Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

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  • plcowner
    plcowner Posts: 106 Member
    I am surprised by the replies on here that people suggest you dump your trainer - that sets a weird precedent that surely you don't want to take into a lifelong relationship!

    When I got married I promised myself and my husband my attitude towards him spending time with other women (he does art and a lot of the time his models are naked) wouldn't change - I don't have a problem with it because I trust him.

    For me to insist it stopped because I was feeling jealous or insecure would be really petty.

    Perhaps it is possible for you and your partner to have a training session (or 5) together with your trainer so he can see for himself that there isn't anything going on?
    [/quote]

    You nailed it. You made the choice to trust him - full stop. Good for you!
  • RotterdamNL
    RotterdamNL Posts: 509 Member
    Guys are so lame. Re evaluate your relationship, and talk about those insecurities he has. Try your hardest not to feel insulted by it. Feel empathy for him and he should come around. Also remind him it's a compliment that guys look at you!
    Well im glad girls are all perfect, hahaha please
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
    I've been getting my coffee from the same lady for two years. I would consider her a friend.

    Maybe I'm just generous with the word "friend" I would call quite a few people on MFP "friends"
    I have to say I've never really seen that as a negative thing.
  • EstiloPanama
    EstiloPanama Posts: 245
    I'm not a terribly huge fan of male/female platonic relationships..especially those that get too close. Usually the motivation of one person may be good, but the other person may not have good motivations. Ultimately it is your decision as a woman to act upon it. He probably feels like you are flirting, like you admire him. He probably is self conscious or insecure. Honestly I would not feel good if my fiance was spending time with and sharing conversation with another female for a long length of time...I suppose I can be jealous and insecure myself, but it's mostly a respect thing. I respect him and want him to feel special. If I want to talk about hobbies, I try to take up his hobbies and learn about them, or he can teach me and vice versa. We are a team. In fact, to avoid problems,we got an elliptical and other work out gear for the home. It's nice to be able to work out with each other and share things, motivating one another.

    I think he took it too far by saying that you are cheating, especially without any hardcore evidence. Maybe he feels emotionally cheated on because you have more in common with another man than you do with him. It must be hard for him.

    Hopefully you can sit down with him and try to understand his point of view...and work toward solutions that are not restricting yet respectful.
  • Matt_1972
    Matt_1972 Posts: 56 Member
    I've been getting my coffee from the same lady for two years. I would consider her a friend.

    Maybe I'm just generous with the word "friend" I would call quite a few people on MFP "friends"
    I have to say I've never really seen that as a negative thing.

    And yet you are the one who started this thread
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
    I've been getting my coffee from the same lady for two years. I would consider her a friend.

    Maybe I'm just generous with the word "friend" I would call quite a few people on MFP "friends"
    I have to say I've never really seen that as a negative thing.

    And yet you are the one who started this thread

    You've lost me
  • bub_snig
    bub_snig Posts: 56
    Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends

    This sounds like a great idea
  • freddykid
    freddykid Posts: 265 Member
    I am not for giving up all personal freedom/rights. But it is your right and sometimes you may have to give up a little bit for the relationship. That is only your choice to make. Maybe do the PT sessions less frequently. He also could be having a bad week. Just an FYI I am horrible at giving relationship advise. hope you stay under your daily goal!
  • dtiapril
    dtiapril Posts: 41
    I love all the posts saying "guys and girls can't just be friends" - this isn't a friendship, it's a professional relationship of client and trainer.

    If she gives up the PT, does that mean she can only see female doctors, dentists, hairdressers, wedding planners, accountants, solicitors, mortgage advisors? etc etc etc etc

    The PT isn't the issue - his insecurity is. Giving up the PT is putting a bandage on a much bigger problem that needs sorting out.
  • tsdaughe
    tsdaughe Posts: 88
    As a counselor, the insecurity and him being concerned about what you wear, going out, etc. are all red flags for a controlling relationship. I also speak as someone who was in one of those relationships and I ignored the red flags and things went south fast. I will add I only put up with behavior for 3 months before he got the boot. I am not saying this is the case for you but this all something to consider.
  • rm7161
    rm7161 Posts: 505
    Maybe do the PT sessions less frequently

    They're not frequent according to her. He occasionally works with her to adjust her program, and most of the time she is lifting with her fiance alongside her. It's basically a decision of not being able to work out at that gym without her fiance with her, because the PT works there. That is an unacceptable situation
    As a counselor, the insecurity and him being concerned about what you wear, going out, etc. are all red flags for a controlling relationship. I also speak as someone who was in one of those relationships and I ignored the red flags and things went south fast. I will add I only put up with behavior for 3 months before he got the boot. I am not saying this is the case for you but this all something to consider.

