RANT: I hate my teenager

knk1553

The bad parenting comments need to stop, because that pisses me off. My brother and I are 5 years apart, raised in the same household(s) (my parents are divorced and have been since I was young, however they do work together, they set the same rules and put their discrepancies aside for myself and my brother). I am getting my masters, graduated undergrad with honors, work my *kitten* off for everything I have ever had and appreciate everything my parents do for me. My brother is 18, has been in trouble with the law 3 different times, and thinks life should be handed to him on a silver platter. My grandma also had a similar situation, she had 3 kids, all raised in the same fashion, my oldest uncle is a lawyer in DC, my mom (the youngest) is a successful real estate agent, and my other uncle (the middle child) suffers from severe alcholism and can't stay sober long enough to do anythin with his life. Doesn't make any of them a bad parent, in fact my parents are WONDERFUL parents and would and have bent over backwards for myself and my brother. There are plenty of people who do bad things who had great parents, and there are plenty of people who do great things who had awful parents, this is why personality and pathology is a combination of nature and nutrure, not just nurture. This is why majority of the psychaitric illnesses aren't seen among both identical twins, usually just one.

I would say a little tough love is needed, my brother is getting this tough love now and hopefully it'll be enough reality for him to realize everything. Its hard, but stay strong on your choices and don't give in, because when you're giving in, you're essentially reinforcing the negative behavior.

I do however agree that hate is a really strong word to use towards your own child, you may dislike/hate his behaviors, but I can gaurentee you don't hate him.

kenazfehu

Having parented two teenagers (both adults now), I understand the title to mean "I hate this situation with my teenager".

And people blaming the parenting? Personal choice plays a huge role in how a person turns out. A child either respects you and accepts your values as his or her own, or rebels against everything you stand for.

While my son couch-surfs and avoids all responsibility, my daughter started college at age 16 and has been working a variety of jobs pretty much since then, too. She's now working on her master's degree. I'm sure I treated them differently; they are vastly different people. I love each with all my heart. And I'd die for either one of them if it came down to that.

melinda200208

I agree. "Hate" is never a word to use with your own child.

If he wants his passport tell him to get it. He's an adult. Tell him to go to school everyday, get a job, pay you $300 a month for rent, or move out.

My parents told us from an early age that if we weren't in school and over the age of 18 we were to pay rent.

My parents said the same thing. If your not going to college, you pay rent!

Wonderwoman2677

People tell me he'll grow up -- but I have my doubts. He also should have graduated HS this past June -- but not enough credits, so he's 'finishing' PT at an outreach school. But he rarely goes. And he doesn't have a job -- when at this time of year all that is required is he have a pulse. But he wants to work at a SPECIFIC place. And has no plans for post-secondary, when we can easily afford to send him.

So... my kids aren't that old yet... but this bit stuck out at me. You're enabling him. If you can easily afford to send him, then it's likely he feels entitiled to do nothing. Don't buy him anything except food, and give him an ultimatum about moving out. Then be ready to not bail him out. EVER. He needs to learn to be self sufficient. I'm not judging, but if you weren't able to teach him that lesson earlier in life, then he needs a crash course now before he ruins his life. Talk to him, explain it, then cut him off.

_GingerSnap_

I didn't read through all th responses so forgive me if this has already been covered but.....

He has no job and is still a student who barely goes to school so I can see why you wouldn't give the passport for buying alcohol here's my question....where is he getting money to go to the liquor store and to put gas in the car to go to said store?

I have an almost 18 year old myself, and how she is supposed to be an "adult" in the next few months, which is beyond me, but that being said you don't get to use my car, ask for my money, etc, if you act like a jerk. So are there mixed messages to this kid?

KellyKAG

hate is a strong word for your child......

I agree with the above comment.

Not to mention, chances are that kids are a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So something tells me that the parenting in his life was probably lacking somewhere along the way.

That's awesome and helpful.


Edit: To the OP: ignore the *****y/judgy comments from people who do not have children or whose children are under ten.

