RANT: I hate my teenager

midnight333

Where do you think you went wrong?

Why does it have to be where she went wrong? What about him?

Thank you!! He is going to be 18 and at this age old enough to know what is right and wrong. Time to stop blaming the parents, he will be old enough to drink then he is old enough to know what is right and what is wrong and how to act like an adult.

DO NOT give him the passport, he needs a tough lesson in learning what it will be like to be on his own. To take responsiblity for himself. Start now. It may be hard but we are their parents and not their friends. Good Luck!!

I completely agree my mother gave me up when I was 3 years old. My grandma raised me. I got a full-time job at age 18. I moved out when I was 19 years old borrowed money ONCE $40.00. It took me until age 25 to get my driver's license my grandmother couldn't afford driver's lessons. I'm now 41 married 16 years, no children, no debt, house is paid off. Just have to wait for my husband to retire. HATE is such a powerful word though you could say "I don't like my son's action's". My Grandmother never said the word HATE towards me or in any reference of me. I learned through God to forgive my mother and I'm glad I did. She passed away at the age of 49 I had made my peace with her way before then. I wish you the best in the future for you and your son.

firstsip

He is not getting the passport -- it's locked in the safe. As to those who blame the parents - maybe -- our message of education, education, take responsibility, be successful, go to school has obviously had the opposite effect on him.

Once he's 18, can you legally do this? I'm American (though a not-so-far south neighbor with Canadian family), and these issues have come up... but for our elderly family members, living trust, power of attorney, etc.

Do you have any court orders saying your son can't attain his legal identification? If it exists, and you're arbitrarily keeping it in a safe, I'm pretty sure you're violating your son's rights for the sake of his "lazy attitude."

This was my thought Mom want's son to have a kick up the backside and start acting like an adult, but in the process still treating him as a child by with holding the passport?

She purchased the passport. If she doesn't want to give it to him, good for her. He is an adult. He can legally get and pay for a replacement passport. Of course, this would not be an issue if he would have gotten his license in the first place.

... That's not how legal identification works. Once it "exists," it's his. It's her fault for purchasing in the first place if she wished so badly to keep power over it; she can't withhold his identification without the things I mentioned (like I said, dealing with this currently, albeit in the US, so Canada may be different).

sjeagle30

I'd bet $100 that the people ragging on the OP do not have teenagers. They are often very easy to hate.

This poor lady is going through a tough time and leave it to the sad clowns here to trash her.

Thank you for having the guts to say it. Or, if they do, their teenager(s) is an angel.

I have teenageners. They are not perfect but they are not horrible. They make mistakes, they make good decisions. I have never ever even thought to say I hate my children no matter how mad I have been. Would you say this to your childs face? If so it is no wonder they rebel. It is a parents job to teach them right and wrong and I know they dont always listen but if you do your job and you stay involved in their lives and you truly care about their decisions and teach them values and to respect you and themselves they will turn out decent. Dr Phil would be all over you like a rat on a cheeto if he heard "I have done everythig i know how" "It is not my fault" "I hate my child" etc. It starts and ends with parenting period!

julesboots

hate is a strong word for your child......

I agree with the above comment.

Not to mention, chances are that kids are a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So something tells me that the parenting in his life was probably lacking somewhere along the way.

That's awesome and helpful.


Edit: To the OP: ignore the *****y/judgy comments from people who do not have children or whose children are under ten.

"Judgy"? This woman is judging her son; the other comments are judging their kids. How is someone commenting on a public topic being "judgy."

She's clearly using the word "hate" as an exaggerated expression of her frustration, not as a judgement of her son. It's "judgy" and self righteous to post something in response simply saying "parents are a reflection of their kids, blah blah you are essentially a bad parent, so shut up."

BetterCrazyThanLazy

hate is a strong word for your child......

THIS

billsica

Sounds like Canda is your issue. Move to the US, its 21 to drink over in NY.
I mean when I was 18 I had to sneak out of the house and got to parties to drink illegally. Lot of drugs there too.
HAHA no License was needed to go to those places. oh .. wait you mean your son is trying to follow the law and do things responsibly? I pray my kids are like that when they are old enough.

v65magna

I've been in this situation BUT as a stepmom to two boys now 20 and 23. Dad always tried to make up for the first marriage breaking up (which broke up because first wife refused to grown up). He gave his boys EVERYTHING. Not the way way I was brought up! I am still hoping these two boys will be able to survive in the real world. I recently told the youngest, who still lives ar home, we he starts a full time job (hopefully very soon) and after he repays us $ 1700 for and impaired driving fine, that I expect $ 25 a week board money. His response...You`re going to charge me for living here. $25 a week is what I paid back in 1983.
I think our jobs as parents are to teach responsibility and sometimes that is very hard. Sometimes tough love seems the only way. I will never hate these boys but I do hate some of their actions and choices.

