Am I being unrealistic?

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  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
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    If you had a daughter and she came to you with this scenario - what advice would you give her?

    Why isn't that advice right for you?
  • Velum_cado
    Velum_cado Posts: 1,608 Member
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    DTMFA
  • pseudomuffin
    pseudomuffin Posts: 1,058 Member
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    Oh God your boyfriend sounds like my ex husband to a T, nonexistent hygiene, socially and financially controlling/emotional manipulation,and the total distance and lack of respect. Get out of that relationship as fast as you can, even if you have to stay with a friend for a while.

    Believe me, the sooner the better. My ex only got worse over time, he was eight years older than me, I dated him through high school and was married to him through college. It totally devolved into him being drunk when he wasn't at work, and me trying to hold a job, go to school, and play mommy/housewife to him until I couldn't take it anymore and contemplated suicide to get out.
  • DoingitWell
    DoingitWell Posts: 560 Member
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    Even if this is a troll post, I have a serious question.

    I have a job AND a car. I brush my teeth twice a day and shower once a day. I have lost 60lbs in the last two years. Why can't I find a girlfriend?

    Because some women like men with problems they can try to fix. Fake a drug problem, women will swarm you or pretend helpless...women will swarm you.
  • jzebracki
    jzebracki Posts: 112 Member
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    Your post is really a cry for help for YOU. Go to your college counselor. Work out a plan and get out of this relationship as fast as you can. You deserve better than that, and you can get better than that. Somehow you think you are better off with him (someone) than without him (no one). I am sorry you don't have any parents or siblings who can help, so you have to turn to yourself and help yourself. Take charge and don't take any more abuse - and this is abuse. You have to realize this and take swift action.
  • BuffyEat2Live
    BuffyEat2Live Posts: 327 Member
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    WOW, my boyfriend pays most bills while I am in college, under the understanding that when I graduate from law school it will be payback time! :bigsmile:

    In my humble opinion, you are being used. He is making you pay for his paying the bills? I'd rather get a job and take longer to get my degree than deal with that kind of stuff. A partner should lift you up during this time and know that school is a full time job, too, just not one that you get paid for.

    I can't advise you to "leave the pig" as others have, because I know how hard long term relationships can be sometimes, and how easy it is to focus on only the bad things during the rough times. All I can say is that based on what you've said about how he's treating you, you have every right to stand up for yourself. SAY SOMETHING.

    You don't deserve to be walked all over just because he's paying the bills.
  • LouiseH238
    LouiseH238 Posts: 199 Member
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    It does sound like he might be depressed. But you cannot fix his depression. Your mental health has to come first, and you're clearly unhappy (and with good reason, because he is not treating you kindly.) You are worth more than he seems to be putting into this relationship.

    Unfortunately, until you have a clean record it seems it might be hard for you to be able to support yourself. So here is what I would do; it takes 6 months to get your record clean, so plan for six months ahead. Have a long talk with your boyfriend - if you feel safe in doing this* - and explain why you are unhappy and what you would like to work with him to change. Set a plan and stick to it. See if he keeps it up. If he doesn't, then in six months time, when you have more options available, get yourself a job. If nothing changes then, then make plans to get your own place and get out of there.

    *and if you don't feel safe in doing this, then you have some much bigger questions you need to ask yourself, and it might be time to look into shelters in your area.
  • Tennolina
    Tennolina Posts: 2,413
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    I... can't. I just.... can't. Omg.
  • SoViLicious
    SoViLicious Posts: 2,633 Member
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    I hope it's not a troll post I had to work very hard on my response. I even got a FR from it.
  • gypsyrose64
    gypsyrose64 Posts: 271 Member
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    If this post is for real, please consider ALL your options. Whether it's a woman's shelter, a friend, a distant relative, a church, etc. This man sounds like a ticking time bomb. I think people who cannot control their own bad habits can sometimes put all their energy controlling someone else. His life is out of control personally, so keeping tabs on you and isolating you is his way of giving himself a false sense of security. Depression isn't an excuse for what he's doing.

