Fiancé accused me of cheating :/
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Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.
Good luck!
x
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
I'm actually in school for professional counseling. If this becomes a problem that can't be fixed and it's really hindering the relationship go in for a tune up. It will make your communication much better and add more trust. It will strengthen your relationship greatly if you feel you need some. I think it's a great idea for the two of them to meet. It takes away the mystery or this other guy, and maybe he should try training with him too if he likes that sort of thing. You are allowed to have male friends but once you're married, there are a LOT more boundaries to these male friendships, as there should be. Usually those male friendships are mutual friends of your husband or atleast the husband has met him on several occasions.0 -
No male "friend" of mine wasn't waiting for the chance to take things further. Just speaking from my own experience. If you have a female friend who you would never ever get something going with if given the opportunity and yet you feel the desire to spend time with nonetheless, and you are not gay, then more power to you. Unfortunately that has not been my experience, I am just being honest for this girls sake because she may be encouraging the fiancés insecurities with behavior she hasn't yet learned is detrimental to his trust, and her safety.The idea that men and women can be "just friends" is silly and immature.
No the idea they cant is silly and immature. Just because two people have different physiological parts does not preclude them from friendship. Utterly ridiculous statement.
Totally agree.0 -
What does your heart tell you? If you know nothing's going on, then tell him that. If he's that insecure-dump him. Trust me-these red flag behaviors become worse over time, and you won't or don't want to "fix them" in 5 years (or in my case 30) down the road. A little advice I wish I'd been told.0
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Except the fact it is the driving foce behind the actions of every mammal species.I find that offensive. First, I do not subscribe to the idea that all people have to view members of the opposite sex (or whatever sex they are normally attracted to) as potential sexual partners. This is an idea that many believe because it has been repeated over and over again by pop psychologists and because it fits with their world view. It doesn't have good scientific support. Second, you suggest that those who don't agree with your are not being honest. That's a serious over-generalization. Robin actually put it appropriately - "Not all people are the same." I don't think she's a perv, or you are, I just think that people differ -- and the original poster obviously doesn't view all men as potential bed partners. Nor do I. If her partner doesn't understand that and trust her, they do need help.0 -
You are allowed to have male friends but once you're married, there are a LOT more boundaries to these male friendships, as there should be. Usually those male friendships are mutual friends of your husband or atleast the husband has met him on several occasions.
Why? They are friends, if they are just friends why do those boundaries have to change. Yeah you might naturally see them less but not through conscious decision that things had to change, just through time being consumed building a home and starting a family etc. If you change things as soon as someone puts a ring on your finger then that's wrong. You should already have established who both of you are and how the relationship is going to work and who all of your friends are well before you even consider getting married, not changing things after.0 -
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At some point, you might want to ask him if he truly believes you are having an affair, or if he was just spouting off.
(Guys will do that when they feel like they are losing an argument - pull everything out of the gunnysack and spill it on the floor.)
These types of fights are horrid, but they're all part of marriage.
One of my friends said you spend the first year, at least, learning how to fight with each other.
Most marital (and pre-marital) fights are not the end of the world, but you do have to figure out how to get through them, with love.
That, I would say, is the most difficult part of the new relationship.
Understand, too, that marriage will change the nature of all your friendships with guys. It has to, as they have to move down one or more notches to make room for your hubby to be now being #1.
So you, and everyone in your life, will be adjusting, and so will your hubby and everyone in his life.
Knowing all this, I think, might help you get some perspective on the situation0 -
Understand, too, that marriage will change the nature of all your friendships with guys. It has to, as they have to move down one or more notches to make room for your hubby to be now being #1.
So you, and everyone in your life, will be adjusting, and so will your hubby and everyone in his life.
Knowing all this, I think, might help you get some perspective on the situation
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
He should already have been #1 long before you get married, but that doesn't mean your friendships have to change because they are totally different things. Why does loving someone change your friendships whether they are with men or women.0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person. And this is also why I don't develope friendships or spend too much time with a man other than my husband.
I once brought this up to my close guy friend a few years ago, saying its crazy how people think a male/female cant be friends without one person feeling more. I said to him "look at us! we're friends and we dont want to sleep together" to which he replied "who said i dont want to sleep with you???" Wake up call LOL. We never did sleep together and still remain friends but it was such an unexpected response from him!0 -
Just go ahead and do the trainer.....tell bf you never once thought of it untilWhat does your heart tell you? If you know nothing's going on, then tell him that. If he's that insecure-dump him. Trust me-these red flag behaviors become worse over time, and you won't or don't want to "fix them" in 5 years (or in my case 30) down the road. A little advice I wish I'd been told.
