most emberassing place you've ever audibly farted

aliann30

This is not my story...but I nominate this lady...FTW! Reposted from her site: hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/


Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good. He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a
15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms. We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home. On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.
Then I realized ...

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble. The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard. "Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.

"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out.
The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud.
Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"

"What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you ..." then it hit him.
I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.

"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows.
We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way. He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?"

"Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist. "Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

"I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"

"Okay, are you sure you're ..."

"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours. But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's laying on the couch while I type this ... "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.

This was A-mazing. I don't think my husband could've survived that one.

jross1006

But to the original question, mine was during Married Fun-Time....While my husband was paying special attention to my...ahem! lady business...in an up-close and personal manner...if you get my drift...cuz he sure caught mine! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

hahahahahahaa:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

hph442

chiropractor

JEG2012

This is not my story...but I nominate this lady...FTW! Reposted from her site: hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/


Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good. He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a
15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms. We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home. On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.
Then I realized ...

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble. The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard. "Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.

"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out.
The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud.
Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"

"What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you ..." then it hit him.
I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.

"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows.
We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way. He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?"

"Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist. "Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

"I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"

"Okay, are you sure you're ..."

"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours. But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's laying on the couch while I type this ... "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.

My absolute favorite story by far!!!! And I feel for this lady!!!

My most embarrassing was when I was in fifth grade...I had gas buildup and a cold!!! We all know that doesn't go together at all!!!! Well, I started coughing and coughing. Finally I coughed so hard a couple slipped out. The boy behind me said ewww!!!! You farted!!! Really loudly. Well...I told him, "you try holding them in when you cough that hard!!" He looked at me like I was insane..that I should have been more embarrassed because I was called out on it. I was truly embarrassed but I wasn't going to let him know:blushing: :laugh: :laugh:

I was crying this was so funny. FTW!!!

I am sitting at my desk.... tears rolling down my face ... and laughing like crazy .... thanks for a super Thursday morning!!!

now_or_never13

Oh, and by the way, TEACHERS are NOT in classes to teach YOUR CHILD "manners and respect, etc.". They are there to teach classes. It is the PARENTS who teach manners. It is the PARENTS who teach respect. If YOU don't do that, there is NOTHING a teacher can do to make it happen FOR you. So teach your own child manners. Teach your own child to respect others and themselves. You'll be doing him or her a favor. After all, most teachers see a child between 4 and 8 hours a week for about 36 weeks. That is a total of 134 to 268 hours a YEAR and if you count ALL the time the kid spends in school, that comes up to only 1260 hours. The other 7,506 hours belong to YOU, hon. No way any teacher or group of teachers can compete with that or make a difference in what a kid learns by example in the 86% of time you have him/her in your control.

Teachers can encourage and cajole, but they can't do something you don't do first... with all due respect.
[/quote]



If I could start a standing ovation for this . . . I would. I you
[/quote]

Agreed!!

There are parents out there that think it's the teacher's job to teach their child everything about life.

I applaud all teachers... I have seen how children can be and how their parents think that their child is a sweet angel.

Aello11

Laughing my *kitten* off and like most of the readers have tears running down my face....

now you yeah you --- come here pull my finger :happy:

jennmodugno

In karate class, after we warm up and stretch a bit, we sit in a line and meditate. Complete silence, and everyone is supposed to be super serious. Well, after waking up my body I'm ALWAYS a little gassy, but mostly it's just silent and odorless. Recently I had eaten a burrito later than normal, not long before class. We were sitting in line, on our knees, in a gym, silently trying to find "inner calm." And suddenly, without any warning at all, I let out a HUGE one. It reverberated in the gym, and stank horribly, and the whole line dissolved into helpless laughter. Needless to say, were were all given twenty pushups for laughing in line.

ec143810

This is not my story...but I nominate this lady...FTW! Reposted from her site: hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/


Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good. He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a
15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms. We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home. On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.
Then I realized ...

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble. The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard. "Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.

"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out.
The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud.
Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"

"What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you ..." then it hit him.
I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.

"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows.
We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way. He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?"

"Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist. "Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

"I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"

"Okay, are you sure you're ..."

"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours. But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's laying on the couch while I type this ... "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.

This was A-mazing. I don't think my husband could've survived that one.

Oh my god... I just laughed so freaking hard, I'm crying! Sitting in my college's public library, surrounded by like 50 people, most of them staring at the fat girl who can't laugh quietly....Crying and laughing. Pretty sure the librarian is coming this way to ask me to leave but god, that made my day.

JusticeGirl25

I went to a chiropractor and as he was adjusting my back, I cut a fart. I was so embarassed. I don't know how many times I apologized to him, but he laughed it off and said it happens more often than you believe (find it hard to believe)

llama_sammich

I should never have openned this thread - I'm laughing so hard they are going to know Im not actually working. Taxes are not this funny.

