If the Groom doesn't/didn't want a wedding

ninerbuff

Would you marry/had married him? A client of mine is upset that her fiancee only wants to have a civil ceremony and no wedding. It's not a money issue, they both make more than enough to have a huge wedding if they want. My understanding is that the fiancee feels that only they (along with their parents as witnesses) need to be present to for their vows. No need for a spectacle which is how he feels about weddings. He's willing to have a great honeymoon though (which is a 1 month European trip).
She has said that if he feels this way now and won't compromise, that he may not be the one to marry. Thoughts?

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IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

of course. It's about the ones getting married, not the gobs of guests. That, for me, would not be a deal breaker and if it is for her, I feel that is something that should have been discussed prior to an engagement.

pastryari

I think the European trip would be a compromise.

That being said, let's face it, the wedding ceremony is typically mostly about the bride and what she wants. Although, we are only hearing one side of the story. It's surprising that he's not willing to budge on this.

But what I'm getting from this is that she wants a big lavish wedding more than she actually wants a husband. Just my 2 cents.

Jaulen

Would you marry/had married him? A client of mine is upset that her fiancee only wants to have a civil ceremony and no wedding. It's not a money issue, they both make more than enough to have a huge wedding if they want. My understanding is that the fiancee feels that only they (along with their parents as witnesses) need to be present to for their vows. No need for a spectacle which is how he feels about weddings. He's willing to have a great honeymoon though (which is a 1 month European trip).
She has said that if he feels this way now and won't compromise, that he may not be the one to marry. Thoughts?

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Phew.

This.is.what's.wrong.with.women.and.weddings.

It becomes about the spectacle and not the actual 'institution'.

I'd find her finacee and tell him to run.

coolraul07

I was with it all the way up to "won't compromise". It's at that point I would seriously start questioning whether this person was the one for me. On the other hand, if they can meet in the middle (e.g. small wedding with 10-20 people from each side), then AOK. Either way, better to hammer it out now and get some insight into what you're in for.

*Edit for spelling

ShaunShaunphenomenon

If you want my honest opinion I will give it.

I think that perhaps the man feels as though he is not in need of having a huge ceremony, and no little girl ever plays civil ceremony when they are children. I think that perhaps the husband just wants it to be something special as it is for them and not for the people who are there(which most weddings are anyways)

just my two cents.

DontStopB_Leakin

I didn't want a huge wedding. I wanted to buy a super gorgeous cocktail dress, get dolled up, and run down to city hall.

My husband, however, really wanted to appease his mother and have a ceremony, reception...the whole shebang.

We compromised, and had a small, intimate ceremony and reception. However, I would not have /flipdesked if he had insisted on a ginormous ceremony. Dear lord, it's one effing day. It doesn't matter how the days goes, as long as you're married by the end of it, it was a huge success.

Methinks homebro should get out now before it's too late. She sounds a bit wackadoodle.


FYI - I would GLADLY take a ginormous honeymoon over a ginormous wedding day. The honeymoon is way more memorable.

EDIT: I love how two of the posts above me are generalizing women and weddings. Not ALL of us want the grand spectacle, and some of us don't even think about our weddings as children. Just a thought.

ninerbuff

of course. It's about the ones getting married, not the gobs of guests. That, for me, would not be a deal breaker and if it is for her, I feel that is something that should have been discussed prior to an engagement.

I expected this answer from you.:flowerforyou: You look fabulous BTW.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

RekindledRose

Eh, the wedding's a one time thing. Maybe for your client the wedding is a way to acknowledge before all her friends and family that the two of them are committed. Maybe she's always dreamed of a 'real' wedding. Either way, it's about loving the partner enough to give them the special things they care about, especially if it doesn't hurt you at all to do so.

They only happen (hopefully) once in our lives. If it's really important to your client and there's no money issue then I believe the groom should man up and give his bride to be her special day. He'll never regret it, but if they don't have a wedding she may always feel a sense of loss over not having her day in white.

The underlying issue is this; does he care enough about her dreams and desires to give her a special day? Money's no object, remember - it's just a freakin' big party that she's always wanted. He's asking her to give up her dream image of a wedding. She's asking him to put up with a bunch of people for less than 24 hours, and they're not even going to draw any blood from him or make him do stupid frat games.

oregonzoo

holy crap, I'd jump for joy. NO interest in that. I just wanna be his wife and take care of him.

BerryH

My ex and I eloped because it was just about us, not the gobs of guests. Besides, tens of thousands of debt for six hours of entertainment and one pretty frock is not a great way to start life together.

dnhardy

My situation is quite the opposite. I want to go on a long honeymoon and have the 'wedding' on a beach somewhere with just us and maybe our parents. He wants a lavish shindig. Theoretically, weddings are supposed to be a once in a lifetime opportunity. So this would be her one and only chance to have this one thing. He should compromise. Plain and simple.

ninerbuff

I think the European trip would be a compromise.

