Christmas, porn & a nasty virus
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And this is the reason priests molest young boys: they can't express their normal male urges with women because it's wrong and supposedly a sin. Watching porn is wrong. Sex is wrong. Masturbating is wrong. I get that he's portraying a certain image to is congregation but he is still a man, pastor or not. The whole reason priests can't get married has nothing to do with their love for God and everything to do with the fact that they were haing kids and leaving their land to them. No marriage means no kids which means the church gets the property when they die (I understand this man is a pastor not a priest and married BTW).
I say just get your computer fixed and have him confess his "sins" to the church. My guess is that people in the congregation are doing a lot worse than watching porn!
... No, that is not why priests molest young boys. Equating rape and molestation to sex, or worse, "pent up lust," is missing the power dynamics, and missing the fact that pedophilia IS a specific attraction, just a horribly destructive one.
Plus, you're mixing Catholic priests (which, you're on point there with WHY marriage is off the table for them) with Protestant pastors... this person is clearly married.
Yes and I pointed that fact about the priest and pastor in my post.0 -
And this is the reason priests molest young boys: they can't express their normal male urges with women because it's wrong and supposedly a sin. Watching porn is wrong. Sex is wrong. Masturbating is wrong. I get that he's portraying a certain image to is congregation but he is still a man, pastor or not. The whole reason priests can't get married has nothing to do with their love for God and everything to do with the fact that they were haing kids and leaving their land to them. No marriage means no kids which means the church gets the property when they die (I understand this man is a pastor not a priest and married BTW).
I say just get your computer fixed and have him confess his "sins" to the church. My guess is that people in the congregation are doing a lot worse than watching porn!
... No, that is not why priests molest young boys. Equating rape and molestation to sex, or worse, "pent up lust," is missing the power dynamics, and missing the fact that pedophilia IS a specific attraction, just a horribly destructive one.
Plus, you're mixing Catholic priests (which, you're on point there with WHY marriage is off the table for them) with Protestant pastors... this person is clearly married.
Yes and I pointed that fact about the priest and pastor in my post.
And this is why the OP should never have included his job in the issue. All it did was make this into more of a religious debate.0 -
It's sad how so many people think this is something to joke about. A little bit of porn here and there may not be a big deal, if both parties have an understanding and set healthy boundaries, but if a compulsion for porn is causing problems with a person's ability to communicate and interact in a real life relationship, that's not healthy. Spouses shouldn't engage in secretive, isolating behaviors. There's an element of shame and selfishness there that just doesn't belong in a partnership. People should be comfortable sharing their lives with their partners.
I don't have this issue in my life, so I can't really advise you, but I do empathize and I wish you well in finding a solution...
And the evidence of compulsion is....?
Well, I guess you'd have to ask his wife, but if he's sneaking it and taking risks (he is a pastor portraying a certain image to his people and he has an agreement with his wife not to do it, but he still needs it enough that he is willing to risk getting caught). That sounds like a compulsion to me...and if it's not a compulsion, then it's a choice. Either way, it the end result is the same...
Since I'm not claiming the bloke is an addict, I don't need to as his wife anything.
So, no evidence of compulsion then. What you describe there sunds like a large proportion of the male population, and a sizeable proportion of the female. Or are you suggesting they all have a mental health issue?0 -
A few different issues here. 1) The porn and how it is affecting your relationship (check out John Mayer's interview with Playboy on his addiction to porn); 2) trust issues between you and your husband; 3) his responsibility as a pastor. 4) his relationship with God
This could be such an open door to ministering to his flock, particularly other men who have addictions, if he is able to honestly work through it, and then show his scars. What a beautiful ministry that could be, for your husband, and for you to families and spouses. One of the greatest deceptions of satan is when he convinces us to hide our faults, sins, problems, even after God has brought us out of the horrible pit. (Psalms 40 is good to see how the way we react can help many others.)
His struggle is common. secrecy and shame keep people from seeking help. That will affect his pastorship. That will affect the folks at your church. There was a youth pastor at our church who was caught in a porn addiction, another worship leader who was caught having an affair with the associate pastor's wife. These events happened within a year of each other, or close to it. All left the church, it kind of got swept under the carpet, and other leaders took their place. What made me sad, was that I saw how it affected the youth and the congregation, because word got out in a leaky way, instead of the people taking responsibility for their actions and making amends. We missed a great opportunity to be a go-to for souls struggling with the same stuff. My son was a youth at the time, he lost faith in the church. We have talked about it, but the church could have done so much if they would have let God heal them and then share about it.
