Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

JoshuaL86

If you really love him, do not see and/or work with your trainer anymore.
It is not nice if you are ever in his shoes...

It is not worth it when you make your intimate other upset...

There is only one fiance...but thousands of good trainers around...

Being married myself, I would never work with a female personal trainer. I would never cheat on my wife, but I'm not dumb enough to put myself in a situation where I could, thinking I'm strong enough not to. I would always opt for a male trainer.

BrieLP

Ok. Hi all.

I normally don't post things that are this serious or personal but I don't really have anywhere else to bounce this around.

My partner accused me of cheating on him. With my trainer.

My trainer and I are friends and nothing more. We don't see each other outside of the gym and he is also (happily!) coupled. We share quite a few non fitness related hobbies and will often spend some time chatting about them in the gym.

Part of me wants to feel bad for my fiancé because if he honestly thinks I've cheated he must be hurting a lot.

But mostly I'm just really insulted and very angry that he doesn't believe that I respect the commitment I made by saying 'Yes' when he proposed.

Has anyone else had a similar experience/ can give a girl some advice?

Part of me wants to say, "It's his insecurities and he needs reassurance."
the other part says, "what's next, will he control what you wear, who you can see, etc"

Yes, I know, I watch to much TV and read to many books lol

sreed016

Don't dump him - you obviously have a connection since you are engaged.

He is probably just feeling insecure since you are working out, taking care of yourself, looking and feeling good.

I am not sure what the answer is - maybe counseling or maybe have him meet your trainer so he feels more comfortable about it.

Good luck!

barbaramitchell101

Not saying this is the case, but something to think about:

A lot of times when someone acts jealous or accuses cheating, they are deflecting, because they themselves have feelings toward someone else, or have cheated. The psychology behind it is "if she is too then I don't feel so bad".

this happened to me.....when I was married all 3 times...they ALL CHEATED and were controlling as for you...and before things ended they ALL were abusive...so be careful...I does not get better....

nack_23

For whatever reason, he's feeling insecure. Does he go to the gym with you?

sunsnstatheart

My trainer treats my fiancé pretty normally. He's friendly enough to him etc. F has been fairly standoffish toward him though so he kind if keeps his distance. I can't recall trainer ever saying inappropriate to him, so if something has happened there I didn't witness it and it has been mentioned

Okay, I have nothing else. A recent poster mentioned he may have been cheated on before and that could be the case, I guess, but it wasn't you so that shouldn't be held against you. Sit down and talk to him and see what's going on (when you're both calm) but he may just be acting like a jerk. It happens.

lydia_the_tattooed_lady

just break up

Dave198lbs

. I heard some where that if they are accusing then they could be cheating.

Well, that's it folks. It's a wrap.

Someone heard some where that if they accuse then they are cheaters. MUST BE TRUE if you head it "some where".

SHOOT THE *kitten*!

sally_jeffswife

My husband when we first got married had to call me all the time for any little thing cuz his ex had cheated on him so many times before that it was difficult for him worrying if I went places out and about on my own. But he knows he can trust me now and I would say to just make it a point to call him when you're out like every half hr or so just for his peace of mind and maybe he will come around. Or try to convince him to come work out with you. Then he may realize he is being wrong in accusing you and will be more supportive of what you are doing fitness wise also.

Glovesave3373

Counseling at a minimum,.

Sounds like you are level headed enough to not let it lead to a very controlled relationship where his insecurities lead to you losing freedom to have your own life.....which is unacceptable.

Unfortunately , some who accuse are doing so out of their own guilt...counseling is definitely needed to get to the bottom of it now, and also define what you both agree to as acceptable friendships outside the marriage etc, once you take that step.

Make sure you are on the same page...

I agree... in my 39 years and many releationships I've found it hard to have female friends and when the person I was with started accusing me of doing wrong I've either found out or later found out they themselves were guilty of something they were projecting onto me and accusing me of wrong doing was easier than face their guilt. I'm not saying they all cheated, but maybe they were guilty of something else like spending (one instance) when we didn't have the funds. Maybe the pressure of the wedding is mounting and financially a heavy burden... I don't know, but I agree you should talk it out or seek counseling before you take that HUGE step of Marriage. I never wanted to get divorced... and now... finally I've found the women of my dreams after 3 tries... be honest to yourself and him and it will work out. That was a little fitness play on words.

jennifer_a00

Are you prepared to live the rest of your life this way? If he's already trying these controlling types of things and he's only your fiance, then it will only get worse later after you are married. Don't think it won't. People who are controlling do things like this, with the unfounded accusations, etc.

BeeElMarvin

Are you sure he is not cheating on you. I heard some where that if they are accusing then they could be cheating.

Must have been on the internet! It must be true.

KimLovesDon

It could be that he sees you getting fit, he knows that he wants you, He's a man, therefore all men want you. He probably thinks that if you see a better prospect come along you'll go for it. This would be especially true if it happened in the past (his past, I mean) . The best thing to do would be to let him know that he is the only one for you and that you are there for him. I had a similar thing happen when my hubby and I first married. His first wife cheated on him. I stuck it out and we've been married 26 years. I couldn't love him more!

