Am I being unrealistic?
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If you had a daughter and she came to you with this scenario - what advice would you give her?
Why isn't that advice right for you?0 -
DTMFA0
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Oh God your boyfriend sounds like my ex husband to a T, nonexistent hygiene, socially and financially controlling/emotional manipulation,and the total distance and lack of respect. Get out of that relationship as fast as you can, even if you have to stay with a friend for a while.
Believe me, the sooner the better. My ex only got worse over time, he was eight years older than me, I dated him through high school and was married to him through college. It totally devolved into him being drunk when he wasn't at work, and me trying to hold a job, go to school, and play mommy/housewife to him until I couldn't take it anymore and contemplated suicide to get out.0 -
Even if this is a troll post, I have a serious question.
I have a job AND a car. I brush my teeth twice a day and shower once a day. I have lost 60lbs in the last two years. Why can't I find a girlfriend?
Because some women like men with problems they can try to fix. Fake a drug problem, women will swarm you or pretend helpless...women will swarm you.0 -
Your post is really a cry for help for YOU. Go to your college counselor. Work out a plan and get out of this relationship as fast as you can. You deserve better than that, and you can get better than that. Somehow you think you are better off with him (someone) than without him (no one). I am sorry you don't have any parents or siblings who can help, so you have to turn to yourself and help yourself. Take charge and don't take any more abuse - and this is abuse. You have to realize this and take swift action.0
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WOW, my boyfriend pays most bills while I am in college, under the understanding that when I graduate from law school it will be payback time! :bigsmile:
In my humble opinion, you are being used. He is making you pay for his paying the bills? I'd rather get a job and take longer to get my degree than deal with that kind of stuff. A partner should lift you up during this time and know that school is a full time job, too, just not one that you get paid for.
I can't advise you to "leave the pig" as others have, because I know how hard long term relationships can be sometimes, and how easy it is to focus on only the bad things during the rough times. All I can say is that based on what you've said about how he's treating you, you have every right to stand up for yourself. SAY SOMETHING.
You don't deserve to be walked all over just because he's paying the bills.0 -
It does sound like he might be depressed. But you cannot fix his depression. Your mental health has to come first, and you're clearly unhappy (and with good reason, because he is not treating you kindly.) You are worth more than he seems to be putting into this relationship.
Unfortunately, until you have a clean record it seems it might be hard for you to be able to support yourself. So here is what I would do; it takes 6 months to get your record clean, so plan for six months ahead. Have a long talk with your boyfriend - if you feel safe in doing this* - and explain why you are unhappy and what you would like to work with him to change. Set a plan and stick to it. See if he keeps it up. If he doesn't, then in six months time, when you have more options available, get yourself a job. If nothing changes then, then make plans to get your own place and get out of there.
*and if you don't feel safe in doing this, then you have some much bigger questions you need to ask yourself, and it might be time to look into shelters in your area.0 -
I... can't. I just.... can't. Omg.0
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I hope it's not a troll post I had to work very hard on my response. I even got a FR from it.0
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If this post is for real, please consider ALL your options. Whether it's a woman's shelter, a friend, a distant relative, a church, etc. This man sounds like a ticking time bomb. I think people who cannot control their own bad habits can sometimes put all their energy controlling someone else. His life is out of control personally, so keeping tabs on you and isolating you is his way of giving himself a false sense of security. Depression isn't an excuse for what he's doing.
You are afraid for good reason... that's your gut talking. Even if you have to put college on hold, get help and get out of that. You will be his SLAVE as long as you make the choice to stay in that role. It's no way to live. Don't let fear convince you that you don't have OPTIONS or a way out. Search for it.... Find it.....carefully plan it.....DO IT!!0 -
Does he have a mullet?0
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He might be depressed, or he might just be a slob.
I would run away, as hard and fast as you can. If you don't have friends you can stay with, then I think you could go to a women's shelter. His controlling behavior is worrying and time will more than likely make it worse. I can completely sympathize with the tough job market.... my fiance is financially dependant on me... but I make all money decisions about US, not me having the privilage of spending money and choose where it goes. Its not a fair set-up.
Good for you for getting your life straightened out... you're in tough spot, but I'm sure you can make it through without him. You can stand on your own. Find someone who can help you, even if its in food banks, food stamps, and housing assistance. Take care of you.0 -
Nothing personal...but hygiene aside....the controlling issues alone would make me leave. Not only may he be depressed, he seems insecure to the level of complete unhealthiness. He needs help and he will never change until he comes to terms with these issues on his own. In the meantime, you need to put your focus on your own well being and move on for your own safety and happiness.0
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:flowerforyou:Sometimes people with depression don't even realize there is a problem (no matter how obvious it seems.) Maybe you need to bring it up to him. But if he doesn't want help you can't help him. Tell him he needs to get help or you won't be there anymore.
This is very true (an oxymoron I know!)
Depression is prevalent in my close family, and it is SO HARD to live with someone who doesn't even recognise that their behaviour is not acceptable. If you can get him out for a walk with you every day it may help. I know lots of people on here have only noticed the eww factor of your post, not everyone I know. But it sounds like your bf needs help. Does he have any family that could get him out doing something? If he has a good day, grab it with both hands, go out, do something active, and talk to each other. I do feel for you and hope things pick up soon0 -
So, um, your abusive boyfriend works in IT, is overly controlling, and you don't get to leave the house. Do you think he might, maybe, just possibly, be able to find what you post online? Hmmmm.....0
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I am so sorry to hear your situation. All I can add is a bit of advice. Have you thought of going to school? Even if community college, you may be able to get into a work program on campus to aid with your living expenses. The only way to help your boyfriend is to be able to take care of yourself first. I am a mom and now a grandma I currently have a bachelors degree in accounting and a good job. It was not always that way. I was a young single mother at one time in a very bad situation I turned things around by getting an education and putting myself in a situation to force a change in my life. You can do it.0
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You are not being unrealistic. Relationships are made of compromise and that has nothing to do with who pays for what. He's throwing red flags up everywhere. Tread carefully while you must and give some serious thought to getting out of this relationship or at the very least getting into some counseling.0
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If this type of lifestyle and behavior is not a deal breaker for you...I am curious as to what would be.
