How do you explain death to a child?

Jessi_Brooks

I would explain that death is basically a sleep that he woudn't wake up from. People aren't afraid to close their eyes and go to sleep, so there's nothing to fear about a peaceful death.

A child might become afraid of closing their eyes to go to sleep after you tell them thats how people die. Bad idea in my opinion.

Hexahedra

I would explain that death is basically a sleep that he woudn't wake up from. People aren't afraid to close their eyes and go to sleep, so there's nothing to fear about a peaceful death.

A child might become afraid of closing their eyes to go to sleep after you tell them thats how people die. Bad idea in my opinion.

Except that he can't stay awake forever, and once he wakes up afterward it's not so scary anymore.

glovepuppet

I would explain that death is basically a sleep that he woudn't wake up from. People aren't afraid to close their eyes and go to sleep, so there's nothing to fear about a peaceful death.

terrible idea! i've heard of people's kids being scared to sleep and scared of everyone else sleeping for years after.

it's a stupid lie.

and what about cremations? people fall asleep so we set fire to them?

it's important for kids to understand that, like disguarded shells on a beach, whatever made the deceased who they were is no longer inside.

foxro

Trying to understand here: If you are an atheist then why is hard for you to explain to your child that we cease to exist upon death ? If that is what you believe then shouldn't you be telling your child that ? just askin

So, you think atheists have no emotions related to death and do not need to think about how to explain it in a sensitive, empathic. and age appropriate way to children? Because there is never any circumstances in which death could be traumatic? Atheists do not have a "nice, happy story" to tell. And we need to be empathic, compassionate, responsible and respectful of our children and of the people they will interact with that are not atheists and have lost loved ones. We can't send them out into the world without knowing how to interact kindly with others. Also, most of us were not raised as atheists, so we are learning how to approach this as parents in a responsible and kind way.

It's a bit more complicated than "ceasing to exist". And if that was not such a difficult subject to deal with, then religion would not exist. People with religion have a story to tell. And atheists also have science to explain things in a compassionate and meaningful way. If we take the time to understand how to explain the science in an age appropriate way, we will have given our children coping skills and something meaningful. Plus, just because we are atheists, does not mean our children will feel the same way. They have their own path of learning, and exploring and deciding for themselves.

Thanks for explaiing it to me, but please don't make inferences about me thinking atheists don't have have emotions. I'm trying to understand the approach an atheist would take because as you say they do not have a happy story to tell.

learnerdriver

I haven't read the responses but had to prepare my children for our dog being put to sleep. They were 4 + nearly 6 at the time.

I used two story books- Badger's Parting Gifts (you can youtube this story) and Beginnings, Endings and Lifetimes In Between to explain death to them. Both kids still ask me to read the books.

coe28

Trying to understand here: If you are an atheist then why is hard for you to explain to your child that we cease to exist upon death ? If that is what you believe then shouldn't you be telling your child that ? just askin

So, you think atheists have no emotions related to death and do not need to think about how to explain it in a sensitive, empathic. and age appropriate way to children? Because there is never any circumstances in which death could be traumatic? Atheists do not have a "nice, happy story" to tell. And we need to be empathic, compassionate, responsible and respectful of our children and of the people they will interact with that are not atheists and have lost loved ones. We can't send them out into the world without knowing how to interact kindly with others. Also, most of us were not raised as atheists, so we are learning how to approach this as parents in a responsible and kind way.

This, exactly. Very well said!

12skipafew99100

We explain about Heaven and how we will all be there togehter someday. A wonderful place where we get to praise our creator and there is no pain or tears or sorrow.

fbmandy55

I remember the exact moment I found out that people die. My mom played it off like it was no big deal and made it seem like it was so far away for me that it wouldn't even happen. She told me by time I die, I will be good and ready to. This helped big time and I have done the same for my daughter when she came with questions. She seemed okay with that answer and gave me an "Oh, okay".

ETA: I am not an atheist, so the heaven part helps.

This is what I did. My son came to me a few weeks ago asking about when I will die and I told him not until he is an old man. He told my mom that I wasn't going to die for a long time because he wasn't a grown up yet.

