Those of you who have or have had a B**chy teenage girl
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I have a bitc*y 17 year old male. I think all teenagers are as*hats until they get older. I love how he thinks he knows everything at 17, but the only thing he does know is how to push my buttons. All teens think the world owes them something. I told my son the world owes him nothing and all we owe him is food, clothing, and shelter and to help him on his way to his dreams. When your daughter gets in the real world and sees how hard you had to work, that is when it will end.
edit: to make clear, my husband and I don't put up with any of his crap. We may not have much, but we love him. His friends have told him he is lucky that their parents don't spend time with them. sad, in my opinion.0 -
im an 18 year old girl and have definitely been too mean to my mom before too. i always feel bad after, but sometimes it is really hard to admit our wrongness and apologize, even if we want to. im sorry that she hurts your feelings, and i dont know if she realizes what she is doing, but i think she definitely loves you and cares about you WAY more than she shows. she will outgrow this and later feel horrible for it, but as cliche and annoying as what i'm about to say is: she is just being a teenage girl.
im writing this out of experience because i regret every time i hurt my mom, too. our relationship was horrible, but got much better around when i turned 18. i hope she gets through this stage soon. i wish you the best.0 -
I do remember the pain of having a 16 year old daughter. I wish I had been able to be more supportive and patient with her at the time, as she was going through a lot of *kitten*, having a slight learning disability and sometimes being the target of the cool kids. She was really rude, inconsiderate, and her room was a disaster zone. Fortunately she wasn't into drugs or promiscuity as that can really really mess up a kid. In retrospect I think that shows that she was strong willed in many ways.
She graduated from HS and moved out on her own, a couple provinces away.
She's 28 now and very pleasant to be around.0 -
At 17, the part of her brain that regulates emotions and reasoning has not finished forming yet. Her hormones are at an all time high. Put these together and you can have a very volatile teen. It WILL get better with time and life experience. My daughters had their horrible times growing up, but now they are 22 and 24 and see life a whole lot differently than they did then.
Try not to take things she says personally. She is just using every weapon she can to get her way. If she knows she gets to you, she wins.
Set well-defined boundaries. Allow her to respectfully discuss things she doesn't like and be willing to compromise on certain things, but don't allow screaming, cursing, and other abusive behavior.
Remain calm and in control at all times. You must model the behavior that you want from her. Kids learn more by seeing than they do hearing. Don't try to address issues when she is upset. Give her time to cool down first so you can discuss them calmly.
And just be patient, loving and consistent. She will eventually grow out of this time and realize soon that her mom isn't the idiot she thought you were.
The payoff is watching them grow into wonderfully self-sufficient, caring adults that give you beautiful grandbabies!0 -
It gets better... I have two daughters (22 & 19).
I never engaged in a "screaming match" with them. I always stated the reasons behind the rules (not just a "because I said"). The rules where clear, the punishments for breaking them were clearer. If they choose to break them they got the punishment every single time (and generally I would tell them I was sorry they were upset by the punishment and I wished they had of made different decisions).
If they approached me in a respectful way and asked to have a curfew extended or a change in the rules I would discuss it and if their reasons were good, I would allow it (with provisions). When they were nasty to me I told them exactly how it made me feel (little guilt never hurt no one! LOL). Generally it was always followed by a "cooling off" period and then they would apologize (on their own).
Ultimately, my husband (who generally leaves discipline up to me) would put them in their place if they were rude to me. He's a big believer in never disrespecting your mother (so awesome backup!). I didn't have a problem saying "I'm not discussing this right now because I'm so mad I might say something hurtful". We butted heads many times (it wasn't perfect by any means) but I always tried to remember I was the adult and conduct myself as such. Now that they are older, the relationships are much better. We are close and they come to me for advise. Teen girls are hard because they are so moody and they are out for blood when they are mad. It's hard to not react in the same way.
