If the Groom doesn't/didn't want a wedding

ninerbuff
ninerbuff Posts: 48,901 Member
in Chit-Chat
Would you marry/had married him? A client of mine is upset that her fiancee only wants to have a civil ceremony and no wedding. It's not a money issue, they both make more than enough to have a huge wedding if they want. My understanding is that the fiancee feels that only they (along with their parents as witnesses) need to be present to for their vows. No need for a spectacle which is how he feels about weddings. He's willing to have a great honeymoon though (which is a 1 month European trip).
She has said that if he feels this way now and won't compromise, that he may not be the one to marry. Thoughts?

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Replies

  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    of course. It's about the ones getting married, not the gobs of guests. That, for me, would not be a deal breaker and if it is for her, I feel that is something that should have been discussed prior to an engagement.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    I think the European trip would be a compromise.

    That being said, let's face it, the wedding ceremony is typically mostly about the bride and what she wants. Although, we are only hearing one side of the story. It's surprising that he's not willing to budge on this.

    But what I'm getting from this is that she wants a big lavish wedding more than she actually wants a husband. Just my 2 cents.
  • Jaulen
    Jaulen Posts: 468 Member
    Would you marry/had married him? A client of mine is upset that her fiancee only wants to have a civil ceremony and no wedding. It's not a money issue, they both make more than enough to have a huge wedding if they want. My understanding is that the fiancee feels that only they (along with their parents as witnesses) need to be present to for their vows. No need for a spectacle which is how he feels about weddings. He's willing to have a great honeymoon though (which is a 1 month European trip).
    She has said that if he feels this way now and won't compromise, that he may not be the one to marry. Thoughts?

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition


    Phew.

    This.is.what's.wrong.with.women.and.weddings.

    It becomes about the spectacle and not the actual 'institution'.

    I'd find her finacee and tell him to run.
  • coolraul07
    coolraul07 Posts: 1,606 Member
    I was with it all the way up to "won't compromise". It's at that point I would seriously start questioning whether this person was the one for me. On the other hand, if they can meet in the middle (e.g. small wedding with 10-20 people from each side), then AOK. Either way, better to hammer it out now and get some insight into what you're in for.

    *Edit for spelling
  • ShaunShaunphenomenon
    ShaunShaunphenomenon Posts: 141 Member
    If you want my honest opinion I will give it.

    I think that perhaps the man feels as though he is not in need of having a huge ceremony, and no little girl ever plays civil ceremony when they are children. I think that perhaps the husband just wants it to be something special as it is for them and not for the people who are there(which most weddings are anyways)

    just my two cents.
  • DontStopB_Leakin
    DontStopB_Leakin Posts: 3,863 Member
    I didn't want a huge wedding. I wanted to buy a super gorgeous cocktail dress, get dolled up, and run down to city hall.

    My husband, however, really wanted to appease his mother and have a ceremony, reception...the whole shebang.

    We compromised, and had a small, intimate ceremony and reception. However, I would not have /flipdesked if he had insisted on a ginormous ceremony. Dear lord, it's one effing day. It doesn't matter how the days goes, as long as you're married by the end of it, it was a huge success.

    Methinks homebro should get out now before it's too late. She sounds a bit wackadoodle.


    FYI - I would GLADLY take a ginormous honeymoon over a ginormous wedding day. The honeymoon is way more memorable.

    EDIT: I love how two of the posts above me are generalizing women and weddings. Not ALL of us want the grand spectacle, and some of us don't even think about our weddings as children. Just a thought.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,901 Member
    of course. It's about the ones getting married, not the gobs of guests. That, for me, would not be a deal breaker and if it is for her, I feel that is something that should have been discussed prior to an engagement.
    I expected this answer from you.:flowerforyou: You look fabulous BTW.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • RekindledRose
    RekindledRose Posts: 523 Member
    Eh, the wedding's a one time thing. Maybe for your client the wedding is a way to acknowledge before all her friends and family that the two of them are committed. Maybe she's always dreamed of a 'real' wedding. Either way, it's about loving the partner enough to give them the special things they care about, especially if it doesn't hurt you at all to do so.

    They only happen (hopefully) once in our lives. If it's really important to your client and there's no money issue then I believe the groom should man up and give his bride to be her special day. He'll never regret it, but if they don't have a wedding she may always feel a sense of loss over not having her day in white.

    The underlying issue is this; does he care enough about her dreams and desires to give her a special day? Money's no object, remember - it's just a freakin' big party that she's always wanted. He's asking her to give up her dream image of a wedding. She's asking him to put up with a bunch of people for less than 24 hours, and they're not even going to draw any blood from him or make him do stupid frat games.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    holy crap, I'd jump for joy. NO interest in that. I just wanna be his wife and take care of him.
  • BerryH
    BerryH Posts: 4,698 Member
    My ex and I eloped because it was just about us, not the gobs of guests. Besides, tens of thousands of debt for six hours of entertainment and one pretty frock is not a great way to start life together.
  • dnhardy
    dnhardy Posts: 59
    My situation is quite the opposite. I want to go on a long honeymoon and have the 'wedding' on a beach somewhere with just us and maybe our parents. He wants a lavish shindig. Theoretically, weddings are supposed to be a once in a lifetime opportunity. So this would be her one and only chance to have this one thing. He should compromise. Plain and simple.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,901 Member
    I think the European trip would be a compromise.

