Those of you who have or have had a B**chy teenage girl

serena569

You have great taste in friends-- I wish someone would have sent this to me when I was in the midst of it all!

She is a gem. And we swear we've been raising the same daughter. Her had pink hair. Mine had blue. Her's ended up in the hospital in Costa Rica after crashing her bike in the mountains. Mine ended up in the hospital in Germany after crashing her bike in the mountains. Fortunately mine skipped the drunk driving, the stomach pumping, and the morning after pill.

trijoe

I have 3 daughters - 10, 8, 8. The 10yo has always been a handful when she gets a burr up her butt. I despair every time I think about her teenage years. I've tried my best to build buffers against the carnage. I tell my daughters endlessly how much I love them. Through good times and bad. Even at my most angry, I tell them "I love you." Usually with some crap after it like, "No matter how angry I am at you", or "No matter how big your mistakes are." I'm hoping against all rational hope that instilling this simple concept - you are loved no matter how stupidly you act - will be enough to get through the tough defiant years. Of course, I'm also trying to become as healthy as I can possibly be now, to absorb some of the physical abuse the years of heavy drinking will cause.

I also try to instill in the girls that believe it or not, I'm human, I make mistakes, and they're free to call me on that. And that - here's one to make you cackle with glee over my inept parenting - I try my best to listen to them when they're angry or have problems with me. Because, you know, I'm human and make mistakes. I know this sounds like, "DUDE! You're handing them the ticket to drive over you!" I hear you. My counterintuitive hope is that as they go through those tough years, even through the angriest and screamiest times, they'll always remember that if I'm standing my ground it's because I believe in it. And not because I'm some monster @$$hole who's always out to make them bow to my fatherly power. Make a good argument for your cause, and I'm all ears. Yell at me and show no respect, responsibility or accountability, and you WILL get overruled every time.

I know this all sounds dangerously naive, but until there's a manual available that's fool proof and 100% guaranteed to get through these upcoming years, a dad's gotta try what a dad's gotta try. Wish me luck through your snickering.

OH! Once, one of the 8yo's told me, "I hate you!" Oh that did not go over very well. That **** got nipped in the bud very very quickly. "Hate" is a dirty word in our house, and has a tolerance factor of ZERO. I made sure every child in the house learned, hard way or easy way, in our house love is ubiquitous, unconditional and nonnegotiable. You don't go down that love/hate path. Ever. So far, that lesson has lasted pretty well.

*sigh*

AliciaStinger

My mom can handle more crap than I ever could. I was a real $#!T at times, and I know it, and I - now 21, soon to be 22 - regret being a jerk to my family. I even regret being a jerk to my family in the futue. Hey, just because I'm older doesn't mean I'm perfect; I can still be a jerk, and usually (I've been told) it conincides with my time of the month............ but anyway, I have three ideas for you:

1. I know some families who will stop talking to one another when they're angry at each other. The silent treatment can be very powerful because you're showing diapproval without getting into a conflict. It is like the peaceful protesting of interpersonal communications. (Sorry - I'm double-majoring in Social Justice and Communications.) On the other hand, since you're not talking to her, she may not understand what you're trying to communicate; she could understand you to be mad at you for the wrong thing (for what she's saying instead of how she's behaving) or if she's really irrational, she may think that her mother doesn't love her anymore and has given up on her. The other thing is, not giving her your attention or letting her have power over you will likely make her angrier.

2. I know some families who are into counseling and therapy. I PERSONALLY see this as an absolute last attempt, because (a) it's expensive, and (b) I'm so not into having someone else tell me what to do, lol. However, I could imagine it being helpful. Maybe there is something going on that your daughter hasn't talked to you about and she's treating people this way because she doesn't know how to deal. Or maybe your daughter just has a bad attitude problem and could use some help with her own communication. Maybe someone outside of your situation could see a problem that you and your daughter don't, or haven't talked about.

3. In my family, when we get mad at one another, we yell. The negative side, of course, is that when you're in the heat of the moment, you sometimes say things that you don't mean, or things come out wrong, or things that you do mean but really shouldn't have said out loud. On the bright side, there is some actual communication going on. When I go off on my mom for no good reason, she'll tell me off. Boy, will she tell me off....usually starts and/or ends with "YOU NEED AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT!" and somewhere in the middle she tells me exactly how crappily (crappily? Badly...) I'm treating her, or sometimes my whole family. She doesn't make personal attacks (never makes me insecure or calls me names - except maybe a b*tch, lol); she sticks to the facts, using examples of things I've said or done to point out that I've been really nasty and unreasonable. And she doesn't let me speak until she's done. Usually I get upset, go up to my room, and slam the door - and then I stay there until the hurt/embarrassment/anger wears off and I can apologize. It also makes me think twice about being nasty in the future, 'cause I know she'll call me out on it, and because having my mommy mad at me is not a pleasant thing.

