Am I asking too much?

oregonzoo

Seek couples therapy. Try and find a job you can work on off hours.
Save money, get ducks in a row. If he won't agree to therapy, or that doesn't go well, this is an abusive relationship and you are going to have to have money saved to get out.

Staying in such a relationship is NOT good for you or your daughter. She does not need to think what you now have is a normal loving relationship.

PibblesRun

I've read through all the posts, so let's get some of the facts on this. She isn't just being a nagging, ungrateful SAHM who needs to lighten up on him.

*When she asks him nicely to do something, things that need to be fixed around the house (one of the things you got to do when you own a house), he screams f-bombs at her. This despite the fact that she more than upholds her side of being a stay at home mom. (makes his breakfasts, all his lunches, a special dinner for him and him alone, cleans, takes care of the baby, tells him "great job" and how much she appreciates what he does)

*He punches holes in the walls when he gets mad (people do stupid things sometimes in anger, but this on top of the other things is a warning sign to me)

*He doesn't like it when she would dress sexy (not hoochie)...this is a classic control sign

*He's been married three times

*He comes from an abusive childhood

*When she tries to talk to him in a reasonable manner, he immediately starts screaming f-bombs. Including when she tried to bring up marriage counseling.

This to me shows that there is more than just a lazy husband here. And it's not being unreasonable to ask to have something done around the house. It's a partnership. She even waits weeks to months to bring things up again. Nagging would to be after him multiple times a day.

Thanks thats alot of posts to read!

To the one who said hes a supervisor we should be able to afford repair men...Ill give you a list

Do you know how much repair men cost?

Do you know how much a mortgage costs?

And do you know how much a supervisor makes?

How much it costs to raise a baby?

Lets see...im not giving out our personal details but his job doesnt pay him what hes worth, although we do get great benefits which is rare in a job...but benefits arent money. We make enough for me to be able to stay home but its tight. the only "luxury" item we have is cable and internet.

I have a car payment...And yes I already tried selling my car...but they want to give me 5 thousand less than what I owe so ill still be paying for a car I dont have.

We have 5 bills, house, car insurance, electric, verizon, car payment. Thats it...no credit card bills, no other payments of any kind. But the house alone takes up more than half his monthly bringhome pay...he spends 300 a month in gas to get to work.

So no...we dont have luxury items. I know how to be smart...and we do live smart based on our budget. But regardless...we shouldnt have to hire someone when hes capable. Like ive said a few times already...Its maybe once amonth if that something needs done...so why should we have to put out money that could be used for the baby to hire someone to do something mly husband is capable of doing but to lazy to do?

Also...I wasnt going to spend the whole thousand dollars on our child for christmas. But Yes...i want to be able to give our daughter some nice things for christmas and theres nothign wrong with that and nobody can make me think there is. We also have about 5 kids in his family that I would like to get a few things for that are older. So I want to give children something for christmas. Not a whole 1000 worth...but christmas was one example of soemthing we could use the money for. There are lots of others, Like our attic door has been broke for a year now...we havent had the couple hundred to replace it.

PibblesRun

Oh yeah thats one thing I forgot to answer before. I thought about getting a night job to make some money so he can watch our girl and wont have to pay a sitter...but theres a problem with that. He is on call once every 2 weeks for 7 days. So if he gets a call to go in to work and im working and he has our daughter were screwed. And no job is gonna let me have off 7 days every 2 weeks. I couldnt find a job making enough money to pay daycare if I worked during the day. Daycare here is 800 a month for a full time kid.

Poorgirls_Diet

First let me start by saying...if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all. You dont know me, or my husband so theres no harm in me asking an opinion. Ive read threads where people ask marital advice and some people just demean them for asking personal advice on the internet. I have talked to my family sometimes...but there are some things I dont want to ask my family or friends because I dont want them forming negative opinions of my husband. I try to talk to him...but it always ends in a fight because he thinks im telling him hes a piece of ****...which is never my words! I dont know how else to word it as to not offend him.

