Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

1…89111314

Replies

  • iulia_maddie
    iulia_maddie Posts: 2,780 Member
    I think you are doing the right thing by standing your ground and not giving up your PT. If you do that to reasure your fiance, you create a precedent. What's going to happen when you have an attractive doctor, or coworker, or neighbour?
    PS: i think you're a class act for the way you handled some of the comments on here.
  • cricket_77
    cricket_77 Posts: 165 Member
    This is your fiance's problem, not yours. If you give in to every little fit he throws, then you are only rewarding his behavior. He is getting his way and will continue to throw fits and say things in order to get his way. State firmly that you are not having an affiar, do not intend to have an affair and let him know that he needs to get over his insecurity.
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
    Must say, judging from your profile photo, you do have that cheating look ^_^ maybe your trainer thinks so too

    I look noticeably more like a barrel full of monkeys' butts when I'm in the gym :)
  • RotterdamNL
    RotterdamNL Posts: 509 Member
    gheghe anywayz, dont trust the dude ;)
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
    I think you are doing the right thing by standing your ground and not giving up your PT. If you do that to reasure your fiance, you create a precedent. What's going to happen when you have an attractive doctor, or coworker, or neighbour?
    PS: i think you're a class act for the way you handled some of the comments on here.

    Thank you.
  • sedawk
    sedawk Posts: 2
    Well after reading most of the responses on here you might want to add self defense classes to your routine.
  • Doodlewhopper
    Doodlewhopper Posts: 1,018 Member
    Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.

    I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend

    Tell your guy that he is your number 1 priority. Explain that he is off base and his accusations hurt. Tell him that you will give him a day or two to think about it, and if he still feels the same, that you will find another trainer - explain that it is a big sacrifice & you resent having to do it & it's gonna take a while for you to get over it.

    Also explain this is a one time thing; If he ever comes up with this kinda crap again it's over. He cant expect you to live with him without giving you his trust. I would also postpone the marriage until you have a better vibe, his insecurity can get worse.

    By making the offer to drop the trainer you are #1 reassuring him, #2 proving that the trainer is not that big a part of your life, & #3 giving your guy control over this situation, and that might be all he really needs - and he just might change his mind after you so willingly make this offer. (I would feel like a total jerk)

    A good marriage takes time & a stable foundation to help weather the many storms of a lifetime; if both partners dont have enough maturity, trust & a willingness to contribute, it's not gonna work. Be aware.
  • Starfish1125
    Starfish1125 Posts: 169 Member
    This is your fiance's problem, not yours. If you give in to every little fit he throws, then you are only rewarding his behavior. He is getting his way and will continue to throw fits and say things in order to get his way. State firmly that you are not having an affiar, do not intend to have an affair and let him know that he needs to get over his insecurity.

    This x 10,000

    Do not give up your trainer.

    Your fiance clearly has insecurities that you have no fault in. He is controlling and possessive.

    Please do NOT marry this man without lots and lots of counseling for both of you together and each of you individually.
  • melissandra
    melissandra Posts: 49 Member
    Its not about YOU, but instead something going on with him whether insecure or trust issues. All you can do is live with love and integrity in your heart, reassure him that you have remained loyal and faithful.. Its up to him to press forward and decide to trust you. =)
  • Erikalynne18
    Erikalynne18 Posts: 558 Member
    My guess is that he is feeling insecure. I wouldn't go so far as to say "dump him" because honestly it seems as though you really care for him and once you find that guy you want to spend your life with... well don't let little bumps in the road ruin a relationship! That being said, I would advise you to sit down and talk openly with him, find out why he is feeling insecure. Is it the trainer? Does he feel insecure about his own body? Or is it maybe the way others look at you since you have started at the gym?

    When I was a teenager I lost alot of weight one summer at camp and got extremely fit. Suddenly guys started noticing me and my long term boyfriend got extremely jealous and as a result I gained all the weight back (bad decision but I was young).