    You are afraid for good reason... that's your gut talking. Even if you have to put college on hold, get help and get out of that. You will be his SLAVE as long as you make the choice to stay in that role. It's no way to live. Don't let fear convince you that you don't have OPTIONS or a way out. Search for it.... Find it.....carefully plan it.....DO IT!!
  • _Timmeh_
    _Timmeh_ Posts: 2,096 Member
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    Does he have a mullet?
  • nornas42
    nornas42 Posts: 73 Member
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    He might be depressed, or he might just be a slob. :/

    I would run away, as hard and fast as you can. If you don't have friends you can stay with, then I think you could go to a women's shelter. His controlling behavior is worrying and time will more than likely make it worse. I can completely sympathize with the tough job market.... my fiance is financially dependant on me... but I make all money decisions about US, not me having the privilage of spending money and choose where it goes. Its not a fair set-up.

    Good for you for getting your life straightened out... you're in tough spot, but I'm sure you can make it through without him. You can stand on your own. Find someone who can help you, even if its in food banks, food stamps, and housing assistance. Take care of you.
  • kellybeam
    kellybeam Posts: 22
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    Nothing personal...but hygiene aside....the controlling issues alone would make me leave. Not only may he be depressed, he seems insecure to the level of complete unhealthiness. He needs help and he will never change until he comes to terms with these issues on his own. In the meantime, you need to put your focus on your own well being and move on for your own safety and happiness.
  • BeccaBollons
    BeccaBollons Posts: 652 Member
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    :flowerforyou:
    Sometimes people with depression don't even realize there is a problem (no matter how obvious it seems.) Maybe you need to bring it up to him. But if he doesn't want help you can't help him. Tell him he needs to get help or you won't be there anymore.

    This is very true (an oxymoron I know!)
    Depression is prevalent in my close family, and it is SO HARD to live with someone who doesn't even recognise that their behaviour is not acceptable. If you can get him out for a walk with you every day it may help. I know lots of people on here have only noticed the eww factor of your post, not everyone I know. But it sounds like your bf needs help. Does he have any family that could get him out doing something? If he has a good day, grab it with both hands, go out, do something active, and talk to each other. I do feel for you and hope things pick up soon
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
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    So, um, your abusive boyfriend works in IT, is overly controlling, and you don't get to leave the house. Do you think he might, maybe, just possibly, be able to find what you post online? Hmmmm.....
  • lyndabraczynski
    lyndabraczynski Posts: 53
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    I am so sorry to hear your situation. All I can add is a bit of advice. Have you thought of going to school? Even if community college, you may be able to get into a work program on campus to aid with your living expenses. The only way to help your boyfriend is to be able to take care of yourself first. I am a mom and now a grandma I currently have a bachelors degree in accounting and a good job. It was not always that way. I was a young single mother at one time in a very bad situation I turned things around by getting an education and putting myself in a situation to force a change in my life. You can do it.
  • ChristiH4000
    ChristiH4000 Posts: 531 Member
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    You are not being unrealistic. Relationships are made of compromise and that has nothing to do with who pays for what. He's throwing red flags up everywhere. Tread carefully while you must and give some serious thought to getting out of this relationship or at the very least getting into some counseling.
  • blueimp
    blueimp Posts: 230 Member
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    If this type of lifestyle and behavior is not a deal breaker for you...I am curious as to what would be.

    Here is a question I ask people when they are faced with relationship issues which is this:

    "If you had a daughter, would you want your daughter going out or being with a guy like this?" Would you set a good friend up with a guy like this on a date?"

    If the answer is "No", then why do you accept less for yourself?

    What she said.
    If he is depressed, he needs to take responsbility; you've tried to help, you can't do more.
    Don't do this to yourself and don't allow him to do it to you. You are worth way more than this.
  • thebuxompilgrim
    thebuxompilgrim Posts: 53 Member
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    I've transcribed sessions for a psychologist and based on what I've heard about lack of personal care, excess clutter, lack of motivation to do ANYTHING, I'd say (at a minimum) he is suffering from depression. Based on the the other, more controlling (read: scary) aspects you shared about his personality, I'd suspect he's dealing with other, more serious (read: dangerous) psychological issues. For your safety and well-being, please take the nearest exit. If you don't have friends or family to help you, there are organizations that can help. Please don't let fear stop you because this will only get worse.
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
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    You need professional help before this escalates, not the advice of random punters on the internet.

    If it does escalate: http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/GettingHelp.php

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