Also, just throwing it out there, if she's on any mood-altering drugs (like birth control pills, maybe antidepressants, and anything with hormones or steroids), take her back to her doctor and talk to the doctor about taking her off or finding her something new. Maybe this is why she hasn't "grown out of it." If this doesn't apply to your situation, please disregard. :-)

Presumably, she will grow out of it, and for your sake, I hope it's soon. Until then, I hope something on here (or a friend with a "B**chy teenage girl" of her own) helps you get through it. Best of luck to you.

neelia

Has anyone stopped to think maybe this girl is just straight up disrespectful? I was never like that to my parents as a teenager, but I also grew up in a very strict household.

mortyfit

My daughter is 20 and has been beyond horrible for the past four years, increasingly worse.
We've run the gamut of trouble at school, constant warfare at home, heavy drug use, stealing to support said drug use, legal issues for miscellaneous mischief and verbal threats she made because she wanted to act all tough for no apparent reason (bullying), bouncing around living with this friend/that friend, evicted from an apartment and quit/kicked out of the trade school she was sort-of attending, more drug use, about a million tatoos, and no interest in securing even part-time steady employment.

She wasn't raised this way. She had so many opportunities to be successful, she received consistent and loving attention and support, and we led and taught by example as best we could. But she still made her own choice to live the way she lives.

You can only do the best you can and pray that they will eventually remember what is TRULY important in their lives and come back to their senses. Until that happens, all you can do is keep the lines of communication available, but also keep your own priorities straight. We continue to tell her we love her and help when we feel it is appropriate, but we don't overlook the behavior, don't excuse it, and refuse to allow it to affect the rest of the family. I have two other children to raise. I know she will eventually figure things out, and when she does I'll be there ready to support her. Until then I can just pray that she doesn't do permanent damage to her life while she's busy being ignorant, arrogant, and making stupid choices.

Depending on how serious the behavior is, an Alcoholics Anonymous Support Group is an awesome resource. Addiction is addiction, whether it is alcohol, drugs, or just destructive, damaging behavior. AL-Anon families were a big source of strength for us during the most difficult times to help us learn to deal with things.

NatalieWinning

At 17 she really should have grown out of that phase by now. Could be she's just a jerk. All the adult jerks in the world were children once too, you know.

And you know this because you have experience being a teenage girl?

She's definately the right age for it. Take the emotion and the personal part out of it for you. You have to stand up, be objective, set limits, and at the same time be understanding. Admit your own mistakes, let her be independent, but she still needs to toe the line of being respectful and in bounds. Thats a tightrope. You will have to do a bunch of the work, maybe never get the credit, but it's worth it. Keep going. Remember above all that you privately need to buck your self up and reward yourself. It's a great time to buy yourself a present and have a glass of wine in your room with a book! Because she's counting on you for the limits, and to pull her in when she goes over the line. Inside she may know she's crossed a line and feel bad about it. So there needs to be that recognition. Hang in there. Keep going. Keep being the parent. Remember the terrible 2's? This is it again in much bigger body!

Remember what's important, and focus on that. Drop the little stuff, and concentrate on the big stuff. IT's really hard to use positive reinforcement, and notice the good when it's a lot of the bad. Again, it's worth it. Keep trying. They do grow up. You can't give up. It's your job to be parent, not friend. The friend part comes later, and always with limits because you're always the Mom.

I was the tough love parent, and I was willing to be the bad guy. I think I was willing to let them fail, but with back up. It was "their problem" but I was there to help was how I was trying to make it. Their choices, hopefully based on the my past parenting, but they had to figure it out, so when they failed it was not my failure like when they were toddlers. That doesn't mean you aren't responsible, but a perspective where you are letting them grow up and own their actions. I was willing to look through their stuff if necessary, and do unpleasant things, talk to people I didn't want to. They paid for their perks, and lost perks when they didn't deserve them. Punishment has to fit the crime, but you have to let the small things slide and focus on whats the real issues. Totally let them own the behavior and standing back you can be more objective about it. Not rubbing it in, but you can even be sorry about their failure--it's their failure and too bad now they have to have the consequences, while you hope they will do better next time and avoid that. It's the job, and it sucks a lot when things are rough, but you are the only Mom she has. Find out her friends, what she does, and be very very consistant even when you are tired. Just remember you don't get to go back and do it again, so this is the time you have to pull up the big girl pants and keep being Mom.

