Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

UKMarjie

I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

I guess my concern here is that there is an underlying theme you are talking about. I agree relationships take work but hopefully the majority of your interactions don't involve you thwarting who you are naturally and trying to control your life when he isn't physically present. Lots of warning bells are going off. Imagine what it will be like when you are married - why would you get into something that is dysfunctional from the start?

I guess I don't understand why his problem (insecurity) must result in you changing fundamental things about how you go about your daily business – as in changing your attire, changing your ability to work with a professional person (does this also apply to male colleagues because it will be difficult to find employment with exclusively female colleagues, or what about if you have to have a service person into the house and it turns out to be a guy?). I am not saying that you should dump him - but I would have serious reservations about this behaviour as in the long run things like this, if not addressed, tend to get worse.

Good luck.

mjYanaGirl

It boils down to who is more important to you: your fiancee or your trainer.

GIVE UP THE F#CKING TRAINER! CHANGE GYMS!

Doing this will reassure your finance that he is the most important man in your life. It will not escalate his insecurity - the people who think this are idiots, really.

I take it you're the idiot who hasn't been in an abusive relationship. I have, and she is describing a situation that goes further than just the trainer, it extends to what she is wearing when the two of them are out together, when men look at her when she goes out, etc. So this idiot has some experience with it, experience with someone who regularly kicked the **** out of me emotionally in this way, threatened my life after I left him, and the statistics of women who are beaten and eventually killed by men like this are sobering.

Ha! If I'm the IDIOT, then why am I the one that hasn't been in an abusive relationship? Any person with two brain cells can tell the difference between a person who is rightfully cautious about their SO's other relationships passing into the 'affair' territory and someone who is abusive. It's easy enough to call someone names when you're hiding behind a keyboard, isn't it?

This woman has added information during the thread to JUSTIFY her wanting to keep her relationship with her trainer, not with her fiance. Her original post has to do with her fiance's reaction to her relationship with her trainer. If the other behaviors were so bad in the first place she should have included the information in the OP.

She should do them both a favor and break it off with her fiance if it's too hard to consider changing gyms. Otherwise she is likely to slide into a relationship with her trainer and break up his relationship too!

People ~ who is more important in your life, someone who you are thinking of spending your life with or some casual 'hired friend', which is all a personal trainer really is?

SHEESH! You can give people good advice, but they'll still make bad choices.

Not everyone is your ex-whomever that you had such a bad time with.

You don't have a life outside the kitchen do you?

Not trying to rude but my husband is my partner in life not the sun for which all things revolve around.

Not wanting to give up on a friend who is also a trainer is NOT a crime against matrimony.

Relax. Damn.

UKMarjie

He might not have a problem with you being friends with a your trainer/other males, but maybe how you act around them. Yes, trust is important, but If you come across as flirtatious it is easy to see why he might not be comfortable. If you are married, your marriage comes before your male friendships. Like they say, affairs don't start in the bedroom.

Um...flirtation happens between people of the same and opposite gender - it is kind of the grease that turns the wheel - it is often called charm. I get what you are saying but this is a bit victim blamy for my taste.

Without replying here I am sure the OP knows if her behaviour has crossed a line or not - everyone, in their heart of hearts knows when something is too beyond the line and what constitutes a betrayal...when that happens it is usually a question of either stopping because you care about not damaging your relationship or proceeding because you don't.

One thing the OP did say that I think my be the central issue - she shares quite of few interests and hobbies in common with the trainer - and if this is not the case with her fiance then perhaps that is the root of the problem. Maybe finding an activity that both of you can do (and I don't me an interest but an activity - like learning to dance, walking, hiking, climbing or biking) could help make him feel like you both have some common ground.

Also, something I find true in my relationship with my husband is that I am able to shoot the breeze with guys at the gym in a way I can't with him. The simple reason? They are kind of meaningless to me and so I can just talk about anything and it has no back story, no energy beyond what we are saying and no true investment - whereas when I talk to my husband it is usually far more meaningful and thus gets invested with all sorts of extra stuff - our feelings are engaged and we are invested in each other thus our conversation takes on a lot more value. This is why when someone on the street calls you a name you think 'whatever' but when your partner does it you loose your nut and it really hurts if it is a negative comment.

mjYanaGirl

He might not have a problem with you being friends with a your trainer/other males, but maybe how you act around them. Yes, trust is important, but If you come across as flirtatious it is easy to see why he might not be comfortable. If you are married, your marriage comes before your male friendships. Like they say, affairs don't start in the bedroom.

Um...flirtation happens between people of the same and opposite gender - it is kind of the grease that turns the wheel - it is often called charm. I get what you are saying but this is a bit victim blamy for my taste.

Without replying here I am sure the OP knows if her behaviour has crossed a line or not - everyone, in their heart of hearts knows when something is too beyond the line and what constitutes a betrayal...when that happens it is usually a question of either stopping because you care about not damaging your relationship or proceeding because you don't.

