Am I being insensitive to my over weight friend?

MinnieInMaine

I agree with the advice to say "please don't talk about my friend that way" when she is bashing herself. If she continues then maybe think about having a more serious conversation about how her self bashing really bums you out because you think she's a great person for x, y, z reasons.

As many others have already said, and you've obviously already realized, there's not really anything you can do to motivate her. I was that overweight friend for many years and although my friend offered help and I took her up on it a few times, it took for me to get to the right place to really get this weight loss thing started. You can't do that for her, she has to do it for herself. Just let her know you're there for her when she's ready.

As for her bashing you, that's going to require a conversation too. Politely ask her to stop and let her know it bothers you/hurts your feelings. She might get ticked off but you're obviously getting ticked off by her insults and have every right to stand up for yourself. Don't let her continue to manipulate you. And if she does continue, well I'd had to start reconsidering the friendship.

dmpizza

I tend to see the worst in peoples' motives.

My Grandmother used to say "No one tells you to wash your face so you will look better than they do".

Your friend would prefer you gave it up and fattened up like her for the simple reason that it is easier for her and she would feel better about herself.

You shouldn't end your friendship, but you might consider expanding your circle.

Rhonnie

Just say that she told you she was happy how she was and you left her alone, now you want to tell her that you are happy they way you are so she needs to leave you alone.

taylorckt1

Pray for her...everyone reaches their point (to make changes) at different times and sometimes they need US to shut up and justl ead by example...do share with her that you don't like it when she puts herself down or makes unhealthy choices around you and you won't participate in that but it should stop there. Also, tell her that is offensive to you when she makes a joke of what you are doing. Explain that friends should be there to support one another and if you all are to remain freinds, that is the expectation.

Hope all goes well..I understand what you are going through.

MaryRegs

Bite your tongue, lead by example

THIS^^^^^

jkestens63

Funny how she hates you to comment on her weight but she does that to you. So why give her permission to do it to you? A real friend doesn't drag another friend down. I would seriously , next time she makes a snide remark say something like" alright enough about my weight, I'm healthy and fit, so don't get me started on you" or be straight up and tell her " look you don't like me to comment on your weight, so why do you feel the need to comment on my healthy life style? I don't understand."

Perfect!! Eveyone MYOB when it comes to weight.

anthonyzuc

Yeah but if its worth the fight then do it

shelaneydae

The truth hurts. Some people need help to realize it. Put on a presentation. Run over the conversation a few times in your head. And tell her whats up. Only go through with it all if you're willing to help her the whole way. Just be completely realistic about the whole thing.

bregalad5

I made excuses for YEARS as I slowly put on 100+ pounds.

-I'm muscly under all the fat (which is partly true - apparently I've never looked like I weigh as much as I do).

-I'm healthy. I had a tiny problem for a little bit with my blood pressure, but leaving my high-stress job made that go back to normal.

-I have bad knees (as you can see from the knee braces in my profile picture) and fibromyalgia, two ready-made excuses. I can't always do hours at the gym, because my body can't always handle it, and sometimes certain things (like lunges and squats - I try to do them but I struggle) make my knees go CRUNCH! For example, the other day at the gym I had to stop mid-workout to ice my knee so it wouldn't swell up like a basketball... But hey, I'm at least active, and not on disability, which I could probably get on if I wanted to. That's good enough, right? RIGHT?!

I know that friend because I was her. Some days I still slip into that mentality. Other days I honestly can't do much because of my knees or fibro. But, I also know damn well that I'm worth more than that and I try to make up for it on my good days. Having a super active job helps, because I'm forced to move even on days where I would normally lay around and moan that I hurt from my fibro.

