If the Groom doesn't/didn't want a wedding

auroranflash

I had to put my nose in this because I'm sure my boyfriend has this idea of dancing at our wedding and I'm like "NO!!"
I want to elope to Ireland and get married in a bar. I'm sure we will have discussions and compromise on something.

That sounds like a LOT of fun. If he's not down, ring me. I'm down.

Ge0rgiana

I'd tell him he better get over it.

TheConsciousFoody

I want Vegas,no big fancy smancy crap so I think the groom is being reasonable. The 1 month trip seems amazing and she should be appreciative. Not everybody wants a big wedding, where you basically pay to throw a party and feed other people.

DamnImASexyBitch

My husband and I had a small wedding. I'm talking small. My kids, the person performing the ceremony and us. No one else was invited. I don't regret it at all like everyone said I would. I think it's important to be on the same page though. But if ultimately he is giving her what she wants and she isn't having to sacrifice on this it's not really a huge issue. The wedding is definitely more of a focus on the bride type of deal. The man usually just rolls with it.

Im_NotPerfect

I guess we would need to know the extent to which he "won't compromise". If they're both determined to get their way, sounds like she's doing the same thing. COMPROMISING means finding an agreeable solution to both in the middle.

It kind of sounds like she wants someone who will do what SHE wants and what SHE wants only. I guess if that's the kind of guy she wants, maybe this guy ISN'T the right one.

Either way, if they don't learn how tocompromise, that marriage isn't going to last any longer than Kim K's!

ninerbuff

Eh, the wedding's a one time thing. Maybe for your client the wedding is a way to acknowledge before all her friends and family that the two of them are committed. Maybe she's always dreamed of a 'real' wedding. Either way, it's about loving the partner enough to give them the special things they care about, especially if it doesn't hurt you at all to do so.

They only happen (hopefully) once in our lives. If it's really important to your client and there's no money issue then I believe the groom should man up and give his bride to be her special day. He'll never regret it, but if they don't have a wedding she may always feel a sense of loss over not having her day in white.

The underlying issue is this; does he care enough about her dreams and desires to give her a special day? Money's no object, remember - it's just a freakin' big party that she's always wanted. He's asking her to give up her dream image of a wedding. She's asking him to put up with a bunch of people for less than 24 hours, and they're not even going to draw any blood from him or make him do stupid frat games.

Funny, he's a divorce lawyer by career.:laugh:

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penrbrown

I'm not concerned that he doesn't want a wedding. I'm concerned that he doesn't seem willing to compromise to please his new wife-to-be and SHE doesn't seem willing to compromise her new husband-to-be. They both sound very selfish.

maab_connor

Would you marry/had married him? A client of mine is upset that her fiancee only wants to have a civil ceremony and no wedding. It's not a money issue, they both make more than enough to have a huge wedding if they want. My understanding is that the fiancee feels that only they (along with their parents as witnesses) need to be present to for their vows. No need for a spectacle which is how he feels about weddings. He's willing to have a great honeymoon though (which is a 1 month European trip).
She has said that if he feels this way now and won't compromise, that he may not be the one to marry. Thoughts?

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Phew.

This.is.what's.wrong.with.women.and.weddings.

It becomes about the spectacle and not the actual 'institution'.

I'd find her finacee and tell him to run.

wow. way to make yourself sound like a sexist prick. bravo on that one.

not all women want the spectacle. not all men are against it. it's individual choice and what's considered "normal" to your family.

I don't want the spectacle, that makes me no less a woman. a friend of mine was w/ a guy who couldn't see NOT having the spectacle and it lead to a break up, made him no less a man. it's not a problem of the sexes, it's a problem of individuals.

OP: if she's willing to call it off over this, then she doesn't want to marry him. and the same goes the other way. if they "can't find" a middle ground on THIS? then it's not about the day, it's about the marriage. and neither of them want it.

Im_NotPerfect

I didn't want a huge wedding. I wanted to buy a super gorgeous cocktail dress, get dolled up, and run down to city hall.

My husband, however, really wanted to appease his mother and have a ceremony, reception...the whole shebang.

We compromised, and had a small, intimate ceremony and reception. However, I would not have /flipdesked if he had insisted on a ginormous ceremony. Dear lord, it's one effing day. It doesn't matter how the days goes, as long as you're married by the end of it, it was a huge success.

Methinks homebro should get out now before it's too late. She sounds a bit wackadoodle.


FYI - I would GLADLY take a ginormous honeymoon over a ginormous wedding day. The honeymoon is way more memorable.

EDIT: I love how two of the posts above me are generalizing women and weddings. Not ALL of us want the grand spectacle, and some of us don't even think about our weddings as children. Just a thought.