Ill try and make it short. Im a stay at home mom for our 8 month old girl. I bust my butt all day every day to properly take care of our child and give her a loving home! I make sure our house is spotless, Laundrys done, dinners ready for him when he comes home from work, get up, make his breakfast, pack his lunches, balance the budget, pay the bills, do the shopping I even do the yardwork and take out the trash! I dont ask anything of my husband because he works 8 hours a day to provide for us. And dont get me wrong, I appreciate it...which is why I do all that I do. Im glad I can stay home with our daughter.

The problem...when something is asked of my husband, he wont do whatever needs done for weeks (like house repairs) and I let it go and I dont nag or bug him until a month or more goes by...then Ill ask nicley...hey could you please do this...I get a crappy attitude "I told you Id F ing do it didnt I, do you want me to do it this F ing second?" Well no but its been a while now and it needs done (like trying to find a leak!) not minor stuff sometimes! And then another month goes by still not done. Same thing over and over.

A side job...my husband used to be a contractor so he will do odd jobs on weekends sometimes for people he knows. He went and looked at a roof job 2 months ago! An easy 1,000 dollars...we really need that money for christmas! I asked if he gave her a price yet 2 weeks ago, I get the normal nasty "No, when do you F ing expect me to do it im always F ing busy" (mind you he works a normal 8-5 job) and then comes home and sits in front of the tv the rest of the night. But hes too busy to give her a price to do her roof! So this morning I asked him if he had a chance yet, get the same answer of course. So as nice as I can sound I tell him, well why dont you do it now, your not doing anything? We could really use the money for christmas honey" so I get a "Fine Ill F ing do it now if it will get you to stop Fing nagging me and shut the *kitten* up!" He procedes to scream and stomp out of the house and slam the door right in front of our little girl. Then he comes back in and sits down and still doesnt do it. I could understand if we didnt need the money, I wouldnt care. But I would think he would want to do it so we could get our girl some nice gifts for her first christmas.

Im just baffled and hurt and fed up with this stuff, the laziness and the attitude. (granted hes not lazy when it comes to his normal paying job, and I do appreciate that, and I do tell him that all the time) I dont just ask him to get things done, I also tell him things I love that he does and thank him for all that he does. He thinks because he works and makes money that he doesnt have to do anything else. he makes comments like, I worked all day, im tired. Or on the weekends...its my F ing weekend and im going to relax because I work hard. (hes a maintenance supervisor) I cant get him to understand that when your an adult and have a home and a child your "job" doesnt stop when you punch out of your paying job, i cant get him to take any other responsibilities besides his paying job.

Am I really asking that much??? We still are intimate regularly, at least 5 days a week. So hes not sexually frustrated or lacking intamacy! I think he has it pretty good, or am I expecting too much?

Unfortunately like you I opened up about my martial affairs on my own profile wall as I was in an mentally and physical abusive relationship. I needed advice from people that I thought was my friends on my list. Instead I got racially targetted and was sent abusive emails by two women in particular that made my life a living hell for two months. These women didn't know my situation but they didn't like me coming on to a public site like this and 'dishing' my husband and because I was a different religion to them didn't help either. I wasn't, I just needed advice as in what to do next as in the real world I don't have many friends because I hid myself away from them all because of what was going on.

Anyways you need to either seek counselling for yourself or have couples therapy for both of you. I am sorry you are going through this and i hope you can get the help you need. Sorry I can't be of any more help as to be honest don't know what I am to do in my own situation either.

oregonzoo

Oh yeah thats one thing I forgot to answer before. I thought about getting a night job to make some money so he can watch our girl and wont have to pay a sitter...but theres a problem with that. He is on call once every 2 weeks for 7 days. So if he gets a call to go in to work and im working and he has our daughter were screwed. And no job is gonna let me have off 7 days every 2 weeks. I couldnt find a job making enough money to pay daycare if I worked during the day. Daycare here is 800 a month for a full time kid.

