need relationship advice

glovepuppet

You guys need to quit telling her she needs Jesus. She didn't come to this thread for religious advice, she came for relationship advice.

if anything, that stuff puts people off.
stubbed your toe? you need jesus!
it drives people away from god.

Julzanne72

[
[/quote]
until the kids are protected, her relationship is moot.
talking about the need for sex/communication/support means nothing until the kids are ok.
if he can't stop mistreating the kids then it doesn't matter if he's the best hubby in the world.
fretting about lack of sex while this is going on is messed up beyond my comprehension.
she needs to step up.
[/quote]

I agree with you 100%!! The lack of sex is the least of her worries. She needs, for the sake of her children, if nothing else, find the strength to be the mother THEY deserve. She may very well deserve a better husband, but that comes secondary. However, she does need to learn to communicate with this guy, because as long as she does not, the treatment continues with her children.

STS1130

You just told my story. This was my life two years ago but it is not my life today. It has been a hard journey but here are my thoughts:

1. I guarantee the only time your husband will change is when HE is ready to change. Any effort you make to change him will just lead to more disappointment.

2. The only person you can change is yourself. Now is the time to work on yourself. Whether he changes, appreciates your work, or cares is beyond your control.

3. If you don't change you will take your same insecurity, lack of communication, etc. to the next relationship. After the "puppy love" of your next relationship wears off you will have the same problems as you have now only with a new person. "Same baggage just different airport"

4. Only after you "fix" yourself should you make a rational decision of whether you want to continue with the marriage. But until that time you are just switching seats on the Titantic.

I highly recommend the book: Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond) [Paperback]
Bruce Fisher

You can get it on amazon for $10.00. This book (and class) was a life-saver for me. Good luck and God Bless.

akaMrsmojo

But until that time you are just switching seats on the Titantic.

Brilliant

Ed98043

Just a few thoughts and experiences:

1. My brother lived with his girlfriend for about 8 years. As their relationship deteriorated (she was pushing to get married, he wasn't interested) he became involved in online gaming, in this case EverQuest. He played pretty much every moment that he wasn't working, for 2 years. Eventually she left him. I think he wanted out too but was too much of a coward to say so, so he checked out mentally until she was basically forced to end it. What a huge waste of both their time. My brother met someone else almost immediately and was married within 18 months and didn't play the stupid game - it was a symptom, not the disease. Maybe the same thing is going on with your husband. I'm sure he's not happy with the state of things, either.

2. I had a live-in boyfriend for 5 years that slowly turned into a "ships passing in the night" kind of relationship. We didn't do anything together, we had different interests, and were rarely in the same room unless we were sleeping (still had sex regularly, though). We never argued or anything - it was just...flatlined. When we hit that 5 year anniversary I did some serious soul searching and decided that it was time to ****e or get off the pot. Was this going to be my life? I sort of conversationally brought up one night that I thought he should start looking for his own place. He didn't even protest. I think he was just waiting for me to bring it up.

3. I feel bad for your 13 year old daughter. She sees what's going on and tells you that you deserve better...too wise for her age. What kind of example are you setting for her? What will she put up with in the future because Mom did? Your kids deserve a happy home.

Edited to add: I think you express yourself beautifully, better than most. If you have a hard time doing it verbally, maybe write him a letter. You deserve to air your complaints and he deserves to hear them and have a chance to respond. If he ignores you with a "Yes, Dear", then that's all you need to know.

whatshouldieat

To the person who ask for advice. Just note my suggestion of getting off the meds is only a suggestion and its recommended you speak to the Dr. that prescribe them to you before ever deciding to get off them. You have the stregth to get through this and become the person you desire. Good luck to you.

felinaslp

I'm completely overwhelmed with all the responses I have gotten. There were a lot of posts I wanted to respond to specifically, but with four pages of responses, I'd be here all day. But I do want to respond to some things I saw, in general.

I do not believe my kids are in any kind of danger. The two littler ones do jiu jitsu and my dh used to do that as well. He "practices" with them, thus the choke hold, but they usually end up frustrated. When they start to cry, I usually do step in and tell him to stop and he does. He says he's trying to toughen them up because when they "roll" in jiu jitsu, somebody will try to make them tap out. I agree though that they should not think our relationship (dh and me) is one they should aim for... I also do not think he should be forcing them to give him a hug and/or a kiss if they do not want to. He should probably take a hint when they don't want to give it to him...