HE PUT THE NOTION IN YOUR HEAD :smokin:0 -
I'd just cut him with Occam's Razor and let him bleed a lil...
He'll come around.0 -
Relationship is like building a house.. It takes time to build a perfect house. That goes for the relationship as well. Don't just "dump him". Couples need to work on making that "perfect" relationship. That's IF you want this relationship to work...
Maybe find a different trainer. Is there a female trainer? That may help..
Do you talk about your day training with your trainer to your fiancee? Maybe make it a minimum conversation about it.
Good luck. 0 -
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
DING DING DING!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!!!!!!
If this isnt the only time he's been insecure about the stability of your relationship then there is something else going on here. I understand you are engaged, but do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that is insecure about you, accusing you of cheating, complaining about what you wear and questioning any time you walk out the door, even if you are meeting a girl friend for coffee?
HUGE red flag, do NOT ignore it.
Get counseling and help him get past this or get out now. This may sound harsh but its reality.0 -
My husband of 18 years took up a friendship with a neighbor this past year. She is a bit nuts and has a history of abuse. I "allowed" the relationship and would ask about it every so often. He would reassure me that nothing was going on between them. And I believed him even after he got a text from her husband asking about what was going on between my husband and his wife. Long story short... he ended up having sex with her.
While relationships between opposite sexes are possible, they can definately lead to something... value your relationship between you and your fiance, then you will keep it sacred and not do anything to harm it. Your fiance needs to be reassured of this.0 -
My mom always said if a man was a little "too" concerned about you cheating/being "overly" jealous, then he's probably the one cheating...0
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Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.
Good luck!
x
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
If he's already this insecure, it wont ease off after you say I do. Trust me. You really need to evaluate the situation. Hope counceling helps. If not... well. Fingers crossed for you!
^^ I think this is sound. Counseling would be the best option right now, I think, but keep an eye out. If he is consistently insecure and possessive, it might not be a safe situation for you. That type of behavior is a red flag to me.0 -
Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.
I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend
No, I would not give up my trainer and like you said it would be catering to his insecurities. I say be firm and if he knows you love him he should not have a problem with your trainer or the way you dress or anything for that matter... By firm I mean express to him how it bothers you that he does not trust you enough and evaluate the situation... If I were you I would try and help him threw it but I would not change myself to ease his insecurity, in the long run it will just escalate... If when he met you did not have a problem with friends, the way you dressed or who you talked to he should not have one now... Best of luck to you...0 -
Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.
I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend
No, I would not give up my trainer and like you said it would be catering to his insecurities. I say be firm and if he knows you love him he should not have a problem with your trainer or the way you dress or anything for that matter... By firm I mean express to him how it bothers you that he does not trust you enough and evaluate the situation... If I were you I would try and help him threw it but I would not change myself to ease his insecurity, in the long run it will just escalate... If when he met you did not have a problem with friends, the way you dressed or who you talked to he should not have one now... Best of luck to you...
It boils down to who is more important to you: your fiancee or your trainer.
GIVE UP THE F#CKING TRAINER! CHANGE GYMS!
Doing this will reassure your finance that he is the most important man in your life. It will not escalate his insecurity - the people who think this are idiots, really. Your willingness to reassure your man and let him know that you take his feelings seriously will help him to have more confidence and belief in your commitment to him, not the other way around.
HEY! Are you going to take the advice of someone who has been married for nearly 20 years or someone with no life experience? Either you want a marriage built on EARNED TRUST or you want to have the "right" to flirt.
Your choice. But if you don't take your fiance seriously I hope he sees the red flags and calls off the marriage. He deserves someone who respects and is considerate of him.0 -
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Accusations can often come because of something a partner is getting away with, or has done. In other words, if he has done wrong it's perfectly sensible for him to assume you have and are. You need to sit down and talk, if his insecurities come from his own past behavior it might be a good time to reconsider your lifelong commitment.0
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Wow so this thread kind of exploded while I was gone0
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Ok. Hi all.
I normally don't post things that are this serious or personal but I don't really have anywhere else to bounce this around.
My partner accused me of cheating on him. With my trainer.
My trainer and I are friends and nothing more. We don't see each other outside of the gym and he is also (happily!) coupled. We share quite a few non fitness related hobbies and will often spend some time chatting about them in the gym.
Part of me wants to feel bad for my fiancé because if he honestly thinks I've cheated he must be hurting a lot.
