Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

FitbeTMF

He sounds insecure. If it were me, I'd try finding a female trainer. I'm sure your guy is great, but it's better to avoid temptation (even if you are strong and have no attraction) You're still spending an unsurmountable time with a hot dude.

jaymek92

Obviously, your fiancé is cheating on you with your trainer.

yep, this!

and for all of you saying men and women can't be friends without having the burning passion to do dirty things to one another, calm down. it is possible to have platonic relationships with anybody, be they male, female, agendered, or anything in between. one person having a penis and the other having a vagina doesn't guarantee sexual attraction. otherwise, non-heterosexual people wouldn't exist.
personally, one of my best friends from high school was a guy. i was friends with him for about 8 years, and we were pretty close. at one point, my boyfriend, who had been cheated on by his ex, got worried that i had feelings for my friend more than i had feelings for him. i assured my boyfriend that the only person i had feelings for was him, and all was right. my boyfriend has a couple friends that are girls, and i know two of them have very strong feelings for him. i'm not really a huge fan of either of them because of this, but my boyfriend told me that he doesn't have any feelings for either of them, and i trust him on that.
op, if your fiancé can't trust you, even after you've told him there's nothing going on, something's wrong. you definitely need to talk to him or see a counselor, at the very least.

emily356

This!!! I watched it! Hahahahaha!! I think that is actually a really good viewpoint. Doesn't mean they "can't" be friends, but most guys, given the opportunity, would hook up with a woman they were friends with.

Men and women have very different views on this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

Still_Fluffy

If you are sharing personal thoughts or feelings with your trainer, that you are not sharing with your spouse that is cheating.

No it isn't. True you'd hope your partner would be your best friend but sometimes you need to talk to someone about things between you and your partner and in this case may turn to a friend (male or female) for advice. Thats not cheating even remotely. You may or may not tell your partner about it at a later date but it still isnt cheating.

I am lucky to have a number of very close female friends, and if i get in a relationship again, then it will be with someone who understands these friendships. I have nothing to hide. My ex knew of these friendships and was fine with them, and I was fine about the male friends she had. In fact we are very close friends and she is now in a relationship with someone else. Do you spend time hanging out with male friends away from your wife? if so why is it any different hanging out with female friends, unless you or they have intentions different to friendship.

The whole men and women can't be close friends concept is ridiculous and outdated.

As you are no longer in a relationship how did it work for you? When you're married you respect your spouse by talking to them not others about your issues. You can have friends of the oppisite sex but their need to be boundries that you and your spouse agree on.

RosscoBoscko

This!!! I watched it! Hahahahaha!! I think that is actually a really good viewpoint. Doesn't mean they "can't" be friends, but most guys, given the opportunity, would hook up with a woman they were friends with.

Men and women have very different views on this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

Most is totally wrong, more like some, and the same applies to some women. Doesn't prove anything.

LauraW1219

Okay I don't know how old some of these people are but people really need to get a grip. She is looking for support and some of these people are full of it. First, how old have you been together? Bills, kids, floods, new roof for the house, health scares, and family all come into your married life. Maybe he needs to see you just as bouncy and happy coming in the door talking about him. NOT THE TRAINER! He is your fiance IT NEVER GETS BETTER!!!! Things just get harder and more complicated. If he is the person you love you will do anything to make them happy. Figure out whatever is. I don't want to add to the heartache, but most people that accuse other people of cheating are projecting their guilt. Hammer it out. Hopefully everything will work out for the best. It's hard to find a good trainer, but a person you say is the love of your life is worth giving up a trainer.

verdancyhime

Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends

This. Also, has he been pretty much hanging out and staying the same while you've been working out and making a ton of new changes in your life? This might make him feel insecure and left out. Talk to him about it and try to make some time to do more things together. A lot of couples have habits that revolve around eating together that get disrupted when one partner changes their eating, or you may be gone a lot more and spending less time with him. Maybe find something physical you guys can do together as a hobby or sport, or try having a date night or something.

Jerrypeoples

yea, get a female trainer, that wont put any thoughts in his head.......

RosscoBoscko

If you are sharing personal thoughts or feelings with your trainer, that you are not sharing with your spouse that is cheating.

No it isn't. True you'd hope your partner would be your best friend but sometimes you need to talk to someone about things between you and your partner and in this case may turn to a friend (male or female) for advice. Thats not cheating even remotely. You may or may not tell your partner about it at a later date but it still isnt cheating.

I am lucky to have a number of very close female friends, and if i get in a relationship again, then it will be with someone who understands these friendships. I have nothing to hide. My ex knew of these friendships and was fine with them, and I was fine about the male friends she had. In fact we are very close friends and she is now in a relationship with someone else. Do you spend time hanging out with male friends away from your wife? if so why is it any different hanging out with female friends, unless you or they have intentions different to friendship.

The whole men and women can't be close friends concept is ridiculous and outdated.

As you are no longer in a relationship how did it work for you? When you're married you respect your spouse by talking to them not others about your issues. You can have friends of the oppisite sex but their need to be boundries that you and your spouse agree on.

Thanks for deciding that was the reason that we split up and that as you are still married you are obviously better. It had nothing to do with either of us having friends of the opposite sex, it was just down to situations that I'm not going to go into, in fact I told my ex about more than I have ever told anyone, it just didn't work out.