He is in upper level management, and I do believe he is looking for a job. He checks his e-mails in the morning and sends out several resumes per day. I have sat down on my laptop next to him and helped look for jobs for him and then sent him the links. It is difficult for me, though, because there are so many different kind of management jobs and some of them are so specific that I don't know the key words to. I make a point to ask him every day if he's heard anything new. I have no idea if there is more he could or should be doing. He had lost his job before, and he found a new one by applying online and working with recruiters. This time around, he hasnt' even gotten responses from recruiters.

All the moving around: I met him and moved in with him. After a year or so we bought a house, but not too far away from where we started. Oldest was in Pre-K at the time. He was laid off after a couple of years or so, then found a job in another state. That job, after a couple of years, sent him oversees, supposedly for only a couple of years. Then the economy changed and they had no plans of brining us back. After about three years, he quit and we moved in with his parents until he found another job in yet another state. He's been at that job for a year and a half and got laid off, along with many other people. The kids, especially the oldest, have had to change schools more times than any child should have to.

I am a speech pathologist, and worked when I met him. I switched to different counties a few times when we moved within the same state, but when we moved out of state I could only find a job an hour and a half away from home. That's when we decided I"d stay home with the kids. Then, oversees I couldn't really work, but now that we're back I was looking to work again. I interviewed with the schools, but since I havne' t worked for about seven years, they passed. The job I have now is via the computer, doing the same thing. I was officially accepted by the company back in October, but it took until about a month ago for the paperwork to go through. So, I started looking before he was laid off.

About marrying him only because he accepted me with my daughter. I did not state that correctly, but that was a huge factor for me. I had wobbly knees and heart fluttering when I saw him for the longest time. There was a time when he helped, and, like I said, in the beginning he played wonderfully with my daughter. But looking back I think i always put in more than he did. I wrote notes that I left in his car before he went to work (he never responded to them), I'd make him lunch so he wouldn't eat fast food all the time, but I don't think he ate my lunch lol. I do remember a time when he would bring me my coffee in the mornings before he went to work, but that was a long time ago.

We do all eat dinner at tthe table together and I've insisted on that since the beginning. However, often he joins us late because of something happening. He can also often not sit still anymore when he's done eating and says he's just cleaning up his plate or something (he puts it on the counter, never the dishwasher, and yes, I have said something about that). Sometimes he stands next to the table and plays with the dog, sometimes he manages to sit and wait. At lunch, now that he's home, I have also placed the lunch on the table and told him to come eat, while I was sitting with the kids eating. Sometimes he waits so long that his lunch is cold, or he sprints to the table, grabs his lunch, and eats in front of the computer. Sometimes he sits with us.

Depression? May be for him. (I know I have it...) It would'nt surprise me. However, the gaming, not playing with the kids, not doing anything around the house, all that has been going on for a long time, not just since he lost his job.

I know there were other things I wanted to respond to, but can't remember now... gotta read over the responses again.

Thank you all again for taking the time to read my long post (and no, my dialogue is not lengthy like that, that's why I had to "spit" it all out in writing). I really appreciate everybody's input!

felinaslp

Oh yea, the meds... I have be on and of wellbutrin for a long time, and have never been able to stay on it long enough to see if it has a long-term effect for me. Something always happens; I've gotten pregnant,so I had to stop, we moved, and I couldn't find a dr fast enough (I never take care of my needs first, always the others first), and now I'll have to stop again soon because of no insurance. When I start it, though, I'm able to get off my butt and do something. It gives me the energy to get up and move, and be more productive.

Mustang_Susie

Let me preface this by saying I've been in a crummy marriage.
I know what it's like and I know what it takes to start making positive changes.
And I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but...

Stop letting him dictate what you do and how you feel.
Those are choices you make for yourself.
No one else can "make" you feel or act a certain way.

What are you afraid of when he gets "angry" with you?
He already ignores you and the kids, doesn't work, doesn't help around the house etc, etc.
Could it get worse?