One thing the OP did say that I think my be the central issue - she shares quite of few interests and hobbies in common with the trainer - and if this is not the case with her fiance then perhaps that is the root of the problem. Maybe finding an activity that both of you can do (and I don't me an interest but an activity - like learning to dance, walking, hiking, climbing or biking) could help make him feel like you both have some common ground.

Also, something I find true in my relationship with my husband is that I am able to shoot the breeze with guys at the gym in a way I can't with him. The simple reason? They are kind of meaningless to me and so I can just talk about anything and it has no back story, no energy beyond what we are saying and no true investment - whereas when I talk to my husband it is usually far more meaningful and thus gets invested with all sorts of extra stuff - our feelings are engaged and we are invested in each other thus our conversation takes on a lot more value. This is why when someone on the street calls you a name you think 'whatever' but when your partner does it you loose your nut and it really hurts if it is a negative comment.

^ Beautiful! And it is basically what OP said, conversations with the trainer are the kind you'd have with a buddy no emotions attached. I have been in this situation before being in love with someone who has little to no hobbies in common and having a best friend (male) who was into everything I was into. It made our relationship hard in the beginning but we worked through it ( we ended up parting ways for different reasons). With all that said and done, I think that is what it boils down to starting some new hobbies together and talk it out. But dont give up who you are.

AliciaStinger

Besides that i don't see the poin of such a " friendship" doesn't matter that your trainer has a partner, alot of men are sneaky *kitten* and dont care that you are in a relationshop and that they are in a relationship. THat is the great world we live in these days. despicable

It's not the OP's fault that "alot of men are sneaky *kitten*"; y'all should learn some damn respect. You need to understand that, no matter how "sneaky" a man is, there are women who will say no out of love and respect for the man they're with. It is possible to talk to other men - even other men who are trying to get some - and still put the relationship first. If you don't trust your girlfriend to do that, then either she's not trustworthy, or you have some issues.

By the way, there are also a lot of men who are NOT "sneaky *kitten*" and would respect their relationship/commitment if the roles were reversed. Yes, there are cheaters out there, men AND women, and nobody wants to get hurt...but you don't have to hate all of mankind because of some "sneaky *kitten*."

AliciaStinger

It boils down to who is more important to you: your fiancee or your trainer.

GIVE UP THE F#CKING TRAINER! CHANGE GYMS!

Doing this will reassure your finance that he is the most important man in your life. It will not escalate his insecurity - the people who think this are idiots, really.

I take it you're the idiot who hasn't been in an abusive relationship. I have, and she is describing a situation that goes further than just the trainer, it extends to what she is wearing when the two of them are out together, when men look at her when she goes out, etc. So this idiot has some experience with it, experience with someone who regularly kicked the **** out of me emotionally in this way, threatened my life after I left him, and the statistics of women who are beaten and eventually killed by men like this are sobering.

Ha! If I'm the IDIOT, then why am I the one that hasn't been in an abusive relationship? Any person with two brain cells can tell the difference between a person who is rightfully cautious about their SO's other relationships passing into the 'affair' territory and someone who is abusive. It's easy enough to call someone names when you're hiding behind a keyboard, isn't it?

This woman has added information during the thread to JUSTIFY her wanting to keep her relationship with her trainer, not with her fiance. Her original post has to do with her fiance's reaction to her relationship with her trainer. If the other behaviors were so bad in the first place she should have included the information in the OP.

She should do them both a favor and break it off with her fiance if it's too hard to consider changing gyms. Otherwise she is likely to slide into a relationship with her trainer and break up his relationship too!

People ~ who is more important in your life, someone who you are thinking of spending your life with or some casual 'hired friend', which is all a personal trainer really is?

SHEESH! You can give people good advice, but they'll still make bad choices.

Not everyone is your ex-whomever that you had such a bad time with.

Congrats on your good fortune...although, based on your posts, I'd guess that you're the controlling/abusive partner. Your posts are completely insensitive, disrespectful, closed-minded, rude, and bossy. My parents both have friends of the opposite sex, and neither one has felt the need to try to CONTROL the other one by saying, "you can't do that" -- and you know why? Because there are people who don't look at every male-female relationship as an opportunity to get laid, and there are people who care enough about their relationship/commitment to say "no" if they do get an offer for anything more. They've been married 10 years longer than you claim to have been, with no incidents of cheating, so it just goes to show that your way is NOT the only way, no matter how strongly you claim it is.

You say, "[a]ny person with two brain cells can tell the difference between a person who is rightfully cautious about their SO's other relationships passing into the 'affair' territory and someone who is abusive" - which indicates that either you only have one brain cell, or you have so many brain cells that they got over-crowded, suffocated, and died. Of course I mean no offense...it's just that you very obviously CANNOT tell the difference between a rightfully-cautious S.O. and controlling/abusive behavior. But don't give up on yourself; sometime's it's a very fine line between "afraid of being hurt, very cautious" and "going to make the rest of your life a nightmare."