Two Christian resources you might want to check out,on-line, or he might want to:
xxxchurch
Rob Jackson Christian Counseling (he works with people who have had sex addictions)
He is being deceitful with you, with himself, and with his Creator. Sure to get worse unless he gets honest and humble, opens up to some other responsible male, and owns it. You can't fix him. You need to be healthy for you, spiritually as well as physically. Regardless of what he does, get yourself in a good place, good support. Rob Jackson has all kinds of support informaton for couples too. Focus on the Family has some resources. Lots out there, if he is willing to seek it. If he doesn't think he has a problem, or wants to keep on porning, he might want to think about resigning his pastorship. Do a job where he doesn't have the responsibility of leading others spiritually.0 -
It's sad how so many people think this is something to joke about. A little bit of porn here and there may not be a big deal, if both parties have an understanding and set healthy boundaries, but if a compulsion for porn is causing problems with a person's ability to communicate and interact in a real life relationship, that's not healthy. Spouses shouldn't engage in secretive, isolating behaviors. There's an element of shame and selfishness there that just doesn't belong in a partnership. People should be comfortable sharing their lives with their partners.
I don't have this issue in my life, so I can't really advise you, but I do empathize and I wish you well in finding a solution...
And the evidence of compulsion is....?
Well, I guess you'd have to ask his wife, but if he's sneaking it and taking risks (he is a pastor portraying a certain image to his people and he has an agreement with his wife not to do it, but he still needs it enough that he is willing to risk getting caught). That sounds like a compulsion to me...and if it's not a compulsion, then it's a choice. Either way, it the end result is the same...
Since I'm not claiming the bloke is an addict, I don't need to as his wife anything.
So, no evidence of compulsion then. What you describe there sunds like a large proportion of the male population, and a sizeable proportion of the female. Or are you suggesting they all have a mental health issue?
I never said watching porn was bad in a healthy relationship. It's the way he's going about it that is a problem. Please re-read my post. A large proportion of the male and female population is NOT sneaking, lying and hiding their porn instead of communicating and interacting with their mates. And if they are, then YES, that's a mental health problem. I'm sorry that upsets you. :flowerforyou:0 -
In a sense it is a mental health issue. Pornography demeans those involved in it and places the act of love between married couples into the same category as a spectator sport. It degrades the human capacity for love to an act that is really meant for procreation. Nobler progeny is that which is born of the intellect and the spirit. Secular people do not understand this--that's why they have given such stupid and shallow responses to you, Pastor's wife. Tht is why they need Christ--so that their minds can be opened to allow in the Light, and understand that whole new definition of love, and see how trivial that physical pleasure of the moment truly is.
Thank you for being so forgiving of those around you, like Christ! Have a blessed day, Rose. You are truly an inspiration :flowerforyou:0 -
In a sense it is a mental health issue. Pornography demeans those involved in it and places the act of love between married couples into the same category as a spectator sport. It degrades the human capacity for love to an act that is really meant for procreation. Nobler progeny is that which is born of the intellect and the spirit. Secular people do not understand this--that's why they have given such stupid and shallow responses to you, Pastor's wife. Tht is why they need Christ--so that their minds can be opened to allow in the Light, and understand that whole new definition of love, and see how trivial that physical pleasure of the moment truly is.
First, I disagree that porn..in any way shape or form...degrades my capacity to love or "make love." In fact, I find that porn gives me a lot of ideas of things I'd like to do, try and explore...I think that having that ability to get ideas and try them with your loved one is just an awesome thing
Also...FYI - there are sex spectator sport type things. Just to let you know
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Sounds like excellent sermon fodder to me!0
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In a sense it is a mental health issue. Pornography demeans those involved in it and places the act of love between married couples into the same category as a spectator sport. It degrades the human capacity for love to an act that is really meant for procreation. Nobler progeny is that which is born of the intellect and the spirit. Secular people do not understand this--that's why they have given such stupid and shallow responses to you, Pastor's wife. Tht is why they need Christ--so that their minds can be opened to allow in the Light, and understand that whole new definition of love, and see how trivial that physical pleasure of the moment truly is.
Quite how is that a mental health issue?
I assure you, I am neither stupid nor shallow. How terribly Christian of you to judge other people in such a charitable manner. Good for you. Must be that profound love you describe in your post. The spirit inaction, eh?0 -
Leave it alone, NO GODS, NO MASTERS
That's no fun.
You. Now I like you.
But you don't like me?
Sexist!
Sorry but those little duck feet creep me out. Maybe with a wig and some lipstick. . .
do you love me now?
Yes. Yes I do.
well hello there!
I'm picking you up tomorrow at 8:00. You do look like your pic, right? I'm so tired of the chicks not looking like their profile pics . . .0 -
I agree, watch it with him.
