Problems with future brother-in-law

bellesouth18

Makes me wonder what he's saying about your sister to other people right now.

Edit: This is supposed to be the time in their relationship when everything's perfect from their points of view. When the newness and the novelty wear off, what will he be saying about her and everyone else then? If this is his "eager to please" phase, what's he going to be like two years from now?

Ramberta

Your husband does sound oversensitive. I applaud you, OP, for realizing that this guy may be a d!ck, but what he says shouldn't get to you. Because it doesn't matter.

I totally agree with other people who have said to call him out on his rude behavior, but only for things like criticizing a restaurant where he's getting a free meal. I would do that to anyone, even if they were normally a nice person, let alone someone with a reputation for asshattery.

Your hubby may not like this guy -- and there's nothing that says he has to -- but unfortunately he's just gonna have to suck it up and deal, unless this guy turns out to be a real creep after the marriage and starts being mean to your sister as well. Keep a close eye on her and make sure the communication about her relationship with this guy stays open.

terriejones

Next time he says something about the car hubby should say, "At least it's not a (insert guys car), I read a report that says a ...is the top selling car for guys with performance problems."

action_figure

Depending on how rude he is, this could be a major red flag. I don't have a clue what you could do about it though. My best friend started dating a guy in 1996 who was an absolute *kitten*. The very first time me met her parents was at a family reunion. I was invited because we'd been best friends since college. Anyway, someone made a political statement that boyfriend disagreed with, and he immediately jumped up, started pounding his fists on the table, shouting profanity, calling the person who'd said it "stupid", etc. He totally lost it. He was so angry there were veins throbbing in his temples, his face was beet red, and flecks of spit were flying out of his mouth and hitting the other person in the face. Totally out of control. Anyway, this guy is ALWAYS like this. Hasn't changed a damn bit. Screams at my friend, their daughter, anyone and everyone who doesn't totally agree with him. NOONE could tell my friend anything. I asked her point blank years ago about his abusive behavior and she was really defensive. Now, of course, she's had her fill and she's miserable, but doesn't really want to get a divorce, etc. I just think that when a love interest disrespects a person's family right in front of them, that's a major sign that they aren't marriage material. I just don't know how to get that through to your sister. I am sorry you are in this situation.

ReinasWrath

well how does your sister get along with your husband? I'm sure she made a special effort to make /him/ feel welcome. This guy is marrying her not you guys. It sounds like he just has bad social skills or may be nervous around you 2, I mean think about it, he is the new comer to the family and has the pressure of meeting/interacting with a whole new lot of <important> people. I totally might be wrong but it sounds like you and your hubs started off judging him from day 1. i know that I'm a super awkward person in real life when I'm meeting or interacting with people who I know need to like me. I'm sure I've said some things that may have come off as rude or weird that were really just very verrrrrrrry strained attempts at conversation. Basically just get to know him a little better before you start ostracizing him.

LuHox

Hmm... as someone who dated and eventually married (but don't worry, eventually divorced as well) an a-hole that clearly nobody liked, I have to say the worst thing you can do is NOT tell your sister how you, your husband, and anyone else feel about his behavior. She needs to hear it...
ETA: possibly multiple times.

Has she always had pretty good self-esteem? Does she have a track record of dating decent, up-standing guys? Or is it the other way around?

dreambodin2011

why tiptoe around him....? Your hubby needs to lighten up and I'd recommend he take it as a joke - it's all in the way you choose to interpret. JOke with this guy - he's probably doing it himself cos he knows how passionate your hubby truly is.

If he says what is perceived to be rude in the future...I'd be asking him to "Please explain" why would you say something like that?

Be in his face...like he is in yours. He needs some boundaries set cos he clearly doesn't know them yet.

Otherwise, perhaps you or hubby could take him out for a drink and let him know how he's words are being interpreted. He may have no clue.

Good luck - arghhh families!!!

dakotababy

Eww. I have a "brother-in-law" who sounds a lot like this...very critical of EVERYTHING. Has an opinion on EVERYTHING. I was sharing how I was buying a new Jeep and I just knew this guy was going to say something negative about the jeep wrangler...and sure enough, he spoke up right away about how "small" they are.