Agreed! People have no idea. When i was younger I thought some people were horrible parents when their kids flipped out in the store... until I had my own kids. Now when I see another embarrassed parent struggling to get their child under control I only feel sympathy.

graceylou222

hate is a strong word for your child......

I agree with the above comment.

Not to mention, kids are usually a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So something tells me that the parenting in his life was probably lacking somewhere along the way.

unfortunately i agree with this.

peuglow

I have a 10 month old, and I hope I never get to the point where I'm so jaded that I tell a bunch of strangers on a forum that I hate him.


Wow, just wow.

Molly_Maguire

First, yes, hate is a very strong word. You should note that you hate his actions, and not the person. His actions will change over time, and you will no longer hate them.

Now, to the point. I see a lot of people blaming the OP. "He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM."

He was not "only" raised by his mom. He was raised by everyone in the community. Everyone he meets and associates with influences who he is. Kids at school have more influence over a child's demeanor than any parent ever will. That's a problem in this world today. Your kid screws up and it's YOUR fault, not the kid's. This man is 18 years old, has his own mind, and is expected by our society to act like a man and not a mama's boy child. I won't call what you should do "tough love". I will call it "necessary parenting". A child will not stand on his own two feet if you are willing to carry him. It's human nature. Push this little bird out of the nest and watch him learn to fly.

I agree with this 100%. I cannot believe that horrible person who throws the blame solely on you, OP. She clearly has no teenagers of her own. Or class. I remember how I was as a teenager. I was an absolute nightmare; insolent, stubborn, disrespectful, lazy, and disobedient. It had nothing to do with my parents. Not a damn thing. My parents were loving, patient, and very firm, and they stood back and watched me crash and burn a few times until I grew up and realized what a sh*tty little snothead I'd been all those years. Some (read: "MOST") teenagers will be little jerks for a while. The trick is to not give in to them, stand your ground in a loving manner.

I WOULD choose a less harsh word than hate, though. Just my opinion.

He is not getting the passport -- it's locked in the safe. As to those who blame the parents - maybe -- our message of education, education, take responsibility, be successful, go to school has obviously had the opposite effect on him.

Once he's 18, can you legally do this? I'm American (though a not-so-far south neighbor with Canadian family), and these issues have come up... but for our elderly family members, living trust, power of attorney, etc.

Do you have any court orders saying your son can't attain his legal identification? If it exists, and you're arbitrarily keeping it in a safe, I'm pretty sure you're violating your son's rights for the sake of his "lazy attitude."

While this may be true, as OP stated before, her teenager has no job, so good luck to him in paying for a lawyer to MAKE his mom give up the passport! Lol! He can't expect to live in the real world of adult rights and litigation and court orders if he doesn't even ACT like an adult. He wants to live like a child, let him be treated like a child.

tlschlp

I feel the need to respond ... being the mother of 3 boys.

While all 3 are Eagle Scouts, and have been raised as responsible members of the family and of society, my eldest was overly influenced by his high school girlfriend and my ex-husband. The day after he graduated high school, he moved out. We had a very strained relationship for about 5 years. However, during that time, he grew up considerably (and got rid of the girlfriend and finally "saw" his father for who he was). He is now back home (due to economic reasons) and I have set down rules -- not for him, but rules concerning my property (house, minor children, etc). He is expected to abide by them or move out.

I raised my boys "right" (according to me ... and the BSA), but my son CHOSE the path contrary to the way I raised him. At this age, it is free will working NOT upbringing!

However, I also agree with some other replies in that "I hate my teenager" is not the best way to express your frustration. LOVE your child for who they are (your child), but "hate" their behavior (which is separate and apart from the person).

As far as what to do ... I think my eldest had the correct path (in hindsight) ... kick your son out (with his passport) when he's 18 - let him experience first-hand how cruel and unforgiving the world can be for an adult in his position.

Good luck!

cubizzle

I have a 10 month old, and I hope I never get to the point where I'm so jaded that I tell a bunch of strangers on a forum that I hate him.