    That being said, let's face it, the wedding ceremony is typically mostly about the bride and what she wants. Although, we are only hearing one side of the story. It's surprising that he's not willing to budge on this.

    But what I'm getting from this is that she wants a big lavish wedding more than she actually wants a husband. Just my 2 cents.
    I've gotten to know her pretty well and her friends are people who are well to do. She's been training with me to look smokin' in whatever dress she gets married in, but that may not happen now. I do know she wants a big wedding though.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
    I think too much stock is placed on the ceremony and not enough on the marriage. But she has probably dreamed of a big wedding, and now she feels cheated. As much as "I" would agree with his way of doing things, I'm not her. In the middle of stressful wedding planning, I called a hotel in Vegas, booked the trip and the rooms, called his parents, my mom and arranged tickets. Then I told him about it. Then, we used all the money we would have spent on the wedding to pay for the honeymoon of our dreams. But in all honesty, I wouldn't have booked Vegas it if I thought he wouldn't have been relieved about it.

    If she gives in and goes on the honeymoon to Europe as opposed to having the big wedding, she might resent him for not letting her have "her big day." If he gives in and has this big wedding and misses out on the honeymoon to Europe, he might resent her. They need to talk about whether there is going to be resentment.

    A smaller wedding and 2 weeks in Europe might be a good compromise.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    Being in a successful relationship is all about understanding the other person's point of view, respecting their feelings and opinions, and compromising for the best outcome for both people. If they can't figure this out and both come to an agreement, they've got no hope of accomplishing anything. Hopefully they'll work it out. :flowerforyou:
  • petstorekitty
    petstorekitty Posts: 592 Member
    They need to sit down and find an actual compromise. I do not dream of a big wedding, but I sure don't want to get married in a courtroom either.

    It sounds like dude just doesn't want to deal with a wedding at all. From what I hear, most guys don't and the bride does everything anyway.

    If it's going to be a non-compromisable thing that will haunt their marriage forever, maybe they aren't a great couple and should re-think. Or maybe they should just sit down and work it out.

    I had to put my nose in this because I'm sure my boyfriend has this idea of dancing at our wedding and I'm like "NO!!"
    I want to elope to Ireland and get married in a bar. I'm sure we will have discussions and compromise on something.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    i want to run away.

    i want two people there...me and him.

    i want nothing else.....maybe a pretty dress because i want to be pretty....

    it would be nice to have sand between my toes but i don't care.

    it would be nice to have a flower in my hair, again i don't care.

    but i want him to be "IN" for forever.

    and hence, i have yet to be married.

    (shrugs)

    it's more than just a day, it's forever.......for two people. that's bigger than a party, in my opinion.
  • BondBomb
    BondBomb Posts: 1,781 Member
    My ex was nice enough to skip the big wedding for me. I wanted Vegas and Elvis. I got Vegas and Elvis. My next wedding will probably be big but the one after that, definitely small again. No promises on #4.
  • MoreBean13
    MoreBean13 Posts: 8,701 Member
    I feel like they should be able to work it out. If they can't figure out a mutually agreeable solution to the beginning of the marriage, they are in for a lot of arguments down the line.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    of course. It's about the ones getting married, not the gobs of guests. That, for me, would not be a deal breaker and if it is for her, I feel that is something that should have been discussed prior to an engagement.
    I expected this answer from you.:flowerforyou: You look fabulous BTW.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    aw, thanks! Next time I do it, it will be a destination wedding. Screw everyone else. Well, except immediate family, of course.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,901 Member
    I didn't want a huge wedding. I wanted to buy a super gorgeous cocktail dress, get dolled up, and run down to city hall.

    My husband, however, really wanted to appease his mother and have a ceremony, reception...the whole shebang.

    We compromised, and had a small, intimate ceremony and reception. However, I would not have /flipdesked if he had insisted on a ginormous ceremony. Dear lord, it's one effing day. It doesn't matter how the days goes, as long as you're married by the end of it, it was a huge success.

    Methinks homebro should get out now before it's too late. She sounds a bit wackadoodle.


    FYI - I would GLADLY take a ginormous honeymoon over a ginormous wedding day. The honeymoon is way more memorable.

    EDIT: I love how two of the posts above me are generalizing women and weddings. Not ALL of us want the grand spectacle, and some of us don't even think about our weddings as children. Just a thought.
    Well I think that many mothers want the big wedding too. My mom and mother in law were ALL IN on our wedding and of course were trying to infuse what they thought our wedding should be like. Luckily for me and my wife, we set the grounds right away and since we were living back east at the time and the wedding was here in CA, we didn't have to deal with our mothers about it much.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

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