Eventually, around 22 when they are on their own they realize you weren't so bad. When they are 25 they begin to see you more as a person. After that it gets better, or it doesn't. But now is when you can't give up. She still needs you under all that. She's just struggling with growing up and being independent and only has what you've given her, and what she's been born with. Hopefully she's not into bad situations, and if there is anything you can do, you should. It pulls together in your 20's if all goes well. If not, then maybe later? It's a Mom marathon! You will do this because she's your daughter. It's never perfect, and you will always wish you did more even when you are doing all you can. Mom guilt is unavoidable, so remind yourself to do your best, and that you did do your best. And remember to take care of yourself, too, because in the end you and her are not the same person. You'll need you to be a whole person later, so spend some time remembering to care for you, too.

Here's the last thing. Parents are rude and know whats best for your kid. Actually, they don't. They might even have an easy kid. They don't know your kid, and you didn't have everything to do with how your kid is. I have easy kids and very difficult kids, and thats how I know other parents are irrelevant. Especially if they are superior because their kids are great Put those blinders on and know you aren't the only one, and all kids are not easy. You get that package of 20/80. 80% is how they are born, and the 20% maybe you can influence a bit. Your diamond in the rough might just be more of a package than that easy kid, and worth sticking in there for when you finally hit the other side.

Independence, I think. I think they are carving out that space on the other side of the umbilical cord so they can cut it. You want them to cut it. But it's a messy process, and a lot of bruising! You will remember it so much more, like when she got shots as a baby.

AliciaStinger

When I was about 16 years old, my mom wished for me "a daughter just like you one day".... She got her wish! LOL

My dad wished the same thing on me. I told him not to expect grandchildren. X-D We'll see how I feel about that when I finally feel old enough and patient enough to consider having children. I think he really wants grandkids, too........eventually. Maybe not from his college-aged daughter, but eventually.

AliciaStinger

This thread should be renamed "birth control"!

After these stories and remembering how mean I was to my mom (i still feel SOOOOO guilty) I am newly motivated to NOT have kids!

X-D yeah, same.

Mikkimeow

Personally, as many of you women here have already stated, I was a hell child. Because of that, my parents beat the living **** out of me daily. I was smacked, punched, pushed, had things thrown at me, my hair pulled, called every name in the book, including a little *****. Instead of learning respect, I learned fear and to hate myself. I have no relationship with either of my parents, and as a teenager, I was terrified of opening up to them or to anyone else. There is a fine line between being a strict parent (I am all for having boundaries and teaching respect) and abuse. Slapping a child or physically and emotionally hurting them (as teenagers they are still considered children) in any way is wrong. There are more mature and healthier ways to parent.

Your daughter is not an adult, she should not be treated as one. But, she is a human being and as hard as it is sometimes, you have to be put in her shoes. She is immature and more than likely has no idea what her life is going to be like. You don't have to tolerate her disrespect, but you should figure out what started it.

kayduro

At 17 she really should have grown out of that phase by now. Could be she's just a jerk. All the adult jerks in the world were children once too, you know.

Either you don't have a 17 yr old daughter, or if you do, she is an angel. I have one of both, but still, my angel went through a phase. Just not to the degree the devil child went through.

kayduro

Personally, as many of you women here have already stated, I was a hell child. Because of that, my parents beat the living **** out of me daily. I was smacked, punched, pushed, had things thrown at me, my hair pulled, called every name in the book, including a little *****. Instead of learning respect, I learned fear and to hate myself. I have no relationship with either of my parents, and as a teenager, I was terrified of opening up to them or to anyone else. There is a fine line between being a strict parent (I am all for having boundaries and teaching respect) and abuse. Slapping a child or physically and emotionally hurting them (as teenagers they are still considered children) in any way is wrong. There are more mature and healthier ways to parent.

Your daughter is not an adult, she should not be treated as one. But, she is a human being and as hard as it is sometimes, you have to be put in her shoes. She is immature and more than likely has no idea what her life is going to be like. You don't have to tolerate her disrespect, but you should figure out what started it.