    This. What happened to me too, except it went on for two years and he was harrassing me after I left, till I was forced to move far away giving up pretty much everything in the pursuit of physical safety.
  • tsdaughe
    tsdaughe Posts: 88
    @hypatiaa Ya... I hear ya. He physically assaulted me. Had him arrested and jailed. He harassed me at work, lost my job, police wouldn't enforce the restraining order. The court date got pushed and pushed back and then he had me charged for defending myself. I have never been in trouble so the charges were dropped but it was an ordeal. Well he is in jail for something else now. Thank goodness. but believe me, I watch those red flags now. Have an amazing fiance now but I had to learn the hard way. I have a big heart hence being a counselor but you have to watch the red flags and balance it with your own judgement.
  • Sqeekyjojo
    Sqeekyjojo Posts: 704 Member
    My instinct is to run.

    If he can't handle these things now, he obviously thinks you're easy. That you cannot be trusted to travel anywhere without having to have casual sex with random dudes. That you can't even get healthy without wanting something from men in return. Like a prostitute, only not having high enough standards to expect to get paid.


    How do you think he's going to be in ten years from now? It'll be the same or worse, you'll have to account for why you took seven minutes more to get back from the store, why you looked at the face of the police officer; he'll be furious the guy selling you coffee told you to have a nice day, as that has to mean you're having sex with him in exchange for a triple caramel Grande. You'll be accused if you speak to your kids' school teacher, if you brush your hair or wash your clothes.


    One day you'll realise that there is nothing you can say or do that will ever convince him that you haven't been sleeping around throughout your entire relationship - don't be surprised if he doesn't accept any children you have could be his. And forget about his caring for them so you can leave the house without them - you might get with that mystery man again. And then you'll be accused of doing it whilst you've got the kids with you.




    By then, you won't care anymore. And if you've already been found guilty ten thousand times, it's not such a tough leap to the 10,001st time being the one where you actually do get involved with someone else.
  • monicalosesweight
    monicalosesweight Posts: 1,173 Member
    Counseling....you do NOT want to marry someone with a jealous streak. If a person can't trust you, then you've got a BIG problem. You'll end up feeling like you can't breath for causing him to be upset about something. I would definitely see someone - even if it means bringing it up with your pastor/priest during counseling prior to marriage and being pretty darn straightforward and addressing why it would become a problem in your relationship. He needs to know that you will NOT be boxed in with his feelings of insecurity - he trusts you or he doesn't. Best to find that out now so you're not miserable later.
  • xSveltex
    xSveltex Posts: 18 Member
    Hey. I'm not sure if this was said already but I think that if he has met this guy a few times its highly possible that he believes that either a) there is enough chemistry between the both of you that there is a problem or will be a problem in the very near future or b) that he got the feeling that regardless of the trainer's relationship status and your current beliefs regarding where you and the trainer stand (I know this is kind of convoluted but go with me here) that your trainer has designs on you.

    Either way this is a real concern, and I don't necessarily think its insecurity. A lot of the time when someone feels like something is up even though they may pick the wrong "thing" something else fishy along those lines may be going on.

    Although you say that you have no intentions towards this guy your trainer may be thinking along a completely different line, and your boyfriend can tell.

    This guy is obviously serious about you, but you need to sit down and figure out where he is getting these vibes from so you can pinpoint what you should be able to do to work through this.

    I've been in a relationship with the same guy for 8 years and we are still going strong, the primary reason is that we try to keep or communication open. So try to keep an open mind and pinpoint where this is coming from.
  • monicalosesweight
    monicalosesweight Posts: 1,173 Member
    Either way this is a real concern, and I don't necessarily think its insecurity. A lot of the time when someone feels like something is up even though they may pick the wrong "thing" something else fishy along those lines may be going on.

    Although you say that you have no intentions towards this guy your trainer may be thinking along a completely different line, and your boyfriend can tell.

    This could also be a strong indication of a major control freak...they start small and get worse. Basically, little things are said to try and control you emotionally. You need a third person (counselor/priest - someone whose impartial) and you NEED to bring it up in that sort of a setting and you need to ask him why he's brought it up. Basically, you need to question whether he really wants to marry you if he can't feel like he can trust you. If he's going to feel that way about every guy you meet - best to find that out right away as that's no way to live your life. He may just not be ready for a real relationship.
  • Jerrypeoples
    Jerrypeoples Posts: 1,541 Member
    next thing you know he will want to take away your right to own firearms.......
  • LiftAllThePizzas
    LiftAllThePizzas Posts: 17,857 Member
    Reward his behavior by totally going out of your way to prove to him that you aren't, rearrange your whole life to cater to his weakness, and give up being your own person.

