Fiancé accused me of cheating :/
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I agree with the guy holding up the camera that said that men and women rarely can be just friends--and I'm a woman. (don't know how to quote yet, sorry, newbie.) In my considerable years on this planet, I can't remember a single instance where a male friend didn't end up testing the boundaries of our friendship. For that reason I no longer leave room for doubt. When in a professional relationship such as you have with your trainer, or physical therapist, nutritionist, chiropractor, massage therapist, anyone related to anything physical, I would take my mate with me no matter what level of commitment we had, BF, hubby, fiancé etc. It reinforces the professional role for the other guy, reassures him and me, and gets me off the hook of having to wonder what he might think. It also protects you from having your fiancee start entertaining the idea of friends that are women. The idea that men and women can be "just friends" is silly & immature and anti-biological. There is a PROFESSIONAL role your trainer has with you and your fiancé should be welcomed & you should be able to work out a schedule that works for both of you if your mutual relationship and emotional security is that important to both of you. I hope this helps you see it more as a "we" problem than a "he" problem since when you committed to marrying him you committed to becoming a "we" and taking his feelings into account and strengthening him against the world not weakening him with doubts.0
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The idea that men and women can be "just friends" is silly and immature.
No the idea they cant is silly and immature. Just because two people have different physiological parts does not preclude them from friendship. Utterly ridiculous statement.0 -
You have lots of advice here and a lot of it is very good. You have to really stop and think about all of this. I married a guy like this although it wasn't just one issue there were more but infrequent the biggest issue was that I did not pay attention. After three years it got to where he did not want me to go anywhere with anyone - no girl friends, no gym even a womans gym, always accused me of sleeping with people at work. I'm mature very steady never cheat never have etc but this behavior is a very strong warning sign so I would not ignore it and at the very minimum I'd strongly recommend this not be swept under the carpet and forgotten once your no longer upset. I would encourage you to seek a strong effective counselor to really work with you to start then him to verify if this was just a one off and not a behavior which will increase and worsen if you get married. I'm incredibly strong and type A assertive no one would ever believe after three years that I would allow anyone to dictate where I went, what I dressed in etc. It doesnt happen in one day its a series of small things and you think by just appeasing that immediate issue it will go away but for me it did not.
Its a red flag. explore it make sure you get it settled and watch for other similar types of issues. I am old fashioned and I do think women should either have male friends that include their spouse or stick to women as friends to go out and do things with. I could understand if youd met the trainer outside of the gym for lunch or were developing a strong(er) relationship outside of your finance, but as you noted that did not play into it. So just be cautious - you know there was something not right about this situation its why you are upset and hurt. Don't ignore that - listen to yourself...Take care
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The idea that men and women can be "just friends" is silly and immature.
No the idea they cant is silly and immature. Just because two people have different physiological parts does not preclude them from friendship. Utterly ridiculous statement.
without a doubt. my best friend is a female, and shes ridiculously hot. maybe for one nano second when i first worked with her when we were 18 did i think about her naked and then realized just how far out of my league she is. we have been best friends since then. Her kids adore me, i get along great with her husband and her family.
some of our old classmates find it strange that we are such good friends but thats all it is. shes helped me immensely the past few months after my mom passed since she went through the same thing a few years earlier. to me shes stinkbutt and i am jer-bear or pewpy pants.0 -
The idea that men and women can be "just friends" is silly and immature.
No the idea they cant is silly and immature. Just because two people have different physiological parts does not preclude them from friendship. Utterly ridiculous statement.
without a doubt. my best friend is a female, and shes ridiculously hot. maybe for one nano second when i first worked with her when we were 18 did i think about her naked and then realized just how far out of my league she is. we have been best friends since then. Her kids adore me, i get along great with her husband and her family.
some of our old classmates find it strange that we are such good friends but thats all it is. shes helped me immensely the past few months after my mom passed since she went through the same thing a few years earlier. to me shes stinkbutt and i am jer-bear or pewpy pants.
dont give up dude...get in shape and get some of dat!0 -
Invite him to join you at the gym.
Good idea, if he sees you working out with this trainer and sees its simply client-trainer relationship maybe it would ease his mind, trust is key though!0 -
dont give up dude...get in shape and get some of dat!
cant have my friends realizing how perverted i am.
though one time years and years ago me her and her sister were at the bar when some guy who was easily 30+ years started hitting on her saying how he wanted to show her his gun collection and stuff and she said, im here with my boyfriend. proceeded to tap me on the arm and i turned and said, excuse me miss, im here with my date, and nodded at her sister.
her sister and i continued to laugh but only until i got slapped up the side of the head when he left 0 -
Dump him.