Chinadorian

hate is a strong word for your child......

HAHA does not have a teen at home

What is wrong with you people??!!!

Children learn by watching. Whether its early enabling, hearing about their "worthlessness" or not being given boundaries and consequences that stick at an early age, parenting with love and taking on your child's problems is part and parcel of being a parent. If you didnt want a kid who could potentially make you mad, disappoint you or not grow up the minute they "come of age" (which lets face it, 18 is a very arbitrary number in our society for every person to assume the complete responsibilities of a real adult. In our society it seems that 30 is the new 20) who never steps on your toes, then DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Sounds like it maybe a little too late to do the strict thing, but perhaps you need to see a family therapist and come up with some newfound solutions to appreciating the good in your child, putting boundaries on whats out of control, controlling your own reactions that could be detrimental and being a parent who is above insulting your kid online.

/end rant.

joshkilborn

Wow....I would have been crushed if my mother ever said she hated me. Kids are a product of their raising and in this day and age it's always "someone elses fault", never their own. Take some responsibility and raise your kids properly! Anyone who says they hate their kids ought to be ashamed of themselves and have nobody else to blame but themselves.

Amberonamission

I'd bet $100 that the people ragging on the OP do not have teenagers. They are often very easy to hate.

This poor lady is going through a tough time and leave it to the sad clowns here to trash her.

Thank you for having the guts to say it. Or, if they do, their teenager(s) is an angel.

I have teenageners. They are not perfect but they are not horrible. They make mistakes, they make good decisions. I have never ever even thought to say I hate my children no matter how mad I have been. Would you say this to your childs face? If so it is no wonder they rebel. It is a parents job to teach them right and wrong and I know they dont always listen but if you do your job and you stay involved in their lives and you truly care about their decisions and teach them values and to respect you and themselves they will turn out decent. Dr Phil would be all over you like a rat on a cheeto if he heard "I have done everythig i know how" "It is not my fault" "I hate my child" etc. It starts and ends with parenting period!

Ooooh Dr Phil wouldn't like me... scary. Dr OZ wouldn't like me either.

maritza140

I'm sure you mean you hate his attitude or behavior, and not him. Don't give in. He wants to be an adult then he needs to understand that the first part of being an adult is to assume his own responsibilities and learn to fend for himself. If he thinks he is ready for this, the give him a date for moving out, in the mean time cut him off any money. other than giving him a roof until set date, don't cover any of his expenses: if you pay for his cellphone, car, insurance, gas, clothes, etc. cut him off.

My dad told all of us when we hit that age that we had a choice: school full time WITH good grades or work full time and pay your own way. Tough? yes. BEST MOVE EVER!!! We were all college graduates by 22 at the most and able to support ourselves. Believe me, you will be doing him a favor...

Juliejustsaying

He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM.


Enjoy.

Wow this is beyond b**tchy. Yes kids reflect their upbringing but they bring two sets of chromosomes to the table...and they have their own quirks and personalities....There are times when I wonder WTF with my boys, 9 and 11, I can see the habits and personality traits they got from their father....OP could have done absolutely everything right to teach that boy to work for what he wants...doesn't make him do it....you've heard the saying "you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink."

I suggest you look in the mirror.

Amberonamission

For the record; I was raised by drunk wolves. They would have eaten me if they could have figured out how to get me in the oven. I never drank, have worked since I was 14 and have 2 degrees. So it is not nurture.

PhilyPhresh

hate is a strong word for your child......

I agree with the above comment.

Not to mention, kids are usually a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So something tells me that the parenting in his life was probably lacking somewhere along the way.

Couldn't agree more with all this...

sevsmom

I've considered changing the locks on my now 21 year old and my current 19 year old. For different reasons, but they both had (or are IN) a season of ridiculous rebellion. I won't bore you with my stories (although they're good ones) just suffice it to say that as long as you don't cave in and stand your ground, your son will have no choice but to grow up. It may take longer than you like, include periods of laziness, drunken parties, financial irresponsibility, and the like, but for the most part, teenagers eventually become young adults and realize that the world is a hard place and only they can blaze their own trail. My eldest is now in Marine Corps boot camp and judging by the letters we're getting, he's starting to return to the insightful and delightful young man we remembered pre-rebellion. We've got 3 more kids to walk down this path, and I hope it gets easier, but I now have experience to KNOW that eventually they really do grow up.