The guy is a total jerk, newly divorced (not surprised)...i was actually shocked that someone would even marry the guy and put up with his crap. I see guys like this to be totally insecure. You and your husband should start talking to him about HIS car...does he even have one?

lynda3y9

I think you should start calling him out on his comments, but in a light hearted way. Then you can tell if he is really a jerk or is just clueless. I actually like the "what exactly do you have against my car?" question. For the restaurant situation, I would have said, "well, when you're paying, we'll let you choose" or "I see it hasn't stopped you from enjoying the free food." Otherwise, the situation between him and your husband is just going to get worse. The man needs to know his snarkiness will not be tolerated.

Another approach would be to get very serious and ask him "why would you bring that up when you know my parents are trying to honor you?" And "why do you continue to insult my car when you know it is my pride and joy?"

Either way, he needs to be confronted while you remain cool and calm about it.

like it! good answer

he likely is unaware of how insensitive he is being and 'calling' him on it...whether in jest of 'what do you mean...' a couple times will put the uncomfortable shoe on HIS foot .....should work and maybe teach him a social behavior lesson at the same time.

Don't let it ruin your family gatherings though. we have a couple relatives that are like that (don't we all) - just have to try to limit the conversations between the ones that are really annoying :-)

Babsvii

some people are just idiots... you are going to have to find away to just ignore his insults and move on... I happen to love the choice in car your husband has as i own a 350z as well and love it.... funny story my boyfriends uncle was going to buy my car cause i need a truck more then a car but he didnt end up buying it and bought a BMW to this day when we pull up next to his car my car looks wayyyy nicer then his and we always laugh about how stupid his uncle was for not buying my car and getting the BMW LOL I think your husband needs to just realize he made a good choice and he loves his car and this other guy has no idea what hes talking about. Be proud of the choices you make and dont let what others think bother you.

theCarlton

The problem is that recently, he's been saying some things that can be taken as insults.

Or your husband can choose to not be insulted and treat him as he would a coworker whose company he must endure from time to time. I'm sure your husband will figure out how to navigate this problem.

3foldchord

He sounds like a knob.

But good news! You don't have to hang out with your family.

for the time being your husband may just have to put up with him, take tthe higher ground and let the remarks roll off.

Erikalynne18

I agree.... these are rude comments. I don't care about cars but if someone were to talk to me about their care I would be polite and try to listen as best as possible. And dinner, it's free! Who insults free dinners!? lol.

You can try to talk to your sister about it, however she might be so distracted by the engagement to think clearly (or might not want to upset him). I would try to talk to her, then at least she knows you guys aren't pleased by his behaviour. Then if these problems continue you can politely decline hanging out as 2 couples, but suggest still meeting up for a "girls day". Sounds like this guy doesn't want to be friends with your husband, maybe he thinks he is "better" than your family? Some people just have that attitude. But putting him in his place might help teach him that those behaviours aren't acceptable!

gonnamakeanewaccount

This guy seems like a tool. You're better off just telling her what's going on and how you feel about it. It'll save her the trouble of having a divorce later on.

onwarddownward

The brother in law sounds immature. How old is he and has he been married before?

5ftnFun

I have an in-law that annoys me in sort of the same fashion. He likes to goad folks into arguments and/or show how smart he is, or how right he is, you get the idea. What do I do? He puts out the bait, but I don't bite. It's not always easy, but I don't have to live with him or even live close to him. If we had to be around him more, it might be different. Also, maybe try to focus on the guy's good qualities and don't be so quick to be offended. It could be he is not deliberately trying to be an *ss, he just is.

5ftnFun

Your husband does sound oversensitive. I applaud you, OP, for realizing that this guy may be a d!ck, but what he says shouldn't get to you. Because it doesn't matter.

