My Boyfriend Is Not Into Fitness - HELP!

feltlikesound

I get wanting to share a lifestyle and be supported, but I don't think attraction lies in turning your man into the bodies from the gym. If you are finding yourself unattracted and questioning, I think that is likely tied to bigger relationship issues than extra poundage. I obviously don't know if that's the case, but...personally I don't even begin dating someone whose activity level doesn't jive with the lifestyle i want, it's just a personal choice I made, just like you would choose a partner who wants kids if you do, wants marriage if you do, etc. You signed up for him as is, similarly he signed up for you as you were. You have some responsibility in those choices, and in "changing the rules of the game" if you are going to demand a fitness standard of him.

Topsking2010

To be honest I think you are afraid of being single. It's natural to desire a relationship but you obviously are attracted to a different type of man. You will only be unhappy staying in this relationship. Trust me there are a lot of unhappy people in relationships for different reasons.


Have the courage to move on and find the right person for you.

zachatta

You can't force anyone to do anything he has to make that decision.

Therefore: If you feel you need to be with someone who enjoys fitness, you will probably need someone else.

If not, you simply have to deal with it.

needamulligan

Be an example, Not an enforcer. You'll get farther that way!

I have to admit, I skipped a few pages. But this comment makes sense. You can only change yourself. If you truly are in this for the long term with chasing kids, etc don't forget that looks fade, bodies change. (Ask how hard baby weight is to lose!) If you love someone it should be from the inside out. My husband of 25 years has loved my through thick and thin, literally. And I can say the same, mostly figuratively!

ZudiLo

If I was the OP I wouldn't even come back to this thread again, but on the off chance that you do read this, please don't let any of these nasty comments hurt you. I know that is impossible in a certain sense because no matter what we say being mocked and insulted hurts.

You have every right to your feelings because you are your own person. We all have that right.

I cannot add to the good advice already posted by several people, it seems reasonable and I am sure you are taking that into account. I think you have handled this whole topic with grace and civility when you could have reacted quite differently. I also think that someone who was only interested in looks wouldn't be asking for advice, I understand internal conflict and it is the hardest thing to have to deal with.

It seems that by posting this topic, people took that as an open invitation to insult and dehumanize you, probably because they are afraid of that happening to them. Fat causes us to be percieved differently by the world, and I think that creates a terror and humiliation in most overweight people. I have experienced it personally, and I think most of the people posting here have as well.

I however don't take it out on innocent people asking for advice. I mostly just read topics on this forum and don't post much because I have seen what happened here happen a lot. You have to remember that this is a free forum, any person can join, and I don't put much stock in the opinions of any old person. However we are social creatures and like to reach out, in today's world public forums are normal, and I think we should try to foster a sense of community among ourselves, so from one person to another, lets be civil, even when we disagree.

Good Luck!

Thank you!

geekyjock76

Many of you giving her advice are married - she isn't, thus she has a different outlook on whether or not she should remain in the relationship or leave. Compatibility is huge for many people and, for her, fitness is one of those pursuits that she desires for herself and apparently her future significant other. If she realizes this, then it's perhaps best for her to find someone whom is more compatible with her in that realm. There are tons of nice people in this world and if she wishes to be a bit selective when considering her future, then it's her choice to make.

PomegranatePriestess

Am I the only one here wondering if this guy is ready to be told he needs to get fit for his future wife and the kids they don't have yet?

bulbadoof

I was in the same boat with my boyfriend two months ago (minus being less attracted to him - I'm almost exclusively into personality). Then I spent three weeks living in his house and he saw how terrible I felt when I ate the same food as him - I was sick, headachey, lethargic, panicky, you name it, I was it. More than anything I had ever tried to explain to him verbally, seeing the way his diet made me feel really opened his eyes to how much better he might feel if he started to eat a little better. Now he's on MFP and has lost over 10% of his starting body weight already. He feels great physically and mentally, and he's so glad that we can do this together.

That said, our relationship is serious, we have a lot in common outside of fitness, and we intend to be together for a long time. If you're not that into him, it's probably not worth your effort.

Hendrix7

Put green coffee bean extract in his drink and he will be ripped in no time.

eecruzmd

Would you like someone in your life to change who you are? NO, then stop trying to change someone else. If you are starting to feel that your attraction towards him is vanishing then that is not the man of your life. That is not love at all.

You love people for who they are, what they are and not their appearance. Don't be shallow.

Awkward30

Personally? My personal opinion? It's not his problem. You started a relationship with him the way he is. If you started a relationship hoping to change him, and because you can't you don't fancy him anymore, then I feel more sorry for you than I do for him.

Maybe he doesn't want to get in shape? Did you ask him his intentions before you started seeing him?

Sorry to seem unsympathetic, but I have absolutely no sympathy for you.

A lifestyle you want him to follow? Outrageous. He is a grown man and can make his own chaoices.

We are all here because we want to be, not because some girl is telling us to be.

