Fiancé accused me of cheating :/
Replies
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Dump him? I mean..really?? Amazing at how people think and react in today's society. Flush..next?
I would just sit down with him and rekindle whatever insecurity or reason for that, has brought him to think that way...if it is clearly not true from your end. Just think if the roles were reversed and you felt that way...
When two people love each other and feel strongly about it then isn't it worth discussing any issues that arise? It could be some jealousy because that person is a personal trainer so in a way, you should be flattered that he feels that way but reassure him right away about the committment you both made...Am sure if he would go training and had a female personal trainer, put yourself in his shoes...Isn't that committment worth saving?
Go for it.....don't just dump him because he feels that way /boggle.
Yes really! When two people love each other they absolutely TALK about things, they don't throw wild ACCUSATIONS around. He has basically told her he thinks she is a lying slut, who wants to hang around with that kind of a guy? Marry that kind of a guy, oh honey, never. Counseling might work, but insecure and controlling can't really be fixed with counseling, particularly when I'm sure he sees the problem as being HER problem in the first place.0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person.
I've had tons of male friends, and always thought about, and occasionally acted upon, sleeping with each of them. Never have I had a male friend I didn't at least wonder what it would be like.
But I'm a perv...not all women are the same.
Robin...I don't feel that you are a perv. You are just being honest where a lot of people are not.0 -
You need to sit down and talk with him in an adult fashion about this. Ask him why he is so paranoid, ask him what brought this dstrust on. Has he been cheated on before?
'Dump him' is a tad extreme. But to be honest, it depends on how far this goes. This might just be a one-off, and I hope it is. But, if this turns into a regular thing despite communication and assurances between you, and he starts to take this attitude with all men in your life, get rid. Been there, done that, and it isn't worth it.
And DO NOT switch to a female trainer. Why should you? You are doing nothing wrong, and it will only make him think that he can control who you see.0 -
I always felt that men and women could have platonic relationships, I've always preferred male friends as a result of my interests.
To those asking I haven't dropped a ton of weight as I was fairly slim to begin with, I've mostly built muscle. My partner has been working out regularly also. I've probably been a little more intense about it then he has.
The issue is a difficult one and you and your fiance do need to talk this through together. My wife and I have never had marriage counseling so I'm not going to recommend it, but talking with each other is key. I can only speak from the man's perspective. I think you should look at two things (1) recent change in the relationship and (2) recent change in the amount of time you're spending with each other. Becoming engaged, getting married and having your first child are major relationship changes and we men can get a bit territorial during those times. Add to that, the fact that you prefer male friends and I can see how your fiance can get a bit jealous. I'm not saying he's right but I can understand the feelings. I guess the real question is really how jealous is he? A little is expected, accusing you of cheating is pretty serious, but was it said in anger or is he really serious? To be frank, my wife is similar - fit, loves activities that attract men, has always had male friends, and has definitely had some jacked trainers. I've had my moments. I'd suggest talking through it and showing him he has nothing to worry about. Tell him you got engaged to him for a reason, that you're committed to getting married and that you love him.
I'd also check and see if for some reason you're not spending as much time with each other, or whether something about the quality of that time has changed. Don't answer this here but has your sex life changed? If that has changed, he's going to be looking for a why.
In the end, maybe he is a jealous jerk and will never change. Or maybe he's just a guy being a guy and a little freaked out by a few things that can easily be worked out. There's also quite a range in between, but in the end, only you can tell.
Good luck!
I have been working a bit more lately as it is the busy season at work. I guess I should take that in to consideration.0 -
But where do you stop? This doesn't appear to be a one off issue. Does she need to stop going out, stop speaking to men?
This is what is worrying/annoying me.
I think this should worry you. I would suggest that you don't actually marry him until you are positive this isn't going to become an ongoing battle. My SIL feels like she is "stuck" because they have been married (from my previous post). My point is things don't get better just because of marriage. I will say I have been happily married nearly 19 yrs ( we were married at 16yrs and 18yrs old) and marriage isn't easy and it is a lot of work, jealousy and insecurities that are present all the time are not going to help a marriage grow stronger. I guess my point is make sure there is a solid foundation of trust, love and understanding before saying the I dos, please.0 -
From personal experience, when my ex started being "insecure" and accusing me of cheating...he was the one who was cheating. Just my thoughts, I hope that is not the case for you!
