Should I date a man with kids?

libbymcbain

Hello. Speaking as someone whose Dad got remarried to someone when I was 13, I would say be careful.

It will be difficult. It might be worth it. It depends on the guy.

I think you're right to be honest about what your own needs are and what you can handle and think it through before you get into deep. People can go in with too naive/optimistic an attitude and come a cropper and people can go in with a wildly competitive attitude and cause damage. Blended families are difficult. Teenage and pre-teens kids are at an age that is difficult for them anyway, and the whole pyschosexual aspect of a new partner for a parent can add to what is already a pretty confusing, insecure and hormonal time, packed with a lot of change.

And if you suspect that if you don't get enough attention you will turn into some kind of stepmonster who wants to have your own children with him and thinks that driving away his first family will be the best way to do this, then just don't. A friend of mine started dating a divorced dad and went on a campaign to come between him and his two girls. It wasn't pretty and she lost a lot of good people from her life over it. And contributed to her business going down the drain, as we were in a fairly small town and it was pretty obvious what she was doing. It doesn't exactly inspire customer loyalty (especially not for someone with an interiors shop. Stay at home moms do not buy cushions from "home wreckers"). And then it didn't work and she was 3 years older back at square one.

If you think you can handle it, talk to him about your concerns. Let him know that, just as there will be time that is set aside for the kids, there needs to be time set aside for you. Be aware that emergencies will override this (just as they should) and define between you what an emergency constitutes (kid in hospital definitely, kid stranded and needs lift yes, kid needs help with home
work at last minute when they could have asked before, probably not and it would be a good lesson for them to learn- as long as it isn't assessed for a permanent record).

Don't try to be their mother- they will hate and resent you for it. Aim instead for some kind of supportive and helpful but slightly distant adult- like an aunt but one step removed.

Oh, and I met my husband (childless) when I was 35 and he was 33. Both no kids. We'd both been very career focussed in our twenties and early thirties. So they do exist. I think the worst relationship mistake you can get into is getting involved with someone out of fear of being alone, rather than based on attraction, compatibility, chemistry etc. A relationship should be a positive choice, not something done to avoid a negative.