Where there is a will there is a way. You are not being spoken to in a proper way.
It's not good for you, or your child. And with a defeatist attitude that always gives reasons why something can't be accomplished.....well it can't.

I wish you much luck with this situation. It's a sticky sticky spot that I am thanking my lucky stars every day I'm not in anymore.

michelejoann

I would be on strike in a second in that environment. The only thing I would do would be to take care of my child and that is it. I would stop cleaning the house, I would stop making him meals. I wouldn't do his laundry. I wouldn't do a damn thing for someone who abused me in the way your husband is abusing you. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. That is crazy mental and emotional abuse. It is wrong and it needs to stop. If you don't stop it your daughter will grow up thinking that is how a woman is supposed to be treated. She will marry someone just like him and the cycle will continue.

If you don't have enough self respect to demand he treat you better, you should have enough love for your daughter to do it.

THIS.

Polly758

One more thing to think about, if he talks to you like that and disrespects you constantly, your daughter will grow up disrespecting you too.

YES...and Ive told him this before. But again, he thinks im putting him down and telling him hes a horrible husband and father. I dont know how else to word things with him to make him not think that!

It doens't have anything to do with the way you're saying it. He knows he can get out of it by saying "you're hurting my feelings" then he has just changed your request into the conversation HE wants to have.

Does it go something like this?

"Honey, do you mind fixing the gutters, it's still dripping right over the walkway"

"How dare you call me lazy, you're a horrible woman! I work all day to come home to this?"

LittleMissRainey

Honestly, I think that for an easy life you're being a doormat, and that all his F-ing and blinding is his way of verbally wiping his big muddy feet all over you.

Start putting your foot down - if he thinks he can talk to you however he pleases and still get everything done for him then he has another think coming!

Hell, start witholding sex, it's probably the only thing that'll get his attention. If he's not frustrated in that way, then he's just being a first class d!ck.

Your daughter doesn't deserve to have this sorry excuse as her first impression of men, and you don't deserve to have this sorry excuse for a husband. I'd give him an ultimatum and if he didn't like it, screw it just leave.

k8eekins

Some will regard your "below the radar" pressurised nudges, despite the time difference from whence you last enquired, as though you are asking for too much, if it is coming off as being all about the money, whilst using the neglected tasks around the house as the weapons of choice "to hurry" him along speedily, for the deadline, aside from the recurring profanities and his adamant refusal to attend to your requests within your time frame, with such rebuff.

Your beautiful baby girl is young enough still to not remember this first Christmas@$1K; You are a conscious wife and mother of your first child obviously, where your expectations and your desires for a perfect Christmas for your family, might be a tad too much a luxury expense, your one-income family can not afford for the time being.

From what I've read so far of what you've shared - asking at all in your case is too much to ask! I don't blame you for worrying, for any woman would given your circumstances, with a hubby whose expertise is more than aptly qualified to mend what needs direct attention. That said however, the obvious is as it is - staring you in the face, where he is clearly in limbo; Likes you enough, but is confused and is fighting his inner complexes and conflicts - of possibly wanting to be elsewhere - but there.

AnninStPaul

On a side note, I am pretty horrified at the way he speaks to you.

My boyfriend of 3 years never spoke to me like this once. It is unacceptable in my opinion.

And no, you're not asking too much. I just think he's lazy.

Agreed; my husband has never spoken to me that way, and we've been together since Thanksgiving 1993. When I ask him to do something, I set a timeline: can you fix the window shade before New Year's. That gives him time to think about the repair, what tools or items might be needed to do the work, etc.

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to do the side job; if I were the potential client I'd have moved on by now (if you can't get me a timely quote, why should I expect you'll get the job done in a reasonable timeframe?).

And while I appreciate all you are doing -- it may be that you are doing too much for no good reason. Only the kitchen and possibly the bath need a daily swipe, the rest can live with weekly at most. Towels, sheets, etc don't need changing more than once a week, and he's not going to notice if you do it more often. For another 8 mos, your daughter will be napping upwards of three hours a day, and you do not need to spend nearly that much time cooking and cleaning.