Most likely, he knows you are gorgeous and this sees some sexy trainer as a threat (because of insecurity)... be respectful of his insecurities without feeding into his negativity.0 -
Pseudo unrelated but...
Ever notice when a guy accuses a woman of cheating he has trust issues, but when a woman accuses a man of cheating she's a psycho.
With that said... just flip it all calm like on him and ask him if he's cheated on you and that's why he's got issues. If he says no then reassure him you love him and he's the only guy you want to be with. If he says he has... well then stab him in the face.
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i really only see one logical way to approach this. cheat with me then you can look him in the eye and say.
you think I cheated on you with my trainer? My trainer? no....not with my trainer.0 -
A lot of good suggestions have been mentioned.
The thing that scares me is that, you guys aren't even married yet and he's already THIS insecure. Uh-oh...
Dumping him immediately is not the answer but is he the right one to marry at this moment? Not in the state and mindset he's in today. Counseling would be a good option to clear the picture and give you an idea as to whether or not you are capable of having a relationship that will LAST with this man. If you guys are going to tie the knot but have a blow up over the same topic in five years and get divorced, what's the point of that??
Yeah yeah, carpe diem but truth is, you're probably going to live until you're 80 so plan for it. Try to find a husband that you'll want to be with for a very long time.
Good luck, girlie girl!! :flowerforyou:0 -
My ex used to accuse me of cheating when I traveled with work. I met with both men and women, went for dinners with them but never considered sleeping with one of them. I had made a commitment.
He on the other hand was sleeping with women he worked with..
Maybe he is the one who has strayed and is trying to cover it up0 -
If I was you I'd be like if you think I cheated on you babe then prove I've cheated on you.0
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I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person.
What if you genuinely don't have chemistry with the person though?
Men and women have very different views on this :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA 0 -
As a trainer, I've had to have these talks a time or two.
How do you approach that discussion from the trainer's POV? Simply curious...
To stay on topic: I agree with the counseling idea. Escalating possessivess is not a great sign. For me it would be a red flag, but I'm not in your relationship.0 -
Thinking about how men in my life have acted over the years, his actions seem kind of normal. Getting married is a pretty big deal, and he's probably just a little freaked out right now. He wants to make sure he is making the right decision by marrying you, so all of his insecurities about what could go wrong are bubbling up. It's that simple.
1) don't ask for or talk about counseling. It isn't necessary to go through counseling to make a guy with pre-wedding jitters feel like there's something wrong with your relationship before it really gets off the ground - and willing to bet a box of donuts that he will think you think there's something majorly wrong if you suggest counseling.
2) you're young. Forever is a really long time, and he's nervous. Again, pre-wedding jitters.
3) all guys freak out when they get engaged. Even if they don't let on that they're freaked out. All women freak out, right? Well, so do guys.
Just tell him that you are with him, not anyone else. Make it clear that the personal trainer is getting you in shape for your fiancé (obviously, it's for you, but guys love to believe we get in shape strictly for them), and that the only person who will get to reap the benefits of your gym time is your fiancé. Guys really do need that kind of reassurance as much as women do.0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person.
What if you genuinely don't have chemistry with the person though?
Men and women have very different views on this :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
Okay, but even if theoretically a guy wanted to jump my bones- my fiancé should still trust me to not allow that to happen. Right?0 -
As a trainer, I've had to have these talks a time or two.
How do you approach that discussion from the trainer's POV? Simply curious...
I've actually had to lose some clients due to this....I just tell them that it is a conflict of interest in their personal life that is leading to me dropping them.0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person.
What if you genuinely don't have chemistry with the person though?
Men and women have very different views on this :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
Okay, but even if theoretically a guy wanted to jump my bones- my fiancé should still trust me to not allow that to happen. Right?
Yes, but from a "mans" point of view, knowing someone is making an attempt at your girlfriend is insulting and unnerving, especially if he has confidence issues. He probably doesn't trust this guy at all. Accusing you of cheating was a far stride to take I will admit that.