Still_Fluffy

How would you feel if he had a female friend that was attractive, in shape that he spent a lot of time with? He has a right to be concerned, but I don't know if he should be throwing out accusations. He should have told you his concerns and talked it over with you. Remember cheating in not just about sex. If you are sharing personal thoughts or feelings with your trainer, that you are not sharing with your spouse that is cheating. I struggled with this concept when I got married as I had a lot of female friends. Now I don't have many. Not that my wife told me not to, but why would I want to spend time with other women when I have the woman I love at home that wants to spend time with? I would talk to him about how you feel and work on telling each other how you feel and not making accusations at each other. (he accused you of cheating, you accused him of not trusting you). Good luck.

RosscoBoscko

Just my opinion, but to me the bigger issue here is not that he has accused you of cheating with your trainer, but the things you have said about him trying to control what you wear etc.

To me that isn't right in a relationship, he should be with you for who you are, if who you are isn't right for him then the relationship isn't right for either of you, especially you, as it sounds to me like he is very controlling and untrusting, which to me isn't the basis for a relationship.

I know whoever said dump him sounded extreme, but you know there is nothing going on with your trainer, and this sounds to me like just another part of F trying to control you, you have to be free to live your life for yourself not someone else, fine they can be part of your life and you can make decisions together but not them telling you what to do.

Personally I think you should have a serious talk with him and lay all your cards on the table, tell him you have no intentions of cheating but he has to let you be you. Then make a decision on what his response is. Counselling may help but in many ways just an extended version of having the conversation yourself.

My0WNinspiration

He's most likely cheating on you so it tries to find fault in you to make himself feel better.

FitbeTMF

He sounds insecure. If it were me, I'd try finding a female trainer. I'm sure your guy is great, but it's better to avoid temptation (even if you are strong and have no attraction) You're still spending an unsurmountable time with a hot dude.

cwolfman13

I for one (and am sure I'm not the only one) recommend pre-marital counseling. My wife an I had many of these same issues, just reversed leading up to our marriage. I found out that 1.) yes, she did have some insecurities; but 2.) to an extent I was feeding them.

Mine wasn't a personal trainer issue, but I worked in a CPA firm which was made up of about 80% young, professional, smart and mostly beautiful women. The nature of my work required long hours at the office as well as business travel that would take me out of town for weeks at a time (only returning home on the weekends).

All of this indeed cause my wife's mind to turn to unsavory thoughts....is he really just "working late" again or does he just have one of those little hotties in his office? Is he really off on another business trip or is taking a little vacation with some little 23 year old starting professional?

These accusations really frustrated me, and I simply couldn't understand where she was coming from until we got into counseling. The first thing this did was open up a new line of communication. We both found out that we weren't really talking to each other, we were talking at each other and both of us were being dismissive of the other. Once this line of communication was opened I found out:

1.) part of the problem she was having was that when I would come home at night or after a trip I was so burnt out and tired that all I wanted to do was veg out. We weren't going out and doing fun things anymore and she felt as though I was dissengaged from the relationship. In reality, I was just tired and burnt...but I realized that I needed to balance my professional life and my personal life and give her the time and effort she deserved.

2.) It really bothered her when I would go on and on about one of my collegues or the other. She described it as drooling over these ladies. The reality was that a handfull of my collegues (that happened to be women) stimulated me intellectually. My wife has never had much interest in my going on and on about debits and credits and GAAP and GASB or any of the other nerdy accounting things I'm into. My collegues on the other hand were obviously in the same business and we could go on about some new accounting standard all day long and it was fun. It was ultimately determined that I should focus my conversations with my wife (then girlfriend) on things that involve us, we, and our lives and futures and not so much on how exciting it was to talk to "Sarah" this morning about the new SEC rules going into effect for the next calendar year.

3.) there was one particular woman I worked with that really made my wife think I was up to something. It's kind of interesting to look back at now because we are all good friends now and she and her husband come over to the house regularly for dinner. Not the case 9 years ago....she was one in particular that I would come home and say, "guess what she did today."...at which point my wife would roll her eyes and I'd get that, "probably gave you a BJ in your office" look. Reality was that she was my "nerd nemesis"...my accounting intellectual equal and we were both highly competitive and would go at it like were were in the nerd olympics or something. Things finally changed the first time I invited her and her husband over for dinner (he was actually having much the same concerns). As my wife and her husband watched us spar over the true intent of GASB 34 and SAS 99, all became clear to both of them...we were just a couple of dorks and we were the only ones who could stand each other's nerdy drivel and comprehend it.

At anyrate, counseling and open communication really does help and my wife and I are stronger than we would have ever been without it and enjoy an awesome relationship now that would have most likely otherwise been mired in mis-trust and false accusations.

brandi22479

Dump him.

An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.

...really?? Dump him? That's your answer? I hope she's smarter than that. Throwing people away after a mistake is NOT the answer here.

RosscoBoscko

If you are sharing personal thoughts or feelings with your trainer, that you are not sharing with your spouse that is cheating.

No it isn't. True you'd hope your partner would be your best friend but sometimes you need to talk to someone about things between you and your partner and in this case may turn to a friend (male or female) for advice. Thats not cheating even remotely. You may or may not tell your partner about it at a later date but it still isnt cheating.

I am lucky to have a number of very close female friends, and if i get in a relationship again, then it will be with someone who understands these friendships. I have nothing to hide. My ex knew of these friendships and was fine with them, and I was fine about the male friends she had. In fact we are very close friends and she is now in a relationship with someone else. Do you spend time hanging out with male friends away from your wife? if so why is it any different hanging out with female friends, unless you or they have intentions different to friendship.

The whole men and women can't be close friends concept is ridiculous and outdated.

Its purely and simply about trust to me. If there isn't trust in a relationship its pointless.