I can't tell you how to get her started. For me, it was moving to Italy... unless you want to pay for her to live in Rome for a few months to kick-start her weight loss, I'm not sure what to tell you. Just know a lot of us were that person, and finally something inside our heads clicked and we realized we're worth more than the life we've been living

Debbe2

I have a huge problem. My best friend is greatly over weight and she keeps insisting that she's happy with her weight and when she really wants to loose it she will. She's constantly reminising about the days she was skinny and thin and pretty and putting herself down but when I suggest that she do something about it she gets all defensive. I don't try to motivate her anymore because she takes it as a personal attack so instead I just try to be as healthy as possible around her so that she might see what i'm doing and be motivated that way. HOWEVER, she is always making fun of my "healthy lifestlye" and taking stabs about how much I workout and eat healthy and sometimes I just want to say " you know what, you're projecting because you're over weight and i'm sick of it. Loose some weight and maybe you won't feel so gross all the time." But that would be mean and I couldn't do that to her. I cant talk to her about it because everytime I do she gets angry with me What can I do?

You're being a great friend, both to yourself and to your best friend! I admire that! :flowerforyou:

smantha32

Yeah I have a friend who has gotten pretty big. She needs to lose 200 pounds easy. She won't even walk around the grocery store. She grabs a handicap scooter.
She's always griping about how terrible she feels, and how awful it is that she can't even walk the distance around the store, so I said "So do something about it then."

She just got upset with me. I suppose she will one day, but it sucks to continuously hear *****ing from people who won't make the effort to change.

calibriintx

Tell her that making fun of your physical activity and eating habits doesn't make you feel any better than if you were to make fun of her for being sedentary and stuffing her face. Assuming you want to remain friends with her, you may want to think of a nicer way to say it. Either way, that should shut her up.

cubbies77

Gotta say I'm kinda shocked at how many people could roll over on a best friend when the going gets tough..... I could never live with myself!

All we suggested is that the OP tell her that her jibes at the OP's healthy lifestyle are just as hurtful. Nobody suggested just up and dumping her. I don't see anything wrong with telling a friend their comments are hurtful.

cubbies77

Bite your tongue, lead by example.

^ Another for this. Just understand that she is the one with the problem. You have moved on. Take solace in that, and she may or may not eventually come around. It's up to her.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd another for this.

When I was 387lbs, nobody could tell me anything and I would just get pissed off even if people tried to "help" in a nice way. It will just create a rift in the friendship. When I finally decided to get on the horse and get going was when I was ready and only then. I'm holding at 240 now and still have another 50 and have been messin around again - and again when people try to "advise" or "motivate" me I get pissed off LOL. Meanwhile my bestie went from wearing size L to size S - she motivates me and doesn't have to say anything. If i ask, she helps, otherwise seeing what she is doing is more than enough

It sounds like the OP was simply responding to her friend's complaints. When someone complains, there's often an urge to help that person since you care about them. Some people just want to complain and not do anything about it, though, and at that point, there's nothing anyone can do.

OP - if your friend complains about her weight again, change the subject. If she continues complaining and starts to drag you down for your healthy choices, call her out on it. I know you really want to help her, but it sounds like she's just going to keep attacking you whenever you suggest going to the gym together or helping her make better food choices in response to her complaints. Perhaps, with some time and distance, she'll come around and ask you for guidance. If not, that's really sad, but sometimes it's necessary to put some distance between yourself and a toxic friend.

I wouldn't respond to her complaints with, "But you're so pretty/awesome/kind!" She obviously has low self-esteem, and the more you respond like that, the more attention she's getting. It doesn't fix the problem. She'll learn to start fishing for compliments that make up for being heavy and won't change. Then it will start all over again the day or two later when her happy feelings wear off. I know because I was that person for many years.

MissesForrester

MISERY LOVES COMPANY...... YOU SHOULD JUST LET HER KNOW IF U CANT TALK TO HER ABOUT HER WEIGHT, THEN SHE CANT TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOURS. YOU GUYS ARE FREINDS, SO SHE SHOULD RESPECT THAT. AND IF SHE DOESNT THEN SHE SHOULD HAVE OUT WITH PPL THAT HAVE SIMILIAR EATING HABITS TO HERS.

glovepuppet

When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.

i'm anti this. it rewards her negativity and actually encourages people to put themselves down.
i say give her all those compliments, but not when she's putting herself down.
ignore the negativiy. it thrives on attention.

we're all pavlov's dogs!

