Fiancé accused me of cheating :/
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He sounds like he is controlling and manipulative, not to mention insecure.
I have had some personal experience. It isn't worth it, imo. OP, only you know what it is really like with this guy but from the sound of it, it doesn't sound promising. My advice is to re-evaluate the relationship.0 -
From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.
I respectfully disagree -- I have had long-term friendships with several men -- I just reconnected with three guys I worked closely with 30 years ago -- all three were adorable, smart, cute, and really nice guys. I had a bit of a crush on one, but all three had girlfriends (now their wives) -- I respected that and never looked back. Those three are still some of the best buddies I ever had.0 -
Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.
Good luck!
x
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
Counselling is definitely the most sensible idea. "DUMP HIM" is just a hasty, immature response.. these issues CAN be resolved
You obviously care about this guy's feelings, and like him well enough to accept a proposal to spend the rest of your lives together; I know you don't want to break up, which is why you need to have a really deep and serious conversation before you set a wedding date about whether or not you can work around/through his jealousy, and what you can do to make it easier for both of you. Talk to each other; figure out what YOU can do within reason not to make him jealous, what HE can do to be more trusting and rational, and how you're BOTH going to handle this when the issue comes up again, because I have never seen a jealous person be completely "cured." If you are comfortable with counseling and can afford it, it might be a good idea; normally I don't say that because I DON'T care for shrinks and I think most of what they can do can be done at home - but this time I think having a neutral person with experience discussing this could really help steer your conversations and "plan of action" in the right direction.
Until you get things figured out, stay strong; if you have a family member or a best friend you can talk to or who can take your mind off of things, try that until your fiance calms down. Do not change your personality, your style, or your friends. He has no right to control how you dress. He cannot ask you not to laugh at another man's joke, or not to talk to male coworkers. Don't give up your friends; they are a part of you. If he's the kind of guy who would make these kinds of unreasonable demands, OR if he punishes you verbally (calls you names or threatens you for going out or dressing a certain way) or emotionally (gives you the silent treatment if you acknowledge another guy), then staying together probably won't work out, but could be done. Short of being together 24/7 and avoiding all other men, that kind of jealousy is usually very hard to overcome, but if you have the patience, and he's willing to change, you may be able to work toward a more trusting and fair relationship. You just have to figure out how to get to that point - and his decision to accuse you of cheating gives you one more hurdle to jump. (I get the feeling he is not physically abusive toward you, but if he is, consider the relationship dangerous/not worth it.)
The last thing is, it's true that some people get jealous because they're cheating or have cheated (on their current partner, or before). From what I've seen and read, there are two possible reasons for this: (1) If you're busy defending yourself against his claims and trying to pull the relationship back together, it keeps the focus off of his funny business. (2) On the opposite end of the spectrum, people who cheat or have cheated sometimes become very afraid that the same thing will happen to them; in that case, their partner is usually always under suspicion of some variety of fooling around because, if you always think your partner is cheating, then you won't be surprised "WHEN" it happens.
Sorry about the long post. I'm a little familiar with jealousy. I really hope you guys can find a way to work things out and have a happy relationship. Good luck with everything.0 -
I like what this guy says. A lot. It rings true and sheds the light on some things you may not be considering. The only thing I would correct is you are not spending time with a "friend" it's a trainer, business relationship plain and simple...easily replaced. The oh men and women can be friends kick is distracting at best a lie at worst.How would you feel if he had a female friend that was attractive, in shape that he spent a lot of time with? He has a right to be concerned, but I don't know if he should be throwing out accusations. He should have told you his concerns and talked it over with you. Remember cheating in not just about sex. If you are sharing personal thoughts or feelings with your trainer, that you are not sharing with your spouse that is cheating. I struggled with this concept when I got married as I had a lot of female friends. Now I don't have many. Not that my wife told me not to, but why would I want to spend time with other women when I have the woman I love at home that wants to spend time with? I would talk to him about how you feel and work on telling each other how you feel and not making accusations at each other. (he accused you of cheating, you accused him of not trusting you). Good luck.0 -
If you have a female friend who you would never ever get something going with if given the opportunity and yet you feel the desire to spend time with nonetheless, and you are not gay, then more power to you.
