RANT: I hate my teenager

Pixi_Rex

I think the title of this should have been "I dislike how my teenager is acting help?!" not I hate my teenager as hate is a strong word...

I refused to do post secondary at 18.... I didn't go back until I was 26 - my partents could afford to send me I just didn't want to go. I got a job and I lived fairly nicely.

My brother on the other hand is my polar opposite - as in by 18 he was a bum ... he couch surfed, he didn't have a job and when he did he didn't keep it long, he partied all the time etc. He got a girl pregnant at 20 and bam had to grow up ... now he has a full time job with the potash corp and he is really grown up - it took a major life change for him to realize he had to grow up. Also... My mom had to stop giving him things - she is a giver by nature and she doesn't like seeing us go with out (even if we are adults)


First he is 18... and while i don't think giving him his passport so he can go celebrate his birthday is a great idea he is an adult and if he gets drunk and loses it he is in for a world of pain - seriously replacing ID is friggen awful... maybe he doesn't understand this? Second... why does he not have his license already? Even if he just has a learners with a photo he is able to go drinking (at least in Sask i know if you are legal age with photo id they don't care what it is.)

Maybe sit him down and be like "You are 18, you knew this was coming you need a job... you will have to post-pone your celebrations until you can obtain your ID on your own" Sorry welcome to adult hood kiddo... and give him a dead line.. tell him he needs to either go to school full time/finish HS or get a job or both. Lay it out there tell him you and your husband are not going to support him any longer. Seriously its the only way he is going to grow up. Don't be rude or make him feel like crap but just be frank with him... he is your son and I am sure you love him and only want the best for him but sometimes you have to use tough love.

magj0y

I hatehatehate when people say, "You're not a parent. How can you know."

I'm not a parent, but I was the person who spends nearly the same amount of time with your kid as you did....

Yeah, I used to say the same thing. Then I had 2 kids.
You have kids come into your classroom and you are there to teach them a specific subject. Then they go home.
Your only job is to teach them that subject(s) to the best of your ability and create a positive learning environment and be a good listener and quite a bit more...for an hour. unless you have full day classes, then it's 7 hours.

But you're not financially, emotionally responsible for these kids for 18+ years. You did not bring them into this world, and after 3 p.m., they're not your responsibility! You get them for a school year and after that you might see them in the hall. you might have them for a class or two, most teachers don't.

cubizzle

For the record; I was raised by drunk wolves. They would have eaten me if they could have figured out how to get me in the oven. I never drank, have worked since I was 14 and have 2 degrees. So it is not nurture.

But, that is nurture. Nurture just means "not biological/genetic/etc." Your "nurture" is to be self-sustaining because you were not literally "nurtured." If your parents had not been the way they were, you may not have become the way you are. It's obviously moot to speculate, because what's done is done, but nature and nurture are both strong components for how we turn out--nurture just does not mean literally "take care of."

A.k.a, nature = in the womb, nurture = everything outside of it.

she said it first

SunnyAndrsn

That fargin kid of mine. He turns 18 next week -- legal in Alberta, Canada. He needs photo ID to go out drinking. He needs his driver's license to do it, as government ID is almost $100 and he doesn't have a job (another issue).

He's known this for a year. I've told him repeatedly that he's NOT getting his passport to use as a liquor ID so he'd better get his license.

So last night -- one week to his birthday, what does he say...... Oh, I'll need my passport for my bday next week. OMFG. Ummmm NO you are NOT getting it. I told you that you weren't, and you're not. Cue subsequent tantrum (ironically about how he's an adult).

People tell me he'll grow up -- but I have my doubts. He also should have graduated HS this past June -- but not enough credits, so he's 'finishing' PT at an outreach school. But he rarely goes. And he doesn't have a job -- when at this time of year all that is required is he have a pulse. But he wants to work at a SPECIFIC place. And has no plans for post-secondary, when we can easily afford to send him.

What frustrates me most about him is he justifies his lack of ambition and drive by saying he's 'content to live in an apartment' and he doesn't need much to be happy. Settling for less because he's too lazy and afraid of failing to try. Whose kid IS this?