No disresepct but men(and a lot of womenz) freaking dig porn. Find a way to make it work for the two of you together.0 -
I agree, watch it with him.
No disresepct but men(and a lot of womenz) freaking dig porn. Find a way to make it work for the two of you together.
Watching porn only works if it turns you both on. I haven't read every post but I'm thinking this is not the case.0 -
It's sad how so many people think this is something to joke about. A little bit of porn here and there may not be a big deal, if both parties have an understanding and set healthy boundaries, but if a compulsion for porn is causing problems with a person's ability to communicate and interact in a real life relationship, that's not healthy. Spouses shouldn't engage in secretive, isolating behaviors. There's an element of shame and selfishness there that just doesn't belong in a partnership. People should be comfortable sharing their lives with their partners.
I don't have this issue in my life, so I can't really advise you, but I do empathize and I wish you well in finding a solution...
And the evidence of compulsion is....?
Well, I guess you'd have to ask his wife, but if he's sneaking it and taking risks (he is a pastor portraying a certain image to his people and he has an agreement with his wife not to do it, but he still needs it enough that he is willing to risk getting caught). That sounds like a compulsion to me...and if it's not a compulsion, then it's a choice. Either way, it the end result is the same...
Since I'm not claiming the bloke is an addict, I don't need to as his wife anything.
So, no evidence of compulsion then. What you describe there sunds like a large proportion of the male population, and a sizeable proportion of the female. Or are you suggesting they all have a mental health issue?
I never said watching porn was bad in a healthy relationship. It's the way he's going about it that is a problem. Please re-read my post. A large proportion of the male and female population is NOT sneaking, lying and hiding their porn instead of communicating and interacting with their mates. And if they are, then YES, that's a mental health problem. I'm sorry that upsets you. :flowerforyou:
How is that a mental health issue? How are you defining 'mental health' here?are all problems in couple communication indicative of mental health difficulty, in your view?
And how do you see poor communication as evidence of compulsion?
I'm not at all upset. Thanks for the lovely emoticon, though.0 -
In a sense it is a mental health issue. Pornography demeans those involved in it and places the act of love between married couples into the same category as a spectator sport. It degrades the human capacity for love to an act that is really meant for procreation. Nobler progeny is that which is born of the intellect and the spirit. Secular people do not understand this--that's why they have given such stupid and shallow responses to you, Pastor's wife. Tht is why they need Christ--so that their minds can be opened to allow in the Light, and understand that whole new definition of love, and see how trivial that physical pleasure of the moment truly is.
First, I disagree that porn..in any way shape or form...degrades my capacity to love or "make love." In fact, I find that porn gives me a lot of ideas of things I'd like to do, try and explore...I think that having that ability to get ideas and try them with your loved one is just an awesome thing
Also...FYI - there are sex spectator sport type things. Just to let you know
^This. These posts keep popping up where the girlfriend or wife is soooo shocked that the boyfriend or husband is looking at porn. Get over it. Even if the two of you "agree" that he isn't going to look at it, you need to realize that what you're asking of him is pretty extraordinary. And, yes I'm sure some 22 year old is going to tell me that HER boyfriend is just so perfect and would never . . .
Its frankly like asking a woman not to read smutty romance novels. Is there really any difference?0 -
In a sense it is a mental health issue. Pornography demeans those involved in it and places the act of love between married couples into the same category as a spectator sport. It degrades the human capacity for love to an act that is really meant for procreation. Nobler progeny is that which is born of the intellect and the spirit. Secular people do not understand this--that's why they have given such stupid and shallow responses to you, Pastor's wife. Tht is why they need Christ--so that their minds can be opened to allow in the Light, and understand that whole new definition of love, and see how trivial that physical pleasure of the moment truly is.
My heart really feels sad for you. What an ignorant statement to generalize "secular" people. Thank you for telling us what we need.0 -
In a sense it is a mental health issue. Pornography demeans those involved in it and places the act of love between married couples into the same category as a spectator sport. It degrades the human capacity for love to an act that is really meant for procreation. Nobler progeny is that which is born of the intellect and the spirit. Secular people do not understand this--that's why they have given such stupid and shallow responses to you, Pastor's wife. Tht is why they need Christ--so that their minds can be opened to allow in the Light, and understand that whole new definition of love, and see how trivial that physical pleasure of the moment truly is.
First, I disagree that porn..in any way shape or form...degrades my capacity to love or "make love." In fact, I find that porn gives me a lot of ideas of things I'd like to do, try and explore...I think that having that ability to get ideas and try them with your loved one is just an awesome thing
Also...FYI - there are sex spectator sport type things. Just to let you know
^This. These posts keep popping up where the girlfriend or wife is soooo shocked that the boyfriend or husband is looking at porn. Get over it. Even if the two of you "agree" that he isn't going to look at it, you need to realize that what you're asking of him is pretty extraordinary. And, yes I'm sure some 22 year old is going to tell me that HER boyfriend is just so perfect and would never . . .
