My Boyfriend Is Not Into Fitness - HELP!
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No, nothing is wrong with finding him unattractive. A girl doesn't have to be in the greatest shape of her life, but she has to take nutrition, fitness and her health as seriously I do. If not, she wouldn't be compatible and we'd have way too much drama if she were not on the same page as myself. I've tried and it simply doesn't work for me.The guy I'm seeing is a bit over weight, and though we've been dating for a year, one of the reasons why I started getting into shape is so that he can see that this is a lifestyle that I am taking seriously and a lifestyle that i would like him to follow. He says that he has been eating healthier but he rarely goes to the gym, he says its because of work, he gets in at 6:30 AM and sometimes leaves at 7:30 PM but I personally feel that if you really want to get in shape you will MAKE the time...
here are my concerns:
1. Is it bad that I am getting a bit unattracted to him, (I'm still with him and we are trying to make it work)
2. If this is the man I want in my future, is it ok that I want my future husband and father of my kids to be fit and able to chase after my kids and all that good stuff?
3. His family is very unhealthy and I feel like he is following the same road
... Is it too much to ask for someone that I like to get into shape....any advice please!
You can't pressure someone to engage in activity or a lifestyle they are against. You can TRY to get him, but there is no guarantee he will adopt the same healthy habits as you.
Many people may not like my stance here, but you should try to date someone who is on your level. As I said earlier, it will save you from a lot of stress and drama.0 -
I tend to find that love comes before attraction. I'm not saying attraction isn't important; what I am saying is that when you begin to really, truly love someone, you begin to love the way they look because that is who they are. Even though my boyfriend is in good shape and I am not (yet), he has said that he finds me attractive and that he always will, and that he supports me in my weight loss because it is making me the happy and confident person I deserve to be.
It's natural to want your partner to be happy and healthy, but if you aren't willing to accept him as he is until he's ready to take that step, then maybe you should call it quits. He's probably not the one for you.
Thank you and I'm probably not the one for him but I do love him and that's one of the reasons why I am still with him. Anyways, hoping for the best. Thanks again!
I hope so, too! And I do hope he finds the time to start exercising.
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It's kind of sad how when someone posts something honest that may not be politically correct or necessarily what we might want to hear (as in the truth), the thread turns into an old fashioned Salem witch burning!
The OP posted about a real and valid issue and I don't see why people can't just offer up their perspectives without the personal attacks. It's like a modern day "stoning" on this forum some times.
The truth is, sexual attraction and fitness is an honest topic, and while unpleasant to address (none of us are *that shallow*, right? Uh huh.....) it's probably a topic worth taking on. Don't hate on people for bringing up the hard issues.
Some people work through these issues easier than others. Let's show some compassion even when we disagree. Attack the issue not the poster.0 -
If you love him, you accept him. I love my husband, and he's a moron and wants to get in shape too and get healthy mainly, but he lacks the conviction. He'll get there someday. You haven't even been together a year, if it's bothering you now, move on. i think you're being a big selfish though.
:laugh: Your man is a lucky man.
When I first met my wife, I was a 42 waist. She was a 2 and ran marathons. I got my *kitten* in gear and when we got married (two years later), I was a size 34. In my ten years of being married, we have both put the weight on (kids. More her than me). Not once did I ever feel she was getting too fat, or felt unattracted to her because of a few pounds. She never got bigger than an 8 (post baby). She also never stopped running. I got as big as a 40 again. But she said she never really noticed it until we looked at photo albums and stuff. You can see what I look like now. She is not as defined as she was, but damn she still gives me wood. I saw her pudge, but I'm in love with her as a whole person. Not just the physical looks. My point is, it sounds like you only have a physical attraction to him. It's natrual. If you feel unattracted to him because he isn't following suit as you are, move on. Be fair to him. But think about what you're asking for. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Good luck on your situation.
Edited for spelling0 -
It's kind of sad how when someone posts something honest that may not be politically correct or necessarily what we might want to hear (as in the truth), the thread into an old fashioned Salem witch burning!
The OP posted on real and valid issue and I don't see why people can't just offer up their perspectives without the personal attacks. It's like a modern day "stoning" on this forum some times.
The truth is, sexual attraction and fitness is an honest topic, and while unpleasant to address (none of us are *that shallow*, right? Uh huh.....) it's probably a topic worth taking on. Don't hate on people for bringing up the hard issues.
Some people work through these issues easier than others. Let's show some compassion even when we disagree.
Thank you
It's always easy for people to say certain things when they are hiding behind a computer but I have to remind myself that these are people that I will never meet. I came here for advice and though it may seem shallow to some people my original intent was concern for my boyfriend and our future and that pertains to everything from health, looks, sex, diet, fitness....
thanks again.0 -
If you love him, you accept him. I love my husband, and he's a moron and wants to get in shape too and get healthy mainly, but he lacks the conviction. He'll get there someday. You haven't even been together a year, if it's bothering you now, move on. i think you're being a big selfish though.