The fact that you even throw that into the equation shows where the problem lies. They are my FRIENDS, I don't spend all my time thinking about sleeping with them or considering whether I would given the opportunity because they are my FRIENDS, I don't think like that about my male FRIENDS so why would I about my female FRIENDS. and for the record I'm straight but I can distinguish between friendship and other types of relationship, which clearly some people can not.0 -
You may respect that, but not everyone does, and therein lies the root of his concerns (IMO).From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.
I respectfully disagree -- I have had long-term friendships with several men -- I just reconnected with three guys I worked closely with 30 years ago -- all three were adorable, smart, cute, and really nice guys. I had a bit of a crush on one, but all three had girlfriends (now their wives) -- I respected that and never looked back. Those three are still some of the best buddies I ever had.
Edit; quote fail0 -
My hubby and I joke all the time about my cute hottie trainer. At Christmas there was a gift under the tree signed Love from ''"'''' as a joke -- obviously it was my hubby who put it there for fun. He pretends to be jealous sometimes and we really have fun with it. he knows I'm not stupid enough to have a fling, even if hottie was interested. I'd be out of there so fast in order to keep my integrity and avoid slipping up ...... maybe your future HB needs to know that's what you'd do too.0
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Yes you're right, at least the guy friends I have had, could not make this distinction. BTW apologies, I did not mean to imply that you might be gay. However in my experience the ONLY male friend I had who did not eventually put the moves on me was my gay male friend. As I said if a new breed of male is evolving that is capable of handling female friendships, More power to you, and I hope to encounter some one day. For the time being though this girl is dealing with a trainer, not a friend and she can get a new one to help her get to the bottom of whether or not her fiancé is a keeper or not.If you have a female friend who you would never ever get something going with if given the opportunity and yet you feel the desire to spend time with nonetheless, and you are not gay, then more power to you.
The fact that you even throw that into the equation shows where the problem lies. They are my FRIENDS, I don't spend all my time thinking about sleeping with them or considering whether I would given the opportunity because they are my FRIENDS, I don't think like that about my male FRIENDS so why would I about my female FRIENDS. and for the record I'm straight but I can distinguish between friendship and other types of relationship, which clearly some people can not.0 -
From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.
I respectfully disagree -- I have had long-term friendships with several men -- I just reconnected with three guys I worked closely with 30 years ago -- all three were adorable, smart, cute, and really nice guys. I had a bit of a crush on one, but all three had girlfriends (now their wives) -- I respected that and never looked back. Those three are still some of the best buddies I ever had.
^That, right there. I'm a straight female and I have quite a few male friends and coworkers. I'm fooling around with NONE of them. NONE. They are all very lovely human beings with great senses of humor, a few of them are attractive, and several of them are married. I have a lot of respect for them though, and think of them as nothing more or less than friends, and I like it that way. To say that there is only one kind of relationship men and women can have, or that one half of EVERY male-female relationship is secretly into the other one, is really, in this gal's opinion, ignorant.0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person.
I've had tons of male friends, and always thought about, and occasionally acted upon, sleeping with each of them. Never have I had a male friend I didn't at least wonder what it would be like.
But I'm a perv...not all women are the same.
Robin...I don't feel that you are a perv. You are just being honest where a lot of people are not.
I find that offensive. First, I do not subscribe to the idea that all people have to view members of the opposite sex (or whatever sex they are normally attracted to) as potential sexual partners. This is an idea that many believe because it has been repeated over and over again by pop psychologists and because it fits with their world view. It doesn't have good scientific support. Second, you suggest that those who don't agree with your are not being honest. That's a serious over-generalization. Robin actually put it appropriately - "Not all people are the same." I don't think she's a perv, or you are, I just think that people differ -- and the original poster obviously doesn't view all men as potential bed partners. Nor do I. If her partner doesn't understand that and trust her, they do need help.0 -
Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.
