Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

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  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
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    Okay, but even if theoretically a guy wanted to jump my bones- my fiancé should still trust me to not allow that to happen. Right?
    Should, but not always possible depending on past experiences - not necessarily with you.
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
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    From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

    Just this guy's perspective.
    Sorry to say...but, this is right on.





    That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
    I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).


    Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person.

    What if you genuinely don't have chemistry with the person though?

    Men and women have very different views on this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

    Okay, but even if theoretically a guy wanted to jump my bones- my fiancé should still trust me to not allow that to happen. Right?

    Yes, but from a "mans" point of view, knowing someone is making an attempt at your girlfriend is insulting and unnerving, especially if he has confidence issues. He probably doesn't trust this guy at all. Accusing you of cheating was a far stride to take I will admit that.

    Would you be comfortable with your fiance hanging around with a woman who wanted to sleep with him?

    Honestly, yes.

    There is a girl at his work that has a bit of a thing for him. Their friendship doesn't bother me because I trust him. It's harmless IMHO

    I don't really get jealous I suppose though, so it may be different for other women
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
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    Is your fiance heavy? Years ago when I bought a NordicTrak and lost about 20 lbs, my ex-wife (who was a little heavy) accused me of losing weight because I was having an affair. Sometimes when one person makes changes in their life and their partner doesn't, they feel abandoned.

    He's in pretty good shape
  • FitBeto
    FitBeto Posts: 2,121 Member
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    i really only see one logical way to approach this. cheat with me then you can look him in the eye and say.


    you think I cheated on you with my trainer? My trainer? no....not with my trainer.

    haha this guy ^
  • Hadabetter
    Hadabetter Posts: 941 Member
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    I have no magic answer for you. It's definitely a red flag, so take things slowly.
    Is your fiance heavy? Years ago when I bought a NordicTrak and lost about 20 lbs, my ex-wife (who was a little heavy) accused me of losing weight because I was having an affair. Sometimes when one person makes changes in their life and their partner doesn't, they feel abandoned.

    He's in pretty good shape
  • AverageUkDude
    AverageUkDude Posts: 371 Member
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    i really only see one logical way to approach this. cheat with me then you can look him in the eye and say.


    you think I cheated on you with my trainer? My trainer? no....not with my trainer.

    haha this guy ^

    Legendary.

    And at Op, your obviously much more secure in yourself and your relationship than him. You need to have a careful chat with him about it.
  • Admiral_Derp
    Admiral_Derp Posts: 866 Member
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    I've jumped to this conclusion with girls I've dated in the past. In all honesty, it had nothing to do with their guy friends, or trust issues and everything to do with my own insecurities at the time. I just didn't feel adequate for whatever reason and I was always trying to "level the playing field" so to speak. It was ridiculous. I haven't had that problem at all since I've been with my wife. She and I agreed early on that we both felt the only way a relationship could be healthy is with as much honest conversation, and forgiveness as possible. We don't let one another off the hook when one of us is being unreasonable, but then we also try our best to put ourselves in one another's shoes. Ask him why he thinks that you would cheat on him, let him talk and really listen for clues as to what is causing it. It may be that he doesn't have trust issues or any of that...it could be that he's thinking about the commitment you to have, and is worried about his own ability to uphold it. It's impossible for any of us to say. Either way, the key is for you both to sit down and talk with equal parts honesty, love, and mercy, while trying to avoid immediate reaction. It works for my wife and I....maybe it will for yall too. Good luck!
  • fit4lifeUcan2
    fit4lifeUcan2 Posts: 1,458 Member
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    Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change. :)

    Good luck!

    x

    I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

    Sounds like he is very insecure. If counseling doesn't help and you stay with him your in for a life time of this.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
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    Men and women have very different views on this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

    ^ That is perfect.
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
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    I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

    Ok, this is bad. It sounds controlling and possessive and certainly not a good foundation for a relationship. Not saying your fiancé is abusive but many abusive partners start off this way, using jealousy as justification for stopping you from socialising, eventually isolating you from friends and family. Be wary.