That being said, let's face it, the wedding ceremony is typically mostly about the bride and what she wants. Although, we are only hearing one side of the story. It's surprising that he's not willing to budge on this.

But what I'm getting from this is that she wants a big lavish wedding more than she actually wants a husband. Just my 2 cents.

I've gotten to know her pretty well and her friends are people who are well to do. She's been training with me to look smokin' in whatever dress she gets married in, but that may not happen now. I do know she wants a big wedding though.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

I think too much stock is placed on the ceremony and not enough on the marriage. But she has probably dreamed of a big wedding, and now she feels cheated. As much as "I" would agree with his way of doing things, I'm not her. In the middle of stressful wedding planning, I called a hotel in Vegas, booked the trip and the rooms, called his parents, my mom and arranged tickets. Then I told him about it. Then, we used all the money we would have spent on the wedding to pay for the honeymoon of our dreams. But in all honesty, I wouldn't have booked Vegas it if I thought he wouldn't have been relieved about it.

If she gives in and goes on the honeymoon to Europe as opposed to having the big wedding, she might resent him for not letting her have "her big day." If he gives in and has this big wedding and misses out on the honeymoon to Europe, he might resent her. They need to talk about whether there is going to be resentment.

A smaller wedding and 2 weeks in Europe might be a good compromise.

auroranflash

Being in a successful relationship is all about understanding the other person's point of view, respecting their feelings and opinions, and compromising for the best outcome for both people. If they can't figure this out and both come to an agreement, they've got no hope of accomplishing anything. Hopefully they'll work it out. :flowerforyou:

petstorekitty

They need to sit down and find an actual compromise. I do not dream of a big wedding, but I sure don't want to get married in a courtroom either.

It sounds like dude just doesn't want to deal with a wedding at all. From what I hear, most guys don't and the bride does everything anyway.

If it's going to be a non-compromisable thing that will haunt their marriage forever, maybe they aren't a great couple and should re-think. Or maybe they should just sit down and work it out.

I had to put my nose in this because I'm sure my boyfriend has this idea of dancing at our wedding and I'm like "NO!!"
I want to elope to Ireland and get married in a bar. I'm sure we will have discussions and compromise on something.

Alex_is_Hawks

i want to run away.

i want two people there...me and him.

i want nothing else.....maybe a pretty dress because i want to be pretty....

it would be nice to have sand between my toes but i don't care.

it would be nice to have a flower in my hair, again i don't care.

but i want him to be "IN" for forever.

and hence, i have yet to be married.

(shrugs)

it's more than just a day, it's forever.......for two people. that's bigger than a party, in my opinion.

BondBomb

My ex was nice enough to skip the big wedding for me. I wanted Vegas and Elvis. I got Vegas and Elvis. My next wedding will probably be big but the one after that, definitely small again. No promises on #4.

MoreBean13

I feel like they should be able to work it out. If they can't figure out a mutually agreeable solution to the beginning of the marriage, they are in for a lot of arguments down the line.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

of course. It's about the ones getting married, not the gobs of guests. That, for me, would not be a deal breaker and if it is for her, I feel that is something that should have been discussed prior to an engagement.

I expected this answer from you.:flowerforyou: You look fabulous BTW.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

aw, thanks! Next time I do it, it will be a destination wedding. Screw everyone else. Well, except immediate family, of course.

ninerbuff

I didn't want a huge wedding. I wanted to buy a super gorgeous cocktail dress, get dolled up, and run down to city hall.

My husband, however, really wanted to appease his mother and have a ceremony, reception...the whole shebang.

We compromised, and had a small, intimate ceremony and reception. However, I would not have /flipdesked if he had insisted on a ginormous ceremony. Dear lord, it's one effing day. It doesn't matter how the days goes, as long as you're married by the end of it, it was a huge success.

Methinks homebro should get out now before it's too late. She sounds a bit wackadoodle.


FYI - I would GLADLY take a ginormous honeymoon over a ginormous wedding day. The honeymoon is way more memorable.

EDIT: I love how two of the posts above me are generalizing women and weddings. Not ALL of us want the grand spectacle, and some of us don't even think about our weddings as children. Just a thought.

Well I think that many mothers want the big wedding too. My mom and mother in law were ALL IN on our wedding and of course were trying to infuse what they thought our wedding should be like. Luckily for me and my wife, we set the grounds right away and since we were living back east at the time and the wedding was here in CA, we didn't have to deal with our mothers about it much.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

auroranflash

I had to put my nose in this because I'm sure my boyfriend has this idea of dancing at our wedding and I'm like "NO!!"
I want to elope to Ireland and get married in a bar. I'm sure we will have discussions and compromise on something.

