RANT: I hate my teenager

BluenoserChick

That fargin kid of mine. He turns 18 next week -- legal in Alberta, Canada. He needs photo ID to go out drinking. He needs his driver's license to do it, as government ID is almost $100 and he doesn't have a job (another issue).

He's known this for a year. I've told him repeatedly that he's NOT getting his passport to use as a liquor ID so he'd better get his license.

So last night -- one week to his birthday, what does he say...... Oh, I'll need my passport for my bday next week. OMFG. Ummmm NO you are NOT getting it. I told you that you weren't, and you're not. Cue subsequent tantrum (ironically about how he's an adult).

People tell me he'll grow up -- but I have my doubts. He also should have graduated HS this past June -- but not enough credits, so he's 'finishing' PT at an outreach school. But he rarely goes. And he doesn't have a job -- when at this time of year all that is required is he have a pulse. But he wants to work at a SPECIFIC place. And has no plans for post-secondary, when we can easily afford to send him.

What frustrates me most about him is he justifies his lack of ambition and drive by saying he's 'content to live in an apartment' and he doesn't need much to be happy. Settling for less because he's too lazy and afraid of failing to try. Whose kid IS this?

karawRN

hate is a strong word for your child......

missytrishy

SOunds like he certainly needs some tough love. Don't give in on the passport! He has to deal with the real world and in the real world if he wants to go to the bar and go drinking he needs ID. I'm sure he's resourceful enough to make $100 in the next week or so. Lay it on him and be prepared to deal with the Mommy emotions But you need to stand your ground and be the parent, he's had lots of time to get this done. Best of luck and BIG HUGS!

avir8

Where do you think you went wrong?

MamaTaryn

I totally get where you are coming from. My 16 year old daughter has decided that I am the worst person forever since I refuse to let her date her 18 year old high school drop out, no-job-having, rude, disrespectful, scumbag of a boyfriend. He has since talked her into running away from home. She has been gone 2 weeks today. She calls every 3 or 4 days to tell me that she will come home only if I let her openly date this boy and allow him into my house. Needless to say... she is still gone. While I will always love her... I really hate her right now.

Kitsada

Ugh! I feel for you, it has to be very frustrating to watch.

Few kids know what they want at 18, it IS hard to decide and make life plans. One has to make them though.

I really hope you're not giving him any money... he needs to have a job. Nobody likes having a job, but if you want money, you have to have one, period. If the job you want isn't available, you gotta get another one.

You want a car? save up for one. Car insurance? that too...

Job-work-savings-responsibility. It has to build. If he is getting any sort of allowance, then theres no impetus to change the situation.

I'm not at all worried about him not being able to drink on his birthday legally... poor baby. He'll be okay. (Plus most kids figure out how to do it illegally anyways.) HIDE THE PASSPORT VERY WELL, and don't give in mom, be strong. He'll probably give you a ton of **** about it, but you're the 'real' adult here. You can do it.

Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

MamaTaryn

Where do you think you went wrong?

Why does it have to be where she went wrong? What about him?

Cheryl188

Like you said, he's an adult now and he needs to act like one. Give him his passport and it's his responsibility to take care of it. Once he's done school (and has no intent on post secondary) make him pay rent. Even if you save his rent and give it back to him later to buy a car or put a down pmt on a house or appartment, it teaches him life isn't free or easy.
Tough love is a dying art these days and it's very helpful to all parties involved.

corn63

He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM.


Enjoy.

sunnshhiine

hate is a strong word for your child......

I agree with the above comment.

Not to mention, kids are usually a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So something tells me that the parenting in his life was probably lacking somewhere along the way.

drmerc

probably bad parenting

julesboots

It sound like you are aware of the dangers of enabling him, so that's in your corner- good for you. So, does he know what the consequences will be if he doesn't work/finish high school in a certain amount of time?If he's not attending school is he expected to work and pay rent? If he's not productive does he realize that there will be a consequence (that you will actually follow through on) or are you willing to let him hang out? Your post reads like you are ready to do some hard follow through- I think? Be tough and don't negotiate- helping him become a functional adult is a lot more loving than giving in to him because it's easier in the moment (which it seems like you know). Keep doing what you're doing while pulling back on the reminders. A lot of kids tend to tune out multiple reminders because receive them as a passive aggressive maneuver, so they end up rebelling by ignoring them.

I did not have my act together AT ALL as a teenager, and I dropped out of high school. I have two graduate degrees now (one related to secondary education and work with teenagers), and I give a lot of that credit to my parents for being crystal clear about the rules in their house, and never enabling any irresponsible behavior. I could have easily remained a disaster. Good luck!

julesboots

hate is a strong word for your child......

I agree with the above comment.

Not to mention, chances are that kids are a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So something tells me that the parenting in his life was probably lacking somewhere along the way.

That's awesome and helpful.


Edit: To the OP: ignore the *****y/judgy comments from people who do not have children or whose children are under ten.

sarahliftsUP

Stories I hear like this make me terrified for having kids.. My brothers are similar to your son. And I'd to add that a mother can do all she can and still have a child that doesn't reflect who they are. My sister and I were easy to raise, didn't have to get after us about school/homework, while my brothers were very stubborn and didn't have a drive for scholastics.