And, Oh. . .don't pay attention to the folks that chalk this stuff up to YOUR bad parenting. We weren't perfect, but none of our kids have been modeled laziness, financial irresponsibility, procrastination, or the like. They are perfectly capable of figuring those things out ALL ON THEIR OWN!!! We didn't model sexual promescuity. . . but they figured that out. We didn't model being lazy and not working so you can hang out with friends. . .totally figured that out on their own. And trust me, they did NOT like the consequences. We did not make life easy for them. Sometimes our kids (just like other people) have to fall on their face to learn their lessons, get up and figure life out for themselves. We point them in the right direction, but once they have their hands on the wheel THEY choose which way to go, and more often than not, it's not the path we suggested. Hang in there!!

sjeagle30

I'd bet $100 that the people ragging on the OP do not have teenagers. They are often very easy to hate.

This poor lady is going through a tough time and leave it to the sad clowns here to trash her.

Thank you for having the guts to say it. Or, if they do, their teenager(s) is an angel.

I have teenageners. They are not perfect but they are not horrible. They make mistakes, they make good decisions. I have never ever even thought to say I hate my children no matter how mad I have been. Would you say this to your childs face? If so it is no wonder they rebel. It is a parents job to teach them right and wrong and I know they dont always listen but if you do your job and you stay involved in their lives and you truly care about their decisions and teach them values and to respect you and themselves they will turn out decent. Dr Phil would be all over you like a rat on a cheeto if he heard "I have done everythig i know how" "It is not my fault" "I hate my child" etc. It starts and ends with parenting period!

Ooooh Dr Phil wouldn't like me... scary. Dr OZ wouldn't like me either.

Im sure they would both love your sarcasm. The point of the whole reply was not Dr Phil. It was the parenting aspect....and by the way Dr Phil does have a degree in the area being discussed so maybe he does know something..Just a thought

firstsip

For the record; I was raised by drunk wolves. They would have eaten me if they could have figured out how to get me in the oven. I never drank, have worked since I was 14 and have 2 degrees. So it is not nurture.

But, that is nurture. Nurture just means "not biological/genetic/etc." Your "nurture" is to be self-sustaining because you were not literally "nurtured." If your parents had not been the way they were, you may not have become the way you are. It's obviously moot to speculate, because what's done is done, but nature and nurture are both strong components for how we turn out--nurture just does not mean literally "take care of."

A.k.a, nature = in the womb, nurture = everything outside of it.

brittaney10811

He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM.


Enjoy.

THIS.^^ bingo.

I Agree 100%!!!! It's like blaming the waitress for bringing your crappy food, when it's really the fault of the chef. Don't pass off the blame on anyone but the person who's been shaping up this person since day 1!!

VictoriaWorksOut

Make him earn everything, meanwhile you might have to drive him around to get places if there is no public transportation and he can't drive vehicle himself.

Teens go through rebel phase, some worse then others. He needs to be loved unconditionally and feel the love from family, because if you, his mom, does not show him love he will look for it in other places..... and will get anything but love... like so many of us have done , and some still do.

Don't give up on him! Get yourself together, show him love, the right kind.
Love does:
-- encourage every chance you get,
-- build them up (always find something positive in him and praise it),
-- shows compassion,
-- forgives,
-- give him all listed above, not because he deserves (none of us do), but because you love him.

Love does not:
-- burst out in anger,
-- accuse,
-- bring people down by actions, or words (cussing),
-- "pay back".

Kids have it really hard today, and not because they are lacking material things, but because of all the peer pressure and world pressure they have to deal with at a young age. Their body is mature, but soul is not (emotions and character). They do not know how to deal with a lot of stuff that is being thrown at them every day, including sexual relationships they feel they have to be in.

Most of the kids are not prepared to deal with responsibilities that come with adulthood - money management, responsibility of job/school, relationships . ... all that why TV is showing ads on how cool and smart you can be if only you buy beer, vodka, birth control, new cars and credit cards.

Talk to him honestly, show him what consequences he will have if he does not do what responsible adult needs to do to have a good life, then let him do life and learn from his mistakes as he goes. He will learn.