Here is a question I ask people when they are faced with relationship issues which is this:
"If you had a daughter, would you want your daughter going out or being with a guy like this?" Would you set a good friend up with a guy like this on a date?"
If the answer is "No", then why do you accept less for yourself?
What she said.
If he is depressed, he needs to take responsbility; you've tried to help, you can't do more.
Don't do this to yourself and don't allow him to do it to you. You are worth way more than this.0 -
I've transcribed sessions for a psychologist and based on what I've heard about lack of personal care, excess clutter, lack of motivation to do ANYTHING, I'd say (at a minimum) he is suffering from depression. Based on the the other, more controlling (read: scary) aspects you shared about his personality, I'd suspect he's dealing with other, more serious (read: dangerous) psychological issues. For your safety and well-being, please take the nearest exit. If you don't have friends or family to help you, there are organizations that can help. Please don't let fear stop you because this will only get worse.0
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You need professional help before this escalates, not the advice of random punters on the internet.
If it does escalate: http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/GettingHelp.php0 -
I can tell you that I worked through college with a 1.5 year old to support - you can rent a small studio, figure it out and move on. This is sooooo disgusting, I would not be able to bear looking at him, let along have a relationship/live with or clean up after him.0
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I get that you might love him and that you really wanna help him, but at this state, I really think that you helping him would break you and I'm not confident about him changing. Just leave. And if you think you would hurt him even more, remember the first rule of first aid and apply it on this psychical help too - ALWAYS protect you first and then help others. You are the most important thing in the world. Because at the end of a day, no matters who says what, who leaves you, who comes... you are with yourself all the time. And you are the only person in the world that you cannot leave. So make yourself what you wanna be and if you can't help someone who is killing you, don't think of helping him. Think of helping you.
And if you think it's really bad (and it seems so) and you really wanna help him, send some specialist to his place. But I doubt there's anything you could do for him alone. Just help yourself first.
Good luck, sweetie.0 -
Honestly, I think you already know what you need/have to do here. I know it's easier when everyone else agrees. My question is: what do your RL friends say? I can't imagine living like that, that sounds horribly disgusting!
I do not want to sound mean or rude, but it shocks me sometimes what people will put up with in their lives when they love someone. Sorry, but it's time to make him grow up, and being on his own may make him grow up and be a man.0 -
If he is indeed depressed and with very low self esteem leading to his control and paranoia then he needs to get these sorted. But he needs to get these sorted on his own.
I second what someone else recommend about talking to your college counselor or similar, and do it soon. You have described a downward spiral with him having increasing control over everything you do.
How long before you can't leave the house?
How long before he monitors your computer use 'in case you meet someone' ?
You need to get out and get out soon while you have the bottle and still believe you are worth more than the restrictive existence you have at the moment.
What ever you do, make sure someone you trust knows of your plans and do what you can to keep yourself safe.
Any well done by the way for having the motivation to keep on with your course and not be too depressed yourself!!0 -
if it was me, i'd stick it out at least 6 months when you can get a job and then i'd save up money. Knowing how i am, i would wait a year until i got my finances in order along with a job and transportation and found a nicely priced apartment. IF possible, stick it out until you graduate, yeah your situation is VERY bad. but with a degree and a good salary plus the money you saved up from a regular job you can do well on your own. before you graduate, you could write him a "thank you for letting me stay here, but it's time for me to go" check and say that you were growing apart for awhile now and wanted it to work but unfortunately it isnt going to because the way he acts toward his ex seems like he is still caught up on her and other crap like that which he might buy into. like how you thought over time he would forget about her so he could have a future with you but since he isnt doing that then you two don't have the same long term goals (insert other crap here). :smokin:0
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I didn't read the whole post but a good chunk of it, but maybe he is just a dirty person? o.O Just because people are messy doesn't mean they are depressed lol0
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Ooooh, just read the last part >.> how controlling he is
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Why the actual *kitten* is he your boyfriend...?0
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if it means putting college on hold while you find a job (i promise there are jobs out there that don't require a background check) and make some money, it's worth it to not be with him anymore. obviously you know you shouldn't be with him. you said nothing in the post about wanting to stay with him except that he pays for stuff. if it's that terrible, the money isn't worth it.0
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And to add... Where is your mother that you spoke about in previous posts? Where is the brother you mentioned? What happened in the last month with your boyfriend as in Jan you posted that you are happy and you are lucky... now this??? You also pointed out in a previous post that you want to lose weight and be happier/healthier so when your son who you gave up for adoption meets you in the future he won't be ashamed of you. If this post is real, get out now so you have the chance to meet your son in the future. And on your profile you have that you work 35 hours a week. Get out while you can.
My mother is and always has been abusive. I havent spoke to her in over a year. My brother lives on base for the airforce in NC. Happy go lucky? I love my schooling. I love working out. I try to be positive but I never remember saying, "my boyfriend is so nice!"0
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