I have one of these! I love him dearly, but DH and I are way more invested in his happiness and him having a good life than he is. I'm making light of a very serious situation here, because we've spent years in therapy with him. He's now 21, and we've known him for 10 years. He was 11 when he moved in with us and 13 when we adopted him. Long story short, he was diagnosed with an attachment disorder prior to moving in with us. Thus all the therapy. Love and Logic saved our sanity. It's a style of parenting, google Love and Logic and it'll bring up their website. Maybe your son is approaching this time in his life:

http://loveandlogic.com/pages/getalife.html

Faye_Anderson

At 18 I was running my own house, paying all my own bills AND managing not to lose my passport, seems your son can't win, you want him to grow up and take responsibility but you still treat him as a child by locking his passport away from him. Just because he hasn't turned out precisely how you planned you're assuming he is going to be a drop out/waster.
My son is just starting out with "teenage tantrums" but there is nothing on this Earth that would ever make me say I hate him, you disgusting woman :mad:

madworld1

I'd bet $100 that the people ragging on the OP do not have teenagers. They are often very easy to hate.

This poor lady is going through a tough time and leave it to the sad clowns here to trash her.

Thank you for having the guts to say it. Or, if they do, their teenager(s) is an angel.

I have teenageners. They are not perfect but they are not horrible. They make mistakes, they make good decisions. I have never ever even thought to say I hate my children no matter how mad I have been. Would you say this to your childs face? If so it is no wonder they rebel. It is a parents job to teach them right and wrong and I know they dont always listen but if you do your job and you stay involved in their lives and you truly care about their decisions and teach them values and to respect you and themselves they will turn out decent. Dr Phil would be all over you like a rat on a cheeto if he heard "I have done everythig i know how" "It is not my fault" "I hate my child" etc. It starts and ends with parenting period!

I'm glad that your teens are somewhere in the middle. Sometimes they mind, sometimes they don't. I'm talking about those who clearly lack any desire to follow the rules and remain unmotivated- even with "good parenting". I stand by my original post. It does not always fall back on parenting. As children grow, they develop a mind of their own.

summertime_girl

I would curse every one of you who have kids that aren't teens yet judging this. But, fortunately life has already cursed you. LOLOLOLOL. Someday you will all feel pretty stupid with your TODAY opinion.

Yup!

madworld1

I hatehatehate when people say, "You're not a parent. How can you know."

I'm not a parent, but I was the person who spends nearly the same amount of time with your kid as you did....

Yeah, I used to say the same thing. Then I had 2 kids.
You have kids come into your classroom and you are there to teach them a specific subject. Then they go home.
Your only job is to teach them that subject(s) to the best of your ability and create a positive learning environment and be a good listener and quite a bit more...for an hour. unless you have full day classes, then it's 7 hours.

But you're not financially, emotionally responsible for these kids for 18+ years. You did not bring them into this world, and after 3 p.m., they're not your responsibility! You get them for a school year and after that you might see them in the hall. you might have them for a class or two, most teachers don't.

Right on.

firstsip

Also, OP, I looked to see some of your other posts... yes, you clearly do not hate your son. You actually seem pretty damn awesome between your "Owned by Satan tagline" comment (which I also have used as a tagline since that infamous thread) and your distaste for both Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey.

Really, I think lots of vitriol from pretty black and white (no shades of grey omg) sides is coming from other people coming in and sounding pretty hostile about their own kids. Yours, in hindsight, seems less insidious... but only after I got some context. Does it matter that I did or not, or should you care? No. But I do want to say you talk quite a bit about your family, and it sounds pretty fun and positive generally.

So really... I'm more bothered by the "hate" word has triggered so many other parents to become volcanoes of frustration and anger. On the flipside, you've got the parents and other people remaining placid and patient even with little buggers for kids.

ExplorinLauren

First, yes, hate is a very strong word. You should note that you hate his actions, and not the person. His actions will change over time, and you will no longer hate them.

Now, to the point. I see a lot of people blaming the OP. "He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM."