Its frankly like asking a woman not to read smutty romance novels. Is there really any difference?
DON'T TAKE MY HARRY/DRACO FANFICTION AWAY.
I mean...0 -
In a sense it is a mental health issue. Pornography demeans those involved in it and places the act of love between married couples into the same category as a spectator sport. It degrades the human capacity for love to an act that is really meant for procreation. Nobler progeny is that which is born of the intellect and the spirit. Secular people do not understand this--that's why they have given such stupid and shallow responses to you, Pastor's wife. Tht is why they need Christ--so that their minds can be opened to allow in the Light, and understand that whole new definition of love, and see how trivial that physical pleasure of the moment truly is.
what an idiotic and insulting post. This is why I tend to hate religious people. They are so self-righteous.
My opinion, your response isn't much better. I think some people may feel it shows off your own ignorance.0 -
In a sense it is a mental health issue. Pornography demeans those involved in it and places the act of love between married couples into the same category as a spectator sport. It degrades the human capacity for love to an act that is really meant for procreation. Nobler progeny is that which is born of the intellect and the spirit. Secular people do not understand this--that's why they have given such stupid and shallow responses to you, Pastor's wife. Tht is why they need Christ--so that their minds can be opened to allow in the Light, and understand that whole new definition of love, and see how trivial that physical pleasure of the moment truly is.
First, I disagree that porn..in any way shape or form...degrades my capacity to love or "make love." In fact, I find that porn gives me a lot of ideas of things I'd like to do, try and explore...I think that having that ability to get ideas and try them with your loved one is just an awesome thing
Also...FYI - there are sex spectator sport type things. Just to let you know
^This. These posts keep popping up where the girlfriend or wife is soooo shocked that the boyfriend or husband is looking at porn. Get over it. Even if the two of you "agree" that he isn't going to look at it, you need to realize that what you're asking of him is pretty extraordinary. And, yes I'm sure some 22 year old is going to tell me that HER boyfriend is just so perfect and would never . . .
Its frankly like asking a woman not to read smutty romance novels. Is there really any difference?
DON'T TAKE MY HARRY/DRACO FANFICTION AWAY.
I mean...
Wouldn't happen. Great porn + Great smutty novels = marital bliss0 -
I am confused,Okay.. I have an issue that I would like some advice regarding. The issue starts with my husband. We have been married for 12 years. I found out during our first year of marriage that he liked porn. Of course, he's a guy and I know that most guys like porn, so I can get over that. However, it started to interfere with our relationship and it felt like he was turning to porn rather than to me for whatever reason. We talked about it and he agreed to stop watching and to talk to me whenever he was having a desire to watch it again. This worked for several years. Things have been better and we have both been happier (or so I assumed).
Yesterday (on Christmas morning), he woke up early at like 4am and decided to do some surfing on the internet. Of course, this included porn. Unfortunately, he managed to download a virus - a nasty one called Ransomware that takes over your computer, shuts you down and scares the living daylights out of a person who was looking for porn. The virus stated that your computer had been disabled by the FBI because of child pornography. Unless you pay a fine, you will be prosecuted.. blah blah blah. He was scared - so upset that he didn't enjoy Christmas with our daughter becaues he was worried that he'd have to take presents back in able to pay the $500 fine. Dumbass!!!
Finally, around 3pm yesterday, he comes to me and asks me how much do I love him.. I respond with the usual "why?"... lol He proceeds to tell me that he managed to get a virus, hands me the laptop with the notice from the FBI on it and has the good sense to look remorseful. My first thought was that it was real and he was actually involved in child pornography. It didnt' help that he wouldn't tell me what he was looking at when he got the message. I finally got the answer from him and after calming down, I googled the message and discovered that it was indeed a virus that can be picked up pretty much all over the internet.
My problem - he pastors a church!! In essence, he is my pastor since I go to the church he pastors. I am furious with him because of what he did. Even more so, I'm furious because I feel betrayed by my husband and my pastor! I know that this probably isn't a big issue to most people, but I'm putting this out there so that I can gain some perspective and deal with the anger that this is causing me.
Any comments? Questions? or advice??
WHERE are you getting your standards for right and wrong?0 -
He told you the truth.
Guys like porn, get over it.
And who cares if he is a pastor? The fact that you feel betrayed because your pastor was looking at porn says more about YOUR character than his.0
This discussion has been closed.
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