You can only do as much as you can. There comes a time where people have to grow up. It's stressful worrying about him, but sometimes you just have to let go. He will probably continue to mess up, despite your words of advice or encouragement. Some people need to learn the hard way in order to figure things out.

sunnshhiine

I totally get where you are coming from. My 16 year old daughter has decided that I am the worst person forever since I refuse to let her date her 18 year old high school drop out, no-job-having, rude, disrespectful, scumbag of a boyfriend. He has since talked her into running away from home. She has been gone 2 weeks today. She calls every 3 or 4 days to tell me that she will come home only if I let her openly date this boy and allow him into my house. Needless to say... she is still gone. While I will always love her... I really hate her right now.

you don't hate HER. you hate her choices and her rebellious attitude.

No wonder kids are so screwed up these days... their parents are all going around talking about how they hate them.

kaylaandthestarcatcher

I was a little *kitten* from the ages of about 14-20
Hopefully your kid will do the same thing I did -- realize the ridiculousness of it all and try to grow up a little bit.

Cazmummyof2

hate is a strong word for your child......

Couldnt agree more i WILL support my children and raise them, they are my pride and joy!
After all i brought them into this world
It seems a bit catch 22ish, He's an adult so should do these things but then ur still being mum and not giving this adult his passport..... hmm

sunnshhiine

He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM.


Enjoy.

THIS.^^ bingo.

Litlbeast

There comes a point in their development where it's not only what the parent puts in - it's what's forming of the child's own design (consciously or unconsciously and mostly the latter). There's plenty of proof the formative years up until ages 5 - 8 make a big difference in how easily the kid learns and copes with others. But really when it comes down to work ethic and laziness, some people just have to get out there in the world and learn that when you don't work hard, you don't get ****.

(I was one of those people).

OP, I don't envy you. I've got three boys ages 4, 9 and 11. My boyfriend WAS that kid, his mom still helps us out to this day when we get in a financial bind. And I don't honestly know if I could let any of my kids go hungry or homeless if they screwed up.

He doesn't need to drink. I mean that much is obvious. All I can tell you is work on your feelings (don't ever hate your kid, work on that **** and make it 'ninjaPOOF', seriously), and steady yourself so that you can be the best wall of DEAL-WITH-IT you can be for him.

I think at that point, that's all a parent can be. A steadying piece in a future grownup's foundation.

Dreamerlove

Dont get it for him, he will have to learn to do things on his own. Eventually he will.

harvo

Good to know it is not just American kids thinking like this....

firstsip

While I will always love her... I really hate her right now.

Wow, all the hyperbolic "I hate" comments sound like something I'd expect more from the teenage kid, not the adult parent.

Cranktastic

ONE! ONE raging lunatic! AH HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

rml_16

Well ... you did raise him.

But I'm wondering why he can't have his passport? Does he not have one or he has one and you won't give it to him? And who's paying for his alcohol?

ObtainingBalance

Hate is very harsh, But I can understand why you are frustrated. What mother wouldn't be frustrated when her 18 year old boy is acting that way!?


I agree with comments, tough love. Don't get him the passport.... if he has the money to get it, he can buy it. (Which means he better get his gear into action and get a job!)

Maybe he is used to getting his way, or maybe he was spoiled when he was younger.... did you ever reward him for bad behavior? (Give him a toy when he threw a tantrum...etc)

Good luck with him.

MamaTaryn

[quote}


you don't hate HER. you hate her choices and her rebellious attitude.

No wonder kids are so screwed up these days... their parents are all going around talking about how they hate them.

Do you really think I tell her that I hate her?

EnchantedEvening

I honestly hope your son never, ever finds this rant or finds out you "hate" him.

It sounds like the typical 18-year old forgetfulness and lack of drive. Figure out a way to motivate him, but don't hate him.

Were you perfect at 18? I sure as heck wasn't, and I had to learn those life lessons to become who I am today. It's called growing up. You aren't magically an adult when you turn 18. He won't mature just because it's his birthday.

Pathetic. I feel sorry for him. He's probably a really nice guy, and here's his mother ranting about how much she HATES him simply because he forgot to get an ID. It's not like he's in jail or hooked on drugs or driving drunk.

ashleywilson316

Just because a person doesn't turn out exactly the way you would hope or has short comings does not mean that it is because the Parents went wrong. As humans we have free will. I think that the stress and conviction this woman is speaking with she tried as hard as possible to raise a good child. It's obvious to me that her child doesn't think he should have to work or obtain anything for himself.

A little tough love..and he will either sink or swim...those are his choices to make.

firstsip

OP... you're keeping his passport from him? Like, he already has a passport, and you're not letting him have it? So he'll be an adult, and you're not allowing him his legal identification because he might go drinking with it?

sunnshhiine

While I will always love her... I really hate her right now.

Wow, all the hyperbolic "I hate" comments sound like something I'd expect more from the teenage kid, not the adult parent.

Again, THIS.^^ bingo.

magj0y

Going through a similar thing with my kid. I just don't get it.
No matter how much you try and beat common sense, ethics and morals into a kid, it doesn't always stick!

It sucks, but you're going to have to come up with some tough love!
For awhile, my kid had to cook her own food taht I provided (cheap generic crap) and she wasn't eating with us.
She had no TV, no internet, nada. I can't control if she wants to succeed or not, but I can control the extras that we provide.

Suggestion;
Tell him to go pack his clothes. When he brings his stuff down tell him if he doesn't have a job in a week, or at least put out 10 applications, he needs to move.
My husband's co-worker was a horrible horrible child. She had two very supportive parents who even provided years of therapy that didn't come cheap. she never cared.
She came home on graduation day to find her stuff on the porch and her parents moved with no forwarding address. Some people are just born clueless and no matter what you do, they have to find out when they're on their own.

Sometimes it is nature, not nurture and people seem to forget that