He was not "only" raised by his mom. He was raised by everyone in the community. Everyone he meets and associates with influences who he is. Kids at school have more influence over a child's demeanor than any parent ever will. That's a problem in this world today. Your kid screws up and it's YOUR fault, not the kid's. This man is 18 years old, has his own mind, and is expected by our society to act like a man and not a mama's boy child. I won't call what you should do "tough love". I will call it "necessary parenting". A child will not stand on his own two feet if you are willing to carry him. It's human nature. Push this little bird out of the nest and watch him learn to fly.

Fully agree.

digitalbill

It's simple.
18 years old?
Out of the house.
Go live in a tent or a cardboard box or something.
Welcome to the real world where you have to WORK.
Oh, it isn't your dream job? TOO BAD!!!!!!!

Tough love baby.
And he can go get his own damn passport.

sjeagle30

I'd bet $100 that the people ragging on the OP do not have teenagers. They are often very easy to hate.

This poor lady is going through a tough time and leave it to the sad clowns here to trash her.

Thank you for having the guts to say it. Or, if they do, their teenager(s) is an angel.

I have teenageners. They are not perfect but they are not horrible. They make mistakes, they make good decisions. I have never ever even thought to say I hate my children no matter how mad I have been. Would you say this to your childs face? If so it is no wonder they rebel. It is a parents job to teach them right and wrong and I know they dont always listen but if you do your job and you stay involved in their lives and you truly care about their decisions and teach them values and to respect you and themselves they will turn out decent. Dr Phil would be all over you like a rat on a cheeto if he heard "I have done everythig i know how" "It is not my fault" "I hate my child" etc. It starts and ends with parenting period!

I'm glad that your teens are somewhere in the middle. Sometimes they mind, sometimes they don't. I'm talking about those who clearly lack any desire to follow the rules and remain unmotivated- even with "good parenting". I stand by my original post. It does not always fall back on parenting. As children grow, they develop a mind of their own.

The biggest part that I disagreed with was use of the word hate toward your own children. Love and hate are the two strongest emotions one can have. Hearing hate from someone that is supposed to love you more than any other human being on the face of the planet is a lil harsh!

mygrl4meee

Hate is such a strong word even in anger for your own child. My oldest son will be 18 in a week and knows how to push my buttons but never would I say I hate him. He has a lot of growing up to do and I believe a lot of it is due to divorce and him living with Dad who let him get away with not going to school ect.

madworld1

I'd bet $100 that the people ragging on the OP do not have teenagers. They are often very easy to hate.

This poor lady is going through a tough time and leave it to the sad clowns here to trash her.

Thank you for having the guts to say it. Or, if they do, their teenager(s) is an angel.

I have teenageners. They are not perfect but they are not horrible. They make mistakes, they make good decisions. I have never ever even thought to say I hate my children no matter how mad I have been. Would you say this to your childs face? If so it is no wonder they rebel. It is a parents job to teach them right and wrong and I know they dont always listen but if you do your job and you stay involved in their lives and you truly care about their decisions and teach them values and to respect you and themselves they will turn out decent. Dr Phil would be all over you like a rat on a cheeto if he heard "I have done everythig i know how" "It is not my fault" "I hate my child" etc. It starts and ends with parenting period!

I'm glad that your teens are somewhere in the middle. Sometimes they mind, sometimes they don't. I'm talking about those who clearly lack any desire to follow the rules and remain unmotivated- even with "good parenting". I stand by my original post. It does not always fall back on parenting. As children grow, they develop a mind of their own.

The biggest part that I disagreed with was use of the word hate toward your own children. Love and hate are the two strongest emotions one can have. Hearing hate from someone that is supposed to love you more than any other human being on the face of the planet is a lil harsh!

As I mentioned earlier, I did not agree with the word hate. I believe that she could have titled this thread differently. Most likely, she hates his poor choices.

anewlife4me8610

I am sure what you meant was you hate the way your teen is behaving...lol ...I know this! I feel you on it...My daughter is 21 legal to drink in any country and she has been driving me crazy since 15!!! lol so I know what you mean...sometimes we have to let go and let God...its so hard to watch your child (or anyone you love) head straight for a brick wall at 99 miles an hour with no helmet, but sometimes that impact and bounce back is what they need to see the light....as parents we are so limited to what we can really do by they time they are old enough to make their own decisions....we just have to pray that the parenting and the things we taught them early on in life were enough for when the time comes....we will always be there for our children, or at least we want to be, but when they make choices that just dont make sense sometimes we have to say, sorry- you made your bed now take a nap in it! Its hard, but sometimes giving too much is worse than not giving at all....good luck and God bless!!!

