Wife gets depressed when I lose weight. What to do?

YAYJules

if she doesnt and wont get off her *kitten*, then she really shouldnt take it out on you, or anyone else, when she loses. I dont take it out on my boyfriend,

Nuts. This did not show up in my post.

Heaven71

Sounds like you need to not share it. Let her do hers and you do yours and not compare. Men seem to lose faster and the bigger you are the faster you lose. If you have more to lose than she does, naturally it comes off faster. I would say, you stop weight watchers and let her do it, you do your weightloss on the sly or with another program. She will never be happy as long as she has a comparison like that.

raystark

Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.

No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!

The pharmaceutical industry loves this point of view as they're responsible for fostering it. Sure, all human processes are chemical based, how obvious. True severe depression may be helped by chemical adjustment but most forms would benefit from adjustments in awareness and from psychological work.

It's quck fix that will not provide a permanent solution vs. addressing underlying cause. Plenty of excellent writings on this if interested.

I am VERY well versed in depression as I have suffered from severe depression for most of my adult life. It is true that there are psychological interventions that help, however the indication that all you have to do is accept reality is bs. My reality is a fantastic life with no merit for being depressed, sometimes the medications prescribed level out the imbalances and allow the body the time it requires to rebalance. I agree that long term use is not a good idea, but it can not always be treated with counselling. or adjustments in awareness. That's like saying someone with an infection doesn't need antibotics, anti depressants are a boost to what is lacking in the body'

Well, you seem to be ignoring the part where I acknowledged there are some cases requiring meds. You seem to be calling bs by assuming your personal situation applies to all. And I'm unclear why not using meds equates to getting no help. I certainly didn't say that. I'm not making anything up and welcome detached disagreement more than personalizing something and discrediting it on that basis.

I am versed in this area although wouldn't leverage that into dismissing other opinions. Excepting your case, of course, depression today is over medicated and the root cause under addressed. By saying that I in no way dismiss the difficulty of individual situations. That said, treating depression is somewhat analogistic to weight loss. The easy, quick fix is for most less effective than addressing the underlying cause and industry profits from the quick fix.

The other thing is if your situation isn't typical, how is it logical to extrapolate it to most?

Whew. Your pedanticism makes the brain hurt. Do you actually talk like this on a daily basis?

tmuster

del

tmuster

You people realize that this is all about biology right? Even two women of the same height and weight will lose at different rates and will lose fat in different parts of their bodies first. Comparing yourself to other people is so destructive to this process!

OP, since you're going to Weight Watchers, could you suggest to the leader on the sly that he/she discuss the differences between men and women losing weight at some point in the near future?

This site is ad heavy but breaks it down nicely...
http://www.shape.com/latest-news-trends/why-men-lose-weight-faster

Because of more muscle mass (just because they're guys), men burn up to 20% more calories than women do per day even at the same height and weight and activity level. They will also burn more calories doing the same exercise. Men also tend to have a lesser reaction to water weight than we do. And of course they don't have to deal with the monthly bloat. All of these, and likely several other factors, all contribute to the reason why men lose weight faster than women. It's just a fact of life...deal with it and stop getting mad for stupid reasons. Use your time and energy to do something more productive instead.


thats a great link. Sent to wife. THanks

tasson

<a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com"><img src="//badges.myfitnesspal.com/badges/show/3539/6404/35396404.weight-lost-sm.gif" border="0"></a><p style="text-align: center;width:226px;"><small>MyFitnessPal - <a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com">Free Calorie Counter</a></small></p>

Have you tried lifting weights with her and doing measurements? Building muscle will help help her burn more calories throughout the day, and she may see better results with measurement. If nothing else, you weigh and she measures. She can't compare.

lorenzoinlr

Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.

No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!

The pharmaceutical industry loves this point of view as they're responsible for fostering it. Sure, all human processes are chemical based, how obvious. True severe depression may be helped by chemical adjustment but most forms would benefit from adjustments in awareness and from psychological work.

It's quck fix that will not provide a permanent solution vs. addressing underlying cause. Plenty of excellent writings on this if interested.