As far as religion, we are letting him decide for himself as he grows up what to believe. He learns about heaven and God at his preschool and I went to a Lutheran school for 10 years so I always let him ask all the questions he wants with my honest answers.

VoodooLuLu

I'm Atheist also...so when my daughter (4) was watching a movie someone died she started crying and said the person died and then she asked where did the person go?

I told my daughter that the person went on a very long holiday and when my daughter said she wanted to go on a holiday I said well this one is really expensive and that she had to wait till she is really really old so far no more questions....

sheldonz42

Definitely be honest. And don't be afraid to say, "I don't know what happens to us after we die" if that is the way you feel.

I do not agree with this answer, no offence to the poster.

I think for a very small child they need to have some answers and reassurance from the parents/carers.

The children will cope better in life if they get answers with choices/options to questions that you may not even know the answer to?

Saying you `do not know` is not reassuring and could cause anxiety.

So the options are saying "I don't know", or making something - anything - up, as long as it is reassuring?

I go for the honesty route myself. If I don't know the answer to a question (any question) from one of my kids, I'll say "I don't know... but how about we look it up?" or "I don't know, but here is what I think...". I'm an atheist, and I don't believe in an afterlife. When this came up with my kids, I used the Circle of Life, as well as "we are made of star stuff".

But just because you are being honest with your kids, it doesn't mean you have to do it a heartless or cold way. Tell them and show them that you love them, and promise that you'll be there for as long as you can, and you plan on it being a very long time.

^Thank you! And I am about as far from atheist as you can get. As for honesty, here is how it can't get much more honest - when our daughter died at 26 weeks' gestation, we let our son hold her and look at her and touch her so he would know she was real and that she had died. He was 18 months old, but it was CLEAR that he understood. He truly appreciates his younger siblings who were born later and says he has good dreams about his sister who died. I am convinced this was absolutely, 100%, the best way to handle the situation. Oh, and our bereavement nurse with YEARS of training thought it was the right thing to do as well.

staceyk35

I have never talked about death in a negative way with my children if they raised the subject when too young to understand i always said it was sad because the people left behind would miss the person who had passed away. But the person who had died would have a big party waiting for them full of all the family/pets/friends they have known in their live who have gone before them. Both of my children were happy with this and my 11 year old still tells people this as a way of comfort

glovepuppet

^Thank you! And I am about as far from atheist as you can get. As for honesty, here is how it can't get much more honest - when our daughter died at 26 weeks' gestation, we let our son hold her and look at her and touch her so he would know she was real and that she had died. He was 18 months old, but it was CLEAR that he understood. He truly appreciates his younger siblings who were born later and says he has good dreams about his sister who died. I am convinced this was absolutely, 100%, the best way to handle the situation. Oh, and our bereavement nurse with YEARS of training thought it was the right thing to do as well.

a brave, beautiful, perfect way of dealing with it.

soldier4242

(...)"The Origin of Species" is not an atheist bible so no I would not quote Darwin. I realize you weren't being serious you were just mocking me because I disagreed with you and you don't think there is anything an atheist could say to a child in this situation. (:::)


I wasnt mocking you and its not like i dont believe there is anything an atheist can say to a child in this situation. Being an atheist just indicates you dont belive in god, there is alot of people that believe in souls and dont belive and god , or belive in reincarnation . I just fail to see why would you not agree in saying to a child that is 3 yrs that heaven exists, or that souls exist, or that borrow an explanation from a religion is wrong . Information should be given acording to their hability to deal with it. If the kid crys for example that is an indication he is scared already, so despite being completly true it has to be something that calms him down and not bring more anxiety.

I can also give you a ton of reasons of why an atheist shouldnt be completly honest with their kids about their concept of death if they belive its the end of life completly.
But i can answer to your questions all together

Mommy belives that heaven is next to the stars, and thats were angels are too. You cant see angels just like you cant see when you love someone , but you know its real because you feel it. Yes everyone goes to heaven and yes your dog is in heaven-

I dont see why lying to a kid about this is bad . No to Lie is a hight moral value that has its bases in religion ( its one of the commandmentss ) but its sinked into human psyque as something very bad when it may not be when it serves the purpose of protection.
The concept of hell is mediavel and its not share by all religions. Its very common in christianity and islam , but there is several christian denominations that doesnt claim it exists. In judaism doesnt exist either.