    So from someone with a "can be jealous" boyfriend currently, I would advise you to talk openly with him. My bf admitted in the beginning that he can be the jealous type sometimes (because of past relationships) but I just made sure to tell him if I was hanging out with a guy and would reassure him that he was my only man :) I have male friends, heck I have ex boyfriends who I even hang out with! lol. So yeah, the "jealous type" can be tamed :)

    Best of luck hun!!!
  • rm7161
    rm7161 Posts: 505


    Ha! If I'm the IDIOT, then why am I the one that hasn't been in an abusive relationship? Any person with two brain cells can tell the difference between a person who is rightfully cautious about their SO's other relationships passing into the 'affair' territory and someone who is abusive. It's easy enough to call someone names when you're hiding behind a keyboard, isn't it?

    your term, not mine. You called us idiots, remember? Uncomfortable looking in that mirror I guess.

    By the way, men are not the only ones who have this behavior. I've seen it in women too. The situation is more than the trainer, and it needs counselling. It won't change if she changes trainers to a woman, trust me on that. It will simply slide to some guy at the gym who may see her exercising and hit on her. How far do you let it go? You are making excuses for jealous behavior. If it was just the trainer, you'd have a point. Point is, its not just the trainer, so why should it stop?


    This woman has added information during the thread to JUSTIFY her wanting to keep her relationship with her trainer, not with her fiance. Her original post has to do with her fiance's reaction to her relationship with her trainer. If the other behaviors were so bad in the first place she should have included the information in the OP.

    Wow, just wow. She hasn't said anything about leaving her fiance, just about seeking counselling. Why is that bad? If you think she should not seek counselling for her relationship, I disagree with you. I think its the best chance they have at saving their relationship in a way that it doesn't slide into hell down the road.
    She should do them both a favor and break it off with her fiance if it's too hard to consider changing gyms. Otherwise she is likely to slide into a relationship with her trainer and break up his relationship too!

    So now you think she should break it off too, laughs. How far do you go before you realise that there is nothing you can do for someone who is insecure, only your partner can fix that in himself and counselling is his best chance at help.

    Not everyone is your ex-whomever that you had such a bad time with.

    You're a real peach.
  • cubizzle
    cubizzle Posts: 900 Member

    It boils down to who is more important to you: your fiancee or your trainer.

    GIVE UP THE F#CKING TRAINER! CHANGE GYMS!

    Doing this will reassure your finance that he is the most important man in your life. It will not escalate his insecurity - the people who think this are idiots, really.

    I take it you're the idiot who hasn't been in an abusive relationship. I have, and she is describing a situation that goes further than just the trainer, it extends to what she is wearing when the two of them are out together, when men look at her when she goes out, etc. So this idiot has some experience with it, experience with someone who regularly kicked the **** out of me emotionally in this way, threatened my life after I left him, and the statistics of women who are beaten and eventually killed by men like this are sobering.

    Ha! If I'm the IDIOT, then why am I the one that hasn't been in an abusive relationship? Any person with two brain cells can tell the difference between a person who is rightfully cautious about their SO's other relationships passing into the 'affair' territory and someone who is abusive. It's easy enough to call someone names when you're hiding behind a keyboard, isn't it?

    This woman has added information during the thread to JUSTIFY her wanting to keep her relationship with her trainer, not with her fiance. Her original post has to do with her fiance's reaction to her relationship with her trainer. If the other behaviors were so bad in the first place she should have included the information in the OP.

    She should do them both a favor and break it off with her fiance if it's too hard to consider changing gyms. Otherwise she is likely to slide into a relationship with her trainer and break up his relationship too!

    People ~ who is more important in your life, someone who you are thinking of spending your life with or some casual 'hired friend', which is all a personal trainer really is?

    SHEESH! You can give people good advice, but they'll still make bad choices.

    Not everyone is your ex-whomever that you had such a bad time with.