This was exactly me and my husband with our wedding. I wanted to go to Jamica and get married (A weddingmoon) so to speak....he wanted the big shebang.....

tlkrallman

If this is her first wedding, I understand her point. All little girls dream of a fairytale wedding, where they become cinderella. She looks at her future husband as Prince Charming and she wants to be the belle of the ball.

perfectingpatti

A client of mine is upset that her fiancee only wants to have a civil ceremony and no wedding.

My problem would not be the amount of people. It would have more to do with wanting a church wedding. Is that the issue with her, or is it that she wants lots of people, dinner, dancing, and everything?

Oh....and for me that would be a deal breaker.

Erienneb

I'm not officially wedding planning quite yet as I still have a year left to get my bachelor's degree and I'd rather wait, but it's been discussed in depth.

I do not want a wedding. I don't want to plan it, I don't want to spend the money, I don't want the dress. I get very anxious very easily and would rather avoid it. However, now my man is telling me that he actually does want a wedding since he is the oldest and comes from a very traditional Italian family. We could still do it how I want., instead of the traditional large Catholic wedding. Sooo the compromise is small. Family. My best friend is my maid of honor and his bf is his best man. I can live with that. I'll tailor my aunts dress because she wants me to have it and it's beautiful. My family wants to help decorate and all that. Easy peasy. I can handle this much.

So kind of the opposite of the groom not wanting, but I really think if you aren't willing to meet halfway then maybe you aren't ready to get married?

knittnponder

My husband and I both wanted to elope but the parents got wind of it and begged us to have a wedding so we did. I would have been fine with the elopement/honeymoon but we decided to make the family happy and I don't regret it.

In this case where they have different ideas of what they want compromise is paramount. I don't think she's a whack job for wanting a big wedding, a lot of girls do. I do wedding cakes as a hobby and there are some women who think and plan long before prince charming comes along. Have you seen the wedding boards on Pinterest?! It's not uncommon. If they're going to have a successful marriage they need to learn to meet in the middle and if this is a big issue that they can't work through then the other big issues that come up (and they will!) will be that much harder. They have to find a middle ground that they can both live with or there could be resentment and bitterness down the line.

Valera0466

If they can't compromise and come to an agreement on this they won't be able to do it on the more important things. Women dream of there wedding day from the time they are little girls and she should not have to miss it. At the same time if he would agree to a small intimate wedding she should count her blessing that she will get one. Otherwise I say they may as well call it quits cause they aren't going to make it anyway.

Erin_goBrahScience

Thats not an easy question. I mean a wedding is just the ceremony...the marriage is what matters.

It could be that she "thinks" that he won't compromise on something she feels strongly about and thus where else down the road will this be a problem.

But if she loves this man and wants to be with him, there is a compromise there. The question is does she want the man, or the ceremony?

LittleMissNerdy

I think many people feel there are just 2 ways to get married, in a church or at the court house.

This isn't true though! You can have someone who's Ordained (depending on your state) marry you as well. I actually just married friends of mine in a hotel room in front of 20 people :laugh: So, maybe that's an option? Have a wedding that's still on the small side (maybe 30 people?) but have it somewhere nice. Maybe outdoors? Maybe at a bed and breakfast?

There are many options out there.

_Witsy_

I can see why she is upset...

I didn't want a big wedding. I wanted to take the money and run lol. BUT my husband is the oldest and first to get married on his side so he really wanted to have some sort of wedding cuz he knew how excited his mother was.. My parents didn't care either way, they just wanted us to do what ever we wanted (mother in law did not pressure us either, but we know she had been looking forward to seeing her baby get married for some time).

We cut our wedding down a lot. It was 80 of our family and friends, partying til midnight. It was awesome.

This couple needs to learn compromise. Wanting a wedding doesn't mean that the person just wants to be part of some spectacle....but also may just want to share their special day with others. Not sure why many view this as such a bad thing.

Time for the two to sit down and talk again about this....

Moxie42

I think they should compromise. It sounds like his only reason for not having a wedding is because he thinks their vows should just be between them. If I were in her shoes, I would be willing to have a civil ceremony, but I would want to compromise by still having a reception with family and friends. Maybe it's important to her to have her friends and family around on one of the biggest days of her life. It doesn't have to be huge and extravagant but that way she can still enjoy "traditional" wedding things like a dress and cake. Now, if religious ceremonies are part of her reasoning, that's a different story, and definitely should have been addressed before getting engaged.

ninerbuff

The man usually just rolls with it.

I think all men usually roll with it after marriage. Lol, what other choice do we have?:laugh:

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staceyGO

totally... the only people who are getting married matter but I would be weary if they can't even agree upon that - maybe they shouldn't be getting married in the first place.