They both still live home so still have rules. My oldest pretty much does what she wants but has to let us know if she's staying out all night. My youngest still has to ask for permission to stay out all night or go away for the weekend (although she seldom gets told no). They are both expected to pick up after themselves, do chores when asked and be respectful of each other and us. They are pretty well adjusted young ladies. My oldest is an RN and saving to buy a house. My youngest is still "figuring it out" and can be a little flakey (I always call her out on it though).
Hang in there, it will get better!!
Sounds like my house. I have 5 kids including two girls (12yo & soon 8yo). Respect is huge here. The 12yo is very mature for her age but sometimes has her bad days... like any of us. If she were screaming at me, she would be told that the expectation is that she is going to apologize and she is losing something. Sometimes I give the kids a second chance before immediately doling out a punishment (to show that I understand everyone makes mistakes), depending on if they showed self control and nipped their bad behavior in the bud. As they get older, I expect that their behavior should improve as they mature. Being a "teenager" shouldn't be an excuse for bad behavior. I do however understand that more and more, as they get older and have more freedoms and test their wings a bit, that their choices are more out of my control. I just hope and pray that I've given them the best foundation for making their own choices going forward.0 -
I agree with all the other girls on here that were once teens. I was a total terror for my mother. It stopped once I got to college and finally started understanding why she did all the things she did.... It was to protect me and keep me safe.
One time I was bugging the *kitten* out of my mom by following her down the hallway asking her why I couldn't go over to a friends house. She turned to me and said, "Do NOT follow me to my bedroom." Well.... I did. I was following behind her nagging at her and the next thing I know I'm up against the wall with her hand on my chest. I stopped following her. My mom never spanked me so her putting me against the wall was a big moment for me because I realized just how far I had pushed her and it started to really hurt me that I had treated her that way.
I think it takes a certain level a maturity before the teenage kid really realizes what they've been doing to their parents... if they don't reach that level (I know a girl who is 20 and doesn't understand what she's doing to her mother, my friend) then it may take until they're in there late 20's to 30's....0 -
I was terrible as a teenager. My mom has this theory that nature makes us that way as teenagers, that way when we move out, it will be a relief and won't hurt so much.
One of my friends said this is God's way of making it easier on us mom's when we drop them off in the dorms.0 -
This thread should be renamed "birth control"!
After these stories and remembering how mean I was to my mom (i still feel SOOOOO guilty) I am newly motivated to NOT have kids!0 -
She screamed at you?Does it ever get better? Mine is going to be 17 on Dec. 21st. I can't talk to her about anything without feeling like I have to walk on eggshells. She screamed at me last night on the phone and when I talked to her this morning about it and really expected an apology she just kept up the b**ch act and acted like she was better than that. This is the type of relationship that if it wasn't my daughter, I would be walking away from it.
So I want to know, does it get better? Will she wake up one day and realize that she should be nicer to me? I feel like crying right now. She is my only child. My Mom and I have a great relationship and one day I want to have that with her, but right now I just want to have time away from her. I feel bad for even writing that.
Once she got how she should have gotten popped in the mouth.
Plain and simple.
You are her Mother, not her boyfriend.
We have 3 teenage daughters and a son and none of them would ever do that to their mother. They have all been brought up knowing that it is unacceptable and that the consequences will be swift and severe. I am not sure what you do about it once you let it get to this point, but I think that this guy has the right idea.0 -
Didn't read all of the posts but I am right there with you, except my daughter is only 14. She actually is a good kid, I have to keep reminding myself of that, she doesn't get in trouble, she doesn't skip school, she hangs out with "good" kids, she's in honors classes, etc. However, she has an attitude about everything, I wonder if she doesn't know the words "thank you." God forbid i say somethign slightly critical of her (your hair is a mess, your room is a mess, you have mascara under your eyes) i am instantly evil and mean and a horrible parent. She is lazy, and admits it, she only cares about what she cares about and nothing else, mom take me here, mom pick me up, mom bring me dinner. its a tough line to walk between tough love let her be responsible and not set her up for failure...either way i go she hates me for it:) Luckily i can remember being a teenager as it wasnt that long ago and i can pick my battles and know it will get better, my poor husband though, he may not live through the teen years:)0
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Hang in there. I think there should be some sort of major award or prize for getting through those years! :drinker:
There is it is called grandparenthood.0 -
At 17 she really should have grown out of that phase by now. Could be she's just a jerk. All the adult jerks in the world were children once too, you know.