    Regardless of your opinion on wether I should keep my trainer I actually find it quite offensive that you imply I would pursue a relationship with someone who has a girlfriend. For the record I am not that sort of person.

    there are many different types of relationships and the fact that you're here asking the question implies a relationship.
  • arains89
    arains89 Posts: 442 Member
    I din't read all of these responses but I would be uncomfortable with my fiance spending a great deal of time with someone of the opposite sex without me as well. It is hasty that he would accuse you of cheating outright but I do think that there are certain boundaries that must be respected in a relationship. Maybe you guys need to talk about these boudaries and what you expect from one another. If my boyfriend were to have a personal trainer, he would have to be a male and I would definately find a female. Just my opinion.
  • Briko3
    Briko3 Posts: 266 Member
    Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.

    I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend

    I'd be more worried about him being controlling. That being said, he's your future husband....dump the trainer.
  • plcowner
    plcowner Posts: 106 Member
    My 2 cents....

    First: tell him again that you have not cheated and will not cheat and that you want to get married (assuming you still feel this way)

    Second: he has the choice to trust you or not trust you.

    If he chooses to trust you - great. Be aware that he will probably "fall off the wagon again" during your journey together. This is where YOU have the choice to stay in the relationship and work through the problems or to move on. Either way, it won't be easy because, in general, and in situations like this, there are underlying issues that need to be addressed.

    Your relationship and your feelings for him (and his for you) will eventually crumble if this pattern of behavior continues on his part.

    Counseling can help but both parties must want to work on and fix the problem(s).
  • KWNurse
    KWNurse Posts: 45 Member
    You should reconsider spending the rest of your life with someone that doesn't trust you or encourage you to have friends, male or female. Your partner should support your training and be comfortable with the idea of you having other interests in your life that may not include him. A marriage is about trust. You should talk to him.
  • RotterdamNL
    RotterdamNL Posts: 509 Member
    Yeah yeah you all so sure of your cases huh, ive seen a bunch of gyms and always observe my surroundings and pretty much all male trainer fooled around with the females, even the guys who were in relationships and looked really honost and trustworthy messed with girls.

    Just tell your coach your not interested in friendly contact besides doing his job in the gym, don't listen too the male turts here because already i saw a couple comments that showed how sneaky most men are. Now what's the big deal to tell your coach that? Who is more important, if i would have been with my soulmate i would break any contact with anyone if it would trouble her but i wouldt do that for just someone ofcourse ;)
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
    Yeah yeah you all so sure of your cases huh, ive seen a bunch of gyms and always observe my surroundings and pretty much all male trainer fooled around with the females, even the guys who were in relationships and looked really honost and trustworthy messed with girls.

    Just tell your coach your not interested in friendly contact besides doing his job in the gym, don't listen too the male turts here because already i saw a couple comments that showed how sneaky most men are. Now what's the big deal to tell your coach that? Who is more important, if i wouldt have been with my soulmate i would break any contact with anyone if it would trouble her but i wouldt do that for just someone ofcourse ;)

    Because, from my point of view the decision doesn't look like this

    Keep trainer/get rid of trainer

    It looks like this

    Keep right to make own choices/ forgo right to make own choices
  • Jerrypeoples
    Jerrypeoples Posts: 1,541 Member
    as an aside, is it really an abusive relationship if you only do it to drive home a point?
  • Matt_1972
    Matt_1972 Posts: 56 Member
    I don't understand under what circumstances this person qualifies as a friend?

    Admittedly I only read a few pages before I wanted to drink something to dull the pain but you said that he isn't even your trainer. He is some guy who works at your gym who adjusts your program sporadically. So what's that once a month once every 6 weeks? If I was in my early 20's and had a fiance who was hanging out at a gym to discuss "shared outside interests" with some guy she only really has the need to be around for 30 minutes every 6 weeks I would also wonder what is going on.

    I will postface this by saying it is incredibly slow at work today otherwise I wouldn't have taken the time to respond.
  • RonnieLodge
    RonnieLodge Posts: 665 Member
    Ok. Hi all.

    I normally don't post things that are this serious or personal but I don't really have anywhere else to bounce this around.

    My partner accused me of cheating on him. With my trainer.

    Has anyone else had a similar experience/ can give a girl some advice?