First of all, although we're only hearing one side of the story, I have not seen a REASON for him to be cautious -- and the fact that OP and her PT are both straight and of the opposite sex is not a legitimate reason if either one or both are committed to their relationships. OP is not meeting this guy out of the gym, not bringing him up a lot, and presumably is not wearing makeup and perfume to the gym when she goes for her appointment. If she were, "cautious" would mean asking to go with to see how they interact with one another, or how she responds to the request. Then, depending on how this played out, he might have reason to suspect or accuse her.

"Controlling" is when you tell your SO how he/she can dress, who he/she can talk to, and mind-screw your partner until he/she keeps to him/herself and becomes lonely, depressed, anti-social, guilty, withdrawn, quiet, and begins to hate life and possibly also the relationship. This also creates an atmosphere for dishonesty because any interactions that would not be approved (such as running into an old friend at a grocery store, even if the discussion is about your family) must be hidden to avoid punishment; open and honest communication becomes difficult to impossible, and any interactions discovered then "prove" that the victim is a sneaky liar. "Controlling" is when you use physical or emotional leverage to make your partner "behave" the way you want him/her to...using the silent treatment, threats of breaking up, telling someone they can't please you if they don't do _____, hitting/burning/stabbing or other physical punishments for "breaking the rules" are all controlling and abusive behaviors -- and they all tend to get worse in time, partly because once you give in on one thing, the abuser knows what to do to make you give up other things. This is one good reason why she SHOULD NOT give up the trainer. If this man were rational most of the time and expressed reasons why he was uncomfortable with this particular relationship, she might consider switching trainers. Switching trainers with a guy who is touchy about her talking to any other man, the way she dresses, and her going out, will only prove to him that he is in control; he'll make requests, never be satisfied, and keep making more requests.

You asked, "who is more important in your life, someone who you are thinking of spending your life with or some casual 'hired friend'...?" Let's put it this way: if said friend were not being hired to manage my social life, and started telling me what I could wear, who I could go out with, and what people I could and could not see, he would be fired. Same thing with a fiance; I am who I am, and you either love me for who I am, or you want someone else. If you knew the difference between a cautious SO and a controlling personality, you would also be doing the "DING DING DING!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!" thing, and telling her that she needs to reevaluate whether or not she wants to try to make it work with someone who doesn't trust her and expects her to sacrifice who she is to please him. Fact is, as a result of this man's behavior, she may choose not to spend the rest of her life with this guy (either by breaking it off now, or divorcing if things get worse after they get married) - so why should she have to give up her friends, nice outfits, or personal trainer?


To OP - Sadly, I know several people who got married to people who worried about the way they dressed, wondered where they "really" were when they went out with same-sex friends or hit bad traffic on the way home from work, checked up on them by phone or surprise visit, etc.. I know people who gave up everything to try to please or at least keep peace with their SO, but most people can't keep their heads down, mouths shut, turn down every social event, and never have to work late for their whole lives; there were always slip-ups and more demands. I don't mean to imply that your relationship couldn't or won't work, or that your guy is controlling or abusive; I don't know him, or you, and can't say with any level of certainty. I just meant that with some people who behave like this, there is potential for this kind of outcome, especially since jealousy and a lack of trust are hard to overcome. I hope that's not the case for you; just be careful and sensible!

keem88

this happened to me a few months ago, because i came home one night and changed my underwear before bed (i change my underwear about 3x a day, sorry tmi but ya gotta be fresh, ya know?)
his reasoning was a few things. first, his parents within this past year are separating because his mom decided she wanted a boyfriend as well. so he kind of has a messed up version about relationships now and thinks theyre all doomed to fail with cheating *kitten*.
he has also been cheated on in the past and he said when we first got togther, please just break up with me instead of cheating. i too have been cheated on in past relationship, and could never imagine putting someone through what i went through.
he had just moved 700 miles away from home with me to new york where i am from, and feared that i had reconnected with a hs sweatheart and was seeing someone else (yeah, no hs sweetheart here. my first love lives in florida now so that isnt gonna happen, plus hes that turd that cheated on me lol).
i felt so hurt when he said this to me, the next day he texted me and said it was shady that i changed my underwear when i got home before i went to bed, then when i was hysterically crying he was like well why do you feel bad if you didnt do anything. i feel bad because im hurt that he would think i would do that and that he doesnt trust me. im a pretty damn trustworthy person.
we have moved past this, he appologized a crap load of times and felt super bad about it. we never really have talked about it again.
although someone told me once if someone accuses you of cheating, it is because they want to make themselves feel better bc they may be cheating.
i hope things have worked out for you guys
but yea it sucks to have someone accuse you of that, what a ****ty feeling when the person you love feels like they cant trust you. i really hope he isnt being shady and just was feeling insecure or paranoid, which are normal feelings in serious relationships

nataliefamily3

Only read a few replies but my take is he is insecure about you getting hot and might think you are going to look for an upgrade. Especially if he is not working out and or your trainer is buff and cute. I think you should reassure him you are doing this for yourself and him too. Maybe you can workout with your husband too like go for walks together or something. But I would also make it clear that its not cool to accuse you of cheating because he should trust you.