I totally agree with other people who have said to call him out on his rude behavior, but only for things like criticizing a restaurant where he's getting a free meal. I would do that to anyone, even if they were normally a nice person, let alone someone with a reputation for asshattery.

Your hubby may not like this guy -- and there's nothing that says he has to -- but unfortunately he's just gonna have to suck it up and deal, unless this guy turns out to be a real creep after the marriage and starts being mean to your sister as well. Keep a close eye on her and make sure the communication about her relationship with this guy stays open.

^^I like this

MyChocolateDiet

Just break up.

No, seriously, just break up. Anytime someone is still a "future" in law, it is your chance to use the emergency exit before it's too late. Get out while you can. Cut your losses, don't even try to take your TV, just get out.

Um... how, exactly, is she supposed to "break up" with her sister's fiance?

Ooops caught me, I did not read the whole thing just skimmed over where I though this was about her fiance and she was having problems with his brother. Still though, a break-up may be ensuing. On the sister to sister level though. Which is sad, but it happens. I have a cousin this happened with, she married a total prick and eventually we never spoke again. It's worse when it happens with siblings. Maybe OP can find some really dirty dirt on him and let someone else bring it to the sister's attention, OR just make nice at family things, drink heavily and suck it up like the rest of the world does. Sad but true.

ckish

Sadly, this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. My advice is to be nice and polite when you are forced to be together knowing the guy will probably say something idiotic or rude. Coming up with a clever comeback, defending yourself, or trying to get him to see the err of his ways is futile. It's sad that your sister feels this guy is the one she wants to marry. Your sister is probably well aware of his rude behavior and one of three things is happening.....He is saying things she agrees with but is too reserved to say.....She is happy just to have a man.....or she is too weak to stand up to him and call him out for his poor treatment of her family. Hang out with your sister when you can. If they are a package deal be polite and do not add fuel to the fire. Develop a game plan with your husband that strengthens your relationship and does not place you on opposite sides of the problem. Some suggestions that have worked for our family are....Deflect the stress of family events by making a private bet with your husband as to how long it will take for your future BIL to say something rude/stupid or how many times he will be rude during the BBQ etc. While at a family gathering maybe you have a private signal when you've had enough and you decide to leave after 5 strikes or something. If you are inviting him into your home there is nothing wrong with setting the ground rules for what constitutes good/acceptable behavior in your home and asking him to leave if he crosses the line. Develop a standard line you and your hubby can use such as "I'm sorry you feel that way" , "Thankfully we are each entitled to have different opinions" "Thanks for your opinion or advice I will consider it" (Immediately discarding it is still considering it)

Basically it is up to you and your husband to decide if seeing your sister is worth tolerating her future husband. Just make sure that the problems he brings into your life does not spill over to cause an uncontrolled mess in your life. Do not ever argue with your husband or your sister about his behavior. No one can control what he does or doesn't do. You can only control how you chose to react to them. I hope you chose not to try to change him, your husband, or your sister. Part of why my hubby and I have still have a strong and happy marriage after 30 years of extended family BS is we have NEVER argued over it. We do not hold each other responsible for the crazy things other people do. When our kids have witnessed bad behavior we have used it as a learning tool as to why we have chosen a different path in how we conduct our interpersonal relationships. In the end the quality of life you and your husband enjoy will be based on your ability to preserve the inner sanctum of the home you are building together. Good Luck!

MyChocolateDiet

Some background:
My sister has been dating this guy for over a year now and lives with him. From Day 1, my husband never really liked him. They are just two TOTALLY different people - which is fine. They don't need to be best friends.

He recently proposed to my sister so now this guy is going to be in our lives forever. The problem is that recently, he's been saying some things that can be taken as insults. I'm not really sure if he is doing it on purpose, or if he doesn't even realize, or what.

My husband is very big into cars and really really likes the car he currently owns. (A Nissan 350z). A few weeks ago, he figured he'd try to make some small talk with future brother in law and thought maybe they'd have this in common a little bit. So he tells him how he is thinking about doing a few things to his car, etc. Future brother in law then says to my husband "my friend was telling me the other day that he wants to get a 350z, and I said to him "why would you want to get that car? Why don't you get a real sports car, like a Camaro or a Mustang?"" My husband was saying back that they are just different, etc, basically defending his car. Future in brother in law kept insisting and saying "well I told my friend he shouldn't get one".