    Aww, bless your poor partner - he sees you enjoying the gym buzz and being hot & sweaty and gets the wrong idea.

    I am surprised by the replies on here that people suggest you dump your trainer - that sets a weird precedent that surely you don't want to take into a lifelong relationship!

    When I got married I promised myself and my husband my attitude towards him spending time with other women (he does art and a lot of the time his models are naked) wouldn't change - I don't have a problem with it because I trust him. I have posed for him too, he was a total professional and I have a good understanding of how modelling can make women feel really good about themselves.

    For me to insist it stopped because I was feeling jealous or insecure would be really petty.

    Perhaps it is possible for you and your partner to have a training session (or 5) together with your trainer so he can see for himself that there isn't anything going on?

    Better yet, tell your partner ALL the sessions from now on he can attend as well and see how long it is before he gets bored and leaves you to it? ;)
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
    I don't understand under what circumstances this person qualifies as a friend?

    Admittedly I only read a few pages before I wanted to drink something to dull the pain but you said that he isn't even your trainer. He is some guy who works at your gym who adjusts your program sporadically. So what's that once a month once every 6 weeks? If I was in my early 20's and had a fiance who was hanging out at a gym to discuss "shared outside interests" with some guy she only really has the need to be around for 30 minutes every 6 weeks I would also wonder what is going on.

    I will postface this by saying it is incredibly slow at work today otherwise I wouldn't have taken the time to respond.

    I go to the gym to lift. I don't see why it would be an issue to have a conversation with a friend whilst I'm there.
  • _reno_
    _reno_ Posts: 87 Member
    Well I am glad we were able to settle this for you.

    It only took 300 posts
  • RotterdamNL
    RotterdamNL Posts: 509 Member
    Well that is really black and white dude, how about something in the middle ey :)

    I also agree with Matt
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
    Well I am glad we were able to settle this for you.

    It only took 300 posts

    The Internet solves every problem don't cha know
  • _DaniD_
    _DaniD_ Posts: 2,186 Member
    In all seriousness though, usually the cheater is the one to accuse.
  • Italiano7
    Italiano7 Posts: 382 Member
    Sit down and have a talk with him. He may be feeling insecure. (we all do at times). Insure him that you are not cheating. maybe encourage him to work out with you so he can see what is really going on at the gym instead of imagining . I use to have alot of insecurity issues-trust me if you sit down and talk to him-it will make a difference. I know from experience. Good luck!
  • tsherm3850
    tsherm3850 Posts: 353 Member
    Trying to quote the OP....insecurities about commitments, what you wear, who your friends are not to be ignored. I'm sorry to say....but he would get dumped!
  • Matt_1972
    Matt_1972 Posts: 56 Member
    I don't understand under what circumstances this person qualifies as a friend?

    Admittedly I only read a few pages before I wanted to drink something to dull the pain but you said that he isn't even your trainer. He is some guy who works at your gym who adjusts your program sporadically. So what's that once a month once every 6 weeks? If I was in my early 20's and had a fiance who was hanging out at a gym to discuss "shared outside interests" with some guy she only really has the need to be around for 30 minutes every 6 weeks I would also wonder what is going on.

    I will postface this by saying it is incredibly slow at work today otherwise I wouldn't have taken the time to respond.

    I go to the gym to lift. I don't see why it would be an issue to have a conversation with a friend whilst I'm there.

    Like I said how does he even qualify as a friend? He isn't your trainer, he is the guy at the gym who walks around the machines, weights wearing a lanyard or two and saying "Nice form" and you don't see him outside of the gym so your definition of friend must be different to mine. Maybe that is what is concerning your partner.

    Do you refer to the guy/girl at your local 7/11 as your friend? The guy who makes your coffee every morning on the way to work?
  • moehenkels
    moehenkels Posts: 8 Member
    Guys are so lame. Re evaluate your relationship, and talk about those insecurities he has. Try your hardest not to feel insulted by it. Feel empathy for him and he should come around. Also remind him it's a compliment that guys look at you!

Categories