    Yes. Jealousy is "Controlling and Possessive". Definitely don't date guys. We suck.
  • his_kid1
    his_kid1 Posts: 177 Member
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    Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change. :)

    Good luck!

    x

    I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

    If he's already this insecure, it wont ease off after you say I do. Trust me. You really need to evaluate the situation. Hope counceling helps. If not... well. Fingers crossed for you!

    This, exactly. This is the time when he is on his best behavior! To be so insecure, about so many things, AND to put it on you, as though it is your problem shows a serious lack of maturity and inability to hold a stable MUTUAL relationship. He might be able to pull it off if you are willing to succumb to his terms/whims on a regular basis, but you should seriously evaluate this situation NOW, before you are tied together with children and property, etc. etc.
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
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    His lack of trust could be a sign of a significant problem. I would do some reading on jealousy and controlling people and if you think he fits the profile or there is a pattern emerging, then RUN while you still can. Just give him back the ring and go.
  • tackie8383
    tackie8383 Posts: 59 Member
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    From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

    Just this guy's perspective.

    I don't agree with this. I have a handful of guys that I am very close friends with and nothing more. They are also friends with my husband.
  • Jimaudit
    Jimaudit Posts: 275
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    How about you guys try to find common activities that all 4 of you can do. Once he is secure that your friend has "other" interests, he will calm down.
  • SGT_Reg
    SGT_Reg Posts: 186 Member
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    Sometimes when one person makes changes in their life and their partner doesn't, they feel abandoned.

    I am going to use this. GOOD STUFF, true story!!
  • StaceyJ2008
    StaceyJ2008 Posts: 411 Member
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    If you are friends and don't see each other outside of the gym, perhaps you can once per week have a group workout session. Maybe you and your fiance and your trainer and his girlfriend can all get together and work out. It will be a level field where your boyfriend can get more comfortable about things. He is acting out of fear, things will come down soon.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    Men have a thing about other men especially stuff like trainers. My fiance would probably go ballistic if I told him if I got a male PT. And he trusts me.
    A lot of time I think it's them not trusting the other man, more than us.

    And as much as he probably does trust you, for every good and faithful woman there are horror stories.
    If you really want to, go see a therapist. It very well could be beneficial, especially before a marriage.
  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
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    before all you counselors and psychiatrists take this guy out back and shoot him, don't you think you might want to hear his side of the story?
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
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    I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

    Ok, this is bad. It sounds controlling and possessive and certainly not a good foundation for a relationship. Not saying your fiancé is abusive but many abusive partners start off this way, using jealousy as justification for stopping you from socialising, eventually isolating you from friends and family. Be wary.

    Oh my goodness. Until I read this I was willing to give your fiance the benefit of doubt, but if he's already insecure about other men/what you wear/you going out then NO WAY cut him loose. This is never going to change, ever ever ever. If you guys were just dating maybe I could see putting up with it for a minute but you are engaged! Can you imagine after you marry, putting up with this for decades?! For the rest of your life living with an insecure man. Who hassles you and accuses you. Please think long and carefully about taking such a serious step. You can't go into it thinking and hoping that he will change. He probably won't. If anything it will get worse after you marry and have children.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    Really, the "we're just friends" thing never works. Nobody believes that. As if you and your trainer both being in relationships is some kind of barrier to the two of you jumping into bed together ... Let's not be altruistic about this.

    Your fiance sounds an awful lot like my cousin's ex-husband. The whole time they were dating, he made her wear baggy sweats and glasses and wouldn't let her go out without him because he didn't want other guys hitting on her. After they got married, he frequently accused her of cheating on him with her boss. Less than a year after their wedding, she caught him in the act of cheating on HER with one of his clients (he's a personal trainer, too). Before their divorce was finalized, she was, in fact, dating her boss, and we suspect it was going on before she caught her husband cheating on her.

    The moral of the story ... where there is smoke, there is fire. Whether you're cheating on him or he's cheating on you and projecting his guilt onto you, something ain't right with this situation. These types of accusations don't just appear from out of nowhere.

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