I am VERY well versed in depression as I have suffered from severe depression for most of my adult life. It is true that there are psychological interventions that help, however the indication that all you have to do is accept reality is bs. My reality is a fantastic life with no merit for being depressed, sometimes the medications prescribed level out the imbalances and allow the body the time it requires to rebalance. I agree that long term use is not a good idea, but it can not always be treated with counselling. or adjustments in awareness. That's like saying someone with an infection doesn't need antibotics, anti depressants are a boost to what is lacking in the body'

Well, you seem to be ignoring the part where I acknowledged there are some cases requiring meds. You seem to be calling bs by assuming your personal situation applies to all. And I'm unclear why not using meds equates to getting no help. I certainly didn't say that. I'm not making anything up and welcome detached disagreement more than personalizing something and discrediting it on that basis.

I am versed in this area although wouldn't leverage that into dismissing other opinions. Excepting your case, of course, depression today is over medicated and the root cause under addressed. By saying that I in no way dismiss the difficulty of individual situations. That said, treating depression is somewhat analogistic to weight loss. The easy, quick fix is for most less effective than addressing the underlying cause and industry profits from the quick fix.

The other thing is if your situation isn't typical, how is it logical to extrapolate it to most?

Whew. Your pedanticism makes the brain hurt. Do you actually talk like this on a daily basis?

LOL. If I knew you were tuned in I'd have used cartoons.

mmahair

You are different people, different genders and different sizes. She needs to work at understanding that weight loss for women is different than it is for men. The facts of life will not change, if she can not make peace with them she will always be disappointed. Maybe if she is to compare she should consider comparing her progress to that of other females in the group. She may just discover that she is doing quite well.

SpleenThief

Divorce.

That's just stupid.

He should stay married and gain weight so his wife feels better.

raystark

Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.

No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!

The pharmaceutical industry loves this point of view as they're responsible for fostering it. Sure, all human processes are chemical based, how obvious. True severe depression may be helped by chemical adjustment but most forms would benefit from adjustments in awareness and from psychological work.

It's quck fix that will not provide a permanent solution vs. addressing underlying cause. Plenty of excellent writings on this if interested.

I am VERY well versed in depression as I have suffered from severe depression for most of my adult life. It is true that there are psychological interventions that help, however the indication that all you have to do is accept reality is bs. My reality is a fantastic life with no merit for being depressed, sometimes the medications prescribed level out the imbalances and allow the body the time it requires to rebalance. I agree that long term use is not a good idea, but it can not always be treated with counselling. or adjustments in awareness. That's like saying someone with an infection doesn't need antibotics, anti depressants are a boost to what is lacking in the body'

Well, you seem to be ignoring the part where I acknowledged there are some cases requiring meds. You seem to be calling bs by assuming your personal situation applies to all. And I'm unclear why not using meds equates to getting no help. I certainly didn't say that. I'm not making anything up and welcome detached disagreement more than personalizing something and discrediting it on that basis.

I am versed in this area although wouldn't leverage that into dismissing other opinions. Excepting your case, of course, depression today is over medicated and the root cause under addressed. By saying that I in no way dismiss the difficulty of individual situations. That said, treating depression is somewhat analogistic to weight loss. The easy, quick fix is for most less effective than addressing the underlying cause and industry profits from the quick fix.

The other thing is if your situation isn't typical, how is it logical to extrapolate it to most?

Whew. Your pedanticism makes the brain hurt. Do you actually talk like this on a daily basis?

LOL. If I knew you were tuned in I'd have used cartoons.

raystark

Cartoon gud. :happy:

ldrosophila

Never compare yourself to a man if you are female. Sets you up for some rough time. My fiance lost 4lbs overnight! Just keep encouraging her, telling her she's beautiful, and applaud her for any efforts she makes. If she wants to do this she'll do it but she has to do it for herself.

elisa123gal

i don't agree with spouses pulling each other down.. there are even cases on here where the non dieting spouse tries to derail the other..that is very common. Your wife is being immature and silly and it is unfair to you.

You could ask you wife if she'd prefer each each of you not weigh so the numbers won't bother her or perhaps do not discuss the numbers lost?

Also..we all know men lose way faster then women..it is not like she is any different than the rest of the world.

twoss9112

She HAS gotten off of her *kitten*. She lost 6 lbs in 3 weeks, which speaks to her effort. She is just frustrated that she is unable to pace her husband. It is unfair to imply she is lazy. She may prefer working out with someone closer to her own fitness profile. It might be offputting or intimidating to try and keep up with someone who out performs her fitness. Who is to say she does not work out alone? The scale moved, so she is obviously doing something right.