Not necessarily true and way too negative. I was that b**chy girl. I left my parents house when I was 17 bc I thought I had it all figured out. I put them through hell. That's no joke. But, I'm not the same person that I was back then. At 17, hormones are still raging and she is fighting for her independence and trying to figure out who she is. You don't have to take *kitten* from her though. Stick to your rules and be firm, but give her a little bit of space. Let her know you love her (I'm sure you already do), and don't be too smothering. When she acts b**chy, just let her know that you aren't going to subject yourself to that attitude.
I have an 11-year-old boy and I swear he acts like a 16-year-old. I walk away when he starts bucking up. I'm not going to listen to it. He knows that when he is ready to talk nicer to me, then I will listen.0 -
My parents tell me I was a really good teenager, but I definitely had my moments of conflict with my mom. She referred to me as "overdramatic little *****" to other people numerous times, which only made my relationship with her worse. Disrespect was not tolerated in my parents' home and I can honestly say I did a good job of keeping my nose clean, but my mom's attitude towards me definitely did damage... damage we're still trying to repair.
I don't have children yet, so I can't give practical advice except to say, please don't call her a ***** or let her hear you calling her that. Talk to her, tell her that her behavior is extreme and isn't acceptable, and be there for her if she needs you. The stupidest things can be the end of the world for a teenage girl... she'll understand that eventually. I'm sure it will pass.0 -
My sisters a *****y teenage girl, well all 3 are/were and I have smacked my fair share of faces and put them many times in their place.I respect them and they respect me, its different when it comes to family, but thanks to them I have skill in this area. Girlfriends don't back talk me and they've taught me to take no **** from any woman. Women can say boohoo men are jerky but I think women can definitely be 100% as evil, if not evil-er.
You seem like quite the catch....
I was thinking the same thing. hahahaha I'd like to see him try and smack any female around me. Someone would be getting a beat down....and it wouldn't be this women
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Okay, if this sounds mean, it is not my intention at all. I am truthfully just trying to help. So I'm sorry in advance if it does sound mean. ~~~
She sounds pretty normal to me
. With the exception of it seems like maybe something ELSE is bothering her, and she doesn't want to/feel like she can talk to you about it, whatever it is. If that's the case there are a few ways of approaching it.
But foremost, do not *act* angry. When people ACT angry it makes them seem unapproachable. Also, as a teenager I hated it when my Mom tried to get an apology out of me. To this day, NO ONE can force an apology out of me by acting angry, or sulking. I have to actually feel sorry, and if the person in question is feeling sorry for themselves, I do NOT feel sorry. I figure they are doing a well enough job on their own .
Now if something else is bothering her you can try to have an unrelated conversation with her and slowly work into more serious "Is something bothering you? You can talk to me about anything" etc. Or, when tempers cool off you can just flat out ask her what's up. There are numerous ways, only you know your relationship with your daughter best, so take what you know and apply it.
Or she could just be PMSing. In which case, we can all get that way.0 -
I feel a lot of people have already said this but I'm sure things will get better. I went through a phase my last few years of high school and my first year of college when I was living at home. I remember it well, I feel bad for saying it, but I couldn't stand being around my mom. I hated being at home, I hated being told what to do, I hated being asked about my life. Being a teenage girl is one thing I am fine with never experiencing again. I had no control of my emotions, the only good thing is I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight.
When I moved away to a different college I realized how much I love my mom and how much she did for me. I missed her so much! We would talk on the phone for hours, our whole relationship changed and we became so much closer. Now I am 25 and married and I still can't stand to go to long without talking to my mommy! All I want is to show her how much she means to me and how much I appreciate her.0 -
It gets better!