:laugh: Your man is a lucky man.
When I first met my wife, I was a 42 waist. She was a 2 and ran marathons. I got my *kitten* in gear and when we got married (two years later), I was a size 34. In my ten years of being married, we have both put the weight one (kids. More her than me). Not once did I ever feel she was getting too fat, or felt unattracted to her because of a few pounds. She never got bigger than an 8 (post baby). She also never stopped running. I got as big as a 40 again. But she said she never really noticed it until we looked at photo albums and stuff. You can see what I look like now. She is not as defined as she was, but damn she still gives me wood. My point is, it sounds like you only have a physical attraction to him. It's natrual. If you feel unattracted to him because he isn't following suit as you are, move on. Be fair to him. But think about what you're asking for. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Good luck on your situation.
That's awesome and thanks for responding.
I never told him he was fat and was unattractive. We still are attracted to each other but this post was created for advice on how to get your significant other into fitness....0 -
No, nothing is wrong with finding him unattractive. A girl doesn't have to be in the greatest shape of her life, but she has to take nutrition, fitness and her health as seriously I do. If not, she wouldn't be compatible and we'd have way too much drama if she were not on the same page as myself. I've tried and it simply doesn't work for me.The guy I'm seeing is a bit over weight, and though we've been dating for a year, one of the reasons why I started getting into shape is so that he can see that this is a lifestyle that I am taking seriously and a lifestyle that i would like him to follow. He says that he has been eating healthier but he rarely goes to the gym, he says its because of work, he gets in at 6:30 AM and sometimes leaves at 7:30 PM but I personally feel that if you really want to get in shape you will MAKE the time...
here are my concerns:
1. Is it bad that I am getting a bit unattracted to him, (I'm still with him and we are trying to make it work)
2. If this is the man I want in my future, is it ok that I want my future husband and father of my kids to be fit and able to chase after my kids and all that good stuff?
3. His family is very unhealthy and I feel like he is following the same road
... Is it too much to ask for someone that I like to get into shape....any advice please!
You can't pressure someone to engage in activity or a lifestyle they are against. You can TRY to get him, but there is no guarantee he will adopt the same healthy habits as you.
Many people may not like my stance here, but you should try to date someone who is on your level. As I said earlier, it will save you from a lot of stress and drama.
Thank you.0 -
I think you need to talk to him, honestly and openly, about how you feel. Maybe if he's struggling with time to go to the gym, offer to go with him, or arrange high-energy activities like hikes and bike rides on the weekends?
My work makes it very hard to get any exercise in, so I have to force the issue by bicycling to work - much as my wife might occasionally complain about my leaving really early and getting home late (it's an hour each way), it is quite literally the only way I can get a solid workout in - if I'm at work someone is always needing something, and when I get home it's "family time". I sympathize with his troubles in that, and it sounds like you are more supportive of his exercise time (but if you aren't, you need to evaluate that).0 -
one of the reasons why I started getting into shape is so that he can see that this is a lifestyle that I am taking seriously and a lifestyle that i would like him to follow.
This is the problem. The guy needs to make his own decisions. Something you force him into will not stick.
Also, if you're starting to become unnatracted to him, either bring it up or break it off.
Just my opinion.0 -
Well, you have a host of items to consider.
It sounds like emotionally, you may do better for yourself to take some time to work through self-esteem issues. Sure, you say you love the guy, but when you have self-esteem issues, it's easy to feel like you love someone when in fact you are settling for the best you think you can hope for.
If you want someone to be the father of your children and to be healthy and active, then you might want to lay that out on the table for him. You know, just say "Boyfriend, I am concerned about your weight and health, and the impact it will have on you in the future. Frankly, I think we could have a wonderful life together, possibly leading to marriage and children. You're a hard worker, you have a good job, emotionally we seem to be a good fit, etc. I don't know if my current emphasis on healthy living might turn out to be a phase - but I'm hoping that living healthy is a permanent change in me. You know, you actually helped inspire me to begin taking care of myself better, because when we first met, you were working out at the gym and it seemed you were concerned about taking good care of yourself as well. And I know, I still have more work for myself to do towards my goal of living and being healthly. Lately though, it feels like you aren't as concerned about your health; you aren't going to the gym and you aren't worried so much about what you eat. I see your health declining as you gain weight. And I know it's tough with some of the long shifts you pull. Are you concerned about your health and the foundation you are setting for the future? Because if you are, I'd like to help and work through this with you so that you can still get a couple of workouts in during the week. But if you aren't, please be honest with me. I don't want the potential future father of my children being someone who can't keep up with his kids and develops preventable health issues like cardiovascular disease or diabetes at an early age... I want someone who I can share and enjoy life with for a very long time and hopefully grow old together gracefully".