You asked for my opinion, you got it.

I agree. If you start a relationship with a person, you can't then dislike them continuing to be the way they've always been.

That said, I now wouldn't date someone who wasn't into fitness because we wouldn't have enough in common lifestyle-wise. I want to go for walks and bike rides, I want to play frisbee and go dancing... and I want someone who wants to join me

Also, I say end it. I wouldn't want someone to stay with me if they weren't attracted to me.

Anyways, I'm saving myself for Hendrix7 ^^

yo_andi

Put green coffee bean extract in his drink and he will be ripped in no time.

Hilarious!

MyPresent

You mentioned that being healthy is a lifestyle for you. It involves goals in life, beliefs, health, your future kids and how you want to raise them, etc...I know you are not a mom, I am not either, but I do think of my health and how that would be very important when I have kids in the future. To me it looks like you have to have a serious conversation with him about your goals, your dreams, the way you want to raise your children, the lifestyle you want to maintain, etc. and see whether you two share the same ideals in life. I really think that your goals and your boyfriend goals should be going on the same direction, but looks like you two want different things. Maybe after talking about all this with him he could realize and even change his mind about his health and lifestyle, but at the end if he is happy the way he is and does not plan on changing anything, then I think you have to break the relationship for the best.

luna16belle

guy...
I just realize I am attracted to the guys with the nice bodies at the gym.....

This sounds more like an issue with LOOKS, not health. Sorry, but true You love someone for who they are. If you don't love him for who his IS instead of how he looks......end it. You both will be better off in the end.

She never said she DIDNT love him for who he was. And quite frankly looks are important in a relationship. Wanting your partner to be physically attractive isnt shallow or to be looked down upon in anyway at all. Its a natural human reaction.
OP maybe you could suggest to do some fitness activities together, fun ones like badminton or something. Good luck xx

MyM0wM0w

There's nothing wrong with wanting the person you are with to be healthy and there's nothing wrong with having reasonable expectations.

There were a few red flags though in your posts. For instance you said that you are no longer attracted to him. He wasn't thin and then got heavier after you met. He hasn't made any changes. You're the one who liked him before and now you want HIM to change to conform to what you think is attractive and "healthy". That's not fair to him.

Also, in one of your posts you mention that the reason you posted was for help in "getting him to be more health conscious" or something along those lines. You can offer healthy foods and offer to work out WITH him but you can't "GET" anyone to do something they don't want too. He's not a puppy that you can train, he's an adult male with a mind.

You also mentioned that he is "Happy" and if any thing it is you who are "disappointed". Do you honestly believe he's not going to pick up on your disappointment at SOME point and feel bad about himself? HOw fair is that to him?

Either accept him and love him for who he is or let him go NOW so he can find someone who does. Stringing him along is cruel and the longer you hang on to him the more cruel it will be to him when you leave.

fatboypup

fatboypup

DarthH8

I feel sorry for anyone trying to decipher anything out of this. There's so many different philosophies regarding the correct way to deal with the situation or what the situation entails... I'm telling you guys there is not going to be enough information for you to give her good advice on this... this is like one on one get to know her and her boyfriend, be somewhat experienced with relationship dynamics, and then maybe tread super carefully in what you say sort of stuff.... And even at that point... you are still essentially going behind his back to fix a problem they should be capable of fixing on their own. If they cannot fix it they will not last through anything that is actually tough.... Unless staying with someone forever is not the point. Then do whatever.

Edit: Kudos to Zudilo for seeing the flaws in asking that question as fast as she did... most people on here try to stand there ground for days.

Scottish_charlene_84

I dont understand what you changing ur life style has got to do with him? I live a healthy life style. My husband is lazy and wont put a vegetable past his lips. I dont like the way he lives but i cant moan at him for what he chooses to do. its his life and his body!

you are absolutely right its his life and body but if you are going to commit yourself to one individual because you love them so much, wouldn't you want the other person to be healthy also, for your future and your kids?

Yeah but me wanting him to b healthy and feeling like i didnt want to be with him are 2 completely different thing. i dont agree with what he does but i dont want to be with him any less. my little girl has me as a positive role model and it will b made very clear that daddys life style is not the way to go.

DarthH8

I dont understand what you changing ur life style has got to do with him? I live a healthy life style. My husband is lazy and wont put a vegetable past his lips. I dont like the way he lives but i cant moan at him for what he chooses to do. its his life and his body!

you are absolutely right its his life and body but if you are going to commit yourself to one individual because you love them so much, wouldn't you want the other person to be healthy also, for your future and your kids?

Yeah but me wanting him to b healthy and feeling like i didnt want to be with him are 2 completely different thing. i dont agree with what he does but i dont want to be with him any less. my little girl has me as a positive role model and it will b made very clear that daddys life style is not the way to go.

And that my friends is what we call good parenting. Love when I see that people can easily pinpoint a possible issue, ie. health education for her child, and make it abundantly clear on the correct way to live.