Wow, just wow.

if you do, don't worry. It's not a sign of your parenting, and even if it were, it isn't your fault.

karaharrison2012

You dont "hate" him, you hate his actions. My daughter just turned 20 and there is a huge difference in her now, than even at 18. Hormones make teenagers CRAZY!! My now 14 year old daughter turned into a monster last year at her 13th birthday, when she was 12 and younger, she was absolutely the sweetest little girl I could ever ask for, I worked full time , busy busy busy mom , when I would come home the house would be cleaned, she would have my son bathed, fed and ready for bed, but NOW? oh no, she has been taken over by teenage hormones!!! I can't even get her to pick up her dirty socks off the floor, so do not listen to people that say your a bad parent. It will get better I promise. Never say you hate your son please, because I am sure its not true. My children make me want to say that too sometimes, but just as easy as they came into this world, they can be taken away. Never take your children for granted, no matter what . Love them unconditionally, and help them change there behavior in a positive way. I know it seems impossible at times, trust me, things do get better.

Amberonamission

I would curse every one of you who have kids that aren't teens yet judging this. But, fortunately life has already cursed you. LOLOLOLOL. Someday you will all feel pretty stupid with your TODAY opinion.

_CowgirlUp_

There comes a point in their development where it's not only what the parent puts in - it's what's forming of the child's own design (consciously or unconsciously and mostly the latter). There's plenty of proof the formative years up until ages 5 - 8 make a big difference in how easily the kid learns and copes with others. But really when it comes down to work ethic and laziness, some people just have to get out there in the world and learn that when you don't work hard, you don't get ****.

(I was one of those people).

OP, I don't envy you. I've got three boys ages 4, 9 and 11. My boyfriend WAS that kid, his mom still helps us out to this day when we get in a financial bind. And I don't honestly know if I could let any of my kids go hungry or homeless if they screwed up.

He doesn't need to drink. I mean that much is obvious. All I can tell you is work on your feelings (don't ever hate your kid, work on that **** and make it 'ninjaPOOF', seriously), and steady yourself so that you can be the best wall of DEAL-WITH-IT you can be for him.

I think at that point, that's all a parent can be. A steadying piece in a future grownup's foundation.

^^^THIS is the only post you should read and trash all the other fools that don't have kids or have kids under the age of 10 and have never raised a rebellious teenager. Freakin idiots.

My son is 27 and went through a really tough time in his teens and early 20's. It lasted about 7 years and I didn't think he would survive it. Saying you hate your kid isn't accurate...the problem is, you love him so much that you want the best for him and he's ok with less than the best. That'll change over time. Listen to the above poster and ignore the rest. People who have never gone through it will NEVER understand. An adult with a mind and will of his own is just that. NOT the result of bad parenting but the result of GOOD parenting. He's not afraid to do his own thing...he's not going to follow the crowd just because that's what everyone else is doing...he's got a mind and he's using it. Maybe not for the things that YOU would choose for him but he's an adult now and his decisions are his and his consequences are his. Make sure he's reaping them. Good luck mom...I've got your back.

TylerJ76

I think you have better things to worry about then getting your kid drunk.

lour441

He is not getting the passport -- it's locked in the safe. As to those who blame the parents - maybe -- our message of education, education, take responsibility, be successful, go to school has obviously had the opposite effect on him.

Once he's 18, can you legally do this? I'm American (though a not-so-far south neighbor with Canadian family), and these issues have come up... but for our elderly family members, living trust, power of attorney, etc.

Do you have any court orders saying your son can't attain his legal identification? If it exists, and you're arbitrarily keeping it in a safe, I'm pretty sure you're violating your son's rights for the sake of his "lazy attitude."

This was my thought Mom want's son to have a kick up the backside and start acting like an adult, but in the process still treating him as a child by with holding the passport?