And pray. Prayer works.

summertime_girl

He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM.


Enjoy.

Disagree completely. I have two kids. They are both mine and my husband's. They have both lived under the same roof. They have been given the same expectations. One is hell on wheels. The other is great.

Pixi_Rex

I think the title of this should have been "I dislike how my teenager is acting help?!" not I hate my teenager as hate is a strong word...

I refused to do post secondary at 18.... I didn't go back until I was 26 - my partents could afford to send me I just didn't want to go. I got a job and I lived fairly nicely.

My brother on the other hand is my polar opposite - as in by 18 he was a bum ... he couch surfed, he didn't have a job and when he did he didn't keep it long, he partied all the time etc. He got a girl pregnant at 20 and bam had to grow up ... now he has a full time job with the potash corp and he is really grown up - it took a major life change for him to realize he had to grow up. Also... My mom had to stop giving him things - she is a giver by nature and she doesn't like seeing us go with out (even if we are adults)


First he is 18... and while i don't think giving him his passport so he can go celebrate his birthday is a great idea he is an adult and if he gets drunk and loses it he is in for a world of pain - seriously replacing ID is friggen awful... maybe he doesn't understand this? Second... why does he not have his license already? Even if he just has a learners with a photo he is able to go drinking (at least in Sask i know if you are legal age with photo id they don't care what it is.)

Maybe sit him down and be like "You are 18, you knew this was coming you need a job... you will have to post-pone your celebrations until you can obtain your ID on your own" Sorry welcome to adult hood kiddo... and give him a dead line.. tell him he needs to either go to school full time/finish HS or get a job or both. Lay it out there tell him you and your husband are not going to support him any longer. Seriously its the only way he is going to grow up. Don't be rude or make him feel like crap but just be frank with him... he is your son and I am sure you love him and only want the best for him but sometimes you have to use tough love.

magj0y

I hatehatehate when people say, "You're not a parent. How can you know."

I'm not a parent, but I was the person who spends nearly the same amount of time with your kid as you did....

Yeah, I used to say the same thing. Then I had 2 kids.
You have kids come into your classroom and you are there to teach them a specific subject. Then they go home.
Your only job is to teach them that subject(s) to the best of your ability and create a positive learning environment and be a good listener and quite a bit more...for an hour. unless you have full day classes, then it's 7 hours.

But you're not financially, emotionally responsible for these kids for 18+ years. You did not bring them into this world, and after 3 p.m., they're not your responsibility! You get them for a school year and after that you might see them in the hall. you might have them for a class or two, most teachers don't.

cubizzle

For the record; I was raised by drunk wolves. They would have eaten me if they could have figured out how to get me in the oven. I never drank, have worked since I was 14 and have 2 degrees. So it is not nurture.

But, that is nurture. Nurture just means "not biological/genetic/etc." Your "nurture" is to be self-sustaining because you were not literally "nurtured." If your parents had not been the way they were, you may not have become the way you are. It's obviously moot to speculate, because what's done is done, but nature and nurture are both strong components for how we turn out--nurture just does not mean literally "take care of."

A.k.a, nature = in the womb, nurture = everything outside of it.

she said it first

SunnyAndrsn

That fargin kid of mine. He turns 18 next week -- legal in Alberta, Canada. He needs photo ID to go out drinking. He needs his driver's license to do it, as government ID is almost $100 and he doesn't have a job (another issue).

He's known this for a year. I've told him repeatedly that he's NOT getting his passport to use as a liquor ID so he'd better get his license.

So last night -- one week to his birthday, what does he say...... Oh, I'll need my passport for my bday next week. OMFG. Ummmm NO you are NOT getting it. I told you that you weren't, and you're not. Cue subsequent tantrum (ironically about how he's an adult).

People tell me he'll grow up -- but I have my doubts. He also should have graduated HS this past June -- but not enough credits, so he's 'finishing' PT at an outreach school. But he rarely goes. And he doesn't have a job -- when at this time of year all that is required is he have a pulse. But he wants to work at a SPECIFIC place. And has no plans for post-secondary, when we can easily afford to send him.

What frustrates me most about him is he justifies his lack of ambition and drive by saying he's 'content to live in an apartment' and he doesn't need much to be happy. Settling for less because he's too lazy and afraid of failing to try. Whose kid IS this?