Im sorry for my misspellings, i am not english

The only times I ever take issue with spelling and grammar are when the person making the error is giving others a hard time about their spelling and grammar or the error actually changes the meaning that the of what the author is trying to say.

For Example:

"I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on." and "I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on." These two sentences are actually saying different things.

I felt that what you wrote was perfectly fine and if English is your second language then its actually pretty impressive because I sure couldn't type something that would be that well understood in another language.

I appreciate that you did not intend to mock me but I do hope you can understand why I took it that way. I am content to conclude that I took it wrong and move forward.

I do not feel that a belief in souls is necessary to talk about death to a child. I have always felt that there is a natural poetry in the cycle of life and death that is universal. I can think of situations where lying to your child is actually the best course of action. I just don't think this is one of them. Especially since the lie in this case will eventually be figured out.

I would say, "Nobody really knows what happens after we die. It is one of those questions that we have been trying to answer for as long as there have been people. I do know that you and I and everything you see around you are all made of stuff that is neither created or destroyed. This means that in some respect everything will never be destroyed including us. We will all simply change form. This is why it is important that we never take a single day for granted. Now lets enjoy this day together."

I think children have far more ability to understand then most give them credit for.

The concept of lying being wrong is found in the code of Hammurabi and that is older than the bible so unless you are advocating an older religion like Hindu or something like that then we can reasonably come to the conclusion that as least a portion of humanity had already figured out that lying is a social ill. We never needed any religion to tell us this.

I happen to think that all of religion is archaic and antiquated and not just the concept of hell but to call it medieval does not account for the fact that the vast majority of theists do believe in hell as strongly as they do in heaven.

I hope this has helped to explain my position more clearly.

sheldonz42

^Thank you! And I am about as far from atheist as you can get. As for honesty, here is how it can't get much more honest - when our daughter died at 26 weeks' gestation, we let our son hold her and look at her and touch her so he would know she was real and that she had died. He was 18 months old, but it was CLEAR that he understood. He truly appreciates his younger siblings who were born later and says he has good dreams about his sister who died. I am convinced this was absolutely, 100%, the best way to handle the situation. Oh, and our bereavement nurse with YEARS of training thought it was the right thing to do as well.

a brave, beautiful, perfect way of dealing with it.

Thanks!

soldier4242

^Thank you! And I am about as far from atheist as you can get. As for honesty, here is how it can't get much more honest - when our daughter died at 26 weeks' gestation, we let our son hold her and look at her and touch her so he would know she was real and that she had died. He was 18 months old, but it was CLEAR that he understood. He truly appreciates his younger siblings who were born later and says he has good dreams about his sister who died. I am convinced this was absolutely, 100%, the best way to handle the situation. Oh, and our bereavement nurse with YEARS of training thought it was the right thing to do as well.

a brave, beautiful, perfect way of dealing with it.

Thanks!

I am an atheist and I think you did a pretty good job of dealing with this one as well. It wasn't that long ago in our history that death was not looked at the way it is today. People did touch their fallen loved ones and it was part of the grieving process. It used to be customary that people would have a room in their house called the "dying room" and people would die in their houses and the family would take care of them every step of the way.

Today there is this constant effort to distance ourselves from death. The "dying rooms" are now "living rooms" and our relatives die away from the house. Perhaps there is no perfect way to deal with it but I think that allowing ourselves and the our loved ones the chance to choose a direct approach is the best that we can do. I applaud your way of dealing with this situation as unpleasant as I am sure it was for you. You kept your head about you and made the right choice. That is not an easy thing to do.

nashai01

bump

sheldonz42

^Thank you! And I am about as far from atheist as you can get. As for honesty, here is how it can't get much more honest - when our daughter died at 26 weeks' gestation, we let our son hold her and look at her and touch her so he would know she was real and that she had died. He was 18 months old, but it was CLEAR that he understood. He truly appreciates his younger siblings who were born later and says he has good dreams about his sister who died. I am convinced this was absolutely, 100%, the best way to handle the situation. Oh, and our bereavement nurse with YEARS of training thought it was the right thing to do as well.

a brave, beautiful, perfect way of dealing with it.