But mostly I'm just really insulted and very angry that he doesn't believe that I respect the commitment I made by saying 'Yes' when he proposed.
Has anyone else had a similar experience/ can give a girl some advice?
I don't put out personal relationship infomration on the internet, but I will speak from some experience here:
Your personal trainer is someone you pay to help you.
Your fiance is your life partner.
One is hella more expendable than the other.
Relationships need trust and sometimes showing your partner they mean more to you than someone you pay to help you out is building that trust. And sometimes it's letting your partner have way too much control over your life. Only you know where this falls on the spectrum. If the tables were turned, if your partner was, oh let's say, taking guitar lessons from a hot chick and spending time with her and loving it and you were uncomfortable with that, what would you want him to do? get a new teacher? make you hang out with her? Just stop talking about her? Yell at you and call you jealous? Dump you???0 -
Wow so this thread kind of exploded while I was gone
You expected it to stay on track without you whipping it into shape?0 -
Accusations can often come because of something a partner is getting away with, or has done. In other words, if he has done wrong it's perfectly sensible for him to assume you have and are. You need to sit down and talk, if his insecurities come from his own past behavior it might be a good time to reconsider your lifelong commitment.
and sometimes people are insecure because they have been cheated on. I would NOT turn this into accusing him of something! Geez!0 -
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
DING DING DING!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!!!!!!
If this isnt the only time he's been insecure about the stability of your relationship then there is something else going on here. I understand you are engaged, but do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that is insecure about you, accusing you of cheating, complaining about what you wear and questioning any time you walk out the door, even if you are meeting a girl friend for coffee?
HUGE red flag, do NOT ignore it.
Get counseling and help him get past this or get out now. This may sound harsh but its reality.
COMPLETELY AGREE.... RED FLAG!!!0 -
To address some of the things mentioned while I was gone
-I still don't agree with giving up my trainer. It's a matter if principle. I would never try to tell my partner who he could or could not spend his time with, unless that person was in some way dangerous or similar. I expect to be treated the same. I respect the opinions and advice of those who say otherwise, but do not agree
- whilst I think there is some validity to the believe that those who accuse you if cheating are cheaters themselves, I am 100% sure that is not the case here
- there was some rumbling about me maybe sharing thought with my trainer about my fiancé/ having an emotional relationship with him.
Our conversations tend to be more in the vein of 'Who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman?' (It's Batman, by the way)
- I believe that genuinely platonic friendships between men and women are possible, if rare. For example, a good friend of my 19 year old brother is a 50 year old woman. Do you think that there is attraction there?
- Lastly thank you to everyone who offered advice and kind words. It is deeply appreciated0 -
- I believe that genuinely platonic friendships between men and women are possible, if rare. For example, a good friend of my 19 year old brother is a 50 year old woman. Do you think that there is attraction there?
HELL YES!!0 -
Ha!0
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Probably need to determine if this is the guy for you. Normally not the type to offer advice in this arena. Speaking as a married man of 10 years, If either I or my wife felt any insecurities during our dating/engagement stage, it was likely a prelude to potential problems down the road.
That said, you gotta do what's best for you. Good trainer or not, if this other guy is creating a situation between you and your man, then you have to decide what is more important to maintain and what is more important to let go. On the flipside, if your man is showing signs of being insecure, you'll probably looking forward to a lifetime of headaches whenever you come and go.
Food for thought.0 -
-I still don't agree with giving up my trainer. It's a matter if principle. I would never try to tell my partner who he could or could not spend his time with, unless that person was in some way dangerous or similar. I expect to be treated the same. I respect the opinions and advice of those who say otherwise, but do not agree
I agree. You shouldn't have to give up anyone or anything, especially things or people who were a part of your life before he was. In most cases, your friends will be your friends forever and through everything. This guy, sadly, might not; I'd hate to see you push away all of your friends to make him happy, and then have him find something else to accuse you of. You could easily give up the trainer to prove to your fiance that there's nothing going on, but he could make the same accusation and expect the same response with everyone he doesn't want you to spend time with. I wasn't sure where you stood on this when I wrote my post, but I think what you said is very wise. It's not fair to either of you to be denied contact with the outside world - and he's screwing himself, honestly, because he's upset you, and because he's trying to take away one of the outlets you have for BEING YOU. Point out to him (if you haven't already) that you wouldn't - and presumably don't - treat him this way when he talks to other women or goes out with his friends, or wears certain outfits or cologne or whatever. Sorry you're going through all that.0
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