RANT: I hate my teenager

SPBROOKS68

That fargin kid of mine. He turns 18 next week -- legal in Alberta, Canada. He needs photo ID to go out drinking. He needs his driver's license to do it, as government ID is almost $100 and he doesn't have a job (another issue).

He's known this for a year. I've told him repeatedly that he's NOT getting his passport to use as a liquor ID so he'd better get his license.

So last night -- one week to his birthday, what does he say...... Oh, I'll need my passport for my bday next week. OMFG. Ummmm NO you are NOT getting it. I told you that you weren't, and you're not. Cue subsequent tantrum (ironically about how he's an adult).

People tell me he'll grow up -- but I have my doubts. He also should have graduated HS this past June -- but not enough credits, so he's 'finishing' PT at an outreach school. But he rarely goes. And he doesn't have a job -- when at this time of year all that is required is he have a pulse. But he wants to work at a SPECIFIC place. And has no plans for post-secondary, when we can easily afford to send him.

What frustrates me most about him is he justifies his lack of ambition and drive by saying he's 'content to live in an apartment' and he doesn't need much to be happy. Settling for less because he's too lazy and afraid of failing to try. Whose kid IS this?

I have 2 like this--Just very entitled and not motivated---Bad when your father asks why your kids are that way because you were not....

now_or_never12

I totally get where you are coming from. My 16 year old daughter has decided that I am the worst person forever since I refuse to let her date her 18 year old high school drop out, no-job-having, rude, disrespectful, scumbag of a boyfriend. He has since talked her into running away from home. She has been gone 2 weeks today. She calls every 3 or 4 days to tell me that she will come home only if I let her openly date this boy and allow him into my house. Needless to say... she is still gone. While I will always love her... I really hate her right now.

Umm...that's called kidnapping. You can have the boyfriend arrested. She hasn't been home for 2 weeks? That's a crime. She is 16 and legally can't make that decision for herself. I hope you know that.

Children in Canada can leave home as of age 16 unfortunately. Unless he took her against her will there is nothing wrong there (minus the guy being a scumbag)

WickedGarden

Let me tell you a little story:

There is this girl I know, she has 2 boys, and while they were growing up, she let them do anything they pleased. She would tell them 'no' and they would scream and cry and throw a tantrum until she gave in. She worked her *kitten* off giving them everything they wanted. Designer clothes, XBox, Playstation, Nintendo DS, you name it, they have it, all the video games the day they come out. They never helped her cook or clean the house.

Now they are 18 and 20, the 20 year old dropped out of high school, and she doesn't know what to do. She somehow made him get his GED, but he is still living at home, sitting on the couch playing video games, not working, and stuffing his face full of soda, pizza, and potato chips because yup, you guessed it, she lets him. The 18 year old has his friends come over while they drink in the basement.

You tell me what went wrong.

rml_16

Assuming that if she has the passport, she, the mother purchased it, there for she owns what she purchased, she can do whatever the hell she wants with her property.

Do the kid a favor. Show the tough love. Some people only learn from their own mistakes--the most valuable lessons often cost the most. Doesn't sound like anything is costing him much at all so how is he to learn?

Regardless of who purchased the thing it is the property of whomever it was issued to... therefore her son's property.

Exactly. And if he doesn't have a job or money, who's going to pay for his license that she is willing to give him?

Silliness.

And, again, if he does go drinking, WHO IS PAYING FOR THAT?

tlacox1

hate is a strong word for your child......

I agree with the above comment.

Not to mention, kids are usually a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So something tells me that the parenting in his life was probably lacking somewhere along the way.

I so don't agree with this. Sometimes kids just end up this way and some tough love has to be thrown their way. Many don't get it until they are 40 and dealing with their own teenagers. That's when the Ah-Hah moment hits.

fbmandy55

I totally get where you are coming from. My 16 year old daughter has decided that I am the worst person forever since I refuse to let her date her 18 year old high school drop out, no-job-having, rude, disrespectful, scumbag of a boyfriend. He has since talked her into running away from home. She has been gone 2 weeks today. She calls every 3 or 4 days to tell me that she will come home only if I let her openly date this boy and allow him into my house. Needless to say... she is still gone. While I will always love her... I really hate her right now.

you don't hate HER. you hate her choices and her rebellious attitude.

No wonder kids are so screwed up these days... their parents are all going around talking about how they hate them.

And what kind of kid has never said they hate their parents, regardless of how much they really love them???

I know I have said I hate my parents numerous times, I still say this about my mom quite often. Expressing your emotions towards a person is not wrong..