An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.
I don't think it is a dumpable offence. He obviously just needs a bit of reassurance at the moment. We all have moment like it. I recently got paranoid with my partner and I trust him
Maybe. But my ex thought I was cheating once. Then he thought I was too friendly with a male colleague. Then he had issues with me seeing a male friend I'd been friends with for years and years (I actually met him through this friend so he knew the drill) and it just got worse and worse and worse. He wanted to know what I was wearing when I went out, who I was seeing, checked my phone whenever he had the opportunity and actually phoned my friends regularly to check I was where I said I was. I got to the point where I thought I might as well cheat because I was getting punished for it anyway and we certainly weren't having any kind of sexual relationship anymore.
OK I might not have reacted in the first instance, but I reacted FAR too late.
If my current fella showed the same signs I'd run. Jealously makes you feel good for the first small dose, but it's something you'll never overcome.0 -
There is so much more to the situation than what meets the eye. Most are going to think the extremes in both directions but the fact is that there are unseen and unspoken reasons for his behaviour that may or may not have anything to do with you.
He may be insecure about you being 'improved' around other men because a woman in his past may have split from him when she had 'improved' herself and that could just be his motivation for feeling the way he does and the reason why he reacts that way.
Another thing is you may not realize that you have flirty personality and it makes him nervous because he doesn't know when you are flirting or being flirty but friendly.
Another possible reason is that he may be accusing you of what he is guilty of to bring the attention off himself and if he caught you doing something wrong then he wouldn't have to feel guilty.
Those are just a few reasons but there could be so many more things that you just might now know he is thinking or feeling. Taking the time to discuss how you feel and the wanting of understanding on boths sides he may open and discuss his reasons and see that you are completely invested in your relationship. So talk to him and see what happens
There is a lot of truth here in these possibilities. If you do what I said there will be no room for him to accuse you since you could rightfully say he has been with you every time you went to that trainer. Honestly if it were me, I know it sounds extreme, but I would dump the trainer even though he may have done nothing wrong I suspect you value your "real" relationship with your fiancé over your professional one with the trainer. I'd then get a female one, if that were impossible, get another male one but bring my mate to every single appointment from the get go and have a strict rule if he can't make it, I don't go, I workout at home, or go for a run or whatever. If he still went to every new appointment or I changed to a woman and he still accused me if I LEFT NO ROOM FOR DOUBT, then I'd consider he had very real and possibly dangerous problem and would not marry him unless I went to counseling first and it revealed that it was okay to proceed.0 -
There is so much more to the situation than what meets the eye. Most are going to think the extremes in both directions but the fact is that there are unseen and unspoken reasons for his behaviour that may or may not have anything to do with you.
He may be insecure about you being 'improved' around other men because a woman in his past may have split from him when she had 'improved' herself and that could just be his motivation for feeling the way he does and the reason why he reacts that way.
Another thing is you may not realize that you have flirty personality and it makes him nervous because he doesn't know when you are flirting or being flirty but friendly.
Another possible reason is that he may be accusing you of what he is guilty of to bring the attention off himself and if he caught you doing something wrong then he wouldn't have to feel guilty.
Those are just a few reasons but there could be so many more things that you just might now know he is thinking or feeling. Taking the time to discuss how you feel and the wanting of understanding on boths sides he may open and discuss his reasons and see that you are completely invested in your relationship. So talk to him and see what happens
There is a lot of truth here in these possibilities. If you do what I said there will be no room for him to accuse you since you could rightfully say he has been with you every time you went to that trainer. Honestly if it were me, I know it sounds extreme, but I would dump the trainer even though he may have done nothing wrong I suspect you value your "real" relationship with your fiancé over your professional one with the trainer. I'd then get a female one, if that were impossible, get another male one but bring my mate to every single appointment from the get go and have a strict rule if he can't make it, I don't go, I workout at home, or go for a run or whatever. If he still went to every new appointment or I changed to a woman and he still accused me if I LEFT NO ROOM FOR DOUBT, then I'd consider he had very real and possibly dangerous problem and would not marry him unless I went to counseling first and it revealed that it was okay to proceed.
