topic, is that it is too subjective. To each person the discussion itself may or may not be important and to each individual the Number may or may not be acceptable... pretty easy to judge though if you get an idea of how jealous and/or possessive they naturally are. My wife and I have had this discussion and in the end we were about equal and this talk happened before we were married and it really changed nothing. We both had the "one-nighters" and the "serious" and the F-Buddy, so there was really no judgment.

My suggestion.... if you can tell your significant other is the possessive jealous type...avoid the subject...or lie.

Ruthe8

I think the only time it would matter is if one of the partners was a virgin. That would be something I'd want to know.

The situation in question is a spouse asking after 6 months of marriage. If your spouse is a virgin at that point I think there are some real issues.

LifestyleChange33

I have always told my Love that if he asks a question, I will answer it, but he better be sure he wants to know the answer. Or just get all coy and tell him he is the only one you can remember, and the only one you want (then pounce).

Positive_Thinker

What a waste of time...Life is too short for all that. :yawn:

summertime_girl

I want to know. Numbers too high make me a little queasy. And any additions to the number since we've been together will be a problem.

FabMrFox

lol he's just trying to see where he ranks and how big the field was

AmyFett

I don't see why it's an issue at all. As long as no one is diseased, why's it matter? I've been friends with my husband for 5 years before we dated, I knew he was a man *kitten*, but he wasn't a cheater or player. Just had sex a lot, and also wasn't stupid about it. However, I did make him get tested before we did anything.

spikefoot

If you can't express yourself openly and without judgement then why marry the person? Hiding and lying stuff is no fun....

It is the little things that bring you closer..it is these small things that create a division or the inability to ever really truly bond and accept each other unconditionally.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

We have not had this discussion, we've been together for 10 years. I told him I don't want to know his, and he doesn't need to know mine.

FabMrFox

I want to know. Numbers too high make me a little queasy. And any additions to the number since we've been together will be a problem.

This also...don't give a fake number you are married be honest just in case they write it down and ask again 10 years from now...better be the same just sayin

Sarah_Wins

Nothing good can come of answering that question, and I don't want to know his answer either.

feltlikesound

I don't think sharing a list or numbers is necessary, BUT you do need to be candid about your sexual experiences. For example, do you have up to date STD testing? Have you experienced ____________? Have you had negative experiences with ____________? That information is the actual key, not some number which reflects little to nothing about sexuality, but instead I think is something people want to know based on their own insecurity. How many people do they feel compared to, are they less experienced, more experienced, do you have a similar moral code, etc.

Now that you mention it, I have no idea how many people my wife has slept with, and it never really crossed my mind to ask her -- though we have talked about our past relationships, etc. I could not place a number on her "conquests" if I tried. Similarly, I am not sure she would have a clue how many people I've slept with either. To each their own, though. If she asked, I would tell her, it isn't top secret info.

Edited to fix my absolutely atrocious typing.

GTOgirl1969

If you're going to ask that question, do it before the "I do's"....and be prepared not to like the answer.

If you do it after getting married, it's probably going to start an argument - so don't be surprised when you get one.

kimosabe1

I'm married and he's never even asked. It would probably take awhile because I honestly forgot. It's not like a tally number I keep in my head anyways..... Basically it's a huge crock! What would it matter??? Would he label you a hoe? Would he feel super studly because his number is bigger? He sounds young. It might be time for him to grow up.....

karenwill2

I tell my husband I have been with thousands including a football team, a marching band and an all boy's school. That was a great weekend. Just kidding! The point is, why does it matter? That number ain't going up so who cares now. It is too late to ask now. I do say that to my hubby though and he talks about the millions of girls he was with prior to me. We say things like, "in my vast experience..." but never an actual number. That would be creepy

geonbaeLeilee

I told my husband, and he told me a general amount. It was while we were just talking and before we got together. He knows I have been with one person. He knows also that I have been sexually abused and raped. I believe in full disclosure with him, just because I have a lot of issues in that area of my life. I dont know his "number". I know he has been with a lot of women. I dont care to know his number specifically.

^^This exactly for me.

My SO, though, was with no one before me.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

If you can't express yourself openly and without judgement then why marry the person? I don't mean specifically for you or as an attack but hiding and lying stuff is no fun....