He might feel outraged/insulted. If that's an initial reaction, let it slide. Most people have a hard time with criticism. Let him think about it for a few days. (not weeks or months). If he's still outraged, I'd say the relationship is done. He might - or might not - decide to work out after your relationship breaks up - and if he does - he might - or might not - later on come to realize that you meant well. But don't wait around to see if that happens. Go work on yourself, figure out what you need to do to strengthen your own self-esteem and do that.
Alternatively, he might feel flattered that you care enough about his health to say something. He might even agree to start working out again. Give him plenty of pats on the back!
Then again, he might simply say - he likes that you are doing this for yourself, that you care enough to encourage him, but that he simply isn't ready to commit to a living healthy at this time. You need to decide for yourself whether you want to stay with him or not. If his looks and health are deal-breakers for you, you may decide to break it off. If they aren't deal-breakers, then you need to accept him as he is - and accept that he may continue to gain weight over time. I would say if you aren't attracted to him, though, you seriously need to think about whether to continue a relationship where you aren't that attracted to the person anymore.
Another thing - he might not be viewing YOU as LTR material - and his reaction might showcase that too. In which case, you need to be prepared to dust off his rejection of you as fitting his image of his future, go out, do things for yourself, and over time, you'll undoubtedly find someone else that may or may not be a better fit for you.0 -
I came here for advice and though it may seem shallow to some people my original intent was concern for my boyfriend and our future and that pertains to everything from health, looks, sex, diet, fitness....
thanks again.
You aren't the only person who finds physically fit people more attractive. You are just one of the few willing to admit it.
As painful as it is for some of us, we all know that fitness is considered a desirable trait - by society. We can lament that this is the way society is, and it may not be fair, but it is what it is.
Sure, there is attraction beyond the just the physical, and many people don't get hung up or concerned about the physical aspect of their mates - but many do. You made it clear you valued other things about your BF. Your original posting seemed pretty innocuous to me.
Honestly, how many of us have gotten into shape and wished our partners would do the same (for a variety of reasons)? I bet many of us.0 -
Drussander... THANK YOU! Well said. Jusy because someone doesn't think like you do doesn't give them the right to insult you. Again... that's just a way to make THEMSELVES feel "holier than tho." Be realistic people. I love lots of people but don't want to have sex with them! And without sex- there's no healthy relationship. I've been married over 20 yrs. I've gained & lost- so has he. The thing is... I WANT him to be attracted to me. He WANTS me to be attracted to him.. not just "do it." Lol. so we not only try to remain in decent shape for ourselves, but yes FOR EACH OTHER. If I know he likes beer, I don't by wine for him. Its called respect for your patners feelings. It works both ways. Would YOU want your lover just going thru the motions knowing they weren't turned on at all? Hell no.:bigsmile:0
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If he really wants to be with you he will consider your lifestyle change and do the same as you. Yes, he is tired when he gets home from work but working out helps that problem. When I started getting back in shape and working out I had more energy for the entire day even though I was working a full day then going to the gym, it's win/win for how he feels. If he starts to work out it is also win/win for your relationship. You will start noticing changes and you will have those feelings of attractiveness towards him that you had when you started dating. Keep pushing him, he will either get on board or the relationship will probably end. Good luck0
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I agree with most the people on here I feel sorry for him, just because you want him to change doesn't mean he should if he doesn't want to. If you don't love him exactly as he is then he deserves someone who does and you should break it to him gently and find yourself a gym bunny, give him my number on your way out I'm not as shallow.
I guess you're right but if I as that shallow I would have left him a year ago, instead I did fall for an awesome guy, the only concern is his health and that to me is something major. Especially if its someone I want to be with in the long run.
You said in your original post that he is "a bit overweight". A "bit" overweight is not likely going to be a factor that will affect his/your life in any significant way.0 -
It's kind of sad how when someone posts something honest that may not be politically correct or necessarily what we might want to hear (as in the truth), the thread turns into an old fashioned Salem witch burning!
The OP posted about a real and valid issue and I don't see why people can't just offer up their perspectives without the personal attacks. It's like a modern day "stoning" on this forum some times.
The truth is, sexual attraction and fitness is an honest topic, and while unpleasant to address (none of us are *that shallow*, right? Uh huh.....) it's probably a topic worth taking on. Don't hate on people for bringing up the hard issues.
Some people work through these issues easier than others. Let's show some compassion even when we disagree. Attack the issue not the poster.
The OP needs to be honest with her SO and tell him what she told us. If he chooses not to make an effort then it is her problem to deal with. She can either decide it's not a deal breaker and stay or it is a deal breaker and go.