Just no. Having to dump your personal trainer because your partner has irrational jealousy issues is just putting a temporary bandage on the big problem. Next you'll be staying home and wearing tracksuits all the time to make him feel better and all the time you'll be feeling more like ****.0 -
She already said it might not seem fair. Life isn't fair. The fiancé is infinitely more important than the trainer. No disrespect to trainers but there are many. Would you choose a manicurist over a friend? I wouldn't. I know they are not the same but the essential role is one is a person providing a professional service for money to whom she owes NO ALLEGIANCE. The other is someone she has chosen as a lifelong partner, the future father of her children, provider in hard times and good, protector, etc. If she doesn't start giving him the room to be a man and trusting his instincts now, how will she fare in the future when she needs him more and more and vice versa? This is real life people, not a soap opera and "dump him" is not a fair or helpful answer.
I don't know about that... i don't think it's fair that she has to give up a trainer who she works well with because her fiancee is having insecurity struggles due to her weightloss or whatever the reason my be. Its seems as if HE needs to do some compromising and evaluation to realize she said yes to him not to her trainer and so his accusations are stupid/immature/unfounded/ect. especially if the trainer has his own partner.
If this is something that's really important to your fiance, you may need to make a choice between him and your trainer. Any man in their right mind would not try to ask you to make that decision, it's just one of those things that you do for the good of your relationship, even if it doesn't seem entirely fair at the time.
Personally, I would immediately find a female trainer and tell fiance that I'm doing so. Reassure him that there's nothing going on between you and your male trainer, and you wanted to make sure he knows that you realize how uncomfortable he was with the situation and you've decided to fix it. I would also get into counselling, though, because there's a fine line between doing something you don't want to do out of respect for your relationship, and doing something you don't want to do because you feel forced into it.0 -
There is so much more to the situation than what meets the eye. Most are going to think the extremes in both directions but the fact is that there are unseen and unspoken reasons for his behaviour that may or may not have anything to do with you.
He may be insecure about you being 'improved' around other men because a woman in his past may have split from him when she had 'improved' herself and that could just be his motivation for feeling the way he does and the reason why he reacts that way.
Another thing is you may not realize that you have flirty personality and it makes him nervous because he doesn't know when you are flirting or being flirty but friendly.
Another possible reason is that he may be accusing you of what he is guilty of to bring the attention off himself and if he caught you doing something wrong then he wouldn't have to feel guilty.
Those are just a few reasons but there could be so many more things that you just might now know he is thinking or feeling. Taking the time to discuss how you feel and the wanting of understanding on boths sides he may open and discuss his reasons and see that you are completely invested in your relationship. So talk to him and see what happens
There is a lot of truth here in these possibilities. If you do what I said there will be no room for him to accuse you since you could rightfully say he has been with you every time you went to that trainer. Honestly if it were me, I know it sounds extreme, but I would dump the trainer even though he may have done nothing wrong I suspect you value your "real" relationship with your fiancé over your professional one with the trainer. I'd then get a female one, if that were impossible, get another male one but bring my mate to every single appointment from the get go and have a strict rule if he can't make it, I don't go, I workout at home, or go for a run or whatever. If he still went to every new appointment or I changed to a woman and he still accused me if I LEFT NO ROOM FOR DOUBT, then I'd consider he had very real and possibly dangerous problem and would not marry him unless I went to counseling first and it revealed that it was okay to proceed.
This is what I have been trying to say. Good points that I feel are right on.0 -
She already said it might not seem fair. Life isn't fair. The fiancé is infinitely more important than the trainer. No disrespect to trainers but there are many. Would you choose a manicurist over a friend? I wouldn't. I know they are not the same but the essential role is one is a person providing a professional service for money to whom she owes NO ALLEGIANCE. The other is someone she has chosen as a lifelong partner, the future father of her children, provider in hard times and good, protector, etc. If she doesn't start giving him the room to be a man and trusting his instincts now, how will she fare in the future when she needs him more and more and vice versa? This is real life people, not a soap opera and "dump him" is not a fair or helpful answer.
I don't know about that... i don't think it's fair that she has to give up a trainer who she works well with because her fiancee is having insecurity struggles due to her weightloss or whatever the reason my be. Its seems as if HE needs to do some compromising and evaluation to realize she said yes to him not to her trainer and so his accusations are stupid/immature/unfounded/ect. especially if the trainer has his own partner.
If this is something that's really important to your fiance, you may need to make a choice between him and your trainer. Any man in their right mind would not try to ask you to make that decision, it's just one of those things that you do for the good of your relationship, even if it doesn't seem entirely fair at the time.
Personally, I would immediately find a female trainer and tell fiance that I'm doing so. Reassure him that there's nothing going on between you and your male trainer, and you wanted to make sure he knows that you realize how uncomfortable he was with the situation and you've decided to fix it. I would also get into counselling, though, because there's a fine line between doing something you don't want to do out of respect for your relationship, and doing something you don't want to do because you feel forced into it.
