If the Groom doesn't/didn't want a wedding

Crystle85

truth

this is just full of awesome.

:laugh: This.

I'd already be married if we weren't so anti social and against stupid pointless social events, instead I have to keep referring to him as my "boyfriend" after 12 years together because we both think having a big wedding is so stupid. I'm thinking maybe we'll get married this year because my driver's license is up for renewal and it'd be cheaper to get it renewed with a new name rather than paying for it as extra.

amberlykay1014

Since when is the wedding about the ceremony and not the marriage?! Sounds like this chick doesn't really want to get married.

AsellusReborn

What sets this off for me isn't that he doesn't want a wedding - it's that he knows she does and won't compromise at all. That would have me asking, do I want to spend the rest of my life with a man who will never meet me in the middle?

I'm pretty sure a civil ceremony is still a "wedding".

My take on the OP was that he wanted to just go to civil hall and get married. My father and stepmom did that and said they did it because they didn't want to spend money on a wedding. To me, civil hall is getting married rather than having a wedding. If I misinterpreted and he wants a small civil ceremony wedding, than I apologize and retract my opinion. My wedding was a tiny civil ceremony - a friend's mother married us - and like I said, we had chinese. So let's be clear on what we're talking about here - it's possible I misinterpreted here, but it's just as possible you did.

What sets this off for me isn't that he doesn't want a wedding - it's that he knows she does and won't compromise at all. That would have me asking, do I want to spend the rest of my life with a man who will never meet me in the middle?

.

Poor Potential Groom to Be!

Everyone heaping on him since HE won't compromise with her for the big day.

Sounds like it's just as true for her.

Compromise means 'you give some, I give some'.

And if she can't compromise, she's just as at fault as he is.

If he won't budge at all, how can she compromise? If my read on the OP is right, he won't budge on no wedding at all. I agree with you, both parties should compromise - but it sounds like him getting his way and her doing all the compromising.

EstiloPanama

I think it's okay to not have a big wedding. It is honestly a huge waste of money that could be invested in better things. My fiance and I are getting married in late July. We plan to have just parents, siblings, and one of my good friends there. So maximum? Fifteen people...at most. It's going to be simple, fun, sweet, and there will be food. A small affair is sensible, realistic and also probably demonstrates responsibility. Lots of time, those involved in the process of the actual wedding forget to work on the marriage. Weddings are nice and everything, even extravagant ones, but if the foundation is made of sand as opposed to cement, it will not stand the tests of time. If she wants to leave just because he doesn't want a big wedding, that says a lot of negative things about her. If he is trying to have an awesome honeymoon, that means he is more concerned about THEM then he is about impressing others. But it seems she is more concerned with what everyone else thinks. And that WILL become a huge problem later on down the road.

KathrynCatlady

Phew.

This.is.what's.wrong.with.women.and.weddings.

It becomes about the spectacle and not the actual 'institution'.

I'd find her finacee and tell him to run.

Let's not generalize.

I am a woman, and I'd be perfectly happy to have a man/woman who wanted to focus on US and what the vows mean (and hey, the long honeymoon don't hurt!), and not so much with throwing a lavish party for every friend and distant family member we have ever known or met. I find the big extravagant weddings to distract from what it's all about. Plus... the stress? NO THANKS.

SloRunner25

A wedding lasts one day. A marriage is every day after that.

Make sure you choose the one based on the rest of your life, not one day. :flowerforyou:

MrsPong

My husband didn't really want a wedding, most people in the military don't. (He also just got back from Iraq and we had a 3 month old and he wanted to get life started ASAP...)
BUT we did compromise.... it was a small(er) wedding and it was done 6 weeks AFTER our engagement. 100 guests tops and it was done at a Hall, the whole thing. The cermeony and the reception. So it was not a big deal with going from here or there... We also didnt have a photographer, I felt the cost was insane and what do you do with all your pictures? You put them away... We got nice ones from family and friends... but I kind of regret not having one because I don't have many pics of my grandparents with me at the wedding.

I didnt have a huge dress, I had a very simple classy one. The bridesmaids picked a simple black dress on their own and the groomsmen had their Dress Blues on like my husband did.

I'm happy with how everything turned out and wouldnt of changed it. He compromised for me... we had a little wedding and I compromised for him, we did it within 6 weeks so we could get our life started asap.

packratpatty

This couple better get straight on this or one of them will never hear the end of it. Maybe they don't really belong together if this is a point of contention. What are they going to do when something REALLY important comes up in thier marriage if they cannot even agree about this? What's the big deal of spending a bunch of money on something so private? Are you trying to flaunt your wealth or what? When I got married, I didn't want any froo froo at all and neither did he. I told the judge "just say the minimal thing required by law and let me get the hell out of here" We didn't exchange rings or anythng else. We did it after work and I grabbed two ladies in the hall to be the witnesses.