Work on yourself.
Decide who you want to be.
What type of woman, what type of mom, what type of wife you want to be and then go do it.
You can't change him and you will continue to make yourself utterly miserable if you are waiting for him to change.

Perhaps you cannot afford counseling but have you considered attending a church and meeting with the pastor?
How about a mom's group or volunteering at your kids' school?
Get out of that house, live your life and stop waiting for that slug of a husband to make you happy.

He knows he controls and manipulates you and has no reason to change his ways.
Once you stop putting up with his crap and start becoming a fabulous person, maybe he'll get his head out of his butt.
Or maybe he won't and then you'll have to decide what you want out of life.
I doubt it's what you've had so far.

Sorry, I just read your most recent posts.
You're a speech pathologist? You have an advanced degree which means you are an incredibly intelligent woman!
You have a lot to offer this world.
Stop getting down on yourself and live up to your full potential!! :flowerforyou:

upgetupgetup

I do not believe my kids are in any kind of danger. The two littler ones do jiu jitsu and my dh used to do that as well. He "practices" with them, thus the choke hold, but they usually end up frustrated. When they start to cry, I usually do step in and tell him to stop and he does. He says he's trying to toughen them up because when they "roll" in jiu jitsu, somebody will try to make them tap out. I agree though that they should not think our relationship (dh and me) is one they should aim for... I also do not think he should be forcing them to give him a hug and/or a kiss if they do not want to. He should probably take a hint when they don't want to give it to him...

He is inappropriately applying standards that make sense for experienced adults to little kids, and is unable to see their responses, to empathize with them, because he feels he's 'correct' in principle. This is evidence of a rigid, idealistic thinking style, often associated with perfectionism and a pessimistic, rule-favouring personality. Also, profound self-absorption. Deep roots to this stuff. Not gonna change easily, counselling or no. And if it were going to change A LITTLE, he would have to be 100% into it. And any minimal progress would likely take YEARS.

I missed the bit someone else caught, where you said 'my kids would do better without me if I weren't here'. No. They would not. They would be hurt for life. No one can replace their mother. Please go back to your psychiatrist, and ask for more help than you have received so far.

You've shown a lot of strength. You got out of an abusive marriage, which some people never manage to do. You have been trying to make this marriage work, to the best of your ability. (This one is also abusive, in a different way, imo.) Best of all, you got back to work. You DO have power. It is being wasted on the wrong person, in my opinion.

I think you could make a happy, loving home for your kids, and for you, on your own, without this guy's silently oppressive presence. You could all feel freer to be yourselves. Imagine that!

weighlossforbaby

A real man provides for his family and puts them first above anything else. Marrying him just because he accepted your daughter wasn't a good reason to be with him. Your daughter is at a age that knows what is going on and she is right that you deserve better. They are growing up seeing their father ignore them and that will effect them when they are adults. Lack of intimacy between a husband and wife is never good and it just makes you both drift a part til you resent eachother. I think marriage counseling is a good idea and if it doesn't work maybe leaving is a best answer.

carryingon

Ask your children if anyone has touched their private parts. Make sure they know the basic sexual behavior safety rules for children.

1. Keep your pants up and shirt down. Don't change when anyone is around.
2. Don't let anyone look at your private parts and don't look at anyone elses
3. Don't let anyone touch your private parts and don't touch anyone elses.
4. If any one asks you to do these things tell an adult immediately and keep telling different adults until someone listens and helps you.
5. Keep the bathroom door closed while in there and only one person to a time.

Pedophiles seek out women who have children already. Your children crying when he plays with them is a huge red flag. It shows anxiety. The fact that he's not having sex with you is another huge red flag. If your child tells you that they have been touched immediately dial 911. Don't doubt them. Doubt him. Don't worry about financial problems it may cause. Just dial.

Seriously. I would leave with my children as fast as I could.

Good luck.

glovepuppet

Ask your children if anyone has touched their private parts. Make sure they know the basic sexual behavior safety rules for children.