Sorry, am I suddenly living in the 1930's without realising it. Being a man isnt about controlling her every move being a man is about trusting her, accepting who she is, letting her live her life, supporting her and loving her in all those things and knowing that you're the one she comes home to.0 -
There is so much more to the situation than what meets the eye. Most are going to think the extremes in both directions but the fact is that there are unseen and unspoken reasons for his behaviour that may or may not have anything to do with you.
He may be insecure about you being 'improved' around other men because a woman in his past may have split from him when she had 'improved' herself and that could just be his motivation for feeling the way he does and the reason why he reacts that way.
Another thing is you may not realize that you have flirty personality and it makes him nervous because he doesn't know when you are flirting or being flirty but friendly.
Another possible reason is that he may be accusing you of what he is guilty of to bring the attention off himself and if he caught you doing something wrong then he wouldn't have to feel guilty.
Those are just a few reasons but there could be so many more things that you just might now know he is thinking or feeling. Taking the time to discuss how you feel and the wanting of understanding on boths sides he may open and discuss his reasons and see that you are completely invested in your relationship. So talk to him and see what happens
There is a lot of truth here in these possibilities. If you do what I said there will be no room for him to accuse you since you could rightfully say he has been with you every time you went to that trainer. Honestly if it were me, I know it sounds extreme, but I would dump the trainer even though he may have done nothing wrong I suspect you value your "real" relationship with your fiancé over your professional one with the trainer. I'd then get a female one, if that were impossible, get another male one but bring my mate to every single appointment from the get go and have a strict rule if he can't make it, I don't go, I workout at home, or go for a run or whatever. If he still went to every new appointment or I changed to a woman and he still accused me if I LEFT NO ROOM FOR DOUBT, then I'd consider he had very real and possibly dangerous problem and would not marry him unless I went to counseling first and it revealed that it was okay to proceed.
Just no. Having to dump your personal trainer because your partner has irrational jealousy issues is just putting a temporary bandage on the big problem. Next you'll be staying home and wearing tracksuits all the time to make him feel better and all the time you'll be feeling more like ****.
This assumes his jealousy is irrational. The trainer may be doing or saying things that make him sense somethings wrong that she doesn't notice. He's met him, she said. If he suspects something but she didn't do it that means there may have been time blocks when something "could" have happened and added to whatever gut instincts he has about the trainer it's causing him to worry. If I loved someone I wouldn't want them to worry and would do anything to allay their fears. CAVEAT: I have to confess that I have a very rational and secure mate and am speaking from that perspective thinking about how few times my hubby has ever felt uneasy and how I can easily allay those fears by choosing him over anything. She must judge for herself whether this is a pattern, too soon a knee jerk reaction or whatnot. Yeah she should not automatically give in to his every insecurity and end up a shut in, with sloppy clothes and no life. She's a long way from that though and she owes her relationship a chance and giving her mate the respect of changing trainers is no biggie in the grand scheme of things. So what if he turns out to be a weirdo and she breaks off the engagement she still had another trainer still worked toward her goals. It amazes me that people are so quick to ditch the "real" relationship in favor of the "platonic friendship" (too much TV). Which do you think the trainer thinks of her as a "friend" or a "client"? Start thinking realistically and everything will get better.0 -
Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends
Great advice!0 -
No male "friend" of mine wasn't waiting for the chance to take things further. Just speaking from my own experience. If you have a female friend who you would never ever get something going with if given the opportunity and yet you feel the desire to spend time with nonetheless, and you are not gay, then more power to you. Unfortunately that has not been my experience, I am just being honest for this girls sake because she may be encouraging the fiancés insecurities with behavior she hasn't yet learned is detrimental to his trust, and her safety.The idea that men and women can be "just friends" is silly and immature.
No the idea they cant is silly and immature. Just because two people have different physiological parts does not preclude them from friendship. Utterly ridiculous statement.0 -
He either trusts you or he doesn't - simple, you need to question whether you want to enter into a marriage if he doesn't trust you. Also plenty of females have a male trainer they are good at what they do. I suspect your fiancée may have been cheated on in the past so has some insecure issues he needs to work on.0
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If this level of mistrust is present before you're married, it will only get worse afterward. Do NOT marry this man unless the two of you can work through the trust issues - not just this one, but whatever is at the core of it so that he can trust you from here on out.
Mistrustful men often turn into controllers, to cover their own insecurity. Too many fine women have been harmed by such men. Don't be another one, please.0 -
As a trainer, I've had to have these talks a time or two.
Can you give her some advice about how to handle it?0
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