RANT: I hate my teenager

Hellbent_Heidi

I don't have any kids, so I'm not going to judge your use of the word "hate", because if I had a teenager, I would probably hate them sometimes too!

Anyway, just wanted to say good luck with this. I have an almost-40-year-old brother-in-law who NEVER got past that stage of behavior and its VERY distrubing to see this in someone who should be out on their own. He lived with my mother-in-law who passed away in August, and as soon as her husband started trying to throw him out, he began making suicide threats and just last week got fired his job after failing a random drug test. He now has no job, no car, no license (never tried to get it back after multiple DUI arrests over 10 years ago), and no ambition to change these things.

Its one thing to be going through this at 18...its quite another to live your entire adult life that way...so I really hope he gets a handle on it. In my opinion, tough-love is a good thing and even if its hard for you to do...you need to stick to your guns!

EDITED to add my husband is the youngest of four sons all by the same two parents....one is deceased, but the oldest has a great wife of 20 years, two very well adjusted daughters, and is the owner of a very successful small business. My husband has a great job, we have a nice home and a lot of nice 'toys'. My point is.....these judgemental people who are saying its your fault because you raised him are idiots. No matter how much you love them, give them or do for them, you're still raising an individual and sometimes they end up with habits and traits that have nothing to do with the ethics you tried to instill in them.

justmyalias

I feel for you.
I have a very difficult 17 yo here.
I would not give the passport to him. I would burn it first.
He may have legal rights to access the document - but he can go stand in the line, pay for it, and wait 8 weeks to receive it.
THAT is his right.
Like HELL I would worry about whether he can go drink on his 18th birthday.
Seriously??
And if he would be just happy living in an apartment, tell him to start packing.

My son has actually told me, and I think he truly meant it, that we were not hard enough on him at times.
Probably not.

chubbygirl253

he sounds spoiled. if you pay for everything and don't make him go to school he will be living with you till he's 30 and will probably never finish school or get a job.

I admit I don't have kids but I was one once. And I know my mama wouldn't have said she HATED me no matter what. Actually, I don't think she has ever used that word around me in reference to anyone.

I also know that I'm 35 but most of my friends my age have younger parents. My mom is 68, my dad would be 85 if he were still living. My dad was military and born in the 1920's before the depression. My mom was born in the 40's and raised down south. If that doesn't paint the picture of strict parents I don't know what does. We were always loved, never abused. But we were taught manners, respect, and consequences for our choices. None of my peers growing up had parents as strict as mine. But limits make kids feel safe and loved. I see kids today talking to their parents just any kind of way and it makes me cringe. They cuss their parents. OMG my mama would snatch me bald. And as far as I can tell any kid who treats his parents with disrespect has no respect for themselves either. But it starts when they're small.

LuckyAng

Thank goodness my parents didn't have access to social networking sites when I was a teen! Good grief. He's not supposed to have it all figured out at this stage of his life. I don't know anyone who did. That's not to say that it's time for him to start figuring it out. Your first step to helping him with that is getting off of MFP and no longer bashing your son and stating that you hate him. If that's how you really feel about him, trust me, he knows it and is likely acting out because of it.

Before you ask, yes I do have teenagers of my own. Two of them, and I would never bash them on a public forum to a bunch of strangers.

lindsyrox

i realize there are already 10 pages of replies but dont let all these comments trying to make his actions and attitude your fault because that's not necessarily true. My brother and i are polar opposites, he lives off state assistance, has no job etc whereas i bought my first house at 23. We are only 1.5 years apart and raised by the same parents.

Just be strong, stick to your guns and let him pout. if he doesnt like something enough maybe he'll decide to make changes (get a job, move out etc).

JohnMessmer

Assuming that if she has the passport, she, the mother purchased it, there for she owns what she purchased, she can do whatever the hell she wants with her property.

I can not speak for Canada, but here in the United States (parents generally) have to pay to obtain a birth certificate. It is clearly not ours, it is our child's, and we clearly have no reason to withhold it from them once they are old enough to take care of it for themselves, or once they are legally an adult. I would think a passport is along the same line. The parent may have purchased the item, but they purchased it for the child...much like a gift; therefore, they forfeit any right to withhold the item from it's intended recipient.

Once the child is of legal adult age, and is expected to act like an adult and is to be treated like an adult, why wouldn't you give it to them? I understand not getting them another one if they lose it, but to tell someone they are an adult and need to start acting like it while at the same time you are choosing to act like a child playing keep away, is quite hypocritical.

jenluvsushi

As someone who has a 21 year old and a toddler, I know how incredibly frustrating they can be. There have been many times we have butted heads and in fact, he chose to live with his dad when he was younger because he didn't like my rules (he ended up not liking dad's rules either but that is a whole different story)....when I talked to my sister about his behavior, she gave me some words of wisdom that I think sum it up...... There is a reason why most teenagers act like *kitten*. If they stayed sweet and kind, we would never kick them out of the nest....it is mother nature's way, LOL!