If you read my other posts on this thread I said that you should be able to make decisions with a partner, but they should never make the decision for you. If you sacrifice friends solely to keep your partner happy, you will subconsciously or consciously hold this against them. If these friendships disappear naturally over time thats a totally different matter.

If I have a future relationship I will never tell my other half who she can or cannot be friends with, or expect her to drop friends just cos she is with me, that is totally disrespectful to who she is. I will trust her implicitly, and I hope she does the same with me.

And to the op, I hope that the two of you sort things out, and end up happily married, but it has to be on equal terms, you have to be happy with yourselves and each other, otherwise you won't be happy together.

tubbyelmo

Hang in there, you can work through this. I'm thinking about how I would feel if my OH thought I had cheated, it must have really hurt you and it's natural for that hurt to then become anger as you work through it in your mind.

I have a lot of male friends, and most of my OH's friends are happy to drop round for a coffee even if my OH is out. There was a male perspective added earlier that said there couldn't possibly be a friendship without there being something more, that's nonsense.

Why not go to the gym with your fiance? Maybe that would help. In the meantime, don't keep protesting your innocence, just spend plenty time with your fiance, pay him lots of attention, work through it together.

Dave198lbs

yea, get a female trainer, that wont put any thoughts in his head.......

this group would decide he would accuse her of a lesbian hook up and want to join them

orlandomichael

If he has been controlling in other instances with other men then it isnt the trainer. It is him. If the two of you are not sharing and talking enough with each other , you can seperate emotionally to the point where you are a roomate and he doesn't feel your love and asumes your interest is somewhere else. If that is the case and both of you can take good time and share more, that would go a long way.

if however, you are doing that then it is inside him and he needs help. perhaps he isnt handling his own life in such a way that he believes you could love someone like him. I think when people set goals for themselves, dump the negative self talk , the inward hate that causes depression etc, then the problem can solve itself.

MightyDomo

There is so much more to the situation than what meets the eye. Most are going to think the extremes in both directions but the fact is that there are unseen and unspoken reasons for his behaviour that may or may not have anything to do with you.

He may be insecure about you being 'improved' around other men because a woman in his past may have split from him when she had 'improved' herself and that could just be his motivation for feeling the way he does and the reason why he reacts that way.

Another thing is you may not realize that you have flirty personality and it makes him nervous because he doesn't know when you are flirting or being flirty but friendly.

Another possible reason is that he may be accusing you of what he is guilty of to bring the attention off himself and if he caught you doing something wrong then he wouldn't have to feel guilty.

Those are just a few reasons but there could be so many more things that you just might now know he is thinking or feeling. Taking the time to discuss how you feel and the wanting of understanding on boths sides he may open and discuss his reasons and see that you are completely invested in your relationship. So talk to him and see what happens

Jerrypeoples

yea, get a female trainer, that wont put any thoughts in his head.......

this group would decide he would accuse her of a lesbian hook up and want to join them

you are way to quick to generalize....bi would be ok

monjacq1964

Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.

that won't work. My partner once accused me of having a lesbian relationship with a close girlfriend. If he's insecure, he's insecure. Getting a female trainer just avoids the problem (for a little while), and doesn't address the core issues.
Counselling is what is needed here. And the BF needs to man up a bit.

Chigger56

When my ex accused me of cheating (which I wasn't), it was because HE was cheating on ME!!!

Jazzy1961

First I'm sorry that a man who's asked you to be his wife now suspects you of cheating. That would be a huge red flag for me. I agree with some of the others, seems he has some confidence issues. Perhaps you're starting to look so good that he feels he no longer measures up or is good enough for you? In either case, his accusation is something you need to address. You don't want him accusing you every time you speak to or interact with another man. That's not healthy for either of you, least of all you.

On the opposite side, is it possible he's cheating on you? Sometimes we feel guilty about our own behaviour and transfer it on to our significant other. Just a suggestion, and something I hope is not the case.

I would sit down and talk with him. You need to get this straightened out before you take that march down the aisle. Marriage can be tough enough without those kinds of issues to start with.

Much luck!

abbigail_r

It could be something related to his past that he hasnt quite had a chance to recover from. I know from my personal experience I dated some rotten rotten guys. And recently my husband was friends with a female coworker that I knew and liked. But I got an insane crazy insecure feelings when she was mentioned. I truly think looking back on it that I was scared of losing him the one person that never did anything but because of past experience and 4 dirty rotten cheaters I was insecure. Def dive deep into this with him and find out what the real problem is. The only thing bothering me here is when you said he gets concerned about things you wear and gets jealous about other guys. If that keeps up that could be a red flag of a controlling person. But yes counseling is a great place to start. I hope it all gets figured out.

ThriceBlessed

While I would disagree with the person who said to dump him, I also see this as a serious issue. If you are not hanging out with your trainer outside the gym and you are still getting these accusations, then it shows a serious lack of trust. Now, if you were regularly meeting with your trainer outside the gym, getting together for coffee or whatever, it would make a little more sense. I think the two of you need to talk and really examine this relationship and the level of trust he has.

Sharon_C

I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

When I read your first question, I was like, "Okay, he's jealous. They can work through it." But this^^ statement worries me far more than your first. This, to me, is setting up a pattern you don't want to be involved in. Marriage is not going to cure this or make him feel differently. It's just going to get worse.

Definitely you both need counseling and if his pattern of behavior doesn't change, you might have to consider that this relationship isn't for you. Don't get caught up with a person who tries to control everything you do, who tells you what you can wear and who you can talk to. That's not a healthy relationship at all.