I look at the $700 prom dresses in my friend's daughter's closets. The ones that were worn one time. The ones that caused so much angst. I see the stacks of wedding photos that are in boxes in my friends closets, the ones with the $2000 photographer. What a waste of money and time. Tell this couple to get their heads out of their *kitten* and start enjoying the things that really matter, like time with friends and family and not some six hour ordeal that is the biggest chunk of wasted money either of them will ever have. Use that money and take thier parents to dinner every week for a year. They will never regret THAT.

Crystle85

A wedding lasts one day. A marriage is every day after that.

Make sure you choose the one based on the rest of your life, not one day. :flowerforyou:

:flowerforyou:

PomegranatePriestess

I wanted all the people who love both of us there all at once for once in our lives... Let's face it, the only other time that will happen, one or both of us will not be alive to see it.

I didn't want anything "lavish" so we went with an outdoor wedding in August and had the reception right there; a friend was getting into DJing weddings so we hired her as our DJ, we had a local BBQ place cater it. We also had Ben & Jerry's come and do an ice cream sundae bar, which everyone loved. Many people told me it was the best wedding they had ever attended.

My point is that we don't know why this woman wants to have more than just the groom and their parents at the wedding, so we shouldn't assume it's about making a "spectacle" rather than just making it special.

Brianna72994

I wouldn't care if my fiancee didn't want a wedding. I couldn't care less. I'm very spontaneous, let's just go to Vegas and get married. lol


I'd rather save the money that I would have spent on the wedding and have a really nice honeymoon instead. Honeymoons aren't cheap! Especially the one I have in mind..

tj1376

Phew.

This.is.what's.wrong.with.women.and.weddings.

It becomes about the spectacle and not the actual 'institution'.

I'd find her finacee and tell him to run.

Hey now!! Im a woman and I personally think weddings are stupid wastes of time and money. If you want to have a party, cool, but really people all that fuss for one day? !! Its impractical and ridiculous and people that obsess about weddings have a screw loose. If you NEED to stand in front of everyone you have ever met in order to say vows of love - then are you really in love?

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

I didn't want a huge wedding. I wanted to buy a super gorgeous cocktail dress, get dolled up, and run down to city hall.

My husband, however, really wanted to appease his mother and have a ceremony, reception...the whole shebang.

We compromised, and had a small, intimate ceremony and reception. However, I would not have /flipdesked if he had insisted on a ginormous ceremony. Dear lord, it's one effing day. It doesn't matter how the days goes, as long as you're married by the end of it, it was a huge success.

Methinks homebro should get out now before it's too late. She sounds a bit wackadoodle.


FYI - I would GLADLY take a ginormous honeymoon over a ginormous wedding day. The honeymoon is way more memorable.

EDIT: I love how two of the posts above me are generalizing women and weddings. Not ALL of us want the grand spectacle, and some of us don't even think about our weddings as children. Just a thought.

This was us too. We had a wedding to make my husband's family happy. I didn't want a huge wedding, and didn't have one.
I'd be way more concerned about the unwillingness to compromise.

Food4Fuel

To be honest, if she's thinking about calling off the marriage due to this one disagreement she's not ready to get married.

jlemoore

Weddings are over in minutes. It is the marriage that she needs to be concerned with. Sorry to spend $$$$ on a few hours is ridiculous.

3foldchord

I didn't want a wedding. I just wanted a civil court wedding. Or to "elope" my husband talked me into it. He wanted a wedding, said my mom and his mom really would like that, yada yada.
It was a small wedding (only one bride's maid. Just cake,no dinner or dancing). It was fine. Still would have preferred just a court thing, but am very glad I married my husband!

1 month in Europe and not having to deal with a wedding sounds about perfect to me.

I dunno. Maybe they can compromise on just 6 family members.

StaceySuperfly

Weddings are so stressful and expensive! What really matters is the marriage. I agree with the groom, civil ceremony, maybe a big reception for everyone to enjoy and then a long European honeymoon. He sounds like he has some good sense. However, if the bride has her heart set on a big wedding and doesn't get it she will probably make his life hell for disappointing her!

alvalaurie

I'd swear you were litening to my thoughts! I am in this exact situation. I am ok with no big frills of a wedding, but I at least wanted my parents (& his) there & he is emphatically refusing. He only wnats us and my 2 kids; I don't get it either?!?