    But seriously, a good relationship wouldn't ever get to the point of one person accusing the other of cheating. Find someone who is actually compatible instead of trying to make something strong out of a faulty foundation.
  • Oklahoma_girl
    Oklahoma_girl Posts: 174
    Maybe.. He is accusing you of cheating because he has a guilty conscious... :/
  • woods4722
    woods4722 Posts: 22 Member
    Is this the first time he has accused you of this? If it is then talk to him and when talking to him think of how you would want the situation handled if the shoe was on the other foot. Now....with saying that, if this is a recurrent situation then you need to really rethink you commitment to him and this relationship.
  • squishymissay
    squishymissay Posts: 37 Member
    From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

    Just this guy's perspective.
  • squishymissay
    squishymissay Posts: 37 Member
    I hate to say it, but I agree that generally males and females cannot be great friends without one or the other having feelings.. I think that if he's jealous I would try to be a little understanding. Consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed.
  • Cherie7575
    Cherie7575 Posts: 233
    Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change. :)

    Good luck!

    x

    I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

    I agree, it might be time to try counseling and get to the root of these problems before they spiral further out of control.
  • crazyraygarland
    crazyraygarland Posts: 2
    as a man,he should trust you,, i hate to say this but --- sometimes the guilty dog barks first,,,plus is this something you dont want to hear all the time,, if its hard going in --- its a som***** coming out,,
  • jrhodo
    jrhodo Posts: 43 Member
    I married a man like that. I just gets worse. Look into the behavior patterns of an abuser and see if it fits.
  • luckylou19
    luckylou19 Posts: 5 Member
    :smile:
  • MelissaE27
    MelissaE27 Posts: 682 Member
    Maybe.. He is accusing you of cheating because he has a guilty conscious... :/

    I have to say I agree with this as a possibility.. I had someone accuse me of cheating and it turned out he was dating numerous other women....I hope this is not what is happening and he is insecure,.,,,:(
  • lamaracuya
    lamaracuya Posts: 5
    You are a strong, independent woman in a modern society. If you have never done anything he could blame you for, then it is HIS error.
    HE needs to sort out his jealousy issues, otherwise it will get worse.

    Looking for a female trainer won't solve the problem. how about the cute new colleague? The neighbor? your old friend from school?
    Try working on your relationship toghether to strenghten your bond and help him feel less insecure. maybe he would like to train with you? perhaps installing a similar, scheduled event with your fiancé might help as well?
    talk to him and clearly tell him you never intended to cheat on him, you were serious about the promise you made, and you are hurt by his mistrust. ask what would help him, but don't let it hem you in.
    remember; you are not in the guilty position here.
  • wcaldwelld
    wcaldwelld Posts: 103 Member
    My approach to these things is to think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed, and go from there. In this case, how would you feel if your fiance was working out with a cute female trainer? (Although you seem like a confident and level-headed chick, so this probably wouldn't bother you much. :smile:) But it can be a good starting point before you have a conversation with him.

    After reading through this thread some common sense>>>> many of you said dump him or he will be like this.. which can be true but until you look at his position and how one would feel if he did as well with a female trainer how this whole situation plays out..

    I am not saying he is right or wrong but with the limited information that was posted it is hard to truly make a sound secure judgement and without looking from all angles to have people say dump him, and leave him or break it off, if she does truly love him that this is something to be worked on with a counselor, then after seeking out professional assistance then she can make an informed decision.....not one based on one piece of the pie....
  • xxvogue
    xxvogue Posts: 172 Member
    I don't want to jump straight from this to "abusive," but I agree with some others that I REALLY began worrying when you made the comment about your clothes and who you hang out with. At the very least that's more controlling than I would tolerate personally.

    I wouldn't get a female trainer, and I'd pretty much say; "we go to therapy, or I leave." There's no easy answer to this, but where does it stop?

    Edit: also, men and women can absolutely just be friends despite that video which was probably edited to only include the women that caved. I have a very, very good guy friend that I feel NO attraction towards, and I am confident he would never "hook up" with me even if offered. We often have a few drinks together and on one occasion have slept in the same bed, and NOTHING happens at all. Never has.

    And I've met and am friends with his girlfriend. We don't hangout together when he's not there, but I do like his girlfriend and think she's a great girl.

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