After that, my husband was kind of offended and annoyed with this guy. He had basically just insulted one of his huge passions, right to his face.

Fast forward a week - my family and future bro in law's family went out to dinner to celebrate the engagement. My parents were treating all 10 people, and had picked the restaurant. He says to me, sitting at the table, in front of everybody, "so I was looking online and this restaurant had awful reviews. Have you been here before?" I told him yea we had been there and we thought it was good. We thought it was pretty rude of him to say something like that in front of everyone - especially when my parents were treating him and his family! I found out later, that he had actually already said the same thing to my mom on the phone a few days prior!

Anyway, last night, we had my parents, sister and this guy over to our house for a bbq. During conversation, he brought up how his friend just bought a brand new BMW and then says to my husand "oh, you would really like this car. It makes your car look like a TOY". My husband said absolutely nothing, and then the guy said it again. I knew after that, that my husband was pissed.

So here is the problem - my husband basically wants nothing to do with this guy anymore because he thinks he is rude, obnoxious and is basically insulting him for no reason all the time. I can understand where my husband is coming from, but I told him I think he should either say something to him, or just get over it. He said if he said something last night,he would've flipped the table and told him to get the F out of our house.

Now I feel torn, because this is still my sister and I cannot choose between my husband and my sister. My husband hasn't told me I need to choose, but I know that anytime she wants us to hang out with them, my husband is going to be absolutely miserable. I just don't know how to handle this situation.

I was thinking of talking to my sister about it, but I also don't want to come between her and her fiance - or start any more problems than there needs to be. Advice please!

Next time just let your husband do this. It only needs to happen once, the kid is testing him, to his face. Once he sets him straight it'll work itself out, either in the form of everyone making sure the two are never at family events together, or they come to some kind of truce. Then you won't have to talk about it with your husband anymore. Don't criticise your husband if it comes to this, the kid has it coming. He went from insulting him out by the cars to insulting him in a group in his own house. Kid has no respect, someone's gotta teach him.

ETA: Oh and start bringing super hot, disgustingly wealthy men around your sister, all day everyday until she ties the knot, hopefully one of them will lure her away from this guy. P.S. On some level I wonder if the kid doesn't feel heard? It seems like he tried to pick the restaurant and free or not, maybe he wanted to feel "honored" by having a restaurant he actually likes, and maybe he would've been even willing to pay for that. Not to be too controversial here, but sometimes the whole "you should appreciate it, cause it's free" thing gets old.

Contrarian

I think most families have at least one person they don't get along with. When I have to see those members of my family, I just do an inner eye-roll when they say stupid things, and I keep my mouth shut. I take the high road. They aren't going to change, so why waste the effort and energy getting upset?

Accept that he is a family member and figure out how to cope with his behaviour. The only person whose behaviour you have control over is your own. Your husband needs to remember that, and just accept that this guy is obnoxious.

TheDarlingOne

Sometimes....eh....sometimes people simply just don't have a filter. lol
Consider it his parents not teaching him manners I guess?

Your husband should just keep in mind HE (your husband) always wants to be the bigger man in the situation. Sounds like he's done a great job so far.
Just think of him with pitty. it's a shame yo mama and daddy didn't raise you right! - that kinda thought. Maybe that'll help. Shame you's special in the head boy lol.


Another option - anytime he says something you feel as rude/insulting (keeping in mind there are people out there, who just genuinely do not know what they're saying is rude cuz they weren't taught better they're just 'speaking their mind' - and all minds are entitled to an opinion lol)....
each time he say something you guys feel is rude just go:

"OH YEAH....UM WELL....YOUR FACE"

and then walk off.

If he gets this a bazillion times - maybe it'll make him feel awkward enough so that HE tells your sister HE doesn't want to hang out w/ you guys anymore.
Problem solved. ha!