Thanks!

I am an atheist and I think you did a pretty good job of dealing with this one as well. It wasn't that long ago in our history that death was not looked at the way it is today. People did touch their fallen loved ones and it was part of the grieving process. It used to be customary that people would have a room in their house called the "dying room" and people would die in their houses and the family would take care of them every step of the way.

Today there is this constant effort to distance ourselves from death. The "dying rooms" are now "living rooms" and our relatives die away from the house. Perhaps there is no perfect way to deal with it but I think that allowing ourselves and the our loved ones the chance to choose a direct approach is the best that we can do. I applaud your way of dealing with this situation as unpleasant as I am sure it was for you. You kept your head about you and made the right choice. That is not an easy thing to do.

Thank you, too! I think reality and truth really are almost always the best routes for our children. These things can be handled gently and with compassion without lying to our children.

glovepuppet

Thank you, too! I think reality and truth really are almost always the best routes for our children. These things can be handled gently and with compassion without lying to our children.

so true. the aim shouldn't just be to shut them up or to stop them asking questions at the cost of more pain and confusion later.

BeinAwesome247

The Lion King.


No, I'm serious. My soon to be 4 year old started asking about death when he turned three. He was very distraught over it, like your son.

We sat down and watched the Lion King. When it was over, I asked him how Mufasa dying made him feel, and what he had learned from the movie. He told me that Mufasa dying made him sad, especially when Simba was sad, but that it was okay because Mufasa was feeding the "antropes" (antelopes) and he was a part of the circle of "wife" (life).

He asked me if that's really what happens when we die. I explained to him that many people believe many different things, but no one knows for sure. But I told him that death isn't something to be afraid of, and that he should be more concerned with what he was getting for his birthday. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't die for a very long time, because that might be a lie. I simply told him that Mommy and Daddy will always be there for him, even if it's in his heart. He gave me a big, huge hug, and went back to playing with legos. He never brought it up again.

For the record, I am religious, but I refrained from using religion to explain the concept of life and death. I was honest without being scary, and I didn't "dumb it down" to a child's level. And he understood and his fears were eased.

Another reason you are awesome!

BinaryPulsar

Trying to understand here: If you are an atheist then why is hard for you to explain to your child that we cease to exist upon death ? If that is what you believe then shouldn't you be telling your child that ? just askin

So, you think atheists have no emotions related to death and do not need to think about how to explain it in a sensitive, empathic. and age appropriate way to children? Because there is never any circumstances in which death could be traumatic? Atheists do not have a "nice, happy story" to tell. And we need to be empathic, compassionate, responsible and respectful of our children and of the people they will interact with that are not atheists and have lost loved ones. We can't send them out into the world without knowing how to interact kindly with others. Also, most of us were not raised as atheists, so we are learning how to approach this as parents in a responsible and kind way.

It's a bit more complicated than "ceasing to exist". And if that was not such a difficult subject to deal with, then religion would not exist. People with religion have a story to tell. And atheists also have science to explain things in a compassionate and meaningful way. If we take the time to understand how to explain the science in an age appropriate way, we will have given our children coping skills and something meaningful. Plus, just because we are atheists, does not mean our children will feel the same way. They have their own path of learning, and exploring and deciding for themselves.

Thanks for explaiing it to me, but please don't make inferences about me thinking atheists don't have have emotions. I'm trying to understand the approach an atheist would take because as you say they do not have a happy story to tell.

I'm sorry. I should have explained that in a better way. I just mean that death is never an easy subject, that should be spoken to children in a careless and thoughtless way. Whether a person is an atheist or religious, the facts of death are an equally difficult aspect of the human experience. and being an atheist does not make that any more clear cut. Even if we identify as atheist at this time in our lives, does not mean we have all the answers to life's difficult questions.