yowza101

Trust me you are not alone in this plight of lazy kids and their self deserving attitude. That is a lot for an id, it's only $12 here and yeppers to be 18 and legal. As I tell my kid, he's 19 and legal but still in the toddler phase...hahahaha. Hang in there and stick to your guns. It's him settling for the life he wants, it's not you. We all want what is best for our kids but until the kid realize that for themselves, our words are fallen on death ears. Just remember, he's responsible for himself and his actions, you are not. As long as you know that you have raised him to be responsible and he refuse to then the outcome is on him, even though it hurts us as the parent. You will eventually have to decide when enough is enough and when it's time for him leave...

Good luck and stay strong.

Chinadorian

Make him earn everything, meanwhile you might have to drive him around to get places if there is no public transportation and he can't drive vehicle himself.

Teens go through rebel phase, some worse then others. He needs to be loved unconditionally and feel the love from family, because if you, his mom, does not show him love he will look for it in other places..... and will get anything but love... like so many of us have done , and some still do.

Don't give up on him! Get yourself together, show him love, the right kind.
Love does:
-- encourage every chance you get,
-- build them up (always find something positive in him and praise it),
-- shows compassion,
-- forgives,
-- give him all listed above, not because he deserves (none of us do), but because you love him.

Love does not:
-- burst out in anger,
-- accuse,
-- bring people down by actions, or words (cussing),
-- "pay back".

Kids have it really hard today, and not because they are lacking material things, but because of all the peer pressure and world pressure they have to deal with at a young age. Their body is mature, but soul is not (emotions and character). They do not know how to deal with a lot of stuff that is being thrown at them every day, including sexual relationships they feel they have to be in.

Most of the kids are not prepared to deal with responsibilities that come with adulthood - money management, responsibility of job/school, relationships . ... all that why TV is showing ads on how cool and smart you can be if only you buy beer, vodka, birth control, new cars and credit cards.

Talk to him honestly, show him what consequences he will have if he does not do what responsible adult needs to do to have a good life, then let him do life and learn from his mistakes as he goes. He will learn.

And pray. Prayer works.

Word.

firstsip

I hatehatehate when people say, "You're not a parent. How can you know."

I'm not a parent, but I was the person who spends nearly the same amount of time with your kid as you did....

Yeah, I used to say the same thing. Then I had 2 kids.
You have kids come into your classroom and you are there to teach them a specific subject. Then they go home.
Your only job is to teach them that subject(s) to the best of your ability and create a positive learning environment and be a good listener and quite a bit more...for an hour. unless you have full day classes, then it's 7 hours.

But you're not financially, emotionally responsible for these kids for 18+ years. You did not bring them into this world, and after 3 p.m., they're not your responsibility! You get them for a school year and after that you might see them in the hall. you might have them for a class or two, most teachers don't.

Nono, the honors students were my 7 hours. I was not JUST a conventional teacher, hence my original post.

The caretaker of special needs position was often up to 12+ hours. Some of these kids lived full-time in the facility I worked at.

I was not financially responsible for them, yes, but I was responsible for their emotional well being, psychological stimulation (or sometimes, prevention of stimulation), education, nutrition, physical education, etc.

I specifically brought up my multiple positions because I found the parent/child relation was pretty similar in BOTH settings, regardless of underlying serious issue, and regardless of how long or how much I was doing for the kid.

In other words, I got exposed to countless kids+parents in different settings, and didn't see much difference.

We did also have 18+ at this facility, and one that springs to mind had a mother who had him very young and only came to visit to remind her son, "Your good for nothing father does **** for you. I'm all you've got" once a week. We also had an 18+ whose mother never comes. We had good parents, too.

The issue is: I've seen kids (and young adults) with similar issues, personalities, etc... and also parents that handle them differently. It's a little bit of both responsible for the final product.

CasablancasTX

He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM.


Enjoy.

People who do not have children should not make comments like these.

firstsip

And pray. Prayer works.

How.