Good luck!
x
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
I'm actually in school for professional counseling. If this becomes a problem that can't be fixed and it's really hindering the relationship go in for a tune up. It will make your communication much better and add more trust. It will strengthen your relationship greatly if you feel you need some. I think it's a great idea for the two of them to meet. It takes away the mystery or this other guy, and maybe he should try training with him too if he likes that sort of thing. You are allowed to have male friends but once you're married, there are a LOT more boundaries to these male friendships, as there should be. Usually those male friendships are mutual friends of your husband or atleast the husband has met him on several occasions.0 -
No male "friend" of mine wasn't waiting for the chance to take things further. Just speaking from my own experience. If you have a female friend who you would never ever get something going with if given the opportunity and yet you feel the desire to spend time with nonetheless, and you are not gay, then more power to you. Unfortunately that has not been my experience, I am just being honest for this girls sake because she may be encouraging the fiancés insecurities with behavior she hasn't yet learned is detrimental to his trust, and her safety.The idea that men and women can be "just friends" is silly and immature.
No the idea they cant is silly and immature. Just because two people have different physiological parts does not preclude them from friendship. Utterly ridiculous statement.
Totally agree.0 -
What does your heart tell you? If you know nothing's going on, then tell him that. If he's that insecure-dump him. Trust me-these red flag behaviors become worse over time, and you won't or don't want to "fix them" in 5 years (or in my case 30) down the road. A little advice I wish I'd been told.0
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Except the fact it is the driving foce behind the actions of every mammal species.I find that offensive. First, I do not subscribe to the idea that all people have to view members of the opposite sex (or whatever sex they are normally attracted to) as potential sexual partners. This is an idea that many believe because it has been repeated over and over again by pop psychologists and because it fits with their world view. It doesn't have good scientific support. Second, you suggest that those who don't agree with your are not being honest. That's a serious over-generalization. Robin actually put it appropriately - "Not all people are the same." I don't think she's a perv, or you are, I just think that people differ -- and the original poster obviously doesn't view all men as potential bed partners. Nor do I. If her partner doesn't understand that and trust her, they do need help.0 -
You are allowed to have male friends but once you're married, there are a LOT more boundaries to these male friendships, as there should be. Usually those male friendships are mutual friends of your husband or atleast the husband has met him on several occasions.
Why? They are friends, if they are just friends why do those boundaries have to change. Yeah you might naturally see them less but not through conscious decision that things had to change, just through time being consumed building a home and starting a family etc. If you change things as soon as someone puts a ring on your finger then that's wrong. You should already have established who both of you are and how the relationship is going to work and who all of your friends are well before you even consider getting married, not changing things after.0 -
At some point, you might want to ask him if he truly believes you are having an affair, or if he was just spouting off.
(Guys will do that when they feel like they are losing an argument - pull everything out of the gunnysack and spill it on the floor.)
These types of fights are horrid, but they're all part of marriage.
One of my friends said you spend the first year, at least, learning how to fight with each other.
Most marital (and pre-marital) fights are not the end of the world, but you do have to figure out how to get through them, with love.
That, I would say, is the most difficult part of the new relationship.
Understand, too, that marriage will change the nature of all your friendships with guys. It has to, as they have to move down one or more notches to make room for your hubby to be now being #1.
So you, and everyone in your life, will be adjusting, and so will your hubby and everyone in his life.
Knowing all this, I think, might help you get some perspective on the situation0 -
Understand, too, that marriage will change the nature of all your friendships with guys. It has to, as they have to move down one or more notches to make room for your hubby to be now being #1.
So you, and everyone in your life, will be adjusting, and so will your hubby and everyone in his life.
Knowing all this, I think, might help you get some perspective on the situation
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
He should already have been #1 long before you get married, but that doesn't mean your friendships have to change because they are totally different things. Why does loving someone change your friendships whether they are with men or women.0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person. And this is also why I don't develope friendships or spend too much time with a man other than my husband.
I once brought this up to my close guy friend a few years ago, saying its crazy how people think a male/female cant be friends without one person feeling more. I said to him "look at us! we're friends and we dont want to sleep together" to which he replied "who said i dont want to sleep with you???" Wake up call LOL. We never did sleep together and still remain friends but it was such an unexpected response from him!0 -
Just go ahead and do the trainer.....tell bf you never once thought of it untilWhat does your heart tell you? If you know nothing's going on, then tell him that. If he's that insecure-dump him. Trust me-these red flag behaviors become worse over time, and you won't or don't want to "fix them" in 5 years (or in my case 30) down the road. A little advice I wish I'd been told.
HE PUT THE NOTION IN YOUR HEAD :smokin:0
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