Would you be comfortable with your fiance hanging around with a woman who wanted to sleep with him?0 -
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I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
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BIG RED FLAG right there, it start small then move to bigger thing. He is insecure and try to control you, this has manipulation written all over it. Been there done that, by the time I was done with him he had brought me down so low that I had no self esteem left and took me years to gain back the confidence in myself. I know the promise you made to him is important to you, so seek councelling if you think it will help. But I would run as far as I can from him.0 -
Is your fiance heavy? Years ago when I bought a NordicTrak and lost about 20 lbs, my ex-wife (who was a little heavy) accused me of losing weight because I was having an affair. Sometimes when one person makes changes in their life and their partner doesn't, they feel abandoned.0
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I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
Ok, this is bad. It sounds controlling and possessive and certainly not a good foundation for a relationship. Not saying your fiancé is abusive but many abusive partners start off this way, using jealousy as justification for stopping you from socialising, eventually isolating you from friends and family. Be wary.0 -
Should, but not always possible depending on past experiences - not necessarily with you.Okay, but even if theoretically a guy wanted to jump my bones- my fiancé should still trust me to not allow that to happen. Right?0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person.
What if you genuinely don't have chemistry with the person though?
Men and women have very different views on this :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
Okay, but even if theoretically a guy wanted to jump my bones- my fiancé should still trust me to not allow that to happen. Right?
Yes, but from a "mans" point of view, knowing someone is making an attempt at your girlfriend is insulting and unnerving, especially if he has confidence issues. He probably doesn't trust this guy at all. Accusing you of cheating was a far stride to take I will admit that.
Would you be comfortable with your fiance hanging around with a woman who wanted to sleep with him?
Honestly, yes.
There is a girl at his work that has a bit of a thing for him. Their friendship doesn't bother me because I trust him. It's harmless IMHO
I don't really get jealous I suppose though, so it may be different for other women0 -
Is your fiance heavy? Years ago when I bought a NordicTrak and lost about 20 lbs, my ex-wife (who was a little heavy) accused me of losing weight because I was having an affair. Sometimes when one person makes changes in their life and their partner doesn't, they feel abandoned.
He's in pretty good shape0 -
i really only see one logical way to approach this. cheat with me then you can look him in the eye and say.
you think I cheated on you with my trainer? My trainer? no....not with my trainer.
haha this guy ^0 -
I have no magic answer for you. It's definitely a red flag, so take things slowly.Is your fiance heavy? Years ago when I bought a NordicTrak and lost about 20 lbs, my ex-wife (who was a little heavy) accused me of losing weight because I was having an affair. Sometimes when one person makes changes in their life and their partner doesn't, they feel abandoned.
He's in pretty good shape0 -
i really only see one logical way to approach this. cheat with me then you can look him in the eye and say.
you think I cheated on you with my trainer? My trainer? no....not with my trainer.
haha this guy ^
Legendary.
And at Op, your obviously much more secure in yourself and your relationship than him. You need to have a careful chat with him about it.0 -
I've jumped to this conclusion with girls I've dated in the past. In all honesty, it had nothing to do with their guy friends, or trust issues and everything to do with my own insecurities at the time. I just didn't feel adequate for whatever reason and I was always trying to "level the playing field" so to speak. It was ridiculous. I haven't had that problem at all since I've been with my wife. She and I agreed early on that we both felt the only way a relationship could be healthy is with as much honest conversation, and forgiveness as possible. We don't let one another off the hook when one of us is being unreasonable, but then we also try our best to put ourselves in one another's shoes. Ask him why he thinks that you would cheat on him, let him talk and really listen for clues as to what is causing it. It may be that he doesn't have trust issues or any of that...it could be that he's thinking about the commitment you to have, and is worried about his own ability to uphold it. It's impossible for any of us to say. Either way, the key is for you both to sit down and talk with equal parts honesty, love, and mercy, while trying to avoid immediate reaction. It works for my wife and I....maybe it will for yall too. Good luck!0
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Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.
Good luck!
x
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
Sounds like he is very insecure. If counseling doesn't help and you stay with him your in for a life time of this.0 -
Men and women have very different views on this :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
^ That is perfect.0 -
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
Ok, this is bad. It sounds controlling and possessive and certainly not a good foundation for a relationship. Not saying your fiancé is abusive but many abusive partners start off this way, using jealousy as justification for stopping you from socialising, eventually isolating you from friends and family. Be wary.
Yes. Jealousy is "Controlling and Possessive". Definitely don't date guys. We suck.0
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