I will say this... when I am putting in 12-13 hour days at work getting to the gym is pretty low priority. Crazy stuff like sleep, personal hygiene, and maintenance of my home tend to push gym lower on my priority list.0 -
If he really wants to be with you he will consider your lifestyle change and do the same as you. Yes, he is tired when he gets home from work but working out helps that problem. When I started getting back in shape and working out I had more energy for the entire day even though I was working a full day then going to the gym, it's win/win for how he feels. If he starts to work out it is also win/win for your relationship. You will start noticing changes and you will have those feelings of attractiveness towards him that you had when you started dating. Keep pushing him, he will either get on board or the relationship will probably end. Good luck
Since when were relationships about one person changing to meet the other persons standards? He shouldn't have to do what the OP wants to keep her if its not what he wants. Relationships are about talking issues through and compromising. I'd say the OP needs to lay her cards on the table and tell him exactly how she is feeling and try and find some middle ground between his lifestyle now and what she thinks would be suitable. If it turns out you have different ideas on how you want to live your life together then you need to look at whether the relationship is worth persuing.0 -
I want someone I can succeed with, not succeed and hope they get it. On the other hand, if I love someone, I have to hope that they are strong enough and brave enough to want to be better people.
So I would ask myself, Is it his lack of desire to workout and get in shape and his slight tubbiness that bothers me, or is it the fact that he doesnt seem to have ambitions or expectations that he is trying to meet so he can grow as a person consistently.
Is it because of his size and lifestyle?
or
Is it because of his lack of interest in leveling up and preference to keep the status quo?
This is sooooo true!0 -
If he really wants to be with you he will consider your lifestyle change and do the same as you. Yes, he is tired when he gets home from work but working out helps that problem. When I started getting back in shape and working out I had more energy for the entire day even though I was working a full day then going to the gym, it's win/win for how he feels. If he starts to work out it is also win/win for your relationship. You will start noticing changes and you will have those feelings of attractiveness towards him that you had when you started dating. Keep pushing him, he will either get on board or the relationship will probably end. Good luck
Since when were relationships about one person changing to meet the other persons standards? He shouldn't have to do what the OP wants to keep her if its not what he wants. Relationships are about talking issues through and compromising. I'd say the OP needs to lay her cards on the table and tell him exactly how she is feeling and try and find some middle ground between his lifestyle now and what she thinks would be suitable. If it turns out you have different ideas on how you want to live your life together then you need to look at whether the relationship is worth persuing.
It sounds like they are talking and it sounds like he is not willing to compromise. You post about talking and compromising, which is correct but you're assuming that he is the only one asked to make changes in this relationship. How do you know that there is not already lots of give and take, compromising and communication. Too many people don't put health and fitness as a high enough priority. People use their busy schedule as a reason to not exercise. B.S. It's your body, take care of it. Many people don't eat healthy food because it costs more. Again B.S. Give up the crap you eat, give up smoking or something else. Put health and fitness way higher on your list of priorities. This is coming from someone who was guilty of the above. That being said, why should one not be with someone who has the same health and fitness goals. There are many differences between two people that are very acceptable and sometimes even a good thing, health and fitness is not one of them. IMO If one is losing that physical attraction to his/her SO and they explain why to that person and that person is unwilling to do something about it, then that is a major problem. Yes, beauty is beyond skin deep, but that does not mean that you don't pay attention to the physical attraction.
There is no right/wrong answer to this topic, it's personal beliefs and experience. I respect you and the others that feel your way. I can see your side and I hope you can see were I'm coming from. 0 -
Love him for how he treats you and the small things he does that made you love him in the first place. If he isn't ready to commit to the change of exercise at least try and get him to eat a little better. Offer to make him dinner and get him to like some of the things you do. In the long run it's all up to you, and what you decide to do.0
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Sounds like you definitely jumped into another relationship, I know girls like that, jump into relationships because they don't want to be alone, I know you were with the other guy for years, but how long were you single?
This also leads into the need to change a guy you found cause you may not want to be single.. I am not that old but it seems girls that are younger seem to love doing this.. find a guy then try to change him into what you want.. There are plenty of people here that like/love their SO for however they look or how scrubby they are when bummin around.. if you aren't there then its not it...
The guy seems to work alot and is probably beat on some days to hit the gym.. or he is just getting lazy.. all us guys want to bum around at times but how overweight is he? You say you are worried about his future health but is the guy obese or has a few lbs and maybe he lost his 6 pack? If you want to stay with him maybe suggest going out to eat less and making home cooked meals more where you guys can control what goes into it..
You could always find a guy that hits the gym and looks better, but being a guy thats in the gym and hears stories.. your going to find some *kitten* that treat girls like absolute garbage.. if your looking for that, hit on those guys at the gym that stare at themselves in the mirror more than they workout..0
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