Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

Mutant13

Ok. Hi all.

I normally don't post things that are this serious or personal but I don't really have anywhere else to bounce this around.

My partner accused me of cheating on him. With my trainer.

My trainer and I are friends and nothing more. We don't see each other outside of the gym and he is also (happily!) coupled. We share quite a few non fitness related hobbies and will often spend some time chatting about them in the gym.

Part of me wants to feel bad for my fiancé because if he honestly thinks I've cheated he must be hurting a lot.

But mostly I'm just really insulted and very angry that he doesn't believe that I respect the commitment I made by saying 'Yes' when he proposed.

Has anyone else had a similar experience/ can give a girl some advice?

queenhiphop

For whatever reason, he's feeling insecure. So he needs to be left to figure out why that is and try and sort it out himself - no one else can help him unfortunately. You can only do your best to support him and show him that you're in it for the long run.

Mutant13

I want to do that, I guess I'm just really annoyed about it now. I feel like I can't have male friends >:(

gogoyubarino

Dump him.

An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.

Sepa

Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends

amy1612

Dump him.

An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.

yeah, this is the sensible and not at all over reactionary thing to do:huh:

fihealth

Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.

Good luck!

x

Sepa

Dump him.

An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.

I don't think it is a dumpable offence. He obviously just needs a bit of reassurance at the moment. We all have moment like it. I recently got paranoid with my partner and I trust him

Mutant13

Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends

He's met him quite a few times..

Mutant13

Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.

Good luck!

x

I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

queenhiphop

Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.

Good luck!

x

I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

Counselling is definitely the most sensible idea. "DUMP HIM" is just a hasty, immature response.. these issues CAN be resolved

SarahSosi

may be you can invite the trainer and his partner to a dinner or bump to him suddenly with her so that he can be :noway: and gives u a :smooched: and a

ironanimal

From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

Just this guy's perspective.

sarahrbraun

Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends

He's met him quite a few times..

I would say that if he has met him, and he has seen the way you interact with each other, he is obviously feeling insecure right now. Several months ago my husband actually said something to the effect of "I almost would not care if you stayed fat...that way I would not have to worry about who you might be meeting". Knowing him, and that he IS insecure like that, I have made the choice to NOT tell him that the trainer at the gym is a cute 20 something guy. I have a similar friendly type relationship with this trainer, who knows I am happily married and has never been anything but professional.

Matt_Wilken

Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.

LCSoulkat

Dump him? I mean..really?? Amazing at how people think and react in today's society. Flush..next?

I would just sit down with him and rekindle whatever insecurity or reason for that, has brought him to think that way...if it is clearly not true from your end. Just think if the roles were reversed and you felt that way...

When two people love each other and feel strongly about it then isn't it worth discussing any issues that arise? It could be some jealousy because that person is a personal trainer so in a way, you should be flattered that he feels that way but reassure him right away about the committment you both made...Am sure if he would go training and had a female personal trainer, put yourself in his shoes...Isn't that committment worth saving?

Go for it.....don't just dump him because he feels that way /boggle.

nexangelus

My boyfriend used to go on about my personal trainer when I had one a few years ago. Trainer was about 23 and in no way interested in a 35 year old lady with two kids...he did not accuse me of cheating, but he did think something was going on...it is insecurity and jealousy I guess, that you are doing something you love to do with another guy, who is not him?!

Try and chat to him and let him know your fitness and health are important, but that does not mean you are looking elsewhere for anything. Does he train with you? (I don't like training with others as I just want to get in and out of the gym quickly) Maybe suggest he comes and trains with you if he is that way inclined. I am not sure how else this can be dealt with, with it not becoming a huge issue and maybe a big argument. I do not think swapping to a female trainer is sensible as someone suggested...I had female trainers at my gym and they just don't do the pushing and set out the same routines as the male ones...aslo why should you have to change what you are doing just because he feels insecure?

Hmmmmm, this is tricky. Mine got over it when he realised that his thinking was stupid/immature/etc.

iamkarent

Counseling at a minimum,.

Sounds like you are level headed enough to not let it lead to a very controlled relationship where his insecurities lead to you losing freedom to have your own life.....which is unacceptable.

Unfortunately , some who accuse are doing so out of their own guilt...counseling is definitely needed to get to the bottom of it now, and also define what you both agree to as acceptable friendships outside the marriage etc, once you take that step.

Make sure you are on the same page...

lady_in_weighting

He must have insecrutuies about something. Do you spend alot of time apart doing seperate things? I think you should take him along to the gym and meet your PT. Maybe try doing some more things together. Reassure him that you havent been having an affair and that you understand, value and respect the commitment you made when you said, "i DO".

Tell him that you love him and only him. Also, ask him what he would like you to do to make things better?

Hope this helps x

ptjolsen

As a trainer, I've had to have these talks a time or two.

Mutant13

Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.

I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend

leannems

From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

Just this guy's perspective.