Exactly where I'm at, brah... The price of tiles is suddenly hilarious >>

Mine wasn't so much audible as....completely rank. I was in an adult store with my friend and there was a dude in there, right near us when it slipped out. The creepy thing was, he was waiting for us in his truck when we came out, trying to talk to us

Valerie_Malone

I think farting is contagious. A couple of friends and I went out to dinner, back when we were in our early 20's. Then after dinner we decided to go next door to a Hallmark, someone needed a card for something. Well someone said something funny, then my friend started laughing, then she started farting at the same time. She couldn't control herself and she was trying to stand in different positions, crossing her legs, but she couldn't stop farting, it just kept going, like the energizer bunny. The more she farted the harder she would laugh, which caused her to fart more. I was laughing so hard that I started farting. Needless to say we didn't get a card and had to leave because of my friends uncontrolable farts.

tuckerrj

While straining to stand up from the communion rail at church. I'm pretty sure God forgave me!

placeboaddiction

This one wasn't as much embarrassing as it was epic.

I was at a podcast expo, i love to entertain so when i quit music during school I did podcasting, in california. These expos are just huge drinking parties.

I was on, i think, day 3 of a drinking binge. Woke up at 7AM, started drinking. Didn't stop til 4AM (After some in-n-out, man those are good). There were huge parties at night. I went to one sponsored by some software.. i forget which... Anyway, hotel double room is where the party is stationed. Place is wall to wall with people. In one room body painting was happening, in the other general drinking and conversation.

I was in a place, i believe between both rooms, and it happen. A 3 day drinking binge fart. It was a horner and deadly. It smelt worse than anything I've ever smelt. The smell didn't go away either. It just lingered. I killed a happening party with flatulence. My co-podcaster didn't know about it til 2 years later... He didn't know it was me... Epic.

amandapye78

i haven't done it BUT when my 3 yr old flew off the back of the couch and broke her arm, we were sitting in a room in the orthopedists office behind a curtain and My husband let one rip really loud and we heard a lot of giggles coming from the other room and then a lady said " dude you are really making this kid laugh" there was an 11 yr old boy in the room with his dad. It was sooo funny and horribly embarrassing to me.

LovelyLaura2321

In college - walking in a hallway outside the library where EVERYTHING ECHOES... my crush at the time was directly behind me. I was so self-conscious because we were basically the only two people there. I was sick and coughed, and let out the biggest fart ever, which echoed ... SO EMBARRASSING

Kootiequeen

I was watching the Graham Norton show and he was talking about a friend of his who played Elphaba in Wicked on the West End. Well anyway they were at this building in line to see Dolly Parton and all of a sudden his friend put up her hands and says "Pause for a fart" and she let out a big one.

Onperch

Thank you posters....This is the funniest thread ever !

I have to share one on behalf of my younger sister. She had to grow up in a house full of males.
Poor girl. Nobody ever babied her.

Anyway, her and I were walking through the local superstore and she was right behind me. We were walking
past the ends of all the aisles looking for the one that she needed. Just as we arrived at her desired aisle....
I ripped a giant noisemaker that I had been holding in for far too long. It could be heard for MANY aisles. It may as well
have been broadcast through a loudspeaker.

Since I was just ahead of her, she was now centered in the end of the aisle that she wanted to walk into. I was hidden by the shelving. In the middle of the aisle was a now horrified man that couldn't believe the sound that presumably just came out of this little 5 foot and change girl of 20 some years.

She was frozen with that deer in the headlights look and he just couldn't believe his eyes. Neither one moved for a while.

Ahhhh.... the things that a poor girl has to suffer at the hands of her brothers and father.

HiKaren

In Church!!
:laugh:

Rado_SVK

Im not going to tell mine but this is going to make you laugh :laugh:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvwbA5xYsk4

mcflat29

Thank you posters....This is the funniest thread ever !

I have to share one on behalf of my younger sister. She had to grow up in a house full of males.
Poor girl. Nobody ever babied her.

Anyway, her and I were walking through the local superstore and she was right behind me. We were walking
past the ends of all the aisles looking for the one that she needed. Just as we arrived at her desired aisle....
I ripped a giant noisemaker that I had been holding in for far too long. It could be heard for MANY aisles. It may as well
have been broadcast through a loudspeaker.

Since I was just ahead of her, she was now centered in the end of the aisle that she wanted to walk into. I was hidden by the shelving. In the middle of the aisle was a now horrified man that couldn't believe the sound that presumably just came out of this little 5 foot and change girl of 20 some years.

She was frozen with that deer in the headlights look and he just couldn't believe his eyes. Neither one moved for a while.

Ahhhh.... the things that a poor girl has to suffer at the hands of her brothers and father.

Oh if I had a dollar for the number of times my dad and brothers have done this to me... Now I shout, "Nice one, DAD"