No, it really doesn't. It's called reframing. Also, the idea is to find out why this person believes that she needs to be negative to get attention. A person who is always down on her or himself might be doing it for attention, sure, but there is something driving that behavior and thought process that would have to be examined.

Calling attention to the person's good points and talking those up might actually help to change the person's self-concept - but rote behaviorism is only half (or more likely a quarter) of the solution.

Rolled up newspaper indeed.

I tend more towards wanting to keep them from whining around me than trying to 'fix' people. But I freely admit to being cold. I know that my approach means I never have to put up with it.

khall86790

There isn't much you can do. I used to be that girl and until she decides to do something about it herself, there isn't anything you can do.
You will inevitably hurt her feelings if you say anything, so it's if you feel you have a strong enough bond that she will forgive you for giving her a stern talking to over it.

cubbies77

I tend more towards wanting to keep them from whining around me than trying to 'fix' people. But I freely admit to being cold. I know that my approach means I never have to put up with it.

Ditto. After hearing the same complaint over and over, knowing they aren't going to do a darn thing about it, I stop listening and stop caring. I refuse to spend anymore energy on someone who isn't going to change their situation. I've drifted from quite a few friends because of this, and to be honest, it's a relief not to have to put up with that anymore. In some cases, it went on for years.

glovepuppet

Bite your tongue, lead by example.

^ Another for this. Just understand that she is the one with the problem. You have moved on. Take solace in that, and she may or may not eventually come around. It's up to her.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd another for this.

When I was 387lbs, nobody could tell me anything and I would just get pissed off even if people tried to "help" in a nice way. It will just create a rift in the friendship. When I finally decided to get on the horse and get going was when I was ready and only then. I'm holding at 240 now and still have another 50 and have been messin around again - and again when people try to "advise" or "motivate" me I get pissed off LOL. Meanwhile my bestie went from wearing size L to size S - she motivates me and doesn't have to say anything. If i ask, she helps, otherwise seeing what she is doing is more than enough

It sounds like the OP was simply responding to her friend's complaints. When someone complains, there's often an urge to help that person since you care about them. Some people just want to complain and not do anything about it, though, and at that point, there's nothing anyone can do.

OP - if your friend complains about her weight again, change the subject. If she continues complaining and starts to drag you down for your healthy choices, call her out on it. I know you really want to help her, but it sounds like she's just going to keep attacking you whenever you suggest going to the gym together or helping her make better food choices in response to her complaints. Perhaps, with some time and distance, she'll come around and ask you for guidance. If not, that's really sad, but sometimes it's necessary to put some distance between yourself and a toxic friend.

I wouldn't respond to her complaints with, "But you're so pretty/awesome/kind!" She obviously has low self-esteem, and the more you respond like that, the more attention she's getting. It doesn't fix the problem. She'll learn to start fishing for compliments that make up for being heavy and won't change. Then it will start all over again the day or two later when her happy feelings wear off. I know because I was that person for many years.

that's pretty much my attitude. You can't fix people but you can stop them driving you either crazy or away.

glovepuppet

I tend more towards wanting to keep them from whining around me than trying to 'fix' people. But I freely admit to being cold. I know that my approach means I never have to put up with it.

Ditto. After hearing the same complaint over and over, knowing they aren't going to do a darn thing about it, I stop listening and stop caring. I refuse to spend anymore energy on someone who isn't going to change their situation. I've drifted from quite a few friends because of this, and to be honest, it's a relief not to have to put up with that anymore. In some cases, it went on for years.

likewise, I prefer my friends to just tell/show me they don't want to hear about part of my life than that they start trying to give me therapy.