Redbird99ky

If your house payment is more than half of your monthly take-home pay, you are "house poor". I am guessing that you bought the house while you were BOTH still working, as most respectable lenders won't let a prospective borrower go over about 35 - 38% debt-to-income ratio.

You are spending way too much on house. I am sure this is a point of stress for both of you.

Does he REALLY realize how much you two spend on your mortgage???? again, I STRONGLY recommend that you two do your budget TOGETHER.

All that being said, it appears to me as if he will refuse to step up to the plate (although I could be wrong), and that you will probably need to do what you need to do to keep you and your baby safe and away from an abusive environment.

Polly758

Check your library for a book called "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

****, I'll send you a copy. It's that big a deal. I read it because I knew a friend was being abused, and then a few years down the road I started getting the sneaking suspicion that I was being abused, as well.

And I hate to call it abuse when he's not hitting or threatening you, but he's being a manipulative a-hole, but unfortunately there's not really a better word.

The book may be a help.

Capt_Apollo

someone in the beginning mentioned learning how to do home repairs by yourself. honestly, it's pretty easy these days with the internet.

he likes having this power over you, that you rely on him to get things done around the house. and denying it from you is a way for him to flex that power.

get a white board for the fridge. write down the things you need/want done around the house. as you do them, cross them off. ten bucks says that after he sees you cross one off, he'll start doing the others.

and if he flips out saying something like "i don't need you to make me a list," you just tell him that the list is for you.

XXXMinnieXXX

Very familiar. My partner doesn't talk to me like that, but it is hard to get him to do anything but his job... And I mean ANYTHING... Trust me I get mad. Helps I am understanding where he's at. I've been there myself. He's very depressed and worn out with work also... Every single tiny thing he's asked to do extra is overwhelming for him. When I'm low I can get where I feel the same!

I've say down had a chat with him, and tell him he goes all out in the new year to get a new job and changes other things about his lifestyle too. Maybe your partner is suffering with depression too... It's very common. Maybe try to have a gold old fashioned sit down and chat!.. Not easy... Men don't talk much!

Zara x

hkry3250

First let me start by saying...if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all. You dont know me, or my husband so theres no harm in me asking an opinion. Ive read threads where people ask marital advice and some people just demean them for asking personal advice on the internet. I have talked to my family sometimes...but there are some things I dont want to ask my family or friends because I dont want them forming negative opinions of my husband. I try to talk to him...but it always ends in a fight because he thinks im telling him hes a piece of ****...which is never my words! I dont know how else to word it as to not offend him.

Ill try and make it short. Im a stay at home mom for our 8 month old girl. I bust my butt all day every day to properly take care of our child and give her a loving home! I make sure our house is spotless, Laundrys done, dinners ready for him when he comes home from work, get up, make his breakfast, pack his lunches, balance the budget, pay the bills, do the shopping I even do the yardwork and take out the trash! I dont ask anything of my husband because he works 8 hours a day to provide for us. And dont get me wrong, I appreciate it...which is why I do all that I do. Im glad I can stay home with our daughter.

The problem...when something is asked of my husband, he wont do whatever needs done for weeks (like house repairs) and I let it go and I dont nag or bug him until a month or more goes by...then Ill ask nicley...hey could you please do this...I get a crappy attitude "I told you Id F ing do it didnt I, do you want me to do it this F ing second?" Well no but its been a while now and it needs done (like trying to find a leak!) not minor stuff sometimes! And then another month goes by still not done. Same thing over and over.