Doesn't sound like they're all that close - she only sees him at the gym.

I also disagree about men/women being friends. I have a lot of close male friends and my husband is just the opposite. I think it really depends on the individuals.

To the OP - make sure you get these issues resolved prior to getting married. Marriage is hard, and it sounds like you both already have some things to work out (his insecurities, and you resenting some of the ways he tries to control you - you friendships, what you wear, etc). Counseling is not a bad way to go, but talking openly about it first may not be a bad way to start either.

Also know that sometimes compromise is in order. If for some reason, it's this particular trainer that rubs him the wrong way (who knows, maybe he's over-threatened by something this particular guy does), but any other trainer would be fine - maybe you let this one go. If, however, it becomes an issue of every single trainer, then your fiance really has the problem and he'll need to focus on working that out (and no - it shouldn't have to be an instance of no male trainers - that seems arbitrary and not enough compromise from him).

Good luck on working this out.

alexbusnello

Dump him.

An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.

^
Not always true

Bobby__Clerici

Dump him.

An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.

^^^^^^^
Misery loves company.:yawn:

Mutant13

My boyfriend used to go on about my personal trainer when I had one a few years ago. Trainer was about 23 and in no way interested in a 35 year old lady with two kids...he did not accuse me of cheating, but he did think something was going on...it is insecurity and jealousy I guess, that you are doing something you love to do with another guy, who is not him?!

Try and chat to him and let him know your fitness and health are important, but that does not mean you are looking elsewhere for anything. Does he train with you? (I don't like training with others as I just want to get in and out of the gym quickly) Maybe suggest he comes and trains with you if he is that way inclined. I am not sure how else this can be dealt with, with it not becoming a huge issue and maybe a big argument. I do not think swapping to a female trainer is sensible as someone suggested...I had female trainers at my gym and they just don't do the pushing and set out the same routines as the male ones...aslo why should you have to change what you are doing just because he feels insecure?

Hmmmmm, this is tricky. Mine got over it when he realised that his thinking was stupid/immature/etc.

He lifts with me most days, but due to our work schedules I sometimes go the gym alone.

I don't even have regular sessions with my trainer, just evaluations and going through my routine together every now and then.

alexbusnello

Dump him? I mean..really?? Amazing at how people think and react in today's society. Flush..next?

I would just sit down with him and rekindle whatever insecurity or reason for that, has brought him to think that way...if it is clearly not true from your end. Just think if the roles were reversed and you felt that way...

When two people love each other and feel strongly about it then isn't it worth discussing any issues that arise? It could be some jealousy because that person is a personal trainer so in a way, you should be flattered that he feels that way but reassure him right away about the commitment you both made...Am sure if he would go training and had a female personal trainer, put yourself in his shoes...Isn't that commitment worth saving?

Go for it.....don't just dump him because he feels that way /boggle.

^
THIS

AnexRavensong

From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

Just this guy's perspective.

I have to disagree.. almost all my life most my friends have been boys (a lot of that has to do with the fact that I quite like video games and other nerd things) and it surely never went more than friends. In fact it does the opposite and makes you "one of the guys" which is frustrating when you DO want to get passed that.

Even now almost all my friends are guys. My husband makes faces and says that I am lucky that he knows that there is nothing behind it because most guys would get jealous. I even used to spend the nights at bandmate's houses when we were recording long projects and there was NEVER any funny business. We were friends and like siblings.

robin52077

Not saying this is the case, but something to think about:

A lot of times when someone acts jealous or accuses cheating, they are deflecting, because they themselves have feelings toward someone else, or have cheated. The psychology behind it is "if she is too then I don't feel so bad".

sarahrbraun

As a trainer, I've had to have these talks a time or two.

occupational hazard?

Swissmiss

This is certainly not going to be the most popular reply....if you love him, then do all that you can to make him comfortable. If need be find a female trainer.

Freedom125

Have you lost weight recently? I didn't check your profile, but I know three couples who have had serious issues because the woman lost weight and suddenly their husbands were insecure, because they noticed all of the male attention their wives were now getting.

In that situation, counselling is probably a good idea. And it's something you want to be sure you get properly sorted out before the wedding. You want your time as newly weds to be as happy and peaceful as possible, so best to make sure that this stuff is cleared up and put away before you get married.

If this is something that's really important to your fiance, you may need to make a choice between him and your trainer. Any man in their right mind would not try to ask you to make that decision, it's just one of those things that you do for the good of your relationship, even if it doesn't seem entirely fair at the time.

Personally, I would immediately find a female trainer and tell fiance that I'm doing so. Reassure him that there's nothing going on between you and your male trainer, and you wanted to make sure he knows that you realize how uncomfortable he was with the situation and you've decided to fix it. I would also get into counselling, though, because there's a fine line between doing something you don't want to do out of respect for your relationship, and doing something you don't want to do because you feel forced into it.