I have one of these! I love him dearly, but DH and I are way more invested in his happiness and him having a good life than he is. I'm making light of a very serious situation here, because we've spent years in therapy with him. He's now 21, and we've known him for 10 years. He was 11 when he moved in with us and 13 when we adopted him. Long story short, he was diagnosed with an attachment disorder prior to moving in with us. Thus all the therapy. Love and Logic saved our sanity. It's a style of parenting, google Love and Logic and it'll bring up their website. Maybe your son is approaching this time in his life:

http://loveandlogic.com/pages/getalife.html

Faye_Anderson

At 18 I was running my own house, paying all my own bills AND managing not to lose my passport, seems your son can't win, you want him to grow up and take responsibility but you still treat him as a child by locking his passport away from him. Just because he hasn't turned out precisely how you planned you're assuming he is going to be a drop out/waster.
My son is just starting out with "teenage tantrums" but there is nothing on this Earth that would ever make me say I hate him, you disgusting woman :mad:

madworld1

I'd bet $100 that the people ragging on the OP do not have teenagers. They are often very easy to hate.

This poor lady is going through a tough time and leave it to the sad clowns here to trash her.

Thank you for having the guts to say it. Or, if they do, their teenager(s) is an angel.

I have teenageners. They are not perfect but they are not horrible. They make mistakes, they make good decisions. I have never ever even thought to say I hate my children no matter how mad I have been. Would you say this to your childs face? If so it is no wonder they rebel. It is a parents job to teach them right and wrong and I know they dont always listen but if you do your job and you stay involved in their lives and you truly care about their decisions and teach them values and to respect you and themselves they will turn out decent. Dr Phil would be all over you like a rat on a cheeto if he heard "I have done everythig i know how" "It is not my fault" "I hate my child" etc. It starts and ends with parenting period!

I'm glad that your teens are somewhere in the middle. Sometimes they mind, sometimes they don't. I'm talking about those who clearly lack any desire to follow the rules and remain unmotivated- even with "good parenting". I stand by my original post. It does not always fall back on parenting. As children grow, they develop a mind of their own.

summertime_girl

I would curse every one of you who have kids that aren't teens yet judging this. But, fortunately life has already cursed you. LOLOLOLOL. Someday you will all feel pretty stupid with your TODAY opinion.

Yup!

madworld1

I hatehatehate when people say, "You're not a parent. How can you know."

I'm not a parent, but I was the person who spends nearly the same amount of time with your kid as you did....

Yeah, I used to say the same thing. Then I had 2 kids.
You have kids come into your classroom and you are there to teach them a specific subject. Then they go home.
Your only job is to teach them that subject(s) to the best of your ability and create a positive learning environment and be a good listener and quite a bit more...for an hour. unless you have full day classes, then it's 7 hours.

But you're not financially, emotionally responsible for these kids for 18+ years. You did not bring them into this world, and after 3 p.m., they're not your responsibility! You get them for a school year and after that you might see them in the hall. you might have them for a class or two, most teachers don't.

Right on.

firstsip

Also, OP, I looked to see some of your other posts... yes, you clearly do not hate your son. You actually seem pretty damn awesome between your "Owned by Satan tagline" comment (which I also have used as a tagline since that infamous thread) and your distaste for both Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey.

Really, I think lots of vitriol from pretty black and white (no shades of grey omg) sides is coming from other people coming in and sounding pretty hostile about their own kids. Yours, in hindsight, seems less insidious... but only after I got some context. Does it matter that I did or not, or should you care? No. But I do want to say you talk quite a bit about your family, and it sounds pretty fun and positive generally.

So really... I'm more bothered by the "hate" word has triggered so many other parents to become volcanoes of frustration and anger. On the flipside, you've got the parents and other people remaining placid and patient even with little buggers for kids.

ExplorinLauren

First, yes, hate is a very strong word. You should note that you hate his actions, and not the person. His actions will change over time, and you will no longer hate them.

Now, to the point. I see a lot of people blaming the OP. "He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM."

He was not "only" raised by his mom. He was raised by everyone in the community. Everyone he meets and associates with influences who he is. Kids at school have more influence over a child's demeanor than any parent ever will. That's a problem in this world today. Your kid screws up and it's YOUR fault, not the kid's. This man is 18 years old, has his own mind, and is expected by our society to act like a man and not a mama's boy child. I won't call what you should do "tough love". I will call it "necessary parenting". A child will not stand on his own two feet if you are willing to carry him. It's human nature. Push this little bird out of the nest and watch him learn to fly.

Fully agree.