I don't have a teenage girl, but one of my younger sisters was really tough. She's still highstrung as an adult and you still have to be careful what you say to her, some people are just like that. The other two of us even'd out a lot with age.
Experiment with how you communicate with her to minimize the negative reactions as much as possible. Basically all you can do right now is try to avoid a bunch of negative memories and hope she grows out of it. Is she better behaved when others are around? Maybe have a girls day out once a week or so with her and your mother if that helps keep her in line. Otherwise, yeah, next few years are still going to be tough.0 -
Okay, you absolutely do not have to look at teenagers as adults, because they are not adults. Yes, you must treat ALL PEOPLE with respect, but let's not get out of hand. Teenagers are not adults. Their brains are wired to believe they are adults, yet they still very much need REAL ADULT guidance.Listen to her. Her point of view. Don't think you're always right.
As a teenager that's all I can say.
Yes because teenagers have such a wealth of life experience... :noway:
This is the problem. You have to look at them as adults. Treat them with respect.0 -
I have (3) teens... 16, 15, & 14. My girls are 14 & 15. The verb you used they haven't been. However, they do attempt to become mouthy at times. They are somewhat terrified with mom's potential wrath so they go head on with dad......
Anyhow, there's not much you can do. It, for the most part, IS a phase. However, I with none of us knowing her or you or y'all relationship she IS 17 (now take this with a grain of salt because I do fairly candid parenting) if she wants to start speaking to you like a grown up she needs to start contributing like a grown up. I don't know if she's getting ready to go off to college or where she is in that spectrum but you may have to do some tough parenting here. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. As hard as it is.
Good luck.0 -
Listen to her. Her point of view. Don't think you're always right.
As a teenager that's all I can say.
Yes because teenagers have such a wealth of life experience... :noway:
This is the problem. You have to look at them as adults. Treat them with respect.
While I don't disagree with treating teens with respect, they are NOT adults. They are adolescents who do not yet have the maturity to reason as adults. They lack perspective, world experience, and 99% of the time think only of themselves.
As to the OP - I feel you and don't have the magic answer. My oldest daughter is 16 and can definitely be a B. One thing I know for certain is that her moods are very tied to her cycle - therefore we take that into consideration when dealing with her. I can only hope that it gets better - I know I was a mean, terrible daughter to my mom, but somehow I outgrew it and still had a great relationship with her once I was older. I'm hoping for the same with my daughter because we honestly don't have a great relationship now and it makes me sad.0 -
She screamed at you?Does it ever get better? Mine is going to be 17 on Dec. 21st. I can't talk to her about anything without feeling like I have to walk on eggshells. She screamed at me last night on the phone and when I talked to her this morning about it and really expected an apology she just kept up the b**ch act and acted like she was better than that. This is the type of relationship that if it wasn't my daughter, I would be walking away from it.
So I want to know, does it get better? Will she wake up one day and realize that she should be nicer to me? I feel like crying right now. She is my only child. My Mom and I have a great relationship and one day I want to have that with her, but right now I just want to have time away from her. I feel bad for even writing that.
Once she got how she should have gotten popped in the mouth.
Plain and simple.
You are her Mother, not her boyfriend.
We have 3 teenage daughters and a son and none of them would ever do that to their mother. They have all been brought up knowing that it is unacceptable and that the consequences will be swift and severe. I am not sure what you do about it once you let it get to this point, but I think that this guy has the right idea.
I agree. I was a crazy, hormonal, emotional wreck as a teenager. If I ever back-talked either one of my parents I got popped in the mouth. It just wasn't acceptable, and I knew what was going to happen as soon as I said something disrespectful to either of them.