007bondage

Thanks for sharing, I know how hard this situation must be for you. :flowerforyou:

tamheath

Where do you think you went wrong?

What an a**. How many kids do you have? And I assume they're all perfect. Lucky you.

Linli_Anne

Raising children has it's frustrations - and parents need to let off steam and rant about it as well. It's the hardest job there is and you only get 1 shot at it.

Your son is turning 18, and legally he will be an adult. However, that doesn't mean that he no longer needs guidance, support, love, patience or any of the things he needed as a 4 year old.


Take a look at the site "Empowering Parents" it has a lot of great tools and resources for parenting.

tomomatic

Your little man is almost an adult and he still has some growing up to do.

Send his *kitten* to the marines or the army. They'll fix him up.
Sounds like he needs a dose of discipline.

If you had a couple more years on him, I'd advise you to send him to military school. He's too damned comfortable under your roof and he could use some tough love.

perfectingpatti

He's known this for a year. I've told him repeatedly that he's NOT getting his passport to use as a liquor ID so he'd better get his license.

Why not? Why don't you want him using his passport?

People tell me he'll grow up -- but I have my doubts. He also should have graduated HS this past June -- but not enough credits, so he's 'finishing' PT at an outreach school. But he rarely goes. And he doesn't have a job -- when at this time of year all that is required is he have a pulse. But he wants to work at a SPECIFIC place. And has no plans for post-secondary, when we can easily afford to send him.

Not everyone is cut out for college.

What frustrates me most about him is he justifies his lack of ambition and drive by saying he's 'content to live in an apartment' and he doesn't need much to be happy. Settling for less because he's too lazy and afraid of failing to try.

How are you defining success for him? So what if he wants a job that doesn't require a college degree and he wants to live in an apartment? Don't you just want his happiness? Help him find what will make him happy.

_Wits_

Sounds like many teenagers...

Just don't ever let him see the topic heading, mmk?

chcunningham

I have read most of the replys to this thread and I will agree with most, that saying/ using HATE to your child is crazy!!!! I have a 19 yr old who is not prefect but I have never had to say this about her because I instilled the fear of GOD in her at a early age. Maybe instead of posting about your kid on here try praying for him! I am a strong believer that pray changes things!!!
BTW, NOT JUDGING just replying to the post!!!!!

_Wits_

Here's some more info on this -- I realize the whole situation can not be outlined in a forum post, and I posted because our friends have very young kids, not teens, and I work in a very young office. The responses have been interesting, enlightening and entertaining. Thank you.

We found out this morning from his school during an update meeting that he hasn't been going FT -- as agreed (he's left the house to strike out on his own, got mugged by a bum and came back home to an agreement for his behavior -- FT school was one condition). He is not on track to graduate, and doesn't put out any effort.

So I told him that since he's 18 and not going to school, he is to have a FT job by the end of the month and pay rent. End of story. So he's come up with this, "oh I'm talking to a counselor about getting my GED" Always talk, no action with this guy. He always has an excuse and wants the easy way out. I said, that's great for you, but as of the end of this month you pay rent. Period, full stop. You don't pay your phone bill, cut off. You don't pay rent, you get kicked out. I told him just because we don't agree with your choices doesn't mean we don't love you. Life is hard for a high school dropout. He'll learn.

Tough love is harder on the parents, I think.

If he isn't following the agreement you had, hand him his passport, a few boxes and suitcases and tell him to get out and find his own place.

And this. Stop enabling him.

now_or_never12

Assuming that if she has the passport, she, the mother purchased it, there for she owns what she purchased, she can do whatever the hell she wants with her property.

Do the kid a favor. Show the tough love. Some people only learn from their own mistakes--the most valuable lessons often cost the most. Doesn't sound like anything is costing him much at all so how is he to learn?

Regardless of who purchased the thing it is the property of whomever it was issued to... therefore her son's property.

marcia724

Yes...i hope you didn't give him the $. Be consistant!

tlacox1

Where do you think you went wrong?

It doesn't sound to me like SHE did anything wrong! Sometimes kids just act this way no matter how good of a parent you are. You have to just let them go and find out for themselves that life is NOT easy. As a mother, it will hurt to see him struggling but you just have to know in your heart that he will be stronger for it.

TheCaren

I love the automatic assumption I keep seeing that this child is the product of bad parenting. Did mom and dad make a mistake or two along the way? They no doubt did, AS WE ALL DO. But if only bad parenting causes lazy-do nothing-no ambition kids, then how do you explain my kids, three of whom all are go-getting ambitious planners, and the fourth (not the youngest, incidentally) needs someone to light a fire under his back side to get him to do anything.

It does sound like the kid could use some tough love. However, to automatically assume this kid is a lazy-butt and therefore he has crummy parents is not only a bit harsh, but also assumes facts that we don't really have from a couple paragraphs.

EmilyRanae22

He's 18 and you still hold onto his passport for him?