She purchased the passport. If she doesn't want to give it to him, good for her. He is an adult. He can legally get and pay for a replacement passport. Of course, this would not be an issue if he would have gotten his license in the first place.

jrsey86

The bad parenting comments need to stop, because that pisses me off. My brother and I are 5 years apart, raised in the same household(s) (my parents are divorced and have been since I was young, however they do work together, they set the same rules and put their discrepancies aside for myself and my brother). I am getting my masters, graduated undergrad with honors, work my *kitten* off for everything I have ever had and appreciate everything my parents do for me. My brother is 18, has been in trouble with the law 3 different times, and thinks life should be handed to him on a silver platter. My grandma also had a similar situation, she had 3 kids, all raised in the same fashion, my oldest uncle is a lawyer in DC, my mom (the youngest) is a successful real estate agent, and my other uncle (the middle child) suffers from severe alcholism and can't stay sober long enough to do anythin with his life. Doesn't make any of them a bad parent, in fact my parents are WONDERFUL parents and would and have bent over backwards for myself and my brother. There are plenty of people who do bad things who had great parents, and there are plenty of people who do great things who had awful parents, this is why personality and pathology is a combination of nature and nutrure, not just nurture. This is why majority of the psychaitric illnesses aren't seen among both identical twins, usually just one.

I would say a little tough love is needed, my brother is getting this tough love now and hopefully it'll be enough reality for him to realize everything. Its hard, but stay strong on your choices and don't give in, because when you're giving in, you're essentially reinforcing the negative behavior.

I do however agree that hate is a really strong word to use towards your own child, you may dislike/hate his behaviors, but I can gaurentee you don't hate him.

^^^ This.

HotMummyMission

probably bad parenting

How dare you call her abut her parenting have you got kids? Do you know how hard it is! Don't judge other people this is the only thing about this site that I hate horrible people like him!!!



Op .... I was the same at 18 I played up all the time just because the other kids could do what I couldn't I'm now 21 with my own house a daughter and husband I relise what my mum done for my when I was growing up was for my own safty an to teach me rules I moved into my house knowing everything I needed about living alone my formed did the same thing the same time I moved out she goth earthing done for her everything she wanted guess wer she is now bk home with no job still he will appreciate you an it will take time it took me to have my daughter to relise how much my mum done for me and what she done which I hated was for my own good x

Hahahah I need to learn how to turn auto correct off hahah

firstsip

I hatehatehate when people say, "You're not a parent. How can you know."

I'm not a parent, but I was the person who spends nearly the same amount of time with your kid as you did. I was a teacher, I was a caregiver, and I was also a special needs instructor who worked with children with behavioral issues and emotional disturbances.

I'd say the ratio was probably half/half: half of the kids had issues regardless of their fantastically supportive parents, and half of them had issues because of parents who were no longer in the picture because of abuse, or who were poor parents and were often reluctant to meet with us, care for their child, etc. Sometimes there were parents who literally seemed like they could give a ****. This is not just when I worked with special needs, either--this was also when I worked in a classroom where I taught honors students.

Edit: As a further anecdote. I had children that were violent, very disruptive, etc... with very patient parents who constantly worked with us to monitor his behavior, his progress, etc. I also had a child that was very hostile and used incredibly foul language. He was six. His parents attacked us whenever we made reports, and I will never remember the time the mother said to me, "You're not a parent. You don't know." She also said, "This is America, where we have a right to defend ourselves" after the child attempted to be beat the **** out of another child for walking past him and "disrupting his concentration" when he was playing a game.

Extreme examples, but there you go. One's not always an objective observer of oneself.

That's kind of par for the course: kids are equal parts nature and nurture.

That being said, you can't discount the nurture aspect.

On the flipside, I now take care of my stroke-ridden grandfather who has lost all short-term memory and now has impaired judgment. He behaves, quite literally, like a teenager... but is an adult who has independence for a long time.

I wouldn't say I "hate" the things he does, or ever hate him. Not as a joke, not as a means to get attention on a post (and trust me, I've put some pretty racey titles just to get comments)... because I can not even fathom linking the word "hate" with a family member, and I had very rough upbringing.

And if you're thinking, "But that poor man can't help that his judgment's been impaired by a stroke!", you should realize judgement isn't completely developed for everyone at 18...

And we've come full circle.

Molly_Maguire

I would curse every one of you who have kids that aren't teens yet judging this. But, fortunately life has already cursed you. LOLOLOLOL. Someday you will all feel pretty stupid with your TODAY opinion.

This! ^