EatClean_WashUrNuts

Im amazed you were allowed to procreate.:noway:

CallMeCupcakeDammit

He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM.


Enjoy.

I raised both of my kids the exact same way. Same rules, same morals, same everything. My son passed on a joint offered to him on his way to the bus stop. My daughter would've been all over it. Doesn't necessarily mean it's the mom who's at fault. Kids process things differently, which I've seen first-hand with my daughter.

Where I live, law only "requires" that I provide a roof over their heads, food and clothes. If I were to be faced with your situation, I would not give in. He needs to take responsibility for the things he wants, and you have to push him to take that responsibility. Be strong, Mom!

aguethler

Oh my, people are SO nasty on these pages. Don't listen, hold strong. Don't enable him to go out drinking if he can't be responsible enough to provide his own ID.

chivalryder

My life as a child, with regards to my parents, was very simple. They gave me and my brother's four rules:

1. Don't kill anyone.
2. Don't go to jail.
3. Don't kill myself.
4. Don't do drugs.

As long as I didn't break any of those rules, my parents would support any choice or decision I made (even if they didn't want to). If I f*cked up my life, it was my fault, no one else's. I would have had to serve the consequences myself.

That being said, my parents made me work for everything I had when I was young, and everything I have now. They never gave me anything.

Don't give your kid anything. It's his life, not yours. If s/he really is an adult, he can get his own crap on his own. As an adult, he should be independent. Independent people don't depend on other's to get them stuff.

I also strongly believe more in nurture over nature. Why do you think this kid is like that? They aren't born this way.

jrbb03092

When I was a teenager, my mother told me she wished I'd never been born.

I would have much rather she'd ranted to a bunch of strangers on a forum somewhere where I never would have seen it.

When I saw the subject line, I thought oh boy. When I read your post, I got that you hated his actions, not him, and that you were using hyperbole and /ranting/ which is why we come on places like this and say things that we would NEVER actually say to our loved ones, no matter how frustrating they're being.

It sounds like you're doing the right things with your son, at least now, and I have no idea how you raised him when he was younger. It could be you, it could be him. At some point though, kids have to stand on their own two feet. And age of majority sounds like it to me.

I know I screwed up for a few years around the twenty mark but thankfully I smartened up and straightened out and now I have a just-turned teenager of my own.

Good luck!

UsedToBeHusky

He's 18.

It's his passport.

These are his mistakes to make.

Just be sure you are willing to let him stand on his own when he screws up. It's called tough love. He wants this freedom. You need to give it to him. It really will not take long for him to figure out that more is better and that he will have to work for it. But he is not going to figure that out if you refuse to give him the opportunity to learn from his mistakes.

As far as your choice of title, I agree that 'hate' really is a strong word. I'm sure he hasn't failed to say that to you, but the fact of the matter is, you are the adult.

Angie_Fritts

Sounds like some tough love is in order. Set deadlines and boundaries and stick to them. Kick his butt out if he is not going to be a contributing member of the family and a contributing adult to soceity. If you are enabling him to be lazy, unmotivated or whatever, stop it.

I know it is easier said than done but he has got to grow up. Where is he going to get his beer drinking money? You ?

clyn554

Looks like your son made an account here and a thread about his story...Wow....

amsohs85

I skimmed through the comments on this forum and i'm seein a whole lot of holier than thou "If you raised your kid right you wouldnt be having this problem.." going on. What i'm about to say probably isnt going to be well taken by all you PERFECT parents or people who think they will be a perfect parent but dont yet have a clue!!!

First off if you've raised your children and they are now in their twenties working a job, living away from home, not on drugs/alcohol, not pregnant or having got someone pregnant and being a productive member of society GOOD FOR YOU!! Give yourself a pat on the back and breathe a big sigh of relief. But dont get to comfortable....there's still plenty of time for your adult child to fall off track screw up their life and come back bags packed hoping you will take them in. (Which is apparently a national trend now....and im not talking about adult children who were just barely making it too begin with. I mean college educated, had a big career, wife and maybe a kid or two young adults coming back home to live with mom and dad because they cant make it anymore)

Secondly if you currently have a teenager or two who are respectful, straight A, taking advanced courses, never lie, never break curfew and wouldnt dream of experimenting with sex, drugs or alcohol let me give you a big WHOOHOOO!! Once again pat yourself on the back...you are truly lucky!!! But dont let your guard down because theres always some fork in the road where your perfect parenting may not work because that oh so smart teen of yours makes an oh so stupid decision that may affect the rest of their life. Then you find yourself like so many other "I thought i did it all right" parents sitting there in shock wondering what the hell happened.