It is the little things that bring you closer..it is these small things that create a division or the inability to ever really truly bond and accept each other unconditionally.

It's also sometimes the little things that can cause drifts. I'm a little bit if a jealous person. I recognize and appreciate the fact that my husband had a life before me. I love that he had a life before me, I had a life before him that brings on fond memories. I can recognize this and appreciate this without all the details. Kind of like, I know he was born, but I don't want to see the movie. Not sharing the details of my life before him isn't lying, it's protecting both of us from unnecessary jealousy about a past that can't be altered. Why reconcile things from a period of time when you weren't in each others lives?

GaidenJade

Personally I always advocate honesty in a relationship, if he can't handle it now that you're married, perhaps you should have talked BEFORE the marriage. And I should have quote someone who actually said your spouse doesn't have to be your best friend. Seriously? Okay, I guess yeah having a BFF that is someone outside of the relationship is good, but the saying Best friend when it pertains to your spouse means something deeper. He should, in time, know you better than ANYONE!! Lack of communication and honesty is what destroys marriages. You have to want it. YOu have to work for it. It isn't easy and it isn't supposed to be. I've been with my husband for 13 year and married for 4. So I'm not just blowing hot air here. And I'm sure others would back this up who have been married for longer.

Now I don't know what brought this on, his curiosity perhaps? It might have been an idle question, but when you rejected answering it, I'm sure now he's guessed the number is pretty high, or else you wouldn't be so embarrassed to tell him. I mean he is your husband. Why not tell him? Are you afraid he'll see you differently?

Why is it that people never think of this before they find that one? Anyway, I don't really care how anyone lives their livs, it's not my business. But since you posted....... Just tell him. If you're so embarrassed then tell him that too. Seriously is it worth making a big deal out of? In his mind he is your husband and he (I would think) doesn't understand why you want to keep secrets. Secrets destroy. You are making this bigger than it needs to be. People are soo jaded these days. It really makes life harder than needs be.

Edited to answer your other question. How does it better the marriage? Well it might not. But hiding things, keeping secrets and private regrets or insecurities most definitely will hurt it. Though you know, everybody gets divorced these days. Who cares right?

Jersey_Devil

just tell him any number and end the fighting. lol

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lachesissss

These are situations in which you either have to be completely honest, or fudge some numbers. Otherwise you're just asking for an implosion.

bunchesonothing

Obligated? Well, this is a person you are spending the rest of your life with, why not be as open with them as possible? It shouldn't feel like an "obligation". That said, my husband and I both told each other how many people we had been with before we were married. Not the most comfortable subject, but he was curious and in turn I was too.

I THINK it matters.... only in relation to your sex life. So really the question isn't about the number of partners, but there must be an underlying question like, "How do you know all this wild and kinky stuff?" ORRRRRR.... "How come she doesn't really know anything about sex?"

These. Personally, if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, there is no piece of information I would feel was too private. I'm sharing all of me. All of my life, my dreams and my desires, past and present.

bunchesonothing

And also, some relationships can bear this question with no issues. Some people aren't jealous and it's more of a curious thing.

And even if they were, it should be up to the person asking, to know enough about themselves not to ask questions whose answers will open them up to a jealous fit.

Mr_Bad_Example

My theory on the issue:

The somewhat insecure significant other says, "How could you have been with anyone before me? Please tell me I'm the best."

The confident significant other says, "That's nice, dear. Now let me show you what those other losers didn't know."

i_love_vinegar

I have a pretty clean track-record, but I've made-out with 4 guys total. One of them I asked, "How many girls have you had sex with?" out of curiosity because he looked like a model but couldn't even kiss...his answer was, "one or two." :laugh: I was like, "You can't remember if you have had sex with more than one person?!"

My point is, if you fudge numbers make sure everything adds up. You don't want to be talking about the third guy you had been with, Larry, when your husband catches you with, "Larry? I thought you had only been with Ben and Jerry('s)"

deksgrl

Always cut it in half!!!

If you cut one in half, would that equal a midget?

Well, he was very very small..... hence the experience wasn't repeated. :bigsmile:

neverstray

I still can't get over that people know what that number is. it kind of blows my mind.