1. Keep your pants up and shirt down. Don't change when anyone is around.
2. Don't let anyone look at your private parts and don't look at anyone elses
3. Don't let anyone touch your private parts and don't touch anyone elses.
4. If any one asks you to do these things tell an adult immediately and keep telling different adults until someone listens and helps you.
5. Keep the bathroom door closed while in there and only one person to a time.

Pedophiles seek out women who have children already. Your children crying when he plays with them is a huge red flag. It shows anxiety. The fact that he's not having sex with you is another huge red flag. If your child tells you that they have been touched immediately dial 911. Don't doubt them. Doubt him. Don't worry about financial problems it may cause. Just dial.

Seriously. I would leave with my children as fast as I could.

Good luck.

even without the sex aspect:

if a man asked me for a hug, i said no and he grabbed me and held me despite me crying and wanting it to stop? i'd call the cops and he's be on an assault charge.
that they're kids makes it no better.
he's training them to the belief that they don't have a right to say no to a man's forced affections, which leaves them wide open to abuse.

the OP has ostrich issues on this one.

carryingon

oh and another huge red flag- "dh" "wrestling" with your children. Pedophiles use any excuse to have bodily contact with kids. It is a way that they desensitize their victims. It is a part of the grooming process. The fact that a grown man is putting children in choke holds to "practice" is sick.

I'm not trying to be snarky. A mother knows when something isn't right with her children and another adult. I truly believe you wouldn't be posing these questions if you didn't already have suspicions or concerns. Most likely he has effed with your mind as well because parents of victims are groomed to. He is testing to see how far you will let him go with your children. He is doing it right in front of your face. He is trying to desensitize you to what he is doing. He has also probably tried to convince you that you're over reacting and that it's all in your head. Talk to your children!!!

glovepuppet

The fact that a grown man is putting children in choke holds to "practice" is sick.

my kid does martial arts too. i know a lot of kids who do. parents putting kids in choke holds is not normal or even helpful.
if there was an issue with technique then the qualified instructors are the people who will address it.
adults we mistreat kids in order to ''toughen them up'' are being abusive.

even if it's not sexual, it's physical bullying.

IamOnMywayNow

Ask your children if anyone has touched their private parts. Make sure they know the basic sexual behavior safety rules for children.

1. Keep your pants up and shirt down. Don't change when anyone is around.
2. Don't let anyone look at your private parts and don't look at anyone elses
3. Don't let anyone touch your private parts and don't touch anyone elses.
4. If any one asks you to do these things tell an adult immediately and keep telling different adults until someone listens and helps you.
5. Keep the bathroom door closed while in there and only one person to a time.

Pedophiles seek out women who have children already. Your children crying when he plays with them is a huge red flag. It shows anxiety. The fact that he's not having sex with you is another huge red flag. If your child tells you that they have been touched immediately dial 911. Don't doubt them. Doubt him. Don't worry about financial problems it may cause. Just dial.


Seriously. I would leave with my children as fast as I could.

Good luck.

^^^^This!!! As soon as I finished reading your post I got a sick feeling in my stomach that something is not right about your kids and their father, especially your daughter from your previous relationship. Her telling you that you deserve better all the time may be a cry for help. She may not think you would believe her if she told you what was happening. And the hands in his pants thing is really giving me the creepy vibe!!! That is NOT normal!!

Trust me when I say if he is not getting sex from you he is getting his jollys off somehow and you said he does not leave the house much. .........just saying:( I say get out now/first ask questions later!

carryingon

The fact that a grown man is putting children in choke holds to "practice" is sick.

my kid does martial arts too. i know a lot of kids who do. parents putting kids in choke holds is not normal or even helpful.
if there was an issue with technique then the qualified instructors are the people who will address it.
adults we mistreat kids in order to ''toughen them up'' are being abusive.

even if it's not sexual, it's physical bullying.

yeah I trained with Mick Doyle as a teenager. He never needed to put me in a choke hold to help me practice.

LetsMakeupXtina

Hi... a lot of what you wrote describes my marriage I was in. I got out. That is no life to live, and you only live once... and there are better things out there waiting for you... If you are as unhappy and miserable as I was, and if you have tried to make it work in any way you can, I say it's time to move on and see what else God has in store for you and your life..