I'm not childish and I completely agree with just going to the JP but it's his whole attitude that this means nothing more than the signing of a legal document. What about the committment to each other? I'm interested to go back & read others thoughts.

CorvusCorax77

culture plays a big role for some folks. for some folks, if it isn't done in front of your community, you are hiding something.

maybe a bit more open mindedness is in order before people assume she's nuts.

she could just be mediterranean

CorvusCorax77

Weddings are over in minutes. ....

not if you're catholic, hon.

CorvusCorax77

Phew.

This.is.what's.wrong.with.women.and.weddings.

It becomes about the spectacle and not the actual 'institution'.

I'd find her finacee and tell him to run.

:noway:

umachanxo

They would need to find a compromise. Lots of girls dream about their wedding and I think for the groom to take that away from his bride may be a bit harsh. But she also needs to realize that she's doing the same thing to him saying she only wants one thing also. Maybe having a small ceremony?

lizzzylou

this is probably something that should've been discussed BEFORE getting this far into a relationship (i.e. engaged). BUT if it was sprung on me out of the blue, I'd be pissed that I couldn't have an awesome party with my friends there. (I do love a good time). BUT this guy is the guy that I've picked to be superb, comparatively, to marry. I'm not marrying my best friends. You should probably choose the guy. Otherwise you look like a total b1tch. Plus there's a month vacation in Europe....uuuum, yes please. I'll bring my friends souvenirs

AuddAlise

I think she needs to sort out her priorities! A wedding is only one day; a marriage is for life.

BTW, I like that guys thinking. I just wanted to go to Vegas and be done with it.

BAMFMeredith

I'm recently engaged, and my fiance is very much the "would be happy going to the court house" kind of guy. When we started getting really serious and discussing the idea of marriage, we realized we were pretty much polar opposites on what we wanted. He was ready to just go down to the court house and be done with it, then go on a honeymoon. I, however, wanted a big Catholic wedding (we are both Catholic, but my family is more obnoxious about it), black tie, seated dinner reception, with a band, a dj, the whole nine yards. We revisited the idea of marriage a few times and each time made concessions toward a compromise. Granted, he has done more of the compromising than I have, but the bottom line is if you want to marry someone, and you love them, you make compromises.

If neither of them are willing to compromise and meet in the middle somewhere (maybe get married at the court house and then have a fun informal party with their friends and family for a reception), that doesn't really bode well for the rest of their marriage.

atsteele

If they can't figure out a suitable compromise re wedding now (the very first day of their married lives), how are they going to be able to withstand the test of time? Marriage is a constant compromise.

Personally, I wanted to elope. My husband wouldn't because he figured that my family would be PISSED. (He was probably right. Ok, ok, he WAS right. hehe) So we came up with a wedding that we both enjoyed (small, simple and fun). I haven't regretted it ever.

AngelsFan91106

I'm another girl who did not want a wedding--and think that the way people fuss over weddings nowadays is beyond insane.

That said, a relationship must be built on compromises.

THAT said, if she honestly feels that his refusal to have a wedding changes his status as "the one," I'd tell the potential groom he lucked out on finding this out about the woman now.

california_peach

They should come to some sort of compromise or it will be an issue for years to come.

JenniBaby85

European Month-long Honeymoon = WIN!

But that's just me, my hubby and I eloped and did not make a big deal of the wedding. My parents and some close relatives were there, we said our vows, signed our license and went off to the beach for a week. I always tell the people I know "It's not about the WEDDING it's about the MARRIAGE". And if this is something that bothers her then she is not focusing on the marriage. Just the material and ceremonial stuff.

dzlilo

My fiance and I discussed our "wedding" vision before we even got engaged. He did not care to make a big fuss about anything, but he said he would go along with whatever I wanted. We attended about 5 weddings last year, and knowing each bride personally, we were aware of all the behind the scenes drama for this one day production! I know a few who admitted after the wedding that they would do it differently (and on a smaller scale) if they could do it all over again. $20k+ and all this fighting/drama over one day is not worth it to me or my fiance. We will have something very small for our immediately family members and close friends that we see on a regular basis. Then we're going to have a fabulous adventure in Europe.

If the bride can't compromise on this and calls it a dealbreaker, then they weren't meant to be. Going through the wedding planning process is a big test of a couple's relationship strength and how they compromise. You shouldn't be fighting over the big day.