6 lbs in 3 weeks is GOOD and right on normal pace with healthy weight loss.

Men and women lose differently.
And as someone pointed out, even women vs. women lose differenly.

A few year ago, my best friend and I, who were also roommates at the time, embarked on plans to lose a few. She had more to lose than I did, but still, we went to the gym together and being roommates, we often ate together meaning we ate many of the same things, and we both counted the calories, etc.

She started losing and I lost NOTHING. Not even 1/2 lb. And if really frustrated and depressed me. What worked for her did not work for me, simple as that.

Your wife is doing fine. In fact she's doing better than I. I am not losing, and it IS frustrating, but it takes time and I am ignoring the scale and paying attention to how clothes are fitting etc. Otherwise I frustrate myself.

CorvusCorax77

well. it doesnt make sense when couples become competitive with eachother. Maybe make yourselves a team with a total loss for the both of you. Rejoice in both of your successes.

It might take her longer, but if she sticks with it, it'll work.

Or it might make sense for y'all to keep your individual progress on the DL???

FluroFaye

Her weight loss is perfect and since you're a man you will naturally lose weight faster. I know of a guy who lost 15st in about a year. I don't know of girls who could do the same, chronically obese or not!

I certainly wouldn't stop losing weight or try to decrease the amount you're losing. Show her these posts that plenty of people think she had done an awesome job. 2lbs a week is over a hundred lbs a year!

Also, try and get her strength training. Cardio is great for taking calories away in the short term and boosting endurance but weight lifting (heavy!) will get her burning calories for about a day after and it's a wicked good fat burner.

I suggest taking measurements, too. A lot of the time when we have been good and don't see movement on the scale we will see movement on the measuring tape! I go to Slimming World and whilst it's great support, putting so much emphasis on the numbers on the scale when your image is the most important thing isn't exactly healthy!

susanswan

If she is on here or if you could get her to join independently of you and your thoughts (which are perfectly fine and helpful!) she could meet women her own age and just by being here she can see what is reasonable for herself. The lie is losing 2 pounds a week is ordinary. I lost over 70 pounds and started when I was 49. I was a couch potato and finally had a long talk with myself. Even when I was 100% faithful to my eating plan and exercise plan the best I could do was 1.1 pounds a week over time. I cried. Tears dripped off of my face. I can't compete in the weight loss arena of losing weight quickly. But I've learned a lot about myself and my relationship with food along the way and I still lost 70 pounds the slow way. My husband has been the very same weight give or take 5 pounds since the day I met him. We are all individuals. Our bodies will do what they will do. Best of luck to your wife. She needs her own private peer group where she can go off about your weight loss privately.

heaven137

I wish my husband would learn that. Eating well is the key. I think what you said about wieght watchers is correct. With us we are opposite of the man who posted. I lose wieght, after straying from the path for too long, and excercise so I can wiegh what I wieghed when we were married 20 years ago. Meanwhile my husband has high blood pressure high colesterol and had gained 50 lbs. since marriage. He does not see how all this wieght around his middle is affecting/effecting him. I would love it it we worked together. I would expect him to lose 6 to my every one. Your wife is trying to focus on you to divert attention from her. Stay the course and try not to talk about the wieght as the benefits but rather the increased health and energy from eating well and excercising. I lose only one pound a week and that is all I ever expect. This is a lifetime of maintanance so I figure go slow. I will never be done tracking. It's a lot more rewarding to track one lb. per week then stayed the same or worse gained. Once I lose 10lbs. I will be done losing so the thrill of losing will be over. I will have to track to just not gain. see if she can read these posts instead of you explaining to her.

heaven137

that made me LOL. Thanks!

MrsG2

If she has lost 6 pounds in three weeks she is doing well. That is an average of 2 pounds a week which is exactly the right pace. I think men always tend to lose faster than women.

I agree with others than she needs to compare her results with other women. Everyone loses at a different pace. I actually lose the first 35 pounds quickly but then I slow down so everyone has different experiences.

I would also try being honest with her about how it makes you feel when she doesn't support you. I wouldn't argue, just tell her how you feel and give her time to think about her behavior/remarks so she can process. She may come around.

Good luck! There are no perfect answers here...sorry.

YES!