That sounds like a LOT of fun. If he's not down, ring me. I'm down.

Ge0rgiana

I'd tell him he better get over it.

TheConsciousFoody

I want Vegas,no big fancy smancy crap so I think the groom is being reasonable. The 1 month trip seems amazing and she should be appreciative. Not everybody wants a big wedding, where you basically pay to throw a party and feed other people.

DamnImASexyBitch

My husband and I had a small wedding. I'm talking small. My kids, the person performing the ceremony and us. No one else was invited. I don't regret it at all like everyone said I would. I think it's important to be on the same page though. But if ultimately he is giving her what she wants and she isn't having to sacrifice on this it's not really a huge issue. The wedding is definitely more of a focus on the bride type of deal. The man usually just rolls with it.

Im_NotPerfect

I guess we would need to know the extent to which he "won't compromise". If they're both determined to get their way, sounds like she's doing the same thing. COMPROMISING means finding an agreeable solution to both in the middle.

It kind of sounds like she wants someone who will do what SHE wants and what SHE wants only. I guess if that's the kind of guy she wants, maybe this guy ISN'T the right one.

Either way, if they don't learn how tocompromise, that marriage isn't going to last any longer than Kim K's!

ninerbuff

Eh, the wedding's a one time thing. Maybe for your client the wedding is a way to acknowledge before all her friends and family that the two of them are committed. Maybe she's always dreamed of a 'real' wedding. Either way, it's about loving the partner enough to give them the special things they care about, especially if it doesn't hurt you at all to do so.

They only happen (hopefully) once in our lives. If it's really important to your client and there's no money issue then I believe the groom should man up and give his bride to be her special day. He'll never regret it, but if they don't have a wedding she may always feel a sense of loss over not having her day in white.

The underlying issue is this; does he care enough about her dreams and desires to give her a special day? Money's no object, remember - it's just a freakin' big party that she's always wanted. He's asking her to give up her dream image of a wedding. She's asking him to put up with a bunch of people for less than 24 hours, and they're not even going to draw any blood from him or make him do stupid frat games.

Funny, he's a divorce lawyer by career.:laugh:

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

penrbrown

I'm not concerned that he doesn't want a wedding. I'm concerned that he doesn't seem willing to compromise to please his new wife-to-be and SHE doesn't seem willing to compromise her new husband-to-be. They both sound very selfish.

maab_connor

Would you marry/had married him? A client of mine is upset that her fiancee only wants to have a civil ceremony and no wedding. It's not a money issue, they both make more than enough to have a huge wedding if they want. My understanding is that the fiancee feels that only they (along with their parents as witnesses) need to be present to for their vows. No need for a spectacle which is how he feels about weddings. He's willing to have a great honeymoon though (which is a 1 month European trip).
She has said that if he feels this way now and won't compromise, that he may not be the one to marry. Thoughts?

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Phew.

This.is.what's.wrong.with.women.and.weddings.

It becomes about the spectacle and not the actual 'institution'.

I'd find her finacee and tell him to run.

wow. way to make yourself sound like a sexist prick. bravo on that one.

not all women want the spectacle. not all men are against it. it's individual choice and what's considered "normal" to your family.

I don't want the spectacle, that makes me no less a woman. a friend of mine was w/ a guy who couldn't see NOT having the spectacle and it lead to a break up, made him no less a man. it's not a problem of the sexes, it's a problem of individuals.

OP: if she's willing to call it off over this, then she doesn't want to marry him. and the same goes the other way. if they "can't find" a middle ground on THIS? then it's not about the day, it's about the marriage. and neither of them want it.

Im_NotPerfect

I didn't want a huge wedding. I wanted to buy a super gorgeous cocktail dress, get dolled up, and run down to city hall.

My husband, however, really wanted to appease his mother and have a ceremony, reception...the whole shebang.

We compromised, and had a small, intimate ceremony and reception. However, I would not have /flipdesked if he had insisted on a ginormous ceremony. Dear lord, it's one effing day. It doesn't matter how the days goes, as long as you're married by the end of it, it was a huge success.

Methinks homebro should get out now before it's too late. She sounds a bit wackadoodle.


FYI - I would GLADLY take a ginormous honeymoon over a ginormous wedding day. The honeymoon is way more memorable.

EDIT: I love how two of the posts above me are generalizing women and weddings. Not ALL of us want the grand spectacle, and some of us don't even think about our weddings as children. Just a thought.

This was exactly me and my husband with our wedding. I wanted to go to Jamica and get married (A weddingmoon) so to speak....he wanted the big shebang.....

tlkrallman

If this is her first wedding, I understand her point. All little girls dream of a fairytale wedding, where they become cinderella. She looks at her future husband as Prince Charming and she wants to be the belle of the ball.