Ramberta

each time he say something you guys feel is rude just go:

"OH YEAH....UM WELL....YOUR FACE"

and then walk off.

If he gets this a bazillion times - maybe it'll make him feel awkward enough so that HE tells your sister HE doesn't want to hang out w/ you guys anymore.
Problem solved. ha!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

craigmandu

Personally, if someone is doing something like that (and it has happened to me on multiple occasions)....I won't waste time to let them know, regardless who is there.

I had a guy challenge me because I switched to electronic cigarrettes instead of regular cigarrettes. His argument was "Those aren't any better for you than these"....I said "I like these more, and I have an acutal plan to quit using them". He says "They still aren't any better for you"....to which I replied "I don't talk sh1t about your ridiculous choices, don't talk sh1t about mine".

He has never said another word about it.

BondBomb

I'm from Detroit Michigan where people are CRAZY about their cars and this happens a lot. I'd say the best thing your husband can do is GO "Nissan 350z" .

The more crap this guy talk's the more your man should go "Nissan 350z" T shirts, Hats, key chains ect.. In-fact maybe your husband should give him a Nissan 350z mug as a gift. Every gift you ever give him should have the Nissan 350z logo on it. Let it be known that just because he don't like it doesn't mean it's gonna change your mind.

LMAO perfect! Best comment on the whole thread.

onwarddownward

Next time he says something about the car hubby should say, "At least it's not a (insert guys car), I read a report that says a ...is the top selling car for guys with performance problems."

Snorted distilled h2o out my nose!!!

dessyjo

Hey, I don't like my brother-in-law either! From experience I know it's a difficult conversation to have with your sister. I mentioned to my sister that her husband needed to get his priorities straight and instead of going out to play pool and drink 7 days a week he should spend those with HIS 3 kids or at least get an actual job so they can quit living off my mom and although I said it a little nicer than I summed up above, I got punched in the face and was kicked out of my mom's house. (because they live there they get 'visitor' privilege) I didn't mean to rant about my own problems, I just want you to approach the subject carefully. Hell, maybe your sister is a little less sensitive than mine. You could try talking to her.

You can also just stay away from him. Only invite your sister- schedule certain things like shopping to hang out with your sister or don't visit unless he's gone.

Or you can just tell him to shut up when he says something insulting. Maybe he'll get the point.

Orrrr you can let it be and get together with your sister and her husband and let your husband get so irritated he beats the crap out of the pain in the @ss. (Be sure to video tape it.) The plus side to this option is he may decide he doesn't want anything to do with you.

katellanova

I might be alone here.. but don't guys do this? Give each other ****?

This guy sounds socially awkward, but it doesn't sound like he has really done anything to cause a great divide..

craigmandu

I might be alone here.. but don't guys do this? Give each other ****?

This guy sounds socially awkward, but it doesn't sound like he has really done anything to cause a great divide..

Not usually when they don't know each other very well. Once you know someone for a while, you tend to do a give and take kind of thing.....I would never be like that with someone I barely know though.

CM9178

Hmmm...i would suggest letting your sister initiate the next gathering, especially if her future hubby is going to be so inulting to his hosts. if you don't want to open that can of worms with her (she may be blind to his faults against others since you said he's good with her) then maybe politely decline a get-together when you know he will be present. or, at the very least, your husband could simply give him the cold shoulder. any time he comes over to talk, all your mister needs to do is get up and walk away. enough of that and either BIL will stop trying to initiate conversation, or he can be confronted (politely) about how his abrasive behavior is not appreciated, and will therefore be avoided.

Well prior to what happened this week, my sister had already invited us over for memorial day, and I had said we'd come. After the BBQ, my husband was saying he wouldn't go to their house, but we've talked since then, and he is going to come, he is just not going to make any kind of effort to have any kind of conversation or relationship with him anymore. That's what bugged him the most - that he was truly trying to make an effort to talk to this guy and MAYBE have something in common with him, and all he got back was rudeness.