Like someone else said, I am terrified of having a teenage daughter. My little girl is 4 going on 16. She was crying this morning after I told her for the umpteenth time to get her socks and shoes on for school. When I asked her why she was crying, she said, "Because you're telling me what to do, and you're not the boss." Baaahahahaha. God help me!0 -
Smart lady! I think way too many people want to be friends with their kids instead of being parents first. I will treat them with respect, but some lines are not to be crossed. Yelling at or getting physical with mom is one of them. We have only had a problem with it once and it was with our son getting physical and trying to use his much larger size to intimidate mom. He did not like the results . . .
Okay, you absolutely do not have to look at teenagers as adults, because they are not adults. Yes, you must treat ALL PEOPLE with respect, but let's not get out of hand. Teenagers are not adults. Their brains are wired to believe they are adults, yet they still very much need REAL ADULT guidance.Listen to her. Her point of view. Don't think you're always right.
As a teenager that's all I can say.
Yes because teenagers have such a wealth of life experience... :noway:
This is the problem. You have to look at them as adults. Treat them with respect.
The good news is the girls all saw or heard it and his one mistake corrected all four of them, permanently so far.0 -
My sisters a *****y teenage girl, well all 3 are/were and I have smacked my fair share of faces and put them many times in their place.I respect them and they respect me, its different when it comes to family, but thanks to them I have skill in this area. Girlfriends don't back talk me and they've taught me to take no **** from any woman. Women can say boohoo men are jerky but I think women can definitely be 100% as evil, if not evil-er.
'smacking girls in the face' can result in your butt going to jail. Just so you know. That is no way to show the respect you claim to have.0 -
my best advice....... as a teen who acted out like this (dealing with a lot of personal issues I didnt know how to handle at the time). As a teen who cussed my mom out on a regular basis even after getting back handed against the wall. As a teen who did what I wanted because my mom "walked away".......
please do not do that. walking away from her how ever difficult it is to talk to her or have a relationship with her please learn to just listen and not walk away from frustration; because it can lead to much worse things (in my case I turned to drugs and alcohol at 16/17 because my mom couldnt just listen and be a mom when I needed her *yes poor excuse i know but I was immature**)
Best thing to do is just continue being the loving, caring, understanding mom. Don't give input unless asked, don't pass judgement, don't remind her of consequences, don't make threats, etc. Just listen say you understand and you love her, Keep your distance for her to make own choics and learn consequences but pay attention and stay one step ahead. good luck.0 -
I was terrible as a teenager. My mom has this theory that nature makes us that way as teenagers, that way when we move out, it will be a relief and won't hurt so much.
One of my friends said this is God's way of making it easier on us mom's when we drop them off in the dorms.
LOL, Oh so true!0 -
There's a GREAT book called... something like, "Help, my teenager is crazy" and it explains the biological reasons why they get rebellious, crazy, and... well... stupid. It really gives great advice on how to handle the difficult teens and what to do to keep your relationship strong.
I have a 16 year old and frankly, she's my best friend (although I'm her mother first, then her friend). I try to choose my battles very carefully and be her advocate as well as her sounding board. There was a time a year ago when all of a sudden, she hated me and wouldn't talk about why. She hated living in the house, hated me, wouldn't talk to me, and was crying all the time. I, very matter of factly said that i was sorry she was so unhappy and that unfortunately, her living with someone else was not an option, but I would be happy to take her to talk to a professional of her choice and that she didn't have to talk to me about whatever was wrong and that i was very sad that she no longer enjoyed spending time with me but I hoped that one day that would change again. Then I left it at that.
She did let me take her to a professional, who she hated. I met him and didn't like him either, and we ended up laughing about what an idiot he was. Then she didn't want to talk to anyone else and within a month, was back to her old self and we've never had an issue again.
I make sure she knows that I think she's brilliant and beautiful (i do), and tell her about all the things I admire about her, and I also make sure she feels important (she knows I suck at math, so when I have something to figure out, I call her. even though I could really have done it myself, but it makes her feel good).