This makes me sad:( and you are so wise on your advice. It is true you have to give respect to get respect.

kaceelawlor

My mom and I are the best of friends now, BUT that's ONLY because I went away to college and immediately after graduation moved out on my own. I HATED her when I was a teenager and was the mouthiest, *****iest little brat to her. I regret it all now, and understand why she parented the way she did. She was a single mother and I was an only child (until 8 years ago), and she felt as if she needed to protect me from EVERYTHING. Once I moved out and went to school, everything calmed down and became SO much nicer. I now talk to her EVERYDAY if not twice a day on the phone, and find myself asking her to come and visit me or hopping in the car to go visit her. Now, don't get me wrong, her and I cannot be under the same roof for an extended period of time; a weekend is usually our limit (we're both too thick-headed and opinionated and get under each other's skin.) Like my grandmother used to tell my mom when I acted up, "this too shall pass." Try not to stress it too much! If you push the issue she'll shut down even more (that's what I did). Just take a deep breath, count to 10 and instead of fighting just walk away. Good luck!

SandysNewLife

my daughter is 18 and son is 14. She is more of less fine but son is another story.Everything is an arguement. He will disagree about anything and seems to hate everyone and everything. I hope he outgrows it =(

shellebelle87

My sisters a *****y teenage girl, well all 3 are/were and I have smacked my fair share of faces and put them many times in their place.I respect them and they respect me, its different when it comes to family, but thanks to them I have skill in this area. Girlfriends don't back talk me and they've taught me to take no **** from any woman. Women can say boohoo men are jerky but I think women can definitely be 100% as evil, if not evil-er.

Wait, what? You smacked your sisters in the face? Arent you a treasure to have around.

felcandy

Ive been one and i like to think it does. :P

shellebelle87

I was terrible as a teenager. My mom has this theory that nature makes us that way as teenagers, that way when we move out, it will be a relief and won't hurt so much.

We're super close today though. She was always firm with me and wouldn't take any BS from me. 17 is NOT mature; once your daughter moves out and matures some, she'll quit being evil and will turn back into a normal person.

You have the cutest ticker picture!!!

shellebelle87

I was the terrible *****y girl. It does pass. It took me until I was aboout 18/19 to start appreciating my mum, and I was about 21 when it really kicked in how much of a *kitten* I was to her. I still am a *kitten* some days, but I treat mum with more respect, in the past 5 or so years, I can only remember one fight, so it does get better. She just needs to grow up a little, get a job and all that and you need to be firm and stand your ground. Dont let her walk all over you. Every teenager does it though, it's just what happens.

SquidVonBob

Wait, I was supposed to be *****y to my parents!? Aw man. I wasted so much of my childhood.

shanae727

I don't have a teenage daughter, but I was one and I was EVIL. I lied to my parents about everything I snuck out, I stole their cars, I skipped school, and I was a total ***** to everyone and my mom most of all. After high school was over and I had my first son (I was 19) I realized how important my mom was to me and she and I are very very close today. And I have to add don't give up on her, and don't let her get by with more than she should. She will look back one day and respect you so much more for having a back bone and laying down the law for her. My parents never grounded me or anything for my evilness, and now that I can look back and see all the mistakes I made I wish they had been just a little harder on me.

Same story girl! But I got pregnant last year in High School. So yes stay on her you're not there to be her friend you are her parent. I wish my mother wouldv'e hunted my butt down and embarrassed me. That would've stopped me. I got wild and I made mistakes because I could. As a parent now, I understand and I wish she would have because although at the time I didn't like it (her ...whatever) now I get it. Someday your daughter will "get it"!

P.S.-don't just let her do her "thing", teach her in the way that she should go and give her structure even when allowing her that "space". She will respect you in the end, just not today!

katy84o

I don't know if this will help.. But I was a *****y teenager. I like to think I wasn't, but I snapped at my mom, yelled at her, got angry because she would tell me I should blend my makeup line, I should wear shirts that cover a little better. I would get furious if she said anything about any of my friends. As soon as I graduated high school, and went to college (local community college) and got a job. I changed. My mom and I became a lot closer. I wish as a younger teenager I would have been nicer to my mom. But I am very thankful that now as a 25 year old, I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and I often find myself thinking... I wish I would have listened to her back when I "knew it all"

Most the time kids come around. As a teenager theres so much going on in life. Trying to fit in (especially now with all the facebook, twitter, and all of the other ones) I'm sure it's tough. I don't want to say back off. Because some friends of mine whose parents did back off, they aren't doing so great now. Still living with their parents, no job, a couple of kids.. Maybe just try to be there for her, be stern with your rules (ie. curfew, can only go out one night/ wknd, homework done before cell phone or internet), but don't be a pushover.

And if she's really bad, tell her. Cry in front of her, tell her how she's being so terrible. I know when my mom did that, it really struck me. If I made my mom cry, that really hurt me, I knew I was in the wrong.