Thirdly if your children have yet to reach teen or preteen age and are perfect angels who still cuddle with you to hear a story and play peacefully with other kids on the playground. They pick up thier toys without being asked becuase you taught them at the age of 1 how to organize each item into the appropriate box. They clean their plates and always use "yes ma'am or yes sir" and have never embarassed you by saying something inapropriate or screaming in public. FANTASTIC....but dont think your in for a smooth ride. You've got a very long way to go yet before you can claim to be an authority on proper parenting!!!

Yes my words are dripping with sarcasm....because i see and hear way to much of the "NOT my kids...i'm an excellent parent" mantra from way too many parents. I have four kids ranging in age from 4 to 25...and at some point each one of them has made me sit back and think "What did i do to deserve this??"

Children are not computers...you dont enter a bunch of programming code and then they just operate perfectly. They are individuals subject to genetics, personality, enviroment, peer influence, ranging emotions, societal example etc. I've seen kids who came from great homes where both parents were present and proactive, loving, had strong religious beliefs,morals, set down limits and promoted a positive educational atmophere who ended up in heart breaking situations. Their parents tore themselves up second guessing everything they did as parents because they just couldnt fathom how they had reached that point. I've also seen kids who came from terrible homes...subjected to abuse, neglect, drug addiction...who became model young adults. Despite their lack of parental example they perservered and where more mature and capable then people twice their age.

In theory the better you parent the better your childs chances are...but there are simply no guarentees. Go ahead and judge another persons struggles by thinking "Well its got to be your fault if your kid is screwed up!!". Just be prepared to say the same to yourself if god forbid you face a similar situation. Better yet be prepared to face the judgement of the PERFECT parents around you who will smuggly evaluate every little thing you did. If you can dish it out be prepared to eat a big bowl of it yourself!!

luvofpete

Hate? Really? Nice.

_Wits_

Assuming that if she has the passport, she, the mother purchased it, there for she owns what she purchased, she can do whatever the hell she wants with her property.

Do the kid a favor. Show the tough love. Some people only learn from their own mistakes--the most valuable lessons often cost the most. Doesn't sound like anything is costing him much at all so how is he to learn?

Regardless of who purchased the thing it is the property of whomever it was issued to... therefore her son's property.

LOL agreed....it is an ID for a legal adult....I'd love to see the look on a cops face if you said "I'm his mother! He can't have his passport!". That's just silly.

Cliffslosinit

Stop it Mom.....i love you. Can i has $100?

BrianSharpe

That fargin kid of mine. He turns 18 next week -- legal in Alberta, Canada. He needs photo ID to go out drinking. He needs his driver's license to do it, as government ID is almost $100 and he doesn't have a job (another issue).

He's known this for a year. I've told him repeatedly that he's NOT getting his passport to use as a liquor ID so he'd better get his license.

So last night -- one week to his birthday, what does he say...... Oh, I'll need my passport for my bday next week. OMFG. Ummmm NO you are NOT getting it. I told you that you weren't, and you're not. Cue subsequent tantrum (ironically about how he's an adult).

People tell me he'll grow up -- but I have my doubts. He also should have graduated HS this past June -- but not enough credits, so he's 'finishing' PT at an outreach school. But he rarely goes. And he doesn't have a job -- when at this time of year all that is required is he have a pulse. But he wants to work at a SPECIFIC place. And has no plans for post-secondary, when we can easily afford to send him.

What frustrates me most about him is he justifies his lack of ambition and drive by saying he's 'content to live in an apartment' and he doesn't need much to be happy. Settling for less because he's too lazy and afraid of failing to try. Whose kid IS this?

We have a very simple rule in our house, work or go to school. If you're not going to school you need to have a job and pay room and board. So far my son has been doing well in college (it's only his first year) so we haven't had any drama. (He also has expensive tastes and realizes he'll need a good income to maintain the lifestyle that he wants to enjoy)

Years ago I worked with a guy who's IQ was probably off the charts. He worked as the cleanup guy at a car dealership preparing new cars for delivery, no ambition at all. Fast forward almost 30 years and he's still doing the same job, lives in a tiny apartment, owns nothing, owes nothing and is probably one of the most contented people I know.

Is there a right answer.............hard to say (but I would read your son the riot act.......)

NormalSaneFLGuy

As someone from Alberta, the solution is clear. Make him drop out of school and work on the rigs. It's what he's going to do anyway, regardless of graduation. I mean really, you're the bad parent here for not pulling him out of school at 16 to get him on the rigs earlier. Plus, who even checks IDs in Alberta besides bars? The off sale liquor places never ID. Hell, even half the bars there don't either.