She recently wanted to drop her french class and her guidance counselor wouldn't let her. I made an appointment and went in, and spoke on her behalf about her time management skills and how it's important to also realize when you have too much on your plate, and then remove something and that i was proud of her for doing that. Her counselor said, "ok, yes. You're right. I'll take care of it" and my daughter was very happy that I did that for her and was her advocate, not her enemy. 0 -
I was your daughter and I infinitely feel awful for the way I treated my parents - my mother especially. It took having my own child (at 20 y/o & no, I am NOT recommending that as solution) for me to snap the fu(k out of it. Remember she has raging hormones right now but it will get better. I'm sorry you're having such an awful time right now.
My suggestion is to try writing her a letter so you can convey your feelings without it turning into a shouting match; encourage her to respond with a letter; you both deserve to be heard. Don't outrightly place any blame her - that won't help, i.e. No sentences that begin with "You *insert action word*" You'll have to get crafty with the verbiage and it might even be as simple as "I'm sorry I don't understand what you're going through. I'm here if you need me. Love, Mom"0 -
I discipline teenagers for a living. During each of my pregnancies, I was so hopeful that I would have boys. The more I have to deal with teenage girl drama in my office, the less I want to deal with it in my own home. Teenage girls will tell me that they say things to purposefully hurt their moms. And yes, it is usually the mother who is the target of their evil behavior. They also hold a grudge. Forever. Boys explode, make a bad decision, and get over it. Girls let things fester like an infected splinter. Also, social media has not been kind to them.
I am so pleased and fortunate to have two young sons.
Hang in there!0 -
My dad and I didn't get along AT ALL when I was a teenager. I was "grounded for life" more times that I can remember! lol I was angsty, he was a little overprotective and that led to a ton of disagreements. Things got a bit better once I turned 18 and graduated high school because my parents gave me a lot more freedom. But everything changed and got even better once I moved out on my own. My dad and I started to get along and actually enjoy each other's company. Anyway, it WILL get better but it will probably take some time to get to that point.0
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Here is an email I received from a very dear friend. She sent it at the time I was ready to move out of my own house:
"hi honey.
i've been meaning to respond to your last e-mail with an oh have i been there done that reply.
so yes. and no. william has never given me a moment of trouble. he's been fortunate enough to simply not get caught i am sure - but i remain grateful for that!
katie has been and still is a handfull. defiant. opinionated. independant. and oh so stupid all at the same time! i could not wait and i mean it seriously - could not wait for her to go to college far, far away. she was a royal pain in the *kitten* and i wanted to kill her. she tested me and fought me and irked me and it seemed relished reminding me that she was an adult now and could do what she wanted...like getting a tattoo right about her vagina that reads: love above all.
oh how she hates that tattoo now and oh how i love the fact that she wishes she had listened to me! but they never do.
the trick about raising extra-ordinary daughters like ours is that success is defined at times like these with simply keeping them out of jail and not pregnant. seriously for me those were the two things...everything else i could find a way to handle as long as she didn't have a criminal record or a child/abortion.
and now at 22 years old she is my biggest fan. she tells me she doesn't know how i did what i did to give her the room she needed to learn the lessons she learned. and perhaps i was simply lucky but it worked for her.
having said that tho - katie didn't have her own car, nor did she have a serious boyfriend so her freedom to get places was not as easy and she wasn't being tempted in the same way as becca with a "man" she loved.
but i've been thru the drunk driving deal, taken her to the e.r. to get her tummy pumped out, helped her file a restraining order gainst a crazy ex, talked her thru the morning after pill, driven to god only knows where to pick her up, defended her when she didn't really deserve it and prasied her when she did.
you'll get thru it. it is hell but becca is a remarkable kid and they are the most difficult to raise...but also the most fun to enjoy later on!
and one last thing i learned, but you most likely know - do not let anyone tell you your kid is bad - no matter if she is caught with a gun in her hand i was katies biggest defender. no one talked **** about my daughter and got away with it in my presence. she is who she is and i loved every bit of her - even when i wanted to kill her or she was once again breaking my heart. no one had the right or the room to question my love, my parenting,my actions or her hair color! it was and will always will be me and katie vs. the world. even when i wanted to kill her...did i mention that
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