A side job...my husband used to be a contractor so he will do odd jobs on weekends sometimes for people he knows. He went and looked at a roof job 2 months ago! An easy 1,000 dollars...we really need that money for christmas! I asked if he gave her a price yet 2 weeks ago, I get the normal nasty "No, when do you F ing expect me to do it im always F ing busy" (mind you he works a normal 8-5 job) and then comes home and sits in front of the tv the rest of the night. But hes too busy to give her a price to do her roof! So this morning I asked him if he had a chance yet, get the same answer of course. So as nice as I can sound I tell him, well why dont you do it now, your not doing anything? We could really use the money for christmas honey" so I get a "Fine Ill F ing do it now if it will get you to stop Fing nagging me and shut the *kitten* up!" He procedes to scream and stomp out of the house and slam the door right in front of our little girl. Then he comes back in and sits down and still doesnt do it. I could understand if we didnt need the money, I wouldnt care. But I would think he would want to do it so we could get our girl some nice gifts for her first christmas.

Im just baffled and hurt and fed up with this stuff, the laziness and the attitude. (granted hes not lazy when it comes to his normal paying job, and I do appreciate that, and I do tell him that all the time) I dont just ask him to get things done, I also tell him things I love that he does and thank him for all that he does. He thinks because he works and makes money that he doesnt have to do anything else. he makes comments like, I worked all day, im tired. Or on the weekends...its my F ing weekend and im going to relax because I work hard. (hes a maintenance supervisor) I cant get him to understand that when your an adult and have a home and a child your "job" doesnt stop when you punch out of your paying job, i cant get him to take any other responsibilities besides his paying job.

Am I really asking that much??? We still are intimate regularly, at least 5 days a week. So hes not sexually frustrated or lacking intamacy! I think he has it pretty good, or am I expecting too much?

Ok, you said, he used to be a contractor, but what does he do now? If he's still a contractor, then that explains a lot.

Polly758

Yeah...I need out. I realize that now as I write all these things down.

Someone gave me this advice when I was pre-divorce:

Get all your ducks in a row.

Don't change anything, don't tell anyone who knows both of you. Just get ready. Bank accounts, documents, a place to live, spare keys to the house and car, a lawyer to start the paperwork, everything. Then if/when you do leave, he gets served and you're already gone.

He's not above scaring you with the threat of violence (punching the wall). Keep doing everything the way you're doing it until the last minute and do whatever it takes to make sure you and your child are safe.

RobfromLakewood

Since I haven't heard his side of the story, I wouldn't venture to make an opinion on all the issues you brought up. But there are a few things that I do have an opinion on, primarily the vulgarity and seeming mean-spirit way he speaks to you. I can't imagine talking to my wife that way. It's not like we get along perfect, 100% of the time, but I can't imagine people who love each other communicating like this.

I think this is the issue that needs to be addressed before any of the others. I would like to think you do have times of peaceful and loving communication. I think during one of these times, you could hopefully address some guidelines to how you two communicate with each other.

Easier said than done, but essential, since Adriana will be seeing this as the way men should interact with her when she's old enough to be involved in relationships.

SeaRunner26

A couple thoughts come to mind. First, I was horrified by the way he speaks to you. Is that normal for you two? Do you speak the same way to him or is it just one way? Does he do it in front of your child. That's a big red flad for me. It tells me he doesn't respect you.

Second, by doing everything (cleaning, laundry, trash, yardwork, etc.) you're training him to expect that you'll take care of everything at home. On that note, it's not surprising with the character your describing would react the way you've written when asked to do something at home. You've basically taught him that it's your job by way of your actions.

Hope this helps.

determined136

I did this exact same thing for my family/husband. I have four kids and was able to stay home with them until my youngest was 4. I felt like the least I could do was make his life eaiser since I was able to stay home. Well this backfired on me because fast forward 15 years and I was still doing it all and working a full time job....needless to say it didn't work and we are no longer together. He would have stayed forever....I was fed up with it!

Best of luck to you ... but remember that you should never be disrespected!!! EVER!!!!

weighlossforbaby

Just because he works doesn't mean he shouldn't repair things around the house when things break. He's the man & the husband so he should act like it. He has